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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please please advise me!

129 replies

CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 22:33

Can someone please advise me what to do. DGM and her boyfriend (SEE OTHER THREAD) have just left to go to the hotel they are staying in. And something irreplaceable and very precious to me has gone missing. I am devastated. Literally sat in here in tears. What do I do. I'm tempted to go to were they are staying and look. But all hell will brake loose if I start accusing people. What do I do???
I'm gutted.

OP posts:
CarnivalBizarre · 25/04/2011 23:33

I am actually more worried now for your gran - she has obviously been flattered by the attentions of a much younger man and is blinded to the fact that no man in his right mind would take up with a woman old enough to be his own granny without having an ulterior motive ....your grandma is being fleeced big styleeeeee - call the police NOW!

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 23:36

Its a collection of charms mostly passed down but also added to. There was one from exp that he bought me when ds was born. Ds now has contact with his dad so wanted to at some point give it to him. They ment so much to me and I had a charm from almost every one significant. I think maybe im putting to much emotion in to some thing material but I am so sad ds wont get the only thing I thought I could give him from his dad. Its a tiny golden bird with a baby in beak. Im gutted. Sorry it must sound so trivial.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 23:38

I know it is my gran I should be worried for which is why I cant phone the police. I cant risk upsetting and so isolating her.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 23:40

So you will not call the police and allow her to be treated like shit by an abusive man instead, just so she doesnt get upset in the short term with you?

Nice.

squeakytoy · 25/04/2011 23:40

Have you rang the police yet?

squeakytoy · 25/04/2011 23:41

Right, so you wont ring the police, and you are therefore allowing this crazy situation with your grandmother and this con-man to continue.

Ring them. It is in HER best interests that you ring them.

Do you seriously think that this man is genuinely caring about her?

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 23:43

Do you seriously think that this man is genuinely caring about her?

Exactly, if he loved her that much HE would be sleeping on the fucking floor!

Just suck up being the bad guy in her eyes for a bit, knowing that you are the good guy in reality and that she will soon come to see that and ring the bloody police!

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 23:45

Bogyface- i was advising her to have an escape route incase he got nasty. The GM is choosing to stay and if she will not leave then the OP has got to realise that she has to keep herself and her son safe. The best thing to do is to bring this whole mess to ahead. She may not be able to force her GM to leave but the family should not be treating all this as though nothing untoward is taking place.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 23:47

OP- i understand about isolating her that is why i was trying to advice about putting it to her in another way rather than you putting it that he must have MH issues or an ulterior motive to live/be with her.

CarnivalBizarre · 25/04/2011 23:48

I'd happily call the police on your behalf! Who the fuck does he think he is - abusing and fleecing an elderly woman and stealing not only from her but from her family - he is a tool of the first order and your GM needs to be protected from him

PLEASE CALL THE POLICE ...you dont need to tell them that you suspect he has stolen the jewellery ...just that the last time you saw it was blah time and these were the people in the house iyswim

Please help get your GM away from this man - your jewellery might be important to you but I'm sure your gran means more to you than material stuff

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 23:48

Oh I wasnt disagreeing with you Birds, just saying that I was more worried about the GM copping it afterwards. I agree that if she did go then she should make sure she was safe, but that the GM has no one to stick up for her when the Op isnt there iykwim.

and you are right, brushing it under the carpet isnt helping the GM at all, and its only being done because no one wants to be the bad guy which is wrong. :(

sb6699 · 25/04/2011 23:50

OP - have you considered that if you call the police and they find your bracelet has been stolen by him, this might open your GM eyes?

Letting the situation continue is dangerous - if this man's MH is declining his behaviour WILL get worse until it is addressed.

squeakytoy · 25/04/2011 23:53

This man could actually be known to the police. It really wouldnt surprise me to find he has some record that includes theft or fraud.

The police need to be aware of the theft, and if I were the Op, I would be telling them exactly what the situation is with the tosser making the GM sleep on the floor too. The police are trained to deal with situations or contact the relevant authorities who can look further into this.

The grandmother is a vulnerable elderly person who is being scammed and abused here.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 23:54

That is why i was telling you that you should be asking questions about if he should be having appointments/meds. How did he come to leave supported living? Is he on a community treatment order? I would share my concerns even with a CPN/crisis team, when he is having an 'episode'. This cannot be left to continue unchecked. I still do not understand how you could have considered leaving your child with them. How far/who will you put at risk for a quiet life?

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 23:57

No I'm not saying I won't ring the police for my own selfish need to keep my granny happy, I am saying it seems like she loves this man. I can see no other reason why she would put up with him. She is not a stupid women, yes def and slightly unaware these days but not stupid. Despite her not picking up on all of his odd behavior she knows he is mentally ill and it doesn't stop her wanting to be with this man. So what is me phoning the police going to do apart from breaking all trust with me and stopping contact. She would then be so much more vulnerable.

Do you really thing the police are going to do anything about her situation when she explains that they love each other and he is keeping he company?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:00

Then please explain why you had to pose the question 'should i leave my DS with them?'

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 26/04/2011 00:00

Who do I question about this Birds? He left supported living I think because he chose to live with my Granny apparently according to him because he had a violent neighbour. She up untill recently worked with profoundly disabled children, I know it is no comparison but it might have been assumed because of this that she would be good support.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/04/2011 00:01

A child who is being abused by a parent will very often say that they love that parent. They dont want to lose them because, as screwed up as the relationship is, its all the child knows and they are frightened of what will happen if they lose that parent.

Would that stop you calling the police if you knew a child was being beaten, starved or raped?

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 26/04/2011 00:03

I suppose because she is so fiercely independent and was up untill very recently totally with it. I trusted her judgement. She has in the past looked after DS (yes he was much younger and unable to bolt) and all seemed ok.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/04/2011 00:03

Her loving him does not mean you have the right to stand back and do nothing when he is abusing her and the sleeping on the floor thing alone is abuse, never mind whatever else he may be doing.

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:04

Ok, she may be equating learning disability with MH issues. She is clearly out of her depth. You cannot force her to end the relationship. Can you not get together with other relatives to try to decide what to do for the best, someone must have abit more info on him.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 26/04/2011 00:05

See I would go round and tell them ds put it in bf bag, he thinks because he thought it was your stuff.

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 00:05

OP What do you mean by supported living?

BitOfFun · 26/04/2011 00:06

She is quite a lady to be working with profoundly disabled children until recently if she is 80- it must be awful to see her being reduced to sleeping on the floor for a forty year old lover Sad

Newgolddream · 26/04/2011 00:08

"Do you really thing the police are going to do anything about her situation when she explains that they love each other and he is keeping he company?"

Well if the item means that much to you calling the police will - eventually - get you it back if he has stolen it. Anything else they witness when they visit then it will be up to them. But yes I would think if the Police have concerns over someones welfare they would involve relevant agencies such as social services.

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