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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL is being ridiculous

191 replies

Syd35 · 27/04/2011 08:32

My MIL has said she is having nothing to do with us because we didn't spend Easter Sunday with her. We have spent the day with her for the last two years but this year we decided to have friends round for a BBQ and thought it would be nice for the children to have some fun hunting for eggs etc. We spent Saturday evening with MIL and DH actually was the one who didn't want to invite her around on Sunday. We have been so good at spending time with her since DH's father passed away (7 years ago), for instance we holiday together once a year and see her almost every weekend and have spent the last 9 Christmasses together (I haven't had a Xmas with my family since DH and I got together). My mother is so laid back and doesn't put pressure on us to visit so I can't understand this.

MIL was due to look after DS today and we phoned last night to confirm the arrangement. We hadn't even realised there was any upset until she went ballistic on the phone and said we were selfish for not seeing her on Easter which in her opinion is like Christmas. She was tearful which is not like her, she's usually quite a tough cookie. If she had let us know Easter meant so much to her of course we would have seen her on the day but actually for us Easter is time off work, fun for the kids and an excuse to have lots of chocolate. Now she is not looking after DS which is causing a problem today but we'll manage.

Anyway, MIL says she wants nothing to do with us now which I think is really harsh and DH is very upset. She won't reason with us and slams the phone down so she is really angry just now. We are not sure how to smooth this over as obviously we still want her in our lives, she is great with DS and we enjoy her company for the most part but we don't think it's fair that she is making such an issue about this. We had invited her round this Friday to watch the Royal wedding with us but she says she's not coming now. This is not the first time she has stamped her feet if we haven't done as she wished and I think she is being unreasonable.

Any advice how we should go forward?

OP posts:
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 27/04/2011 08:34

Why didn't you invite her to the BBQ?

moonstorm · 27/04/2011 08:34

Let her sulk. She'll soon miss the dcs. Talk when she starts to come round.

DoingTheBestICan · 27/04/2011 08:35

ignore her,she sounds like a child stamping her feet cos she didnt get her own way.

Sounds like you already do lots of things to include her,leave her stew for a couple of days.

HipposGoBeserk · 27/04/2011 08:35

Oh tough.

She is obviously struggling to cope. There is no time limit on grief, and some people never really get over the death of a loved one.

Has she replaced her husband with your dh and family?

That would mean that all the time you do spend with her (which is a lot) only goes to confirm her expectation that of course she would spend Easter with you too?

Did she have nothing else to do on the day?

DoingTheBestICan · 27/04/2011 08:36

But why should the op invite her mil to every single event they do as a family?

Does your dh have siblings?

DoingTheBestICan · 27/04/2011 08:37

Does she have friends?

Sorry for all the questions.

LauraNorder · 27/04/2011 08:37

You need to give her time to sulk and then reflect on her unacceptable behaviour.

Ok so she is upset that she didn't see you Easter Sunday but she is reacting like a spoilt child. If you pander to her she'll do it again when things don't go her way.

I would leave it for now. She'll be back in touch and you can welcome her and be the nice loving family she's always had. That's my opinion anyway Smile

saffy85 · 27/04/2011 08:39

Let her act this way. She's cutting off her nose to spite her face really. She'll come round eventually I'm sure. And if she doesn't well, just means you can use all this free time to cqatch up with people you haven't seen much of lately. Win-win if you ask me Smile

Groovee · 27/04/2011 08:40

I'd personally leave her to sulk. Get dh to call her on Friday and ask if she is coming round. If she doesn't then leave her be. She's a grown up.

My gran went in a huff when my mum moved along the road from her as it meant she didn't have a reason to go and stay the night as my dad would walk her back along the road.

juuule · 27/04/2011 08:49

Did you discuss with her not spending the day with her or did you just decide you weren't going? When did you let her know that you wouldn't be spending Sunday with her this year. If she was expecting you on the Sunday (as had been the pattern the last 2 years) and had factored that into her own plans then maybe she was left a bit high and dry and felt as though her feelings didn't matter to you. Especially as she wasn't welcome at your bbq, either.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 27/04/2011 08:52

I think it was a bit mean not to invite her to the party.

valiumredhead · 27/04/2011 08:55

Personally I would've had the BBQ with friends on the Saturday and kept Easter for family so she could be included - it's obviously a big deal to her and sounds like she is lonely. Easter is like Xmas to some people, is she one of them?

Longtalljosie · 27/04/2011 08:57

No it wasn't mean! There are some events which are for family, and there are some which are for friends!

I think it's an opportunity to have a chat with her about all this, where you point out exactly how much you're doing. And I'd bring Christmas into this as well - you really should spend Christmas with your own family as well. If you're spending most weekends round there, when do you see them?

I'd tell her she's being ungrateful and should reflect on how much time you do spend with her. Well, actually I wouldn't because I'm a wuss, but if you feel able to, you should...

ShoutyHamster · 27/04/2011 09:00

FGS!

What a demanding woman!

Next time she starts something like this, why don't you just say to her 'Do you realise that my parents haven't spent a Christmas with me or their grandchildren in almost a DECADE because YOU are always prioritised? That every weekend we have - our family time - is open to you too? And you have the selfishness to try and punish us for not AUTOMATICALLY spending one particular day with you when you hadn't even let us know that to you, this day was special?'

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be giving so so much to someone who clearly takes it completely for granted and just expects more. Don't call. Let her know how angry you both are - do her a favour and treat her as you would any other adult who treated your family with such disrespect.

She really needs to start counting her blessings!

juuule · 27/04/2011 09:01

It was mean if mil had no warning that she was being dropped for easter sunday. Or if the they only let her know the day before.

TheRepublican · 27/04/2011 09:01

Sounds like shes still struggling to cope being on her own

My mum still gets lonely sometimes and my dad died a few years ago

Its a hard one

juuule · 27/04/2011 09:03

shoutyhamster - perhaps the mil had thought that spending the day with her was as special to her son and dil as it was to her. Had they told her at any point that it wasn't a big deal to them?

DoingTheBestICan · 27/04/2011 09:03

No it wasnt mean at all,the op spends a lot of time with her mil & is entitled to spend some time with her own friends & family.

Seriously i would leave her for a couple of days & get your dh to call her on Fri,if she still has the hump then tough tits on her,she'll be spending another weekend on her own then wont she.

Dont let her stamp her feet to get her own way,would you let your own dc get away with similar actions?

juuule · 27/04/2011 09:04

"She was tearful which is not like her, she's usually quite a tough cookie"
I think that's a bit of a giveaway as to how let down and upset she felt.

DoingTheBestICan · 27/04/2011 09:06

Well maybe now is the time that she should be encouraged to find friends & interests of her own.

Its not healthy for anyone to have this sort of intense relationship.

CareyFakes · 27/04/2011 09:06

I'd leave her tbh. Let her stew in it, realise she was being silly and then welcome her back with open arms.

She's obviously lonely, and seeks comfort in her loved ones. Her reaction was OTT but I'm sure she'll soon realise that herself and feel embarrassed.

TheRepublican · 27/04/2011 09:07

It was clearly something she was looking forward too

She just sounds disappointed

squeakytoy · 27/04/2011 09:07

If she is on her own, then why not take her with you to your side of the family at Xmas.

I would have invited her to the BBQ too, no reason why she couldnt be there at the same time as your friends.

MackerelOfFact · 27/04/2011 09:08

Leave her to sulk it out. I guess she feels a little used if she is providing childcare but not being invited to spend (what she sees as) a special occasion with you, but she's completely overreactig and doing herself no favours whatsoever. I think you've done more than enough to invite her for the Royal Wedding instead.

missnevermind · 27/04/2011 09:09

How much notice did you give her that you wouldnt be spending the Sunday with her?
Would you have gone to her or she to you?
Who would have cooked the lunch she was expecting?

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