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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at how many mners seem to condone smacking

780 replies

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 13:47

I am not talking about people who have smacked in anger and post saying "oh no, I lost it and smacked my DC" - everyone makes mistakes and no-one is perfect! I am talking about those who use smacking as a considered, pre meditated form of punishment/discipline. I know this was discussed a lot on another thread a few days ago, and I was pretty much told "each to their own" - but I am genuinely surprised that it seems to be a popular method here?

OP posts:
springbokdoc · 03/05/2011 19:07

I appreciate that . This is why I think each to their own (I know I know). Because I think we each have things that just set off a button in us. I absolutely hate to see children properly yelled at - I think that that verbal tirade that can happen when people are at the end of their tether is just as frightening to a child. Plus there is such a spectrum from a slap on the legs/bum that truthfully doesn't hurt but shocks the kid to full on hitting which does cause pain coupled with the calmly explaining why kids shouldn't do something to screaminig in their faces. Each approach has their extremes. I can't pretend to know how I'll behave in every situation so don't feel I can label parents as bad if they don't do it the way I do.

glitterballmama · 03/05/2011 19:08

cricketballs, my kids are by no means perfect. They are often cheeky and at times drive me to distraction! But I have never needed to hit them.

sickoftheholidays · 03/05/2011 19:08

I had tried asking nicely, asking sternly, I had threatened to remove wii priveledges, nothing had worked. The behaviour had been going on for about 5 minutes by this point. They were just too excited to listen. The smack was a last resort to get DS's attention and stop his behaviour before someone got hurt. We were on our way to a bbq and had called in to get some stuff to bring, they were understandably very excited and boisterous.
Jamie, I find it quite offensive that you think I would smack my child in order to prove to the rest of the world that I'm not a pushover, I dont give a fig what the rest of the world thinks of me, only that my children dont endanger someone old and frail by their high spirits.

cannydoit · 03/05/2011 19:10

i smacked all 3 of my children when they were small on legs or hands a short, sharp, shock,never in anger. i find that now they are older i dont as i can explain to a 10 year old why what they have done is wrong but you cant really explain to a 1 year old the ins and out of the wrongs of throwing a paddy for no reason.
i do find it insulting to have people ranting about child abuse etc, but i also feel a sense of achievement when i can take my children anywhere, they are always invited back and always commented on for their good behaviour. that can not always be said of many children now a days. children need boundaries, they feel safe and secure when the have them, even very young children. the earlier you start to discipline your children the easier it is when the are older to explain.
my children know that they are loved and part of that is teaching them how to behave.

cricketballs · 03/05/2011 19:10

glitterballmama not all situations allow for the 'get down to their eye level and discuss......'

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 19:11

Not smacking doesn't mean not disciplining. People did use to smack but a progressive society and education has made it socially unacceptable and seen as wrong. If you do smack it means you are venting your frustration on another person Would you do that to an adult? Agree with whoever said that the kids misbehaving in the supermarket obviously didn't learn to behave from previous smacks and i assume you warned them they would be smacked yet they continued. Kids do mess around in shops they are kids and it is boring they grow out of it you don't need to hit them

K999 · 03/05/2011 19:12

I don't force my child to get dressed. She does it herself. And I have never carried her against her will to bed. She can walk fine all by herself!!

exoticfruits · 03/05/2011 19:13

I think that it is failure as a parent. It is understandable sometimes, if tired and stressed, but something to apologise for and not justify.

Mamaz0n · 03/05/2011 19:14

sickoftheholidays the scene you describe sounds very much as though you were frustrated that your "very well behaved" children were running around in an unruely fashion and you could not control them. So rather that members of the public noticing that your children were less well behaved than their unsmacked counterparts you assaulted a 6 year old.

yay you and your "damn good" parenting.

So if i am at work and a colleague fails repeatedly to do as they are told can i his them? you know, justto remind them of the rules?

I think i need to go fire off an apology letter to my ex. Obviously i was bang out of order leaving him, He was after all just being a "damn good" partner and helping remind me of the rules.

silly me.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 19:14

sick - no offense intended - as a parent myself I know, and have seen that some people do "ostentatious parenting" - be that loud explanations, or maybe smacking, just to make sure that others know we know what we are doing. It occurred to me this might be the case here, especially since your DS nearly hurt someone and you would have wanted to convey to her that you recognised that.

Me, I'd have probably tried distracting and engaging them. Failing that I'd have threatened not going to the barbeque, then followed through

Mamaz0n · 03/05/2011 19:15

"The behaviour had been going on for about 5 minutes by this point."

wow you got a whole lot of disciplining done in 5 minutes.

Gemsy83 · 03/05/2011 19:19

Mama stop being so flaming patronising. You may not agree with how someone parents but that last comment is downright rude.

Animation · 03/05/2011 19:20

"Every smack is a humiliation" - writes psychologiist Alice Miller - author of 12 books.

In in the short term smacking might produce obedience but in the long term it's a fact that smacking can cause rage, violence, bullying, difficulty learning and an inability to feel another's pain - unless enlightened.

Gemsy83 · 03/05/2011 19:20

And give over with the over emotive 'assaulted a child' bullshit purlease

AnnieBesant · 03/05/2011 19:20

I think if you took a group of non-abused women, then it would be quite common for them to be smacked too, because smacking was (is?) quite common. I think you have to be careful about over-extrapolating.

I don't feel the same passionate contempt of smacking that lots of posters do. I don't like it, and I don't do it, because I think other things are more effective (and as a teacher it would be a pretty bad habit to get into) and because, well, I don't like to hit. But I do think there is a difference between a beating and a smack (which I know a lot of MNetters disagree with). I do agree with the posters who say MN has changed with respect to this issue. Interesting. Where's Greensleeves? She'd get it sorted!

exoticfruits · 03/05/2011 19:22

I find I am on 2 threads, one arguing against UP and one arguing against smacking-quite an achievement! Grin

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 19:22

What is the point of assaulting someone for something so trivial.As I have said before if it worked why do you ever have to do it again?

K999 · 03/05/2011 19:22

Gemsy, but smacking/hitting/slapping is assault! What would you call it?

Mamaz0n · 03/05/2011 19:23

nope.

you smack an adult it is called assault, doing the same to a child is exactly the same.

If your IQ is failing you enough that you cannot work that out then i feel it is my duty to help remind you

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 19:24

If it was seen as harmless and effective teachers social workers carers foster parents etc would all be sanctioned to use it as discipline. They are not!

Gemsy83 · 03/05/2011 19:26

Its called using discipline. I have no need/right to discipline a lay person on the street so yes slapping them would be assault.

sickoftheholidays · 03/05/2011 19:26

mamazon, I'm afraid I find your tone and content of your posts unpleasant, and you cannot seem to see any other way than yours (I can see that others who dont smack are entirely entitled to their own views and way of parenting) My kids are normally very well behaved, a fact which is frequently commented upon, that they are polite, sensitive, kind, empathetic, share happily, look after younger kids, and 9/10 times will listen to my quiet and polite requests to moderate their behaviour, and will do so. On this occasion unfortunately, they were over excited and not inclined to listen, and I changed my parenting style accordingly and got tough. Yes it was unpleasant and I would rather not have had to do it, but rather that than someone else be injured. The old lady didnt even see what happened, but the trolley was only inches from her ankles and would probably have knocked her off her feet if I hadnt caught it in time.

Gemsy83 · 03/05/2011 19:26

As would taking them into my house and making them sit on the naughty step for a minute for every year of their life be kidnap

K999 · 03/05/2011 19:29

I can't remember there being a rule that says just because you are a parent you have a "right" to assault your child.....?? And there are many ways to discipline a child, without resorting to violence.

Al0uiseG · 03/05/2011 19:30

Sickoftheholidays I expect you should probably smack Mamaz0n because that's how you roll.