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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or are UP parents really nuts?

684 replies

FunnysInTheGarden · 30/04/2011 22:33

I mean talk about making all your lives difficult....

Am ready BTW for the UP parents cries of dissent [cgrin]

OP posts:
holyShmoley · 04/05/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bejeezus · 04/05/2011 11:29

it seems the main defence of examples of Uping which highlight thta UPing is not realistic, is 'oh THATS not UPing, THOSE parents dont understand it properly, I wouldnt do that'

bejeezus · 04/05/2011 11:44

sorry-got distracted..to continue;

maybe its the parents saying this that have misunderstood (as there are A LOT of examples) and they are not UPing at all?!

holyShmoley · 04/05/2011 11:45

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Cat98 · 04/05/2011 12:00

Hmm, I think of myself as vaguely UP, but all the examples exoticfruits gave (with the exception of bfing in the night - a 14 month old is still very young you know!) I would not agree with.

Teeth cleaning is one of our non-nogotiables. I will however try my best to make it fun. It is very rarely that I have to use methods I don't find confortable - I do sometimes though, because I think the natural consequence of not cleaning teeth is far too damaging and would be crueller in the long run!

I don't really get what's wrong with a DC going to a CM in his/her pyjamas by the way (weather depending of course).

pickyourbrain · 04/05/2011 12:03

Hmm... I have read that but I didnt buy in to it. I always tell my dd that it's not her that i dislike, it's her bad behaviour. I also don't hold grudges when there has been bad behaviour.

In real life if your behaviour is bad then people won't accept it... to teach kids anything to the contrary is misleading - imho.

bubbleymummy · 04/05/2011 12:06

holySchmoley - I think no rewards.no punishments does have its place and certainly could be the preferred first choice for most people. If appropriate, it makes sense to discuss things with your child and try to discover where their behaviour is coming from/explain why you are doing something a particular way. However, I think there comes a point when you need to see whether or not this method of parenting is actually benefitting your family/child or whether your child just is not responding to it and is turning into a destructive manipulative brat who no one wants to be around at the risk of their own children/property! :)

bejeezus · 04/05/2011 12:11

but Why TF do I have to justify it, to you.

you don't

adamschic · 04/05/2011 12:15

I raised my mine this way, not by reading a book, but by instinct and she had a very happy childhood and has turned out very fine. Thank you. In fact the teen years have been a breeze, not so for the conventional parents.

bejeezus · 04/05/2011 12:20

2 other things have sprung to mind;

it is quite commonly thought that mothers tend naturally more towards what might be considered UPing- explanations and verging on emotional blackmail e.g.'don't do that because it makes so-and-so sad'; where as dads naturally tend more towards 'dont do that-why?-because I said so'. It is also commonly held that a child is better off with the input of both mum and dad, in part because of this. Does AK speak about this? Is there an 'UP' take on this?

I am a strong believer in 'it takes a village to raise a child'. As I understand it, UPing conflicts with this?

Cat98 · 04/05/2011 12:27

Not at all bejeezus. There is a discussion in the book about the myth that consistency between 2 parents is vital - AK says that it isn't and that it is fine for the child to understand that there are differing opinions on everything.

Maryz · 04/05/2011 12:39

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adamschic · 04/05/2011 12:46

Oh she wasn't one of those easy children at all. Quite the opposite as a young child, that's how the UP style evolved, didn't understand the time out/taking toys and star charts thing at all and reacted differently to other children I knew to that style of parenting.

I used to want one of those compliant children Grin.

Cat98 · 04/05/2011 12:46

I like 'up light', I think that's probably what I am! Thanks ;)

exoticfruits · 04/05/2011 13:17

with the exception of bfing in the night - a 14 month old is still very young you know!) I would not agree with

It was the 'every 2 hours' that means that the mother hasn't had more than 2 hours sleep at a stretch for over a year! I would be tearful and a terrible mother on that regime. Mine didn't actually sleep through the night until they were 2yrs old, but they only woke once or twice and they got a quick stroke and a drink of water-it did the trick fine.
You don't have to justify it to me holyShmoley, but people can and will make judgements. It only bothers you if you are insecure. People can poke fun and criticise my parenting-it doesn't bother me. It can be a good thing-parents should question themselves all the time and not just sit back happy they have got it 'right'.
The thing that strikes me about the UP support thread is that it all so deadly earnest and everyone takes themselves so, so seriously. Put together it would make a wonderful book and give anyone a laugh when they were feeling down and having a bad day!

exoticfruits · 04/05/2011 13:26

In fact the teen years have been a breeze, not so for the conventional parents.
I have come to the view, knowing lots of teens since babies, and lots of parenting styles, that this is pure luck.

Othersideofthechannel · 04/05/2011 13:33

I don't get the post office example. How can you know how someone parents from such an example? Seems to me like the man was just hesitating about what to do.

Laquitar · 04/05/2011 13:34

What is this 'conventional parenting' you are all talking about?

bejeezus · 04/05/2011 13:38

cat98--so AK only suggests UPing for mums?

RamblingRosa · 04/05/2011 13:46

I'd never heard of this before but I think this is kind of what we do by accident. We don't really do rewards or punishments (apart from a few attempts at time out which haven't really worked).

We say "you won't get any pudding if you don't eat your food" but that's about the extent of our rewards/punishment. Does that make us UP Confused?

bruffin · 04/05/2011 15:30

"In fact the teen years have been a breeze, not so for the conventional parents."

I am a conventional parent,whatever that may be - we muddle through and my teens are lovely and easy to get on with.

Cat98 · 04/05/2011 15:42

No of. Course not bejeezus! Just that if 2 parents do things slightly differently, no problem.. Agreeing with your 'takes a village' statement

bejeezus · 04/05/2011 16:04

cat98-oh ok, i misunderstood, thanks

bejeezus · 04/05/2011 16:09

if the parents posting on the UP Support Thread are indeed raving madnot implementing UPing as it should be implemented. Why havent any of the UPers suggested thta- eg. why hasnt anyone suggested thta road-safety and putting your shoes on to walk in snow and broken glass, should be a non-negotiable? As far as I have read, no-one has said to anyone thta they might be taking things too far/ they have misimterpreted it/ 'thats not UPing, thats not parenting at all'

Cat98 · 04/05/2011 16:15

exotic fruits - my ds fed 2 hrly until he was eighteen mths - with co sleeping it wasn't that hard, though obv I was tired, but easier than battling to settle him another way! Each to their own though!

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