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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL is being ridiculous

191 replies

Syd35 · 27/04/2011 08:32

My MIL has said she is having nothing to do with us because we didn't spend Easter Sunday with her. We have spent the day with her for the last two years but this year we decided to have friends round for a BBQ and thought it would be nice for the children to have some fun hunting for eggs etc. We spent Saturday evening with MIL and DH actually was the one who didn't want to invite her around on Sunday. We have been so good at spending time with her since DH's father passed away (7 years ago), for instance we holiday together once a year and see her almost every weekend and have spent the last 9 Christmasses together (I haven't had a Xmas with my family since DH and I got together). My mother is so laid back and doesn't put pressure on us to visit so I can't understand this.

MIL was due to look after DS today and we phoned last night to confirm the arrangement. We hadn't even realised there was any upset until she went ballistic on the phone and said we were selfish for not seeing her on Easter which in her opinion is like Christmas. She was tearful which is not like her, she's usually quite a tough cookie. If she had let us know Easter meant so much to her of course we would have seen her on the day but actually for us Easter is time off work, fun for the kids and an excuse to have lots of chocolate. Now she is not looking after DS which is causing a problem today but we'll manage.

Anyway, MIL says she wants nothing to do with us now which I think is really harsh and DH is very upset. She won't reason with us and slams the phone down so she is really angry just now. We are not sure how to smooth this over as obviously we still want her in our lives, she is great with DS and we enjoy her company for the most part but we don't think it's fair that she is making such an issue about this. We had invited her round this Friday to watch the Royal wedding with us but she says she's not coming now. This is not the first time she has stamped her feet if we haven't done as she wished and I think she is being unreasonable.

Any advice how we should go forward?

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 27/04/2011 14:18

Oops can I just confess I've been confusing my threads Blush. Am I the only one who's been mixing up the MIL who's in a huff about Easter Sunday and the one who does a whole list of things wrong including calling OP 'dinner lady'??

Maybe I should go quietly... sorry!

Original poster
Syd35 · 27/04/2011 14:19

Shouty you are funny :-)

Yes I think it's MIL in the bad books day today hee hee.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 27/04/2011 14:31

I would only make a new will if you are unhappy with the current one. If you have no kids from previous relationships I would have thought a will was fairly straightforward leaving most stuff to your husband. My will is more complex as we have kids from previous relationships and those kids need to be provided for.
If your husband and his mum made you sign up to something weird then I'd get a new one made, but I do think the husband behaved appallingly here. What was the rush?

ShoutyHamster · 27/04/2011 14:40

Yes there really should be a gameshow.

'MIL COURT'!

'Ok we've heard all the evidence now and the results are coming in ...I'm sorry Granny Syd35 - the Court has found you to be GUILTY...OF MIL-ITUDE!!'

'Ok ladies and gentlemen - thumbs up or down - get ready with your keypads and no conferring please'

NEE-NAR

'And that's 89% THUMBS DOWN! YESSSS! So it's off to the MIL DUNGEON for you Granny Syd35! Do you have any last requests?

etc. etc. Grin

girlywhirly · 27/04/2011 14:41

Money in trust for DS cannot be used by you or DH, even if you are trustees. You can specify how the money is to be paid to DS when he is eligible for it, at a monthly rate or as a lump sum or whatever. Usually a trust is managed by a third party, so they will administer in accordance with the conditions of the trust, with a solicitor if it forms a legacy in a will.

Make your will at a solicitors, where they will keep a copy, another at your home and give your mum the details of which solicitor you used. DIY wills if incorrectly written can be null and void on simple technicalities, in view of the 'other' will, you need your new one watertight, or the 'other' will be valid again.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 27/04/2011 15:59

money in trust can be used. I am a trustee on my son's trust fund. I am able to arrange payments for things that are for his benefit. The other trustee is a solicitor. We have to agree on what needs to be bought, and both sign any cheques, but we can buy him things from his trust fund.

RunAwayWife · 27/04/2011 16:12

Look at it as a lucky escape from a over demanding woman and cut ties

RunAwayWife · 27/04/2011 16:17

Make a new will at once Shock she is mental

Ormirian · 27/04/2011 16:18

Of course you aren't being unreasonable.

However she is and because of that she won't be able to see clearly until she has calmed down. Whatever her reasons she sounds genuinely upset so I'd wait and leave the ball in her court.

Ormirian · 27/04/2011 16:19

Oooh has this moved on then?

girlywhirly · 27/04/2011 17:01

Hecate, you need the solicitor to agree and co-sign cheques, I understand that. What I mean is you can't act by yourself and just take the money and spend it yourself, for yourself. I get the impression that the OP's MIL thinks any money she gives may be given to other family of the OP.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 27/04/2011 17:04

Oh no. You have to account for every penny!

And why wouldn't you? It's their money.

Mind you, my solicitor tells me that there are plenty of parents out there who seem to think they should be able to get their hands on their children's trusts! Shock

owlmaster · 27/04/2011 17:09

Syd35

I'd hold her at her word - she wants nothing more to do with you - result!

I don't mean to be glib, but from what you've said she adds nothing to your life except a lot of manipulating behaviour. You are maybe too entrenched to see it, but it seems clear that your family do what she wants and she throws tantrums infrequently because you are all in line for most of the time. Apart from this being cr@p for you and your husband, it's an awful example for children. I know you know this. Hopefully seeing so many people with the same opinion will help give a bit of perspective.

Original poster
Syd35 · 27/04/2011 17:15

DH is off to see her after work, he's not looking forward to it as he's probably in for an ear bashing. He doesn't want to leave her to fester although I think she needs a few days to reflect on things.

DH wants to try and persuade her to join us for the Royal Wedding viewing at our place on Friday. I haven't said anything yet, but if she does decide to come I think I will take myself and DS off to Westfield for the day or is that being petty?

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 27/04/2011 17:17

While she's in a strop I'd be tempted to write her a letter saying you're sorry she's upset, as far as you were concerned there was no agreement to spend Sunday together which is why you made other plans, you respect her wish for some space so will see your parents this Christmas and you look forward to seeing her when she's ready.

Dropdeadfred · 27/04/2011 17:17

I would leave her to contact you...

ZillionChocolate · 27/04/2011 17:18

I think it would be petty to invite her over and then go out.

femalevictormeldrew · 27/04/2011 17:24

Please come back and let us know what happened. And I really do hope he is not going over there apologising and blaming both you and him

femalevictormeldrew · 27/04/2011 17:24

Oh and make a new will (and be sure you tell her!)

owlmaster · 27/04/2011 17:24

You have nothing to apologise to her for. Neither does you husband, although depending on how tonight goes he may need to apologise to you if he capitulates to her unreasonable behaviour.

I cannot believe that anyone here suggests you did the wrong thing / should have invited her to the BBQ / have set a precedent (2 years?) that you can't change now etc. You saw her on Saturday evening. You did not say "see you tomorrow." She did not say "see you tomorrow." Presumably she doesn't even enquire about YOUR lives without her otherwise she'd have known you had already planned a nice day with your friends. She sounds like a lot of hard work for no return.

If you spend the day with her on Friday and all pretend nothing has happened (i.e. husband apologised on behalf of both of you and she decides to grace you with her presence) then you are condoning her behaviour. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but things will only change if you and your husband force it. She will not change for the better unless she gets a consistent message that you won't put up with this emotionally immature behaviour. In fact as she gets older it could get worse.

You may find that posting in Relationships gives some good advice.

Dozer · 27/04/2011 17:27

Your dp sounds like a wimpy mummy's-boy!

Xales · 27/04/2011 17:39

I agree with lots of other posters. Make yourself a new will as soon as you can dictating what you want not her. That she did this to you in such a condition tells you everything you need to know about this woman.

You know who I feel really sorry for in all this. Your mum Sad. This woman would probably love a christmas with her daughter and grandson around but because she is the bigger person and loves you properly she doesn't kick up any fuss at all.

And you know what I reckon your selfish MIL would go apeshit if you say you are going there for christmas so that you change and give her what she wants again.

otisdriftwood · 27/04/2011 17:49

Xales- I agree..the dc have two grandmothers not one.

You have nothing to be sorry about, you deserve a life without your mil being involved all the time

owlmaster · 27/04/2011 18:04

The MIL sounds like a real bully, OP's husband has probably been trained from an early age to keep his mum happy. It'll be difficult for him to change that, i.e. talking to her adult to adult rather child to mum.

Original poster
Syd35 · 27/04/2011 18:22

Xales your comments stirred up an emotion in me. I never even thought about it like that. The reason we tend not to go to my mum's at Xmas is because we don't live in the same country for the past two years and she visits us when she can. I say to mum every year she should travel to ours and join us but she quite enjoys hosting Xmas and I know she'll never be lonely as it's a big family on my side. If we were to snub MIL for Xmas I would feel bad as she really would be alone as DH is her only child and they have no relationship with the small extended family they do have - I'm beginning to understand why now.

DH isn't a mummy's boy really, he was a boarding school kid and quite independent from a young age. If anything it is me who reminds him to call her etc and he comments we see too much of her.

I will be sure to post an update on how their "meeting" went.

OP posts:
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