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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to hear examples of sons who are still close to their parents after marriage

106 replies

elisio1 · 28/04/2011 14:31

I have 2 DSs- I love them dearly. I don't feel at all daunted re:having 2 boys; I love stereotypical boy activities but ,equally, will throw myself into non male-stereotypical activities if they turn out to enjoy them more! I have always enjoyed mixed company, rather than all girl gangs.

But the thing I hear time and time again at toddlers groups, from friends, strangers, anyone who wants to stick their nose in, is that sons will leave me when they get married and turn to their wives' families. I know it's just talk, I know it doesn't always hold true, but it is the one aspect of having boys that I really worry about.

In fact, I really think this is the main thing that mums of boys worry about, and where all this current negativity/anxiety about having boys ( and , yes it really does exist. Sadly) stems from.

I think it would do all mums of boys some good if they could hear some examples where this doesn't happen..

I know of a few such examples so I'll start the ball rolling- my dh's best friend, who has 2 kids, moved to live next door to HIS parents. His wife adores the in-laws and always complains that her own parents aren't interested in the kids- in fact, they are much more interested in their SON's children! rather than their daughter's. So that example completely counters the stereotype.

So there's one example, but I'd love to hear more stories about sons staying close to their parents after marriage - and nice mil relationships.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/04/2011 14:34

Well, if you maintain a loving healthy relationship with your DS's there is no reason why you wont stay close.

My DH sees his mum a fair bit (his bro doesnt though as he is a lazy arse) and my bro was a fabby son to my late mum, even after he got married.

I just have the 1 DS so I really hope we stay close after he bugggers off and leaves megets married - i think we just need to find the line between being a good MIL and being an interfering old bat, lol x

grovel · 28/04/2011 14:38

I share the same fear and DS is an only son. Hope he marries a girl who hates her parents.

LaWeasel · 28/04/2011 14:39

DH loves his mum and I do too!

I think mum's of girl's need to be encouraging them to embrace their new in-laws as much as we welcome their partners.

Mind you I only have a DD, and she's only 2!

LaWeasel · 28/04/2011 14:40

(it probably helps that I'm not always that keen on my parents - I got cards and presents from my inlaws for my birthday yesterday and nothing from my family... [sigh])

ilythia · 28/04/2011 14:41

DH and I have been together since school and I was so close to his mother that I read the tribute at her funeral last year. I call his father dad and am closer to him than I am to my own, and his mum was my mummy2.

I love my mum, but I loved my DH's mum as well, she only had boys so we used to do stupid girlie things together with the DD's that she never got to do with her own.

His brother however, well, that's another story. He doted on his mum but once he got together with his fiance it was a different story. So I think it isn't anything you do, or don't do, but dependant on teh child and the woman they choose.

welliesandpyjamas · 28/04/2011 14:42

Dh is very close to his mum and we all love spending time with her as much as possible.

My dad was always very close to his mum and would visit several times a week when she was alive.

DH is also close to his dad and in fact we lived in his house for a while before kids (although now that he has struck up with quite a rude lady things are not as friendly).

JamieAgain · 28/04/2011 14:45

I share the same fear, OP. I have 2 boys as well.

I almost think to myself - well I'll assume the DIL will hate me and then anything else will be a bonus

Keep up the positive stories everyone!

Onetoomanycornettos · 28/04/2011 14:46

I'm not quite sure if you want to hear this, but I think there's some truth in this. At least in our family, although my mum's brothers keep in touch with my gran with the odd phonecall and visit, it's very sporadic and it's increasingly clear that it will be her stepping up to the plate if any real caring needs doing. My husband is not close to his parents either.

However, I do know another side of the family where the men are very family oriented (wider family, not just their own nuclear family). And it's clear from coming on here that many many daughters don't get on with their mothers (though in my own family, all the day to day looking after/birthdays/celebrations stuff is done by the generations of women and not the men)

Onetoomanycornettos · 28/04/2011 14:47

I have also lost quite a few male friends (or at least don't see them nearly as much as female friends) when they married, perhaps it's similar.

GloriaSmut · 28/04/2011 14:47

Neither of my sons (aged 29 and 28) use MN so they can't answer in person. But I can assure you that we are still close and that I don't actually stalk them in order to keep up that closeness. I love my DIL too and think that the feeling is mutual!!

Icoulddoitbetter · 28/04/2011 14:49

DH is very close to his mum and his whole (huge) family, whereas I'm not that close to my tiny family. One of DH's favourite retorts now when I say that I don't want to spend x day with his mum is "you won't like it is DS does that to you once he's left home", it's very annoying!!!!

I like his family, but I find it a bit claustraphobic sometimes as I'm just not used to the expectations that come with that kind of set up. Also his mum is quite a matriarch and sometimes I feel as though we are battling each other. Most of the time we get on well though

WillSingForCake · 28/04/2011 14:50

My DH is massively close to his mum, so try not to worry. I also know lots of marrried men who are still close to their parents, and me and most of my friends get on just fine with our MILs.
I hate the fact that people say things like this to parents, its like they have to think of a way to piss on your happiness. Why do people feel the need to comment on what children will be like when they're married, when that's bloody years away anyway! I'm pregnant with a girl, and people have already commented 'oooh, just wait til she's a teenager, she'll be trouble then!' and she's not even born yet!

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 28/04/2011 14:50

i think its about upbringing and the type of people and personalities, not just boys v girls iyswim.

Dps family never call, text or send a card let alone a gift on his birthday. They are sporadic about bothering with the dcs birthdays and christmas and actually everything to do with us. we have always made a huge effort which is pretty much ignored. Dp is very much a part of my family and we spend alot of time with them, however one of my close friends its the other way round. Its not because dp is the son its because his parents are uncaring and unwelcoming like my friends parents, she loves her ils.

FluffyDonkey · 28/04/2011 14:50

DH loves his mum. Talks to her everyday (just 5-10 mins, but she loves it) and visits her very regularly. I don't know her very well (I don't often go to see her as there's nowhere for me to sleep) but I definately appreciate how she treats me/us :

With our wedding she insisted it was our day and wouldn't impose any opinions on us.

Told DH that he should reduce the number of weekends he spent with her in order to spend more with me (something I really appreciated as I didn't want to initiate the subject myself!)

Comes to visit us near my birthday to take us out for a treat.

She is sooo thrilled that I'm pregnant - wants to knit us things (has given us a catalogue to choose from!), rings me after every appointment to find out how it went (ok that bit I could do without, but it's sweet she's so excited) HOWEVER, despite being a former midwife, she won't interfere or tell me what I should and shouldn't eat/do etc. Once we even rang for advice but she said she'd prefer that we asked my midwife rather than risking giving me wrong information.

PrincessBananaGrabber · 28/04/2011 14:51

I think mumsnet is very extereme when it comes to MILS. I have just been reading the thread about the MIL not being invited at Easter, I agree that she is being a bit of a pain but some posters are calling the Mil an awful, vile woman, way way over the top.

I have two DS's, they are my boys, I love them more than anything and the thought of getting a DIL who has no time for me is horrible. Don't get me wrong, I hope DH and I have a full life when the DC's are older but I still want them in my life.

NinkyNonker · 28/04/2011 14:51

DH is very close to his mum and brothers. We live a couple of hours away but she is very much included.

JamieAgain · 28/04/2011 14:51

Onetoomany - re: your first paragraph, I wonder if there are only boys then they stay closer/help out. If there's a daughter as well, she'll be the one who does more

Bonsoir · 28/04/2011 14:52

LaWeasel - "I think mum's of girl's need to be encouraging them to embrace their new in-laws as much as we welcome their partners."

It isn't as easy as that, though.

jellybeans · 28/04/2011 14:52

DH was an only child (well, he had half brother but wasn't allowed to see him or his bio dad). His mum claimed they were 'close' but she was so overprotective he wasn't allowed to sleep out age 21. She was 'scared on her own.' She was married and had a guard dog!! This is the difficulty with some mothers of sons when they get over possesive and she was MIL from hell. If you avoid that then you have every chance of being a good MIL and being close.

Good examples i can think of; friends hubby sees parents every week and his parents are closer to kids than the friend's parents. The key observation I made was that the MIL made an effort to get on with the daughter, invited her shopping etc. It was clear that she wanted them all NOT just the son and grandkids which was exactly what my MIL made clear she wanted them WITHOUT me (I hadn't done anything!!). My MIL used to say,' can't you come without her..' and left out my birthday or christmas gifts. I think if you make an effort to include them all without butting it you will do well unless you are unlucky and get a DIL from hell!!!

I know several families who are the same and the MIL is nice to the DIL and not overpowering or taking over.

I have 2 DDs and 3 DSs and hope to be a good MIL one day. I am not that worried as will live my own life and try to be as nice as I can!!!

LaWeasel · 28/04/2011 14:53

I do think it took me time for DHs mum and me to get used to each other, so it is definately worth perservering and not judging too much on first impressions.

She is honestly lovely though and I say so often on here, 'cos MILs do get a bad rep - but I like to think it's only because people complain more about people they don't like than compliment people they do.

LaWeasel · 28/04/2011 14:54

Bonsoir - I'm sure it's not. Like I say, DD is 2, I am nowhere near any of this. But I do think some parents don't care very much if there parents have a good relationship with their in-laws as long as they keep seeing their own DC and grandkids. Which is a bit selfish really.

jellybeans · 28/04/2011 14:55

FluffyDonkey Your MIL sounds lovely, wish we could swap

blackteaplease · 28/04/2011 14:55

My dh is one of three boys and they are all close to their mum. I really like spending time with my IL's, in fact I went wedding dress shopping with MIL. Both of my BIL's girlfriends really get on with my PIL too. MIL is a lovely lady, PIL is a bit annoying but a nice man. We've been on holiday with them a couple of times and see them on average every six weeks, but chat on the phone more often than that.

However, like LaWeasel, I don't get on with my own family that well so that may have an influencing factor.

GloriaSmut · 28/04/2011 14:55

We're a family that have always been close but never lived in each other's pockets. I don't expect daily phone calls or to see my dgd every five minutes (lovely as that might be) but then I know how much we all love each other. I don't need to keep some sort of suffocating, insecure control over everyone else in the family in order to have proof.

I also only offer advice when asked and don't keep up a stream of "You don't want to do it like that" comments. My own (former) MIL was very partial to this and I remember how much I wished she'd shut the fuck up at times. You have to leave people to lead their own adult lives and be around to support, not control them.

Bonsoir · 28/04/2011 14:57

My sister tried very hard to be a good DIL when she got married (my parents and their parents all got on brilliantly and we had no negative role models), and got her fingers burned BIG time as her ILs are hugely selfish. I'm quite glad she went before me, as my MOL (RIP) was a truly vile woman - at least I had no expectations of never getting anything but grief from her!

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