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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner is choosing his children over me?

118 replies

clair1804 · 25/04/2011 19:32

Am i being unreasonable?
My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. The problem is that i have got to a stage where i can't do anymore for these kids as it's causing me stress. within a year i have been subjected to the trauma of attempted suicided, incest, sexual abuse, drug taking and dealing with final straw of the daughter becoming pregnant by a local drug dealer. My partner is respectable and i love him to bits. i can see he is at his wits end but i have had to back away and say that i will be there to support him but all these issues are too much for me to contend with. I don't want anything to do with the daughter child, who i feel so sorry for, but i can not be involved with the people his daughter associates with. i do understand that at the end of the day this is my partners grand daughter i would not stop him see her but i don't want to be involved due to any backlash. There mother has got into financial difficulties and is filing for bankruptcy which she has now stated she is moving to the other side of the country. She has her 17 year old son living with her who has a major attitude problem and has been kicked out of college and is getting into the drug scene. My partner is trying to put him on the straight and narrow by renting a property for him to move into whilst i financial have to run our home on my own. I wish we could just run away from all this. i'm now getting to the stage where i am starting to loath his children for all the trouble that keeps coming to our door. We just get over one drama and then there is another. If his son goes to live with him i don't know where that will leave us. could someone give me some advise on how to cope. i do love my partner but in all this is seems that the only attention i would get is if i behave badly. all i want is for us to lead a normal life.

OP posts:
SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 25/04/2011 19:36

Am i being unreasonable?
My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22.

His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property.

The problem is that i have got to a stage where i can't do anymore for these kids as it's causing me stress. within a year i have been subjected to the trauma of attempted suicided, incest, sexual abuse, drug taking and dealing with final straw of the daughter becoming pregnant by a local drug dealer.

My partner is respectable and i love him to bits. i can see he is at his wits end but i have had to back away and say that i will be there to support him but all these issues are too much for me to contend with.

I don't want anything to do with the daughter child, who i feel so sorry for, but i can not be involved with the people his daughter associates with. i do understand that at the end of the day this is my partners grand daughter i would not stop him see her but i don't want to be involved due to any backlash. There mother has got into financial difficulties and is filing for bankruptcy which she has now stated she is moving to the other side of the country.

She has her 17 year old son living with her who has a major attitude problem and has been kicked out of college and is getting into the drug scene. My partner is trying to put him on the straight and narrow by renting a property for him to move into whilst i financial have to run our home on my own.

I wish we could just run away from all this. i'm now getting to the stage where i am starting to loath his children for all the trouble that keeps coming to our door. We just get over one drama and then there is another.

If his son goes to live with him i don't know where that will leave us. could someone give me some advise on how to cope. i do love my partner but in all this is seems that the only attention i would get is if i behave badly. all i want is for us to lead a normal life.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 25/04/2011 19:36

I put it in paragraphs...hope you don't mind....you may get more answers though! Smile

hairylights · 25/04/2011 19:37

He has a pre-existing commitment to his childre. Albeit that they are now older. You can't expect him to put you first and them second. Absolutely not. Sorry but yabu.

I don't think there is a future for you as a couple if you can't handle his prior commitment.

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 19:37

Children always come first.

Some times you have to get tough with them in order to see them straight.

Other times you just have to do what you feel is best.

If you feel you can no longer cope with all the stress his children bring to your relationship perhaps it is time to part company.

If you live together he should be financially contributing to the household first and foremost, if he does not live with you then what he does with his money is down to him

pinkthechaffinch · 25/04/2011 19:37

Incest Shock

How many of them, if any, live with you?

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 25/04/2011 19:37

Do you have any children of you own?

SarahStrattonsHotCrossBunnies · 25/04/2011 19:39

Your children are your children forever. No matter how old they are, they will always be his children. The youngest son is only 17, I would expect a father to put his son first tbh.

bubblecoral · 25/04/2011 19:39

You are in a horrible situation and I feel for you, but your dp is not choosing his children over you. He is supporting his children as he should and you are the one that is pushing him to have to choose. His children really shouldn't need this much supporting given their ages, but for some reason they do, and he would be wrong to abandon them because you don't want to deal with it.

Would you turn your back on your own children if they were having difficulties?

scottishmummy · 25/04/2011 19:39

given what you have described,normality isnt immediately apparent.sorry

get 17yo to speak to gp and hv for specialist services for young pg clients. also to discuss her drug use and its management whilst pg. this is really important

what benefits can the son claim?can he apply for short term housing help. so that he doesn't have to live with you?

work out a plan and as couple set some boundaries and be consistent about enforcing them

are any sw or youth teams involved?can they help

squeakytoy · 25/04/2011 19:40

You got involved with a man who had teenage children, that was your choice.

He is not choosing his children OVER you, he is doing what any caring parent does, and trying to help his children. You should support him if you are in it for the long haul.

Collision · 25/04/2011 19:41

thanks for the paragraphs Skinitting!

Am not sure what to say OP but it sounds complicated............if you and he love each other then I am sure you can work something out.

Blu · 25/04/2011 19:42

In the situation you describe it seems more that you are choosing escape from the family troubles over staying together with your dp. Ultimatums work both ways.
You can't possibly expect him to jettison his kids, even if they are young adults, if he fears for them.
Talk to him about structured support - in which you will support him, but also boundaries.

trixymalixy · 25/04/2011 19:43

YABU, children come first. I wouldn't respect anyone who ditched their children when they need help most.

Blu · 25/04/2011 19:43

Also, I strongly suggest you put this in Relationships instead of AIBU.

BlueFergie · 25/04/2011 19:44

His children sound like they have a lot of issues.

if they have been the victims of sexual abuse and incest then I am not in the least bit surprised that drug taking and attempted suicide have followed. Your partner is absoloutly right to put his children first. No mater what their age they he is still their parent and his children sound like they need his help more than most.

He cannot turn his back on their troubled lives because it does not suit you. He must exhaust all possibilities in helping them (although sadly it may be too late). have they been to counselling?

kaid100 · 25/04/2011 19:45

I'm sorry to say this, but his commitment to his children must come first. Plenty of times on the AIBU forum we hear of fathers who neglect their children, sometimes at a new girlfriend's bidding, and in that situation the voices here are unanimous that the guy is in the wrong. Your partner is doing the right thing here, and needs your support.

mossi · 25/04/2011 19:47

Playing devil's advocate, but how would it seem if he abandoned his dcs for a partner. They clearly aren't ready to fend for themselves. I think the choice is yours, not his.

Triggles · 25/04/2011 19:49

How would you feel if these were your children, and your partner said he couldn't deal with your children any longer?

scottishmummy · 25/04/2011 19:50

these are adolescents and young adults who have had troubled life and turbulence.

are any social services or health staff involved?perhaps consider what additional support may be available to them

mossi · 25/04/2011 19:50

But also to add - you sound like you've been through the mill and back. And you do need to think about your own health and happiness. Really don't know what the answer might be. Sending you lots of best wishes in the meantimex

NorthernGobshite · 25/04/2011 19:58

Incest? Really?
Things sound very difficult but YABU as I would expect any parent to put their children before their partner. And as his partner you should support him in doing this - they clearly need a lot of help and support.

iscream · 25/04/2011 20:06

It is a normal thing to support your children, especially if they are young and pregnant. Cannot fault your dp for that, quite the opposite. It is up to you to decide if you want to be a part of the situation, I don't really blame you for not wanting to be dealing with drug dealers. if she were my daughter, he would not be welcome in my life, but she and the child would be.

The 17 year old son is still very much in need of his fathers's guidance and support, hope they are seeking professional help as well.
Maybe you will have to move apart for now if this is too much, and see if your relationship is able to handle the bad times as well as the good. Assume you have no children for you to even think the father is choosing, when you are a parents, some things you do, regardless of how difficult as they are, because they need doing. But as I said, you can't really be blamed for not wanting dangerous criminals in your life.

Thornykate · 25/04/2011 20:07

When you say you have been "subjected to the trauma of an attempted suicide" do you mean that one of your step children tried to kill themself? And you are most concerned about the traumatic effect this has had on yourself? If I have misunderstood your post I am sorry but it reads that way & for that point alone YABU.

Concern about money is understandable & on that YANBU but it can maybe be sorted through frank discussion & compromise?

Original poster
clair1804 · 25/04/2011 20:08

I think you are getting this a little wrong. Families are important and i am not asking him to choose me over his children. I have spent 20 years nursing my elderly father and know how you need family support. Everyone is saying that he doesn't deserve me and should be stronger to sort his disfunctional children out but there is no clear answer to how you "sort this one out" all the way long i have been supporting him to cope with this but i nearly had a breakdown last year because of all the pressure but what kind of person would i be to turn my back on him.

Their mother has given no support at all. one time i was driving him and his two younger children around to try and find the eldest son who had taken an overdose due to his breakup with a girlfriend. When we finally got to the hospital his ex wife flew at me and ordered me out of the hospital. There was no support from anyone and my partner just stood there and let her rant.

We have bought a house together and the only way i can help is fiancially by letting him live with his son. His son doesn't me around only his dad and i can understand this as he has been in the middle of the arguements and upset his mother went through when they split.

The incest was something i found out from his daughter and at first i panicked as i wondered if there was a family connection. it turned out that the son had been abused and in turn then experimented on his sister.

half the time i feel like i am a counselling the entire family with no support for how i deal with this usual situation.

Am i the one who is being a mug and should i just find someone with one as many issues.

i would appreciate comments from anyone who has dealt with this kind of relationship. What do i do....walk and let him sort this out for himself?

OP posts:
Groovee · 25/04/2011 20:13

YABVU

My dad was a single dad to 3 children when he met my mum. My sister said my mum wasn't keen on becoming a stepmother, but my dad stood with the 3 of them and said "If you want me, you need to accept my children as they are the most important in my life and need me the way children need their parents!"

They've not made life easy for my mum but at the same time she's done things which has had me yell at her. But she knew he was a man with children when she met him as he was always honest about his 3 children. They came as a package just like your DP and his children. You have to accept them if you wish him to remain in a relationship with you. At the end of the day he will choose his children over you if you kick off or refuse to speak to them.

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