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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL is being ridiculous

191 replies

Syd35 · 27/04/2011 08:32

My MIL has said she is having nothing to do with us because we didn't spend Easter Sunday with her. We have spent the day with her for the last two years but this year we decided to have friends round for a BBQ and thought it would be nice for the children to have some fun hunting for eggs etc. We spent Saturday evening with MIL and DH actually was the one who didn't want to invite her around on Sunday. We have been so good at spending time with her since DH's father passed away (7 years ago), for instance we holiday together once a year and see her almost every weekend and have spent the last 9 Christmasses together (I haven't had a Xmas with my family since DH and I got together). My mother is so laid back and doesn't put pressure on us to visit so I can't understand this.

MIL was due to look after DS today and we phoned last night to confirm the arrangement. We hadn't even realised there was any upset until she went ballistic on the phone and said we were selfish for not seeing her on Easter which in her opinion is like Christmas. She was tearful which is not like her, she's usually quite a tough cookie. If she had let us know Easter meant so much to her of course we would have seen her on the day but actually for us Easter is time off work, fun for the kids and an excuse to have lots of chocolate. Now she is not looking after DS which is causing a problem today but we'll manage.

Anyway, MIL says she wants nothing to do with us now which I think is really harsh and DH is very upset. She won't reason with us and slams the phone down so she is really angry just now. We are not sure how to smooth this over as obviously we still want her in our lives, she is great with DS and we enjoy her company for the most part but we don't think it's fair that she is making such an issue about this. We had invited her round this Friday to watch the Royal wedding with us but she says she's not coming now. This is not the first time she has stamped her feet if we haven't done as she wished and I think she is being unreasonable.

Any advice how we should go forward?

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 27/04/2011 18:57

Why not make this the year you do go to your mums for Christmas. It won't be a snub to MIL, it's an entirely understandable wish, especially as you don't see your family so often. Time for MIL to start making friends and rekindle some of her relationships with family, unless it's too late. In which case she will have to manage alone. No-one's fault but her own. God knows, you've tried for long enough with her, and now she's trying to drive you away too.

Xales · 27/04/2011 19:17

I think your mum deserves a big bunch of flowers for being so amazing (unless she doesn't really care about you Grin).

Why is your mind set that you would be snubbing your MIL? Is that your opinion or what she has made you start thinking?

You have seen her for the last 9 christmases (is that spelt right?) how can one at your mum's be a snub?

It is interesting that you have done this since meeting DH........

Dozer · 27/04/2011 19:31

Only just picked up on the wills thing - OMG!

OP, you need to open your eyes here! And your DH too.

In your will that she wrote, who is named as the person who will have custody of dcs in the event that you and dh both die? Her?

gkys · 27/04/2011 19:57

OP thats not great for you! I actualy feel for your MIL too, your family is her crutch by the sounds of things, and she feels neglected, by refusing to look after DC she is showing you just how much you need her.
Am guessing she spent sunday at home very lonely, and probably very upset, bank holidays are always tough if your on your own, and I am betting that it never crossed her mind that she wouldn't see you, imagining her sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring or a knock at the door.

I would head around to her house without DH or DC with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine, tell her your sorry and explain it from your point of veiw. Make her feel that shes a big part of your family,

hairfullofsnakes · 27/04/2011 20:07

What an awful selfish woman she is. Totally agree with shoutyhamster about the fact you haven't spent any xmas's with your family (you really should do so from now on)

Let her have her stupid sulks and stop stop stop pandering to her pathetic behaviour. You do not owe her every bloody weekend of your life or every Xmas and holiday, you have been pushovers saints and now you need to put yourselves first a bit more and stop letting her get away with this childish behaviour!

hairfullofsnakes · 27/04/2011 20:18

After reading more I am completely AGHAST at how much rule you let this awful woman have over your lives. Why oh why is your husband going to see her?! She has you both by the balls and she knows it as she says jump and you say how high. I don't mean to sound harsh I really don't but please see her for what she is and take control!

Longtalljosie · 27/04/2011 20:29

Do you know what's in the will you signed?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 27/04/2011 20:32

She sent her child away to boarding school and now expects you to give her all your free time? If she wanted a close relationship she should have thought about that a bit earlier.

GloriaSmut · 27/04/2011 20:37

I now feel like an utter buffoon. If I'd known about the Will she forced you to sign my original post would have been rather different!!!

ENormaSnob · 27/04/2011 20:41

Gkys, did you actually read the thread?

NonnoMum · 27/04/2011 21:08

Re - The Will...

Regardless of money, it is vitally important in respect of who is appointed guardian to your DC. Should you and your Dh suddenly go (God forbid, but sometimes crazy drivers mount pavements etc) then you should have written in a legal document who you want to bring up your DC.

ANY woman with a dependent child should chose this for herself. Unless you appoint your sis or your bessie mate or whomever, your child could end up in Local Authority Care...(or with mad grandparents)

I hear most solicitors are open tomorrow...

Northeastgirl · 27/04/2011 21:31

Don't think you should have invited her to join the BBQ with your friends. Have a little sympathy that if you've spent every Easter with her since returning to this country 2 years ago, I can see why she might expect to see you this time, but it was up to both sides to arrange / agree that and she shouldn't have assumed it. For devout Christians, Easter is bigger than Christmas, but lots of people are on their own for big occasions and just have to deal with that.

Horrified at anyone forcing a will on to you. I don't understand how a solicitor could prepare a will supposedly on your behalf without meeting you, verifying your identity and taking your instructions. If there is family money, I can understand why she would hope that eventually it would stay on your husband's family, but that's not how these things tend to work in practice and it's not her decision anyway.

I hope your husband didn't go and apologise tonight. Apologising to keep the peace is OK short term, but it condones the unreasonable behaviour by the other party. I'd be inclined to let her be and wait for her to come round, (which she definitely will).

2rebecca · 27/04/2011 22:18

Why would you want to spend Friday with her after her appalling behaviour? She should be the one apologising, your husband is wrong for not realising this and being cool towards her until she realises how unreasonable she has been. I would be angry with my husband if he suggested something like this, although thankfully he has sensible parents, plus Easter isn't regarded as a "family" occasion and we usually either have a sporting event on, or go for a walk and pub lunch out with the kids if we have them, including egg rolling.
If you dislike her I don't understand why you ask him to phone her or want to see more of her than he does if he complains he sees too much of her. Do you have martyrish tendencies or something?
Back off from her. His behaviour re the will sounds unforgivable though, that isn't normal husband behaviour. Most men faced with a mother waving a will they have schemingly and nastily drafted for their daughter in law and a postnatal wife will send the deranged old bat packing not coerce their wife into signing it. That really does sound like something out of a gothic novel.

Original poster
Syd35 · 27/04/2011 22:30

Well DH went round and talked it over with MIL. She's calmed down a bit but isn't backing down, still thinks we were in the wrong. At DH's suggestion she has agreed to come around on Friday now. DH and I are bickering because I've said I would prefer to go out and leave them to it as I don't want to spend time in her company right now.

I also emailed a solicitor for advice re the will and am awaiting a response. Spoke to DH about it too and he said fine to get it looked over if it makes me feel better. He says it is to safeguard our DS if anything happened to us to make sure any money was passed onto DS and no-one else could make a claim. I will get the Will read over by a proper solicitor as Northeastgirl you are right, it was written without me even having spoken to the man and I don't see how someone else can instigate such a thing without consent. I do not know how much she paid but I suspect the Will company were just making money out of her, you do hear of cowboy type companies writing wills that are not worth the paper they're written on.

Even if MIL was doing it for our best interests she went about it in a rotten way and her timing was really wrong.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 27/04/2011 22:36

So she is still winning and has you both by the balls as she is comic Friday?! Your husband needs to really start to act differently and tell her that her behaviour is APPALLING, not invite her round. So, she has thrown a stupid tantrum and is dictator your lives! Why are you allow thi to happen?! I don't get it at all!

Original poster
Syd35 · 27/04/2011 22:42

This is why DH and I are now bickering because I think we need to tell her straight to back off and he thinks I'm blowing things out of proportion.

If I stick around on Friday when she comes I think it will be time for some home truths as I am not going to sit there and be all nicey nicey anymore. I have been too soft up to now as I am generally a peace keeper, don't like confrontation and care about other people's feelings. I've had enough of her crap now and will be giving her a piece of my mind although I already know she'll storm off and it will be unpleasant.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 27/04/2011 23:05

Good for you Op, but your husband needs to back you too. Maybe he needs to read this thread to understand it is not something that is 'out of proportion' at all! She is totally out of order and you must not pander to her anymore. If you do not put on a united front she will have succeeded in dividing you and it is your husband who must side with you on this. She is in the wrong and she must not be allowed to continue dictating your lives

Let us know how you get on and good luck.

clam · 27/04/2011 23:19

Shock She "isn't backing down, still thinks we were in the wrong?"
Thinks you were in the wrong for not inviting her to your home???What a sense of entitlement. You can invite who the hell you like, when you like, as you are adults, and it's nothing to do with being right or wrong.
THAT would REALLY get my goat, and I would make sure she knows it by being out for much of her visit on Friday, and cool with her when I deigned to return. Passive aggressive, I know.

Adversecamber · 27/04/2011 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booandpops · 27/04/2011 23:36

Blimey. Everyone is right. Your husband needs to tackle this so I'd have it out with him. If you do it you will be seen as interfering and mean.
He needs to set boundarys now. You have been more than fair in the past

ZenNudist · 27/04/2011 23:41

Don't let her ruin your Friday, put your foot down, you and dh need to present a united front. I know it's difficult for him but she started it and the only reason why she behaves in this way is because her emotional blackmail works. It is entirely unfair for her to tell you she had a problem with the Easter arrangements after the fact. She should have clarified plans during the week. Persuade dh that if he wants a quiet life the best thing to do is steer clear of her for a week or so, then brush it under the rug. It's not worth protracted arguing over. If she wants to sulk let her. Keep on being nice but distant. It sounds like she is very confident she can pull yours & dh's strings. He needs to be firm but fair with her.

PenguinArmy · 28/04/2011 02:54

So you're blowing things out of proportion when she was the one who wanted to cut all ties due to poor communication and a resulting misunderstanding. If any member of either family threatened to do that I'd tell to go fuck themselves then.

TechnoKitten · 28/04/2011 05:23

Good lord, and I'm normally the first person to stand up waving the banner in favour of mothers-in-law.

This woman sounds like a menace. Why should you leave everything to your DS if (god forbid) something happens to you? Do you not have parents, brothers, sisters, nieces/nephews that you may like to leave some of your money to? If she wants to make sure that her money goes to your son then fine, she should write a will with that intent. Writing one for you is ... words are failing me at this point.

Quite aside from the fact that there is no law enforcing you to spend your weekends, bank holidays, religious holidays, etc with your family should you choose not to - she is not entitled to spend Easter with you even if she thinks she is and the sooner someone points that out, the better for all of you.

I adore my mother in law, I am eagerly looking forward to her moving closer and spending more time with us as a family and more time with her grandchildren. Most mother-in-law bashing threads I support the mother-in-law through and through - I have 2 sons and will be one twice over one day!

On this occasion I think your mother in law is a toxic loon and should be treated as such. From a goodly distance. Can you take the family to spend Christmas with your own mother this year?

hairfullofsnakes · 28/04/2011 06:11

Hear hear techno - I second the visit your parents at xmas and great point re the will

I would not only change it though, I would tell her loud and clear I have

Stop letting this woman pull your strings and the time has come for you to lay down the law to your dh and tell him he will not let her manipulate any of you any more!

I can just imagine how smug this vile woman (the mil) must feel, she hollers and her son comes running begging her to come on Friday. The best thing you could both do?! For your hubby to say, 'actually mother, on reflection, and in light of your totally unreasonable behaviour, we have decided that it is you who needs to apologise to us so when you are ready to do so you know where we are and in the meantime if you want to act the way you do, carry on, we will no longer accomodate such behaviour.'

hairfullofsnakes · 28/04/2011 06:13

Oh and just remember op, you have the power to change things, you hold all the cards not her!