or are UP parents really nuts?

[FunnysInTheGarden]

I mean talk about making all your lives difficult....

Am ready BTW for the UP parents cries of dissent [cgrin]

TFMDV the voice of reason.

Thats exactly what I have been saying. I actually parented like 'supernanny' because I thought I should. It didn't work so I adopted a style that did.

Yesterday Idiscovered its called UP. I'm not one (hate labels) but agree wholeheartedly with the principles.

Same with BLW - I did that I found out last year it had name - 6 yrs after I weaned DS.

That's why I think it is useful to have books like Unconditional Parenting (and I agree with Maryz that it's not truly 'unconditional'). When parents are being told that the reason for their problems with their children is because they should be using the naughty step, smacking, shouting etc. then it's nice to have an alternative approach that takes the child's views into account, validated. It might be what you felt was the right way to deal with your child but felt as though you were swimming against the tide of popular opinion (even if only in the area you live). So it gets given a label - who cares. It's nice to see that other people agree there is an alternative to the 'you are a child and you will do what I say and I don't need to explain myself to you' approach.

I'm inclined to agree with you OP but - to each there own.

I agree it is good to have a book-especially if your parents were very authoritarian and you want something different. It should just be read in a critical way-not as a 'cure all'. Take the bits that suit you and realise that people can be very successful, loving parents without doing any of it. Also take on board that you can't control the world-your DC will come across different approaches and it won't hurt them!

FFS you lot - I told you, I will get kicked off or at least duffed up behind the bike sheds at this rate!

I like the sound of the flowers though LeQueen I know you are a woman of erm... expensive tastes

cheerful you know I dont think Carrot even needs UP. He is so well behaved I have yet to chastise him

I think LeQueen said it very well on page 2: UP is..."....is all well and good until your child starts school...and neither the teacher, nor other parents, or other children will have any inclination to spend forever debating and cajoling your bleddy child.

Really loving your child, and really caring about them is bothering to raise them in a way that teaches them how to be personable and socially acceptable to others".

I completely agree with this

I would not put a naughty step technique in the same grouping as smacking and shouting - they don't have anything to do with each other. You do the naughtly step or a time out and then you talk about it together when your LO has calmed down and is in a space to hear what you saying - otherwise you haven't completely the technique properly.

I practice UP and having a school age child is no problem at all - I would say that a UP child is better equiped to cope with school than most children.

Bringing up your child with UP doesn't require the school to act the same way as the parent - fundamental misunderstanding MollyMurphy

HAve also had no behaviour or socialisation issues with my child at school - frankly the complete opposite - as I keep saying, folk who love to criticise UP almost unfailingly have failed to understand it completely and only piscked up faint notions of it from mumsnet threads etc

Epic Fail to you all

FA rides off into the sunset leaving us in her dust.
Smug and incomprehensible? Perish the thought.

I do not citicise or pretend to understand the parenting of other people

how can I? I can't even type

Can't talk now, I'm filling out my membership form for TFMDV fan club.
Old Fogies who predate UP and the naughty step get half price.

i think the key to parenting is confidence.

some people have it in bucketfuls, some do not. for those who do not, and are perhaps swimmining slightly against the tide, a book can provide reassurance.

for those who are confident, hurrah and fantastic, however you parent.

FattyAcid - this is all new to me, I'm interested. How do you put UP into practise with your children - any examples would be appreciated.

Fasted there is a really long thread in Parenting which has been mentioned multiple times now, if you are looking for examples :)

Totally agree with your last post, Baskingseals.

Thanks bertie - I'll have a look but actual examples rather than talking about the concept would be helpful and easier to understand. Will check out the parenting board.

They are actual examples - it's a support thread. People come on with dilemmas and we all pool ideas :)

YABU, but you're not unusual in what you think. I can recall many times when my friends thought I was nuts, but, a few years later, I notice them adopting my strategies all the time now.

I think it does sound quite alternative when you give it a cursory glance, but once you look into it more it makes a lot of sense.

People seem to think it's about being so liberal that you just let your children go wild. It's really about communication, respect, teaching and demonstrating the right way.

In many cases the UP way takes longer to achieve results than threats of the naughty step, but our (UPers) widely held belief is that it will pay off with a 15 yo who's not going to respond to the naughty step but might respond to the unconditional love, reason and understanding they have always known.

And, more tongue in cheek, we also believe time spent on UP parenting now will save time in prison visits to our kids later...

I think my approach with my DC-now older teens might have been a bit UP. I dont understand a parent who will punish a small child for say-biting by smacking the childs themselves.
Not sure why these things need a label though-but I suppose it sells more books
I personally dont like rewarding with food /sweets etc.I think a consistent approach , a few rules and routine work with little ones.

Mine always sat at the table to eat,brushed their teeth etc because that is what we did from an early age .They mostly messed about if tired or ill and so removing from the situation-going home or early to bed seemed pretty reasonable for tired ,overwrought little ones-not a punishment just sensible!

In fact I dont know any parent who "punishes" their DC by shouting,smacking or withholding affection.

Find the bit quoted about consequences a bit though -surely recognising the consequence of your actions is how you learn ?

Lequeen - not sure you really understand up from your posts on this thread. Have you read the book? Worth a look, then please come and argue against it :)