My partner is choosing his children over me?

[clair1804]

Am i being unreasonable?
My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. The problem is that i have got to a stage where i can't do anymore for these kids as it's causing me stress. within a year i have been subjected to the trauma of attempted suicided, incest, sexual abuse, drug taking and dealing with final straw of the daughter becoming pregnant by a local drug dealer. My partner is respectable and i love him to bits. i can see he is at his wits end but i have had to back away and say that i will be there to support him but all these issues are too much for me to contend with. I don't want anything to do with the daughter child, who i feel so sorry for, but i can not be involved with the people his daughter associates with. i do understand that at the end of the day this is my partners grand daughter i would not stop him see her but i don't want to be involved due to any backlash. There mother has got into financial difficulties and is filing for bankruptcy which she has now stated she is moving to the other side of the country. She has her 17 year old son living with her who has a major attitude problem and has been kicked out of college and is getting into the drug scene. My partner is trying to put him on the straight and narrow by renting a property for him to move into whilst i financial have to run our home on my own. I wish we could just run away from all this. i'm now getting to the stage where i am starting to loath his children for all the trouble that keeps coming to our door. We just get over one drama and then there is another. If his son goes to live with him i don't know where that will leave us. could someone give me some advise on how to cope. i do love my partner but in all this is seems that the only attention i would get is if i behave badly. all i want is for us to lead a normal life.

Theres nothing to suggest that you are actually in a Real partnership with this guy , instead it seems he simply leeches of you emotionally and allows you to do his job for him and all the worrying that goes with it.

Your 47 with no kids of your own , so relativeley free . You should be enjoying loveley holidays , days out , laughing till your tummy hurts and generally enjoying yourself . When was the last time you laughed like that ?
Instead your putting up with all this nonsense from a guy whos lied to you , cheated on you , treated his daughter like crap , allowed his ex to abuse you , and now hes planning on financially exploiting you so he can carry out this absurd plan with his son .

You really do deserve better .

The only way i can see is for him to move out and rent somewhere with his son to put his 17 year old back on tract.

Its not going to work , and its one of the most ridiculous things i have ever heard . Parents do not cater to 17 year olds like this , its just not normal . You say you cant see another way but theres several -

He uses the money that hes going to pay on rent to send him to a private rehab centre , OR he can state that while he is taking drugs he will not be having contact with him . Its really that simple . Yes he,ll have to doss on freinds sofas , yes it will be tough for him , but thats exactly whats required here , the lad needs a parent , not a mate whos going to rent a house with him .

The fact hes leaving your home to do this tells me he doesnt consider you a partner im afraid.

Totally agree with Diggs' post above. You sound as if you have devoted heart and soul to this very troubled family for a very long time, and TBH, in your shoes, and with no children of your own, I'm afraid I'd be cutting my losses and looking to start the next chapter of my life without him.

Well, it is looking like you've got taken in by this guy - his integrity looks pretty dodgy to me. I know you're probably idealised by him right now, and that might feel very nice, but I think you should to take notice of how he treats other people - and for starters he openly admits he was repelled by his daugher! That's pretty shocking! It's to be hoped the x-wife wasn't similarly inclined, and that the daughter got some love and attention.

Him moving out might be a positive Op , youll get a break from the constant drama , and in my experience once youve had a break from someone you realise just how hard work they actually are . I genuineley hope that while hes gone you are going to be going out and getting on with your life , instead of catering to everyone elses .

Who owns the house you live in? Who funded it?

Do not put yourself in poverty for now, and years to come.

What is to stop him forcing a sale and making you homeless?

I wholeheartedly second everything diggs has written - and you have indeed taken on a social worker's caseload without access to any of their considerable resources or team support.

I suspect that if you had been fully aware at the outset of the level of dysfunction exhbited by the members of this family including your DP, you would have run a mile.

Unfortunately, it appears that you allowed yourself to be seduced into the role of rescuer by your manipulating DP's flattery and lies.

Either you continue down this primrose path to nervous exhaustion, or you turn around and climb back up the hill to some kind of normality where your life is your own and you are not subjected to unnecessary and unwelcome tantrums and demands.

I suggest you choose the latter as these amateur dramatics can become as insiduously addictive as your need to be perceived as the rock of ages on which your DP can depend.

Some people are gluttons for punishment. I sincerely hope you do not fall into this category as you may find that, having turned yourself inside out and jumped through flaming hoops to bring some sunshine into the lives of others, they dance off into the sunset without a backward glance at the drained and empty shell their benefactor has become.

I suspect that if you start to impose reasonable boundaries on this unacceptable situation it won't be long until your DP finds another sucker to 'understand' him - and you shouldn't be at all surprised if you're the last to know.

"I suspect that if you start to impose reasonable boundaries on this unacceptable situation it won't be long until your DP finds another sucker to 'understand' him - and you shouldn't be at all surprised if you're the last to know."

I think you should read this section that izzywhizzy has written at least a few more times.

I wholeheartedly wish someone had written this for me at one stage on my life.

I am going to channel Solidgoldbrass a little bit here and say - you have no obligation to be in a romantic relationship with your dp to offer support: you can be single, financially independent and a friend only.

Fucking hell, run for the hills. And when you get there, consider some counselling for yourself.
You are not responsible in any way for the trauma these young people have suffered, there father was a useless selfish shit even before you came on the scene. You do not owe them anything and you are not in a good place to help them. They may to an extent blame you for some of their problems (the slut who stole their father, even though you were being lied to by this man about his single status).
More importatnly, you are not a professional and not an expert on troubled young people and drug addiction (at least if you are a social worker you haven't mentioned it). But you may be one of these people who has a sligh.ty unhealthy need to be the rock, the lifesaver, the rescuer and the martyr, and that is neither good for you nor, in the long run for those you try to help.

I think you need to have the strength to walk away, his children are toxic and will never bring you anything but trouble, he is stuck with them, you are not

I think it's the guy who's toxic and trouble with a capital T.

Hi claire did you ever come right in your situation.it all seems so sad for you.believe me only one who experiences this kind of prob will understand your cry n pain.i also in the same situation and i know how you feel as i said only one who is in the same situation will understand.

I highly doubt this will be answered after seven years. Why purposely bring up a zombie thread? Start your own if you’re having similar issues .

Children always come 1st. If you can't understand That, date someone without kids

Unfortunately you seem to only be stating how this affects you! Imagine how the trauma of a child trying to kill themselves, a child suffering sexual abuse, involvement with dangerous drug dealers has effected your DP. If you love him support him in what must be a terrible time for him (I can’t imagine). Or leave because you can’t deal with this being part of this. But don’t try and blame it on him for putting his kids first! This is what any half decent parent would do

Bloody hell just notice this was a zombie thread that’s been reactivated

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD

Poor you, being subjected to their suicide attempts, incest, sexual abuse and drug taking.
How absolutely harrowing for you.
Demand that he never speaks to his own children again.
Ever.
Jeez!