Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please please advise me!

129 replies

CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 22:33

Can someone please advise me what to do. DGM and her boyfriend (SEE OTHER THREAD) have just left to go to the hotel they are staying in. And something irreplaceable and very precious to me has gone missing. I am devastated. Literally sat in here in tears. What do I do. I'm tempted to go to were they are staying and look. But all hell will brake loose if I start accusing people. What do I do???
I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:09

He may be 'giving her a purpose', if she has been used to caring for vunerable people all of her life. That as well as loving him is going to make ending this relationship difficult.

HerHissyness · 26/04/2011 00:10

Listen love, we none of us need to be 80yo and get taken in by someone who is not what they seem.

This relationship has US ALL scratching our heads as to what the HELL they are doing together. If this bloke didn't see the bracelet today, then tbh I'd be prepared to perhaps give benefit of doubt, but he gambles, has a dubious background, treats your GM like this and not only SAW but COMMENTED ON the item that is now missing.

If a person was missing, they would interview the people that say them last. this is a valuable item, both monetarily and sentimentally. You are deeply concerned for your GM health and well being, and now deeply suspicious of the boyfriend. If GM was prepared to look in his bags, then fine, but she isn't, you can't afford to lose this item, and if he hasn't got it, all well and good. if he has, then you can wrap his little charade up right now.

Call the Police. You may save your GM from being strafed by this bloke.

HerHissyness · 26/04/2011 00:11

SS may do something about it if the police find her sleeping on the floor.

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 26/04/2011 00:11

No of course not but what would the police do? To the outside world this is a women who has been working up untill recently and can look after her self. Of course to our family it is looking slightly less that way but only slightly less. I can't understand it. I was badly abused by my ex p but luckily there was physical evidence of it because I know i would not have listened or excepted help at the time if someone had intervened, so even if that is the case it's only going to serve to make her more secretive about his behaviour. She loves this man.

I really feel the only thing I can do is listen and monitor it. I love my Granny and want to help, I just don't know how.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 26/04/2011 00:12

If you report the possible theft to the police and explain you are worried that this man's mental health is deteriorating, mentioning that he is making your gm sleep on the floor, would they not get in touch with his social worker who could help.

What about talking to Age Concern or some other organisation and see what they recommend.

I'm sorry, but it is unacceptable to do nothing.

HerHissyness · 26/04/2011 00:13

My GM is 90-odd. Last year she was fine. This year she doesn't speak and barely knows what is going on.

Deterioration can happen to anyone, at anytime.

BitOfFun · 26/04/2011 00:13

Calling the police would be a start, but you seem to have discounted this for some reason Sad

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:14

The only way SS would do an assessment would be based on his mental state or the OP claiming her GM was developing dementia. I would try to go down the route of finding out about him.

OP if your GM is happy to lie for him then the police will do nothing, but you are well aware of this.

Bogeyface · 26/04/2011 00:15

So lets assume you listen and monitor it.

What happens when you see her with bruises that she says she got from banging her head on a door? Or she suddenly cant afford to pay her bills, or has no food in the house, but says that she still loves him?

How bad has it got to get before you will do something?

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 26/04/2011 00:17

Yes she is an incredible lady. She lied about her age to carry on working and worked for a charity in Palestine teaching girls up untill about 2 years ago. She camped at Greenham common and has been so strong I always thought she should write a book about her life Smile. She is amazing which is why this is so baffling and why I wanted to trust her.

OP posts:
CarnivalBizarre · 26/04/2011 00:17

OMFG I am getting really cross with the OP now - YOU NEED TO GET YOUR GM OUT OF THIS SITUATION RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Would you allow your children to be abused like this ....even if they were old enough to make up their own mind - NO you wouldn't ..you would help get them out

Fuck your bracelet - its probably long gone but your GM deserves a bit of peace in her older years ffs

I am starting to think that this thread is a wind up Angry

I have seen my own GM fleeced like this and it didnt end well

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:18

OP- you were getting advice about possible action you could take at 11 this morning, you seem to be choosing to ignore it.

Ishani · 26/04/2011 00:18

I would call the police they will know if they are being lied to and what the procedure is for these situations better than any of us.

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:19

Carnival-i wondered about it being a wind up because alot of my questions were going unanswered this morning.

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 26/04/2011 00:22

I don't think my Granny would lie because in her eyes she doesn't need to. She probably accepts sleeping on the floor as part of what she has to do to care for this man. And she obviously trusts im or she wouldn't have him around her family. But the SS seems like a really good idea.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 26/04/2011 00:23

I'm not going to post on this thread anymore - the op's grandmother is in an extremely vulnerable position, possibly being abused and stolen from, but the op is going to "monitor the situation" rather than follow the advice she has been given.

Fair enough Angry

Bogeyface · 26/04/2011 00:23

constantly posting that she was an amazing woman until recently and that you are baffled by her behaviour is doing 2 things.

Firstly it is not actually helping her is it? Are you expecting us all to say "oh ok then, I am sure she will be fine"? BBecause we wont, as chances are she wont be.

Secondly, it is underlining how vulnerable she is as she has changed so much.

The only person who cant see this is you! Be strong for her as she clearly cant do it for herself. I am sorry to be harsh but frankly right now you are letting her down and are as complicit in her abuse as if it were YOU that makes her sleep on the floor.

CarnivalBizarre · 26/04/2011 00:25

Birds I didn't see the other thread until it was linked in this one and I do think its a doozie as the OP has every excuse under the sun not to call the police

If someone was doing one of my family over I would had them arrested by now

OP I hope your granny is really happy :)

Oh and you clearly have too much time on your hands and you really ought to write for the Daily Mail .....I could give you a great reference

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 26/04/2011 00:26

No at 11 I was asking about DS I took the advise he didn't go out with them today. The only thing I am saying is that I know she will not leave him just because the police have been involved, he has done nothing to warrant being arrested. Men don't generally get arrested for mental abuse. I am saying it will isolate her from her family. Why is that so hard to understand? I will call the SS but I don't see bar having him taken out what else I can do???

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:26

Op then at least during an 'episode' when your GM is sleeping on the floor or he is making wild accusations (AS HE DID WITH YOUR MUM) phone the crisis team. You have no excuse not to.

Bogeyface · 26/04/2011 00:28

But you think he is a thief and if he is then he HAS done something to warrant being arrested hasnt he?

Am I missing something here?!

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:33

As a family you have a duty to find out this mans background, as i said this morning. You still haven't explained why you would have let your DS be in their company without you there? I would just like to point out that having a person in the immediate family with MH issuse to the extent that you are describing and has unsupervised contact 'flags up' to CP (they would not count your GM as supervised). If there is an episode whilst your DS is there you will be investigated and asked why you have allowed him to be put in that position. You are obviously not going to act so i am leaving the thread.

CarnivalBizarre · 26/04/2011 00:33

umm OP don't you find it a l'il bit peculiar that a man of 40 has an interest in a woman in her 80s - unless they go the same knitting or jam making sessions ....which would make him an oddball anyway

I'm still thinking wind up - or you couldn't really give a shite about you gran thread

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 26/04/2011 00:35

Sorry Carnival care to explain? Are you insinuation I'm lying or that I'm a cold, unfeeling bitch. I would have thought the mail would call for this man to be hung, drawn and quartered. And I would rather die than have any thing to do with the mail but thanks any way. I thought I sounded more like a liberal lefty? Also untrue I just want to help my Gran with out causing her to feel totally isolated from her family.

MNHQ feel free to check that I'm not a troll.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 26/04/2011 00:40

I have said I will phone SS. I am not opposed to the police but in this case I don't think it would be productive and yes I care a great deal about her. Which is why as I have said over and over again I don't want her effectively cut off from her family who will try to offer as much support as poss.

And Carnival you are doing a great disservice to the people on this thread who have spent there time trying to help.

OP posts: