to think MIL is being ridiculous

[Syd35]

My MIL has said she is having nothing to do with us because we didn't spend Easter Sunday with her. We have spent the day with her for the last two years but this year we decided to have friends round for a BBQ and thought it would be nice for the children to have some fun hunting for eggs etc. We spent Saturday evening with MIL and DH actually was the one who didn't want to invite her around on Sunday. We have been so good at spending time with her since DH's father passed away (7 years ago), for instance we holiday together once a year and see her almost every weekend and have spent the last 9 Christmasses together (I haven't had a Xmas with my family since DH and I got together). My mother is so laid back and doesn't put pressure on us to visit so I can't understand this.

MIL was due to look after DS today and we phoned last night to confirm the arrangement. We hadn't even realised there was any upset until she went ballistic on the phone and said we were selfish for not seeing her on Easter which in her opinion is like Christmas. She was tearful which is not like her, she's usually quite a tough cookie. If she had let us know Easter meant so much to her of course we would have seen her on the day but actually for us Easter is time off work, fun for the kids and an excuse to have lots of chocolate. Now she is not looking after DS which is causing a problem today but we'll manage.

Anyway, MIL says she wants nothing to do with us now which I think is really harsh and DH is very upset. She won't reason with us and slams the phone down so she is really angry just now. We are not sure how to smooth this over as obviously we still want her in our lives, she is great with DS and we enjoy her company for the most part but we don't think it's fair that she is making such an issue about this. We had invited her round this Friday to watch the Royal wedding with us but she says she's not coming now. This is not the first time she has stamped her feet if we haven't done as she wished and I think she is being unreasonable.

Any advice how we should go forward?

But why should the op have to include her mil in everything that she does?

It is not unreasonable for her to want a few hrs in the company of her dh,dc & friends is it?

Surely a grown woman can find something to do for an afternnon on her own?

Ditto all other posters re ignoring her
If it is only the last two years you have been round for Easter Sunday what did she do prior to that ? What did you do when she last 'stamped her feet' ?

And OP just keep in the back of your minds that you might be a MIL one day and not invited by your DIL for family occasions

Yes, leave her stew in it. Ring her in a week or so and ask how she is. YOU want her in your lives so this is what YOU should do. Myself- what would I do- well, I couldn't stand my ex-mil so I'd see it as an excuse not to speak to her for a few months until SHE rang me. But I am NOT you, so my advice is to leave her stew and ring her in a week or so.

Look at what you have said

You are good at spending time with her
Your husband didn't want to invite her to a family day
she was due to look after your son today

In her shoes, I'd be pissed off too.

However, you do do a lot together and it is not unreasonable to want to do something just you and the kids.

Did you communicate this to her? Did she know you were not going round or did you just not show up? If you normally go round, there would have been an expectation that you would go round.

I think you should write to her, say you are sorry that she is upset, you didn't mean to hurt her and that you love her very much

I am in two minds about suggesting you add - and that you accept her decision to have nothing more to do with you but your door is always open to her should she ever change her mind.

on one hand that tells her that the ball is in her court and you won't be blackmailed and you won't go round on bended knee, but otoh, it is quite dismissive, very much says we don't much care if you are in our lives or not, your choice.

I think that, on balance, you have to accept that you hurt her feelings. You don't say whether you even told her you wouldn't be going.

Well i wouldnt bend over backwards to accommodate her & her petulant manner.

She sounds spoilt & op i think you sound like a very nice dil,you deserve a life yourself.

Seriously,can you not find her some outside interests?

Did she herself spend EVERY weekend & special occasion with her own mil,or did she spend then with her own mum & family?

Sense of entitlement!!

I don't think its stamping her feet I think she genuinely hurt, MIL do have feelings too

I'm sure she will realise and come round in a few days

agree with Shoutyhamster

See your point juuule, maybe there was a communication breakdown. But that's not the point at all. Instead of saying how disappointed or upset she was in a reasonable way, the MIL's response is to act like a spoiled brat. Totally over the top, unreasonable, insulting - what a way to act. And to the people who clearly include her in EVERY part of their lives, to the detriment of other, equally close family members. Like I said, she needs to count her blessings.

I think something should be said - and to those saying that she's clearly lonely etc. - if that is the case then a conversation needs to be had about how she's coping and what she might start to do with her life to deal with that. Because quite frankly on the subject of loneliness it seems that the OP and family couldn't do more to spend time with her if they tried, unless she actually moved in with them! Seven years is not recent - I don't want to underestimate the grief she must clearly still feel, but maybe this outburst should prompt a conversation on why she thinks it's ok to act this way. It's not ok at all.

She needs to be told how unacceptable it is to treat her family like this when they clearly love and care for her and go out of their way to include her to an extent that many families simply wouldn't. She is lucky to have what she does. Her response to this seems to suggest that she takes OP and family totally for granted in what they do and just doesn't value them in the way they clearly value her.

You are good at spending time with her
Your husband didn't want to invite her to a family day
she was due to look after your son today

I hadn't read the phrases quite like you've pointed out Hecate. Especially the last one. I think I often use that phrase when my mum is "due" to have my DD but not in a - it's your duty as her grandmother - kind of way but in a previously talked about and arranged kind of way. I think she is using the only thing that she can control and make the OP and her husbands life difficult as a form of punishment for leaving her out at the weekend.

Yes her feelings have been hurt and I do like your idea of a note saying that they didn't mean to hurt her feelings but saying she wants nothing more to do with them is a bit OTT isn't it? I think on reflection she will realise this.

She is acting like a spoilt brat throwing a tantrum - therefore I would treat her like one and ignore. Let her stew for the rest of the week or if you don't want to leave it that long send her a text tomorrow saying 'just wanted to check if you're still coming tomorrow' (I would text as it's less likely to turn into another rant, and if it does, you can ignore that too).

She has obviously got so used to you always being there that she now feels entitled to be included in absolutely everything, which is just not on IMO. But if you still want her in your life, you will have to tread carefully and very gently make her realise that throwing a strop won't get her anywhere.

'she was tearful which is not like her, she is usually quite a tough cookie'.

Maybe she has been struggling since she lost her husband but she was putting a brave face on. She doesn't have to be a 'tough cookie', she lost her dh of God knows how many years, she is old, lonely, probably fears about her health...

I could have written most of your op myself.

My own mother takes "what is left" meaning that pils (fil still around) have seen us on significantly more important dates than my own parents, just to keep the peace.

We would prefer to invite both sets of parents together, however pils enjoy taking offence and often create drama/tension at family events so this is not possible.

My mil has slammed the phone down on different occasions in the past. We never ring back now, it is her choice to call us after such rudeness.

Mothers' Day is the worst for her. And it's not just that she wants to see us. It's that she wants us at her house, at a particular time. (not for a meal or anything, just because she is controlling) So when we have said that we will come a bit later, or earlier, or even not at all, she completely over reacts.

I understand a little.

It could get worse btw if not sorted at this early stage. Some people think that because something has happened once or twice in the past, then this is the pattern forever more. We learnt this early on with pils.

I think too that the way this happened is quite telling. Note that the MIL seemed to just expect OP and family to turn up on the doorstep. No phonecall the night before to check whether they would be, or even to ask what time they would be coming, are we doing lunch etc. That's quite odd really. It seems to demonstrate that MIL has come to fully expect no other plans might be made, that all 'important' days (and lots of non-important days too) should be spent with her. But there are, for example, other grandparents too. It would be more normal and certainly more polite for it to at least occur to MIL that other family members and maybe friends might be around and to check on OP's movements!

She expects to be involved. She expected the other grandparents not to be, because OP and family would be with her. What does that, and her reaction now, say about how she views this?

Total sense of entitlement - not healthy. Or fair on anyone!

I think she is behaving in a manipulative, and emotionally vampirish way. Do not cater to her. And maybe if she rings saying sorry etc say fine, but oh by the way we will be spending Xmas this year with MY parents as they have not seen us for 9 years.

She is an adult. She needs to behave like one. Frankly what you have described is outrageous.

The scenario is very familiar to me. I did not spend easter with a 'friend' some years ago as I had been already invited out. She blew her top, said she was going to be alone, i was selfish, and proceeded to send abusive texts and e-mails for nearly a year afterwards. Reasoning with her got me further abuse.

Thanks for the comments.

Actually we never discussed that we would be meeting up on the Sunday. It's clear now that this is what she expected. The last 2 years it just worked out that we were together on the Sunday itself. Prior to that we didn't live in the same country as her so only since we've moved near her that we see lots more of each other.

MIL has lots of interests, line dancing, heavily involved with the church, has many friends of similar age and circumstance. I think perhaps her friends were all doing family things and she felt left out. We would never purposely leave her out we just thought we'd see her Saturday and have our friends over on the Sunday. Sometimes it's nice to see your friends without MIL being there. After all, the friends who came over on Sunday didn't feel bad about not seeing the wife's mother who is also on her own.

Might just add that we got married abroad and MIL was the only guest, how many people take their MIL on honeymoon. So I stand by my comment that we have been really good at including her. The one time we want to do something on our own she throws a wobbler.

Looking after DS today would have just been for 1.5 hours so we don't take advantage of her in that respect although she is always offering to look after him so we can go out, we rarely go out just to the two of us.

I think DH will pop round after work and have a heart to heart and hopefully smooth things over.

I think in some ways your MIL had every reason to expect to see you...based on what you have done in the past.

And that is why it is very important to manage expectations in advance.

Tkae this opportunity to let your MIL calm down and then when the dust settles set out more reasonable boundaries and expectations.
Explain that to you Easter has none of the familial significance of Christmas. Mention freinds and family that went on holiday.

Explain also that you can't possibly spend every xmas with her, perhaps drop into the conversation that your own Mum is unhappy.

Finally, point out that saying she never wants to see her GCs again, because she's peed off with you, is entirely and utterly unacceptable.

If you gave MIL lots of notice that you'd be doing something else on Easter Sunday then her reaction is massively OTT and YANBU.

If MIL had no reason not to expect to spend Easter Sunday with you until either you didn't call or on the day or you were walking out the door the night before then YABVU. If MIL would usually expect you at hers for a roast and you gave her no notice this wouldn't be happening then YAB Incredibly U as she probably did the same again.

Whether you now think your commitment to her is excessive or not, it sounds as though you have created an environment for your MIL where she is used to spending significant amounts of weekend time with you and your family - including most "significant" days (Xmas, Easter etc). She has, to all intents an purposes, become another member of your immediate family. I can understand why she'd be upset if that status quo was overturned with little/no warning and little/no explanation.

Of course you're allowed a life without MIL and to socialize without MIL - but if this reaction is completely out of character for her then, to me, it does suggest she's very hurt and upset by the way its been handled. It sounds like you value her contribution and involvement in your family - in which case I would be inclined to apologize for the hurt caused and, once everyone's calmed down a bit, use the situation as an opening for discussing everyone's expectations to try and avoid the same thing happening again in the future.

I haven't got any advice but she sounds a bloody nightmare - sweetness and light until she doesn't get her own way. I would be furious at her withdrawing childcare at the last minute as a form of blackmail too, really unfair. I'd be furious if I were you and your DH.

God, that was a really, really badly worded post. Need coffee

Your MIL is behaving like a spoilt, petulant toddler and needs to grow up.

The OP's DM has not spent the last 9 christmas days with her DD and maybe has never spent christmas day, at all, with her DGC, yet I don't see a thread on here about her tantruming because the OP and family didn't spend the day with her.

I feel sorry for her but don't agree with all the people saying the op should have invited her to the bbq. Why? Sometimes it is nice to have time with friends and you can't always relax properly with family there too, especially if she doesn't know the friends - the op might feel she has to make sure she's not feeling left out etc. Personally I think she is bu, but I can understand her feelings and would talk to her about it all when she's calmed down. I wouldn't leave it as she sounds like she is feeling hurt. I do think you should be able to spend some special days with your family though...

Oh and I do think threatening to have nothing to do with you is wrong of her. What about your dcs? Did this threat include them? If so, how awful - when you speak to her I think this should be flagged up as not acceptable.

Let your dh deal with her, otherwise you will become the big, bad wolf (there speaks the words of experience.)

YANBU. You have your mil for most of the family holidays. You are entitled to some time on your own as a family.