to want to hear examples of sons who are still close to their parents after marriage

[elisio1]

I have 2 DSs- I love them dearly. I don't feel at all daunted re:having 2 boys; I love stereotypical boy activities but ,equally, will throw myself into non male-stereotypical activities if they turn out to enjoy them more! I have always enjoyed mixed company, rather than all girl gangs.

But the thing I hear time and time again at toddlers groups, from friends, strangers, anyone who wants to stick their nose in, is that sons will leave me when they get married and turn to their wives' families. I know it's just talk, I know it doesn't always hold true, but it is the one aspect of having boys that I really worry about.

In fact, I really think this is the main thing that mums of boys worry about, and where all this current negativity/anxiety about having boys ( and , yes it really does exist. Sadly) stems from.

I think it would do all mums of boys some good if they could hear some examples where this doesn't happen..

I know of a few such examples so I'll start the ball rolling- my dh's best friend, who has 2 kids, moved to live next door to HIS parents. His wife adores the in-laws and always complains that her own parents aren't interested in the kids- in fact, they are much more interested in their SON's children! rather than their daughter's. So that example completely counters the stereotype.

So there's one example, but I'd love to hear more stories about sons staying close to their parents after marriage - and nice mil relationships.

i wil add although DH has never really got on well with his Mum, whilst her house isn't being rebuilt we tried to visit every 6-8 weeks, allowing for pregnancy/ chldbirth.

the problems that mean men visit their parents less arise mostly because the relationship wasn't that great in the first place, but also because of the normal pressures of life that cause people to move apart, and not have time to visit (work, children etc)

I was at PIL's Easter weekend looking at the estate agents ads and fantasizing about moving close to them.

Like Shodan says they do also recognize my DH may not always be perfect and I know they've always got my back if he does something ridiculous.

And, while it rarely happens, if they step over the line with regards to DD (1st GC) I feel comfortable enough to say something and they are very respectful of me.

I think once your child is an adult and in a relationship, you have to accept that that person is now the first in their life. That they will share things with them that they don't with you.

The MILs who are unhappy are the ones that don't make this transition well.

My DH is very close to his mum, however we would see more of them if she weren't so unwelcoming to me I think and horrid to my DD. I think the key to remaining close is to maintain a good relationship with your DS but also to be nice to his wife!!!

I would agree wordfactory-and they need to start letting go much earlier-those who are overcontrolling with 8yr old, 14yr old, 16yr olds are not going to magically let go when the time comes.
I am always amazed at those people who have MIL who think they can read the post, change cupboards around, pressurise into going to church , coming to dinner etc-things they should have stopped years before.

If you accept that your DS has a free choice of partner and the partner will come first I don't think you get a problem.

My Mum in law is fab and we spend loads of time with her and FIL, I would rather be in their company than my own families.

She is wonderful, treats me like a daughter and does everything she can to make us happy, and we love her to pieces.

On the other hand her other DIL and her son are rude and treat them like crap.

We are so close to our in laws and don't worry, if you are a good person and care about your sons (and that means care about who he chooses and their children) you will be fine, I hate anti MIL threads, there are some nuts about but if you are quite sane and actually want your sons to have love and happiness I hope it all works out x

How strange. I have 2 boys and the thought never occurred to me. My brothers didn't change when they married, in fact having wives meant the communication lines were more open than before. I can't think of a single example in my family where this has been the case.

DH is still close to his parents. Not in a mammy's boy way thank goodness!

my Dh loves his mum and dad a lot. Unfortunately we live far away but he phones and tries to take trips to see them. They have also been on holiday with us and visited us for long stays. We probably spent more quality time with them than my parents. It helps that I'm very fond of them and enjoy spending time with them.

OTOH - my brother loved my mum but didn't make much effort to see her even though he only lived a 20 min walk away and it would have meant the world to her for him to pop in and see her more or take her out to lunch. She died a few years ago and I know he feels terribly guilty even though he did lover her very much - funny we don't always realise how much until you are losing or have lost that person.

I have another positive story - my DH is very close to his parents and I love them too (although they do occasionally irritate me a little but that says more about me than them! ) Judging by my sample of married friends the key to staying close to your children (sons OR daughters) after they marry (or at all!) is definitely accepting that they have become adults and are entitled to live their own lives and make their own mistakes without constantly being given "advice", criticised or emotionally blackmailed. Hopefully my DH and I will manage to do this with our two DSs!

My MIL is lovely and I think she's a VERY important woman in the lives of my children and husband. She's very determined that her way is right but I can roll my eyes and I still love her. When we took our 10 day old son to visit her she asked if she could pick him up and my heart went out to her, "of course you can, he's your grandson". We visit her when we can and she's always welcome here. Her other son lives about 100 metres away and the grandchildren spend alot of time with her.

I think she works harder than a mother of the mother would but I think she has a very close relationship with both sons and all the grandchildren. (I hate to think it as I'd like it to be even but I know the children get more excited to see her than my parents.)

Hi, OP here again.
Well, what a lot of lovely replies- thanks everyone. Sounds as though there are a lot of men out there who have good, well-balanced relationships with their parents. Makes me feel much better.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more men I can think of who have good relationships with their parents. eg my younger brother, who has a nice relationship with my mum- admittedly, it is different to the one I have with her, but it is still good.They don't confide in each other much, but do have lots of interesting, politics/culture-centred discussions- probably more(or at least equally!) worthwhile than my and my mum's gossipfests! He hasn't got kids yet though.

I also think that we may see things changing as more dads become stay-at-home dads...so their mums may be around more to help them(and DILs) with day-today childcare issues? Who knows?

It makes me realise that I must make a real effort with my PIL- they have 2 boys and have probably had similar worries to me, plus, as someone said, you reap what you sow. If my boys see a lot of my PILs, then hopefully they will expect their kids to see a lot of me and DH?

LOL at whoever it was who said they wanted one son to be gay and one to marry an orphan! I really empathise!

glitterkitten " A daughter is yours for the rest of her life, but a son's only yours till he finds him a wife.....
Very true IME"

I find this really offensive actually - as if all a Mum of sons is good for is bringing them up until they get married and then theyre cut out of their Mums life - complete rubbish and a huge diservice to men out there who care enough about their Mums.

My Dad and Uncle are still really close to my grandma. One or other usually pops round every evening. My g'ma loves it. She also has plenty of grandchildren who visit regularly too.

I think about it too OP as i only have 2 boys who mean the world to me. I can't understand MIL's who decide to hate the DIL and push them away. Surely you want to be friends with any future DIL - must help in making sure our sons hopefully stay close to us.

Yoour absolutely right there fasted - Im hardly a MIL yet but my 18 year old son has been with his girlfriend for nearly 2 years now and Im good friends with her, she is welcome to stay any time he wants her to.

MrNC is very fond of his mum (and dad), and she is a fab MIL who thinks I'm totally wonderful. :)
We live a few hours away but he chats to his parents weekly at least.

My mum is the bonkers MIL of the family... though to be fair she's got a lot better since becoming a grandma. I worry though because ds is just like me as a child, and I was later hugely unhappy at home, and maybe I'm turning into my mum?

My dad and his brother both live next door to their mum (apart from the bit where she pissed off to the south of France for 30 years anyway) but I wouldn't say they're close exactly ... but then she is one of the most aggravating, manipulative women you will ever meet Not sure either of her DILs have particularly enjoyed her being so close.

I have two brothers, both married. One also lives next door to my parents (this is all sounding a bit cult-y, isn't it?) and has his office in one of their outbuildings, though he is supposed to be moving soon due to his DW's work. The other is 5 min drive away, in the same village, though not sure how often my parents see him (compared to the other one, who quite often rifles through their fridge) - probably a few times a month though.

Does that help or does it just make my family sound like freaks?

my DP loves his mum to bits, she gets on his nerves sometimes, they bicker occassionally but she's his mum and he loves her. i love her too, we've had our moments (due to me being pissed off with her taking over with DD, and i assure you i would be the same if it was my mum taking over, but my mum knows better!) she takes our DD out for a few hours once a week and after that stays for a cup of tea and some cake and we go to her house for tea every few weeks, it's nice.

i have a large family with loads of male cousins, they have honestly all got great relationships with their mothers. one of my aunties found it difficult that her son was so close to his wife's family, she was jealous and it caused issues between my auntie and her DIL (my cousin stayed out of it, terrified to discommode his wife or his mother!) finally my auntie backed down and accepted that her DIL came first in her son's life and that he was entitled to be close to her family, now things are great between them and our 2 families actually get together on special occassions.

i personally think the key is not to just be a mother, you need to keep your own identity and have a life outside of the home. when the kids grow up get out there with your girlfriends, book girly breaks away, go on date nights with your husband, book holidays with him and live your life and let your kids live theirs. i guarantee that you'll still maintain a healthy, happy relationship with your kids if you do this and you;ll all look forward to seeing eachother and spending time together.

it's your job as a mother to love your kids more than anyone and put them first, it's not their job to do the same in return. they are supposed to grow up, get married, have kids and put their spouses and children first, just as you did. doesn't mean they'll love you any less, they wont! it just means they love someone else in a different way and will put them first.

although it doesn't do any harm to drum it into your son from a young age "you can go through as many wives as you like but you'll only ever have one mummy... nobody will ever love you like i do and i will always be here for you if you need me forever and ever"

Oh, my other granny also has two sons (and six daughters). One lives in a different continent so she only sees him every couple of years if that. The other though lives next door (notice a theme here?) and checks on her most days, though has recently retired so is now off travelling a lot. His DW is Turkish so obviously her parents are a long way away, which may have made a difference.

if i ever have a son and become a MIL, i plan on being myself, which is a friendly, welcoming, family orientated person who will be devoted to my son and totally supportive of his choice of partner. i won't interfere but i will be there for both of them if i am needed. i will invite them for sunday lunches/bbq's and i will also invite my DIL's family. i'd hope we could all be friends and that there'd be no power struggle.

i've also noticed that nowadays grandparents are massively needed by their children and DIL's/SIL's to help with childcare and i think by the time we have grandchildren that will only have increased. the way things stand, most parents need to work and nurseries are very expensive, so naturally grandparents are asked to help.

i think it's very possible that the majority of us will be helping out in some shape or form with our own grandkids childcare in the future, our DIL's may not like us, but they'll need us!

I have a DS and I will not, under any circumstances, be offering to do childcare for him and any future partner. Nor will I devote my life to him. I hope that he will want me in his life but I am quite happy at the thought of letting him go off in life and form his own relationships with other people and hopefully he will keep in touch by telephone, email or whatever communication method they will have invented. I am just a DD but I am happy that my own mum doesn't expect to be a constant feature in my life and is happy enough to let me get on with having my own life and family.

My DH's mum lives in Spain and has done for most of his adult life. When she visits her presence is pretty full on and I do find that hard (no idea what she might be like if she lived round the corner) but I think we both accept that she has her own life in another country and it's quite good she's not here 100% of the time.

DH is very close to his mum and I am very close to mine, we just don't have to be physically in eachothers space the whole time. nor do we have to seek advice from them.

have only read the op, but felt a bit sad for your anxiety.

my brother and his wife live at the opposite end of the country from my parents and along the road from hers (mainly due to the age/stage they were at with careers etc when they met, rather than because it is her hometown iyswim). whilst they are geographically closer to her parents they are definitely closer to our parents.

my inlaws had four boys and mil expects that dh and i will be closer to my parents than his (thankfully for us she does think that). she doesn't really bother that much with us and although she gets on well with all her boys, she isn't that close to them. while i am glad that she is not the interfering mother-in-law, i think that it is sad that she hasn't cultivated a better relationship with dh and consequently me and our dd, and i do think that it is her responsibility to do that. by that i mean that it is the mother's responsibility to put things in place and develop the relationship with the kids, until they are old enough to reciprocate - by the time dh was an adult the framework had already been set. we do our bit in the relationship with mil, but quite frankly, we live and let live with her. it was like that long before i came on the scene and therefore i don't interfere.

anyway, my point is that if you have a good relationship with your boys, you likely always will, irrespective of their future relationships. it's more about you (ie your family), your personalities and your relationships than stereotypes.