to be fecked off with DH's attitude to earning?

[WLBalance]

I'll keep this brief.

DH is a freelancer and works away from home. He earns what he considers a substantial daliy rate.

Because of this, he is loathe to miss the possiblity of a day's invoice if at all avoidable.

This lead to him coming home at during the school holidays late one friday evening. We went to on holiday very early on the saturday morning, came back late the sunday a week later and he was back on the road 5am monday morning.

When he's here he's great with the DS's and entertains them so I can have a break.

He wasn't due to work on the 29th April, but then the potential of work happened, so he decided to stay and work that day rather than join in with the extended family plans that we had at home, leaving me to deal with the boys and 12 extra people, just because he doesn't want to miss out on a day's pay.

We're going to have the same scenario in half term when he's arranged to work the saturday (we leave first thing sunday morning) and then he's back to work first thing monday morning.

So AIBU to think there's more to family life than maximising earning potential?

Maybe your DH feels the pressure to provide since he's the sole earner and worries that if he turns down work once it might not be there the next time he needs it? You can hardly blame him for thinking like that. Most self-employed people do.

My DH runs his own company and his work also encroaches into our personal life - our social life suffers and even when we go on holiday the blackberry is ever-present. It's just par for the course though and the upside is, he's his own boss. I was more annoyed for him when he was in a corporate job that he hated and had to travel at short notice to China, the US etc.

If it really bothers you, just talk to your DH to make sure he knows that you are OK with him relaxing a little and reducing his earnings in exchange for more family time. If you say that and he still insists that he needs the money, well, he is paying the bills at the end of the day so maybe he has a better idea than you do of how much money you need to live. If he's handling all the finances related to his work, how do you know how much gross income is adequate for family life? There will be overheads with his job and tax etc that you may not be aware of, as well as pressure from clients. You may not have the full picture.

It's difficult though isn't it - should we all stop working once we have earned everything we need to earn? Or should only one partner in a family work if the whole family can be supported on their wage? At what point does work stop being a way to pay the bills and start being a career? It's about different attitudes to work and family life, and there isn't really a 'right' answer.

I do think you're being naive. Who is in charge of paying the bills? DO you see any of the finances? How much are you managing to put away per month?

He could be working to secure your retirement. But you don't sound like you care about that.

Maybe he knows that the future is uncertain and it is very important to earn the money whilst it is there to be had?

The point is WLB if he isn't available to discuss an up coming contract when someone wants to call him, chances are they will call someone else. They neither know nor care that he is on holiday. Thats why he needs the laptop/blackberry with him.

I still don't understand what is unreasonable or odd about going back to work the day after you get back from holiday. Doesn't everyone do this?

You have one DC who is at school and you are at home. Why do you expect your DH to not go back to work from his holiday - so he can help pack/unpack, do the washing. Perplexed really. Are you worried he just doesn't want to spend time with you or do some of the drudgery ?

Fiddledee, please point me as to where it says I have one DC?

My DH is a contractor and I can fully understand where you are coming from WLBalance.

He barely takes a day off and I have to nag to get him to book time off during the holidays. He never attends school sports day, nativity plays etc because to take 3 hours off would cost him £150. Whereas I think seeing your children perform is priceless. He was working away during the school Easter holidays. He worked Good Friday and only took Easter Monday off as the office was closed. He worked the full long weekend just gone. If I am lucky he may take a week off in Aug before the schools go back. (Boys are off for 8 weeks)

We dont need the money. Our mortgage is all but paid off. He could easily afford not to work for a year or two before it impacted on our savings.

It saddens me that he chooses to miss out on family life. I dont see the point in earning all that money if you dont take time out to enjoy the benefits that it brings. He is missing out on time with his children, time that he (and they) will never get back.

I would love him to go in late one day (pre arranged) so he could take DS to school. Or perhaps take the day off entirely to allow us to spend some alone time whilst the children are at school. Go for an expensive lunch or spend the day in bed.

Wow - complaining that your DH is hard working... I've seen it all now

If this was dad's net would he be writing - "I can't beleive my wife is happy to stay at home and look after the kids and bring no money in to the home while I work. Then has the cheek to complain when I take freelance work that's offered to me. What would she do if I ruined my reputation and future income for the sake of a day out. We've already had a whole week off together recently!"

Ok, that was a bit harsh but come on, give the guy a break. You have said that it was decided that he would be the worker and you would be the stay at home parent in order for him to be able to work the necessary hours as you could do the child care and housework... and that is what is happening.

if there is only one income coming in to your house then yes - he probably feels that by turning down work he is losing money.

And he was on the road at 5am after a holiday? - great! I would have been up at the same time as him packing him off with a bacon sarnie. Men with drive and ambition aren't exactly 2 a penny you know.

DH is a contractor too and hates the thought of a loss of a days income.

This year I had to book holidays early because of my job so we have non negotiable breaks spaced throughout the year, DH loves being on holiday it's just the not getting the income he doesn't like.

He works long hours though so we have agreed that he picks up DS once a week and does drop off occasionally and does his best to be there for school concerts etc which they tend to arrange at the start of the day anyway.

OP there is also the possibility that he wasn't as keen on you on entertaining extended family for the day, particulalry when by not doing so he was able to earn £xxx and in his own mind brownie points.

Up to you to decide which days are non negotiable, but provided he is going on holidays with you and spending time with the children then there could be a lot worse things in life.

TVAM - erm, yes I'm the compnay secretary, I'm very aware of our finances.

I'm not naive at all, and I find it strange that you can intimate from my posts that I don't care about my family's financial future.

I think the last couple of posts have helped me understand the situation more fully:

there's obviosly a "salaried attitude" and a "contractor's attitude", based on the fact that a day's pay is prevalent in a contractor's mind, whereas a salaried person views an income over a year, and so is more relaxed about days off.

I'm self-employed and I do think there is at the back of your mind the lack of security - however long you've been doing it, there really is the fear of turning stuff down - i've had to be really strict with myself recently and limit my hours because there happens to be lots around at the moment, and I know i need to be there more for the kids and the house (my OH works full-time and does what he can, but the difference between order and chaos is up to me!).

And I'm lucky - I'm not the main wage earner, so can afford not to grasp every penny going - but it is really hard, and turning down work really goes against the grain - you have to fight the natural feeling of fear that I think all self-employed people have inside, however long they've been doing it.

So go easy on your OH, OP.

Bringmesunshine-Why are you married to such a sponger?

WLBalance I think every freelancer / self-employed person thinks that every invoice they send out will be their last, no matter how long they've been doing it. Irrational yes but understandable I think

I've been self-employed for 12 years now and still think someone will tap me on the shoulder and tell me to catch onto myself and that nobody would pay for what I do

WLBalance, I shall try and explain things from your dh's perspective.

Up until 5 years ago I was an employee and then became self-employed. I think both breadandbutterfly and CurrySpice have hit the nail on the head. At the back of my mind I do feel a lack of security, a fear of turning stuff down, a fear of missing out on an opportunity which could be the big one. As a salaried person, I could happily go on holiday and not worry about these things, now yes, I will go on holiday but it takes a massive effort to completely switch off. As another example, if I was a salaried person, I would have taken a year off on maternity leave, as a self employed person, there is no way that I could do it, because the opportunities would go elsewhere and it would feel like I would have to start all over again. That's probably over dramatic but that's how I feel.

I definitely don't look at my income and think of it as apportioned over 48 weeks. The reason is that my income isn't guaranteed so I don't count the chickens until the invoice has gone out ^and6 the client has paid. As a salaried person, I simply didn't think about it in that way because the income was guaranteed. I am lucky in that my dh really does understand the pressures I am under - he is salaried but his income also fluctuates because of bonuses so his base salary last year was only about 35% of his total remuneration package, but at least he has that safety net.

So in summary, what you said in your last post is very right, the mindset and attitude of a self-employed person (especially a successful one!) is very very different to that of a salaried person. I think you just need to accept that (while agreeing a set of ground rules for family commitments) and be supportive of your dh.

It's no way to live though is it? ok, ok it would be no way for me to live because life is for living and 'nobody ever said on their deathbed "I wish I spent more time in the office"'

Your marriage sounds a bit crowded - you, him, HJ (his job). He's like a hamster on a wheel - urgh, soo stressful! but it may float his boat, he may enjoy the chase of it, it may get him out of domestic stuff with a legit excuse. But imo it's no way to live! Particularly for 12 years - maybe for a period of time but not 12 years, still obsessing about 'lost money' every single day - literally

I think a lot of people aren't getting the point of what is distressing you OP.

No - I'm with novice.

Really, no matter what the daily rate, you must earn that crust.

DH earns a huge amount a day, we still rely on that, we have our monthly target to meet.

• tax, + reserves.

Really, he earns 800 a day, we probably take two weeks a year, including BHs

I am a freelancer and the first rule is NEVER turn down a contract. I can't imagine what it must be like to freelance as the main / only earner in the family with kids to provide for. It could all go down the pan tomorrow with no safety net.

Do you work OP??

Lolly

DH very rarely turns down a contract.

He is the only earner.

We often don't see him for weeks.

I get your frustration I am also married to a workaholic.

But you know what? I spend the money, when I am feeling cranky at another meeting or another call when we are on holiday I remember that, I spend the money.

You can't have one without the other IME.

If you really want a leg to stand on here you are going to have to work yourself and bring in some money so when he says 'I could be making £400' you can respond with 'No need, I did'.

As a freelancer he may not be getting paid at all if it goes tits up, that £400 would be very useful then.

So IMO YABU, I understand why, but you are still being unreasonable.

Morloth

I agree.

We have a five year plan.

He does this.

We save at least 2k a week.

I look after the DCs.

He has to go when he does.

Don't bitch about the absence.

Have a get out.