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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or are UP parents really nuts?

684 replies

FunnysInTheGarden · 30/04/2011 22:33

I mean talk about making all your lives difficult....

Am ready BTW for the UP parents cries of dissent [cgrin]

OP posts:
HRHShoesytwoesy · 30/04/2011 23:05

so what do you do if small child does a bad deed, talk to the?? or what

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2011 23:05

lol squeaky

what part of UP says there may be no rules or discipline? or are you basing that on what you have read on this thread where someone with little/no knowledge of it has given her "gist"?

baskingseals · 30/04/2011 23:07

what's your definition of a bad deed HRH?

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2011 23:07

HRH, that depends what the deed is.

if my child wrote on a wall for example, i would tell them WHY it is wrong to write on the wall, and I would expect them to help clear it up.
I would give them the benefit of the doubt ad not assume they were doing it because they are inherently "naughty".

I expect my children to behave because they should, not because they are scared of a punishment,
my children don't lie to me about what they've done to avoid punishments and in fact they are really very well behaved because they've been shown HOW to be well behaved rather than being removed/punished for making mistakes

BertieBotts · 30/04/2011 23:08

It's not easy to explain like that though. It's not as simple as a "method" like naughty step or smacking or removing toys or reward charts because you deal with each situation differently. The idea is you go to the root cause rather than dealing with the behaviour issue, because the behaviour is always a symptom of something, whether that's an emotion they can't quite articulate yet or not knowing the appropriate way to deal with a situation or sometimes it's just a natural behaviour for that age which they'll grow out of. Look on the long thread on Parenting if you want examples.

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2011 23:11

well said Bertie

maybe the OP means it makes our lives difficult because it isn't a "quick fix"...?

BertieBotts · 30/04/2011 23:11

Yes that is a good example of one of the main principles I try to stick to TIY, show/tell them how you want them to behave rather than punishing when they behave how you don't want them to. And be prepared to remind them of the preferred/expected behaviour a lot, especially while they are little.

ChoChoSan · 30/04/2011 23:12

My daughter is very young and I don't expect I will adopt any one particular philosophy in raising her, although I am not antiUP, I do find it quite offensive to suggest that my love for my daughter would be diminished if I adopted rewards and punishments to achieve particular behaviours that she is too young to rationalise the reasons for. Hmm

I would try my very best to ensure that she would always know she is secure in my love for her, and can trust me to take care of her, even when faced with conflict.

jugglingjo · 30/04/2011 23:14

This is a very interesting thread for me, as I think this reflects my basic parenting philosophy, but I hadn't heard of the term "Unconditional Parenting".
I feel like I did when I came across "Three in a bed" and felt, "Here's someone who's doing things the way I do, and has reasons for it, and can encourage me "
Also, "I'm not the only one", always feels good !

GiddyPickle · 30/04/2011 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 30/04/2011 23:15

Quick fixes? Grin I tried bribing DS to lie still and have his nappy changed the other day by saying he could have a sweet if he lay still. He didn't lay still. So I said no sweet then, and he cried and moaned and whinged about it for ages. I would have been better off sticking to my original plan which is trying to work out why he finds it so difficult to lie still! (Wondering if it's cold wipes + sensitive body parts = squirming, and then anticipation = squirmingx100)

heliumballoons · 30/04/2011 23:15

I found a thread earlier today about UP. I had never heard of it but turns out I am almost one. (and yes I'm nuts too according to DS Grin

I have asked advice on how to develop UP more into my raising of DS.

I often say to DS 'remember what we discussed' and he knows that means his behaviour and expectations and he modifies it. Makes it much calmer and happier.

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 23:15

For gods sakes.. I got told off by my parents. It didnt make me ever feel insecure that they didnt love me. Hmm. It made me aware that bad behaviour has consequences that I didnt particularly like. It is called learning.

How do these "unconditionally parented" children cope when they go out into the real world and find not everyone is going to sit them down and have an in depth chat about the "root cause" of why they have been naughty. Must be a right shock to their delicate little systems...

HRHShoesytwoesy · 30/04/2011 23:15

surely though using the writing on the wall as an example, you would still tell the child off, even if you then explained why they were wrong to do it?
or do you just do a lot of talk and not actually tell them they were in the wrong?

heliumballoons · 30/04/2011 23:19

I do have 'consequences' to bad behaviour but they are just that. DS understands at 6yo the consequences to what he does.

For those who mentioned jobs - no boss will put an employee on the naughty step, so do you really think naughty step as a punishment for swearing say teaches a child what will happen if they swear?

baskingseals · 30/04/2011 23:19

no i wouldn't tell him off.
depending on age i would ask him to help me clean it off.
i would tell him i didn't like drawing on walls, and remind him that we draw on paper.

i wouldn't see it as wrong to draw on walls.
i wouldn't talk much at all.

HRHShoesytwoesy · 30/04/2011 23:21

so they break the rules and you don't tell them off, wtf happens when they go to school?

Cat98 · 30/04/2011 23:21

I generally follow up and there is no way i'd allow my child to hit babies while I stood there and 'shook my head sadly' lol, so I think you've got the wrong idea about up there!

heliumballoons · 30/04/2011 23:21

Oh and can I add, the UP is something I seem to have adopted as DS has got older - not something I did intentionally.

BertieBotts · 30/04/2011 23:22

I'm not going to stay on this thread and correct misconceptions all night BTW. But if people are genuinely interested I'm happy to answer them, just not when I need to watch Doctor Who and sleep! :)

ChoCho - it's not saying your love is diminished. It says that children can interpret punishments as meaning parents don't love them. Not all will, of course.

Giddy - because of course it doesn't exist in a bubble. You can explain to your children that different systems exist elsewhere. House Point systems in schools etc are behaviourist, fair enough, but children are able to adapt to different rule systems anyway.

I don't think DS has ever whacked a baby on purpose but if he did I'd remove him and apologise to the parent - just because you don't use punishment, doesn't mean you avoid doing anything ever that might even slightly look like one/upset your child.

baskingseals · 30/04/2011 23:22

the amazing thing is that children who have a genuinely up based upbringing, which actually does have boundaries, are usually well-adjusted, and willing to listen to grow-ups as they tend to trust what grown-ups say.

teachers love 'em

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2011 23:23

where did anyone say their children don't get told off? Confused

GiddyPickle · 30/04/2011 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 23:25

no boss will put an employee on the naughty step, so do you really think naughty step as a punishment for swearing say teaches a child what will happen if they swear?

The last I heard, children were not employees in a workplace. That is an adult environment.

Children are NOT mini adults. They can not think like adults, nor can they rationalise or debate like adults.

baskingseals · 30/04/2011 23:25

tiy i did when i said i wouldn't tell a child off for drawing on a wall

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