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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to hear examples of sons who are still close to their parents after marriage

106 replies

elisio1 · 28/04/2011 14:31

I have 2 DSs- I love them dearly. I don't feel at all daunted re:having 2 boys; I love stereotypical boy activities but ,equally, will throw myself into non male-stereotypical activities if they turn out to enjoy them more! I have always enjoyed mixed company, rather than all girl gangs.

But the thing I hear time and time again at toddlers groups, from friends, strangers, anyone who wants to stick their nose in, is that sons will leave me when they get married and turn to their wives' families. I know it's just talk, I know it doesn't always hold true, but it is the one aspect of having boys that I really worry about.

In fact, I really think this is the main thing that mums of boys worry about, and where all this current negativity/anxiety about having boys ( and , yes it really does exist. Sadly) stems from.

I think it would do all mums of boys some good if they could hear some examples where this doesn't happen..

I know of a few such examples so I'll start the ball rolling- my dh's best friend, who has 2 kids, moved to live next door to HIS parents. His wife adores the in-laws and always complains that her own parents aren't interested in the kids- in fact, they are much more interested in their SON's children! rather than their daughter's. So that example completely counters the stereotype.

So there's one example, but I'd love to hear more stories about sons staying close to their parents after marriage - and nice mil relationships.

OP posts:

LaWeasel · 28/04/2011 14:57

argh typo. Don't care if there kids have a good realtionship with their inlaws that should say!

LDNmummy · 28/04/2011 14:58

Oh my DP and I are having this problem now we are getting married and becoming a family. He has brothers who are not ready to do this yet and the whole family seems to think he is somehow not the same person anymore and doesn't involve them in anything (not true as we spend more time with them than we ever have with my family and see them almost every day ) Unfortunately it is just their insecurities about him starting his own life and leaving them to branch out on his own (they have always been a tight family unit).

What I have found is that the more they behave this way, the more it is pushing him into wanting to assert himself, and his new found independence as an 'adult' man, away from them so he feels free to do so without them constantly being on his case IYSWIM.

I think with boys if you let them have their freedoms at this stage in their lives, they come back to you once they have settled themselves down in their new lives and feel confident in their sense of independence. Well that is what I gather from the men around me who are in their 20's and going through this transitional period.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/04/2011 14:58

My brother is close to me and my parents. He works with my dad and talks to my mum most days and sees her most weekends. DH is close to his mum and sees her every week.

Nothing suffocating, insecure or controlling about it. How odd.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2011 14:59

exH's unhealthy relationship with his mother was a major problem in our relationship. Don't be possessive about your boys. When they are men they will need to have autonomy. It's not going to be a question of either you or some other woman having her claws stuck into them. I have one DS and I sincerely hope I will be able to cut the apron strings, for everyone's sake.

Bluemoonrising · 28/04/2011 14:59

I thought the stereotype was the other way around - as in the saying 'you're not losing a son, you are gaining a daughter'.

theagedparent · 28/04/2011 15:00

My dad is still close to his 92 year old mother, he even takes his ironing round for her to do for him. So sweet.

Bonsoir · 28/04/2011 15:01

That's a joke, right?

EldritchCleavage · 28/04/2011 15:02

It has not happened in my family or extended family (siblings, sibling-in-law, cousins etc), I have to say. The men have not abandoned their parents and the women do not shut out their parents-in-law. Even the cousin with the truly terrifyingly evil parents-in-law has not shut them out.

msbuggywinkle · 28/04/2011 15:03

DP is close to his parents, in fact we're closer to them than to my parents. They are actually interested grandparents, whereas my Mum and Dad are both just married for the 3rd time and are busy doing the late nights out/lots of holidays thing so we hardly see them!

Flisspaps · 28/04/2011 15:03

DH is still close to his family, and we see much more of them than mine even though they live further away. We go and stay with them every few weeks for the weekend, and Skype weekly so they can see DD [csmile]

LDNmummy · 28/04/2011 15:03

Oh yes and part and parcel of this has been my MIL finding it hard that my DP doesn't want to eat her cooking everyday and likes the food I cook for him most days. She has had a set type of menu for years and has cooked for him literally his whole life so it has been difficult for her to let go of this aspect of taking care of him. It is such a classic thing between MIL's and DIL's that I couldn't believe I got caught up in a cliche'.

Its all fine now though, she is getting used to it and I let her have her days where she is in control because I love her anyway.

cowboylover · 28/04/2011 15:03

My DH and his brother are both close to there Mum still.

Me and SIL love spending time with them, we have family holidays where we all go and Sunday dinner together when possible.

Some times she is a little over powering but only ever with the best of intentions as i think she forgets I have my own Mum as well!

meltedchocolate · 28/04/2011 15:04

I have one DS. I expect he will one day leave home, get married and have his own life. I think that will be wonderful for him. I hope he is very close to his wife and puts her and his kids first in every way and in everything. I hope he will stay in touch with me. A weekly quick phone call and bring the kids to see me/ allow me to go to their house to see grankids in holidays. My job is to get him to that point and then let him go. I try to view it as a fact.

bronze · 28/04/2011 15:07

DH is still close to his parents. They are lovely though so it's ok from my point of view. they live 20 mins away and my parents live abroad so it's nice having them around. Dh consults his on serious stuff,. money matters, work contracts etc and I value his imput.

She spoils me as much as him though so I have never felt leftout

Bonsoir · 28/04/2011 15:08

A friend of mine's ILs waited until she and her husband had bought their first apartment before deciding that they too would like to live in the very same building that their son had made his new home in. And they bought the apartment and only then told my friend and her husband . Some parents just can't let go...

JamieAgain · 28/04/2011 15:09

meltedchocolate - Exactly, very sensible.

forehead · 28/04/2011 15:10

OP, if you want to maintain a relationship with your sons, make sure that you treat your dil's well and i guarantee you will not have problems.

HampstersDontSwim · 28/04/2011 15:11

Dh speaks to his DM every day at least once.

She is lovley and I would love her even if she wasnt my Mil.

I think the trick is to just be nice and not force ones opinions on our future Dils/Sils.

meltedchocolate · 28/04/2011 15:11

Seriously though. I have just watched my mother REALLY struggle as my brother got married. Couldn't help but think 'get a grip woman, this is a good thing for him, why don't you start having a life for yourself now?!' with all the love in the world... I really hope I am not like that with my boy. When he leaves I start 'MY' life again :o

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 28/04/2011 15:12

grovel

We spend far, far more time with DPs family (mainly get-togethers at his DMs) than with mine - nothing to do with geographical distance. I don't have any parents though and see my aunts, uncles and cousins a couple of times a year (if that).

Perhaps we should encourage our DSs to marry women who are orphans

Insomnia11 · 28/04/2011 15:12

We live 5 minutes walk from inlaws. We all get on so it's fine. Yep DH definitely sees a lot of his parents, more than I do of mine who live 3 hours' drive away.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/04/2011 15:14

Yeah, I wanna stay close to my DS - however, dont want to be like Peggy Mitchell with "her boys"

Weta · 28/04/2011 15:16

I am a bit terrified about this because my brother has become much less close to our family since he met SIL. She took a huge dislike to my mum and even stopped her seeing the kids for years. It's a lot better now, but still not entirely normal!

However, my DH is one of 4 kids (3 boys and a girl) and he is by far the closest to his mum. I get on really well with her too, and our kids adore her. So there you go!

dinkystinky · 28/04/2011 15:17

DH is incredibly close to his mum (who is a lovely woman and who I and the DC dearly love) - he speaks to her practically every day and we try to skype with her at weekends. She's very much like Fluffydonkey's MIL - keeps her opinions to herself and lets us live our lives as we wish. She came from a big family, my parents came from a big family - and in both they were taught to embrace additions to the family as real family which really helps. My parents love MIL too so much they go to visit each other (without us there) several times a year too!

glitterkitten · 28/04/2011 15:17

A daughter is yours for the rest of her life, but a son's only yours till he finds him a wife.....

Very true IME

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