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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to hear examples of sons who are still close to their parents after marriage

106 replies

elisio1 · 28/04/2011 14:31

I have 2 DSs- I love them dearly. I don't feel at all daunted re:having 2 boys; I love stereotypical boy activities but ,equally, will throw myself into non male-stereotypical activities if they turn out to enjoy them more! I have always enjoyed mixed company, rather than all girl gangs.

But the thing I hear time and time again at toddlers groups, from friends, strangers, anyone who wants to stick their nose in, is that sons will leave me when they get married and turn to their wives' families. I know it's just talk, I know it doesn't always hold true, but it is the one aspect of having boys that I really worry about.

In fact, I really think this is the main thing that mums of boys worry about, and where all this current negativity/anxiety about having boys ( and , yes it really does exist. Sadly) stems from.

I think it would do all mums of boys some good if they could hear some examples where this doesn't happen..

I know of a few such examples so I'll start the ball rolling- my dh's best friend, who has 2 kids, moved to live next door to HIS parents. His wife adores the in-laws and always complains that her own parents aren't interested in the kids- in fact, they are much more interested in their SON's children! rather than their daughter's. So that example completely counters the stereotype.

So there's one example, but I'd love to hear more stories about sons staying close to their parents after marriage - and nice mil relationships.

OP posts:
icooksocks · 28/04/2011 15:18

DH is really close to his mom, we see PIL's nearly every day. I wish my mum would bother half as much.

posterofagirl · 28/04/2011 15:24

DH loves his family, this is part of what I love about him. It's much nicer having 2 sets of parents.

ChopMonster · 28/04/2011 15:25

I moved 120 miles away from my family to be with DH as he is so close to his parents. His whole family are lovely and his parents treat me like a daughter. We see more of them than my family because of the distance but there is no 'favouritism'.

His parents only have boys and mine only have girls. During wedding planning and my pregnancy, MIL has been there for us but worries about intruding/interfering/taking me away from my mum, bless her.

I know there are a lot of stories about bad MIL/DIL relationships affecting mother/son relationships but it's not necessarily the norm. I would be gutted if my DS drifs away when/if he marries. Although at 9 weeks old I don't think I need to worry about that yet!

Muser · 28/04/2011 15:29

May I suggest that next time someone makes an idiotic comment about losing your son to a wife you reply "you never know, he might be gay". I suspect they wouldn't know what to say to that.

And my MIL is great.

Quenelle · 28/04/2011 15:29

DH is close to his mum and dad. We see them as a family most weekends and DH takes DS to see them most Fridays. I think DH speaks to his mum on the phone once or twice during the week too.

I'm not exceptionally close to my MIL but we do have a good relationship. I suppose I love her as a relation IYSWIM. She's not at all the interfering type that I read about on MN though.

CinnabarRed · 28/04/2011 15:34

We're much closer to DP's family than mine. PIL visit us at least monthly; my parents have never visited. And DP phoned his nan every single day until she died. Can't get much more family-orientated than that.

In contrast, SIL is a nun. Although she'd love to see more of her family ,it was a sacrifice she was prepared to make when she made her final vows. So, as loving as she is, she's removed herself from her family far more effectively than DP ever could.

FluffyDonkey · 28/04/2011 15:34

jellybeans she is a nice MIL, although I really don't know her very well.

Part of the "problem" is the generation gap - there are 44 years between us! So we don't really do stuff together, but it's nice having a chat with her, especially as she seems so keen to approve of me and everything we do! However the generation gap isn't really a problem because she doesn't impose on us and we don't impose on her. Also I'm sure she sees me as a good influence because I get DH to send her postcards and Christmas cards, something he didn't do before!

I agree with previous posters. I think with sons the key is to give them space. My brother went through a few years of being awful at keeping in touch, remembering birthdays or visiting. However, now he rings my mum every week, and sees my parents more regularly than before. Again, my parents don't impose stuff on him. It's been YEARS since we saw my brother at Christmas (they either spend it at his inlaws or just with friends). We learnt that nagging just caused arguments so we let it go. And now we see him either a couple of weeks before Christmas or a couple of weeks after. That way he is very pleased to see us, at a time that suits him better and there's no bad feeling.

pudding25 · 28/04/2011 15:35

My DH is very close to his parents and so am I.

mrsotter · 28/04/2011 15:43

As long as you don't try and mother your grown up son you will be fine.

DH doesn't see his mum anymore, she couldn't accept that she was no longer the main woman in his life and made life awful for us.

She wasn't invited to the wedding and hasn't ever seen her grandchildren.

Very sad as she worshiped the ground dh walked on - according to his dad dh was her 'golden boy' and couldn't put a foot wrong.

You cannot control your adult children, they will see you if they want to (eg if you are nice and kind to the woman they love) they will not want to see you if you are jealous or controlling.

It really is in your hands.

MCos · 28/04/2011 16:09

My DH and his brothers are all close to their parents. They are all in weekly contact, at a minimum. Now, some of that contact is a 5 mins call, which is just checking in really. But, it is contact all the same.
DHs parents don't impose on any of their children, they all had lots of personal space all the time while growing up.

The ILs have their own opinions on some stuff that doesn't match the younger generation, but while they are not slow to voice their opinion, they are able to do so without being overbearing, and they don't keep on about it once they have voiced their opinion either.
All the DILs like the ILs, while having good relationships with their own parents also.
So, unless you are very unlucky in your son's choice of wife, you will reap what you sow.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 16:32

In RL all my friends (well nearly all)and relations are close to their ILs. I think that you get a skewed view on MN because people only post to moan.

It makes sense that DH must be who is he is from genes and nurture-both of which are down to his parents. Your DDs may also turn out to be mini MIL both in looks and character. One of my DSs is the spitting image of my FIL and he is very like him in ways too.

I wouldn't worry about it. If you are laid back and not expecting to control your adult DCs I think it is fine.You will run into trouble if you have been a control freak and not only told your DS what to do, but have told him what to think, because DIL will come along and refuse to agree that mum knows it all!!

If men were posting on here the mothers of DDs would get a bashing.

It is all down to personality-many women want a girl to dress and go shopping with-but in reality the DD may not like the same clothes and may loathe shopping.

I am not a MIL but I love the girlfriend stage-it is lovely after an all male house. I have got on well with all of them. The best idea is make a friend so that you can do things without your DS having to be with you.

kaj32 · 28/04/2011 16:44

My mum and brothers are very close. My older brother sees her several times a week and she sees his wife as much. They did in through a phase where they didn't speak for several months but that was because my mum was a vile cow to my sil.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 16:57

If it makes you feel better OP, my mother and SIL have been on holiday together without my brother-they get on well.

GiddyPickle · 28/04/2011 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 28/04/2011 17:18

My brother. He has always been close to my Mum and Dad....even after marriage. Hs wife likes them.

But my Mum and Dad ARE very cool.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 28/04/2011 17:19

My DH is not close to his though....he forgets their Birthdays etc.....so OP I advise you to start drumming it into yours asap...remember Mummys birthday....and it wil be ok.

paulapantsdown · 28/04/2011 17:20

This is the very reason that I tell everyone that I am hoping that one of mine turn out gay, and that the other one marries and orphan.

People think I am making a joke - but I am deadly serious.

wordfactory · 28/04/2011 17:26

I have a couple of friends whose partners are extremely close to their Mothers and it drives them mad. They hate the feeling of not being the most important woman in their partner's lives.

They also hate the way their partners become so infantile in their Mother's comapny. One says it is a sexual turn off.

I think we Mums have to accept that though we wish to remain close to our sons, we will have to cede to our DILs. Which is as it should be, I think.

2babyblues · 28/04/2011 17:31

My brother is permanently at my parents house at the weekends (he is single) and on the phone to my mum most days! I'm not sure what would happen if he found a girlfriend though! My mum is desperate for him to meet someone and settle down. However, I'm not sure whether my mum would manage not to get too involved especially if she felt the girlfriend wasn't treating him well!!!! He has aspergers so finds relationships difficult.

My husband loves his parents and they are on the phone everyday. However, we do live 6 hours drive away so don't see them tons. We do use up most of our holidays seeing his family as it is a bit far to travel for a weekend. When we do meet up we all get on really well and I usually do shopping and stuff with his mum. If they lived down the road we would probably see a lot of them.

Thinking back on past boyfriends,they have all been mummy's boys. My sons are real mummy's boys too, though they are only 4 and 6 so that may change (hope not!).

Indith · 28/04/2011 17:33

My dh is close to his parents. It is lovely really but does drive me mad at times as they are divorced and he is also close to his brother so can easily spend an entire weekend afternoon on the phone as he will talk to his mum for an hour then his dad will call and they have a good chat and then his brother. They are all really good about calling each other so all speak once a week. He is good at remembering birthdays too and he, his dad and his brother will usually all get togethr to go to the rubgy as a birthday thing (all 3 birthdays close together) and his mum always gets a bunch of flowers for hers :)

PaulaMummyKnowsBest · 28/04/2011 17:42

I think that as a parent, you need to treat you DIL like a daughter.

My MIL is lovely and has been like a mother to me. I am obviously very happy to have her in my life and DH and I go to her house for tea most Saturdays. Her DD (my SIL) also goes with her family so all of the children go off to play leaving the adults to sit and chat.

It is really nice

exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 17:44

The first thing you do is accept your DSs choice.

freesias · 28/04/2011 17:51

my dh and his brothers is far closer to his parents than i am to mine if that reassures . they have a very close relationship despite living over 600 miles apart .

Shodan · 28/04/2011 18:10

My DH is close to his parents. So am I though, because they are truly lovely people. It helps that we share a similar sense of humour. What also helps, though, is that they are not totally blind to his faults and will 'take my side' if/when they see him behaving like a pillock being unreasonable.

On the other hand, two out of my four brothers are married and they are NOT close to mum. But that's because none of us are particularly close to mum as she's a bit weird.

So the moral of the story is: be lovely and have a good sense of humour, trust that you've brought your dss up well enough that they want similar in their wives and always bring wine. The you'll always be close.

EggyAllenPoe · 28/04/2011 18:15

My dad lived with his parents (aside from the occasional sojourn at university) until age 28, whereupon he moved 2 miles down the road to the family home.

we used to visit most weekends up until we moved South.

My own brothers ..seem to be visiting and being all devoted like, though only one is married and neither have kids.