My partner is choosing his children over me?

[clair1804]

Am i being unreasonable?
My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. The problem is that i have got to a stage where i can't do anymore for these kids as it's causing me stress. within a year i have been subjected to the trauma of attempted suicided, incest, sexual abuse, drug taking and dealing with final straw of the daughter becoming pregnant by a local drug dealer. My partner is respectable and i love him to bits. i can see he is at his wits end but i have had to back away and say that i will be there to support him but all these issues are too much for me to contend with. I don't want anything to do with the daughter child, who i feel so sorry for, but i can not be involved with the people his daughter associates with. i do understand that at the end of the day this is my partners grand daughter i would not stop him see her but i don't want to be involved due to any backlash. There mother has got into financial difficulties and is filing for bankruptcy which she has now stated she is moving to the other side of the country. She has her 17 year old son living with her who has a major attitude problem and has been kicked out of college and is getting into the drug scene. My partner is trying to put him on the straight and narrow by renting a property for him to move into whilst i financial have to run our home on my own. I wish we could just run away from all this. i'm now getting to the stage where i am starting to loath his children for all the trouble that keeps coming to our door. We just get over one drama and then there is another. If his son goes to live with him i don't know where that will leave us. could someone give me some advise on how to cope. i do love my partner but in all this is seems that the only attention i would get is if i behave badly. all i want is for us to lead a normal life.

I think you've been treated harshly on here and it sounds like you have been doing an amazing job for some time. No-one who hasn't done it knows how hard it is to keep on giving to kids who aren't your own and who you don't have that unconditional love for.

These are not actually children anymore - constantly running around after them and bailing them out doesn't help. I don't have the answers but it does sound as though you all need some help - practical as well as emotional support.

I don't see anywhere that the OP has said she wants to be more important to her DH than his children are - it sounds to me as though she has done more than most would have and has just reached the end of her tether.

OP - I feel for you. That is horrible situation. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it.

These young adults will probably have serious problems for the foreseeable future.

My DSIL is ~ 40, has some really hard times in recent years, and her parents have been a major support to her. But it is super stressful situation for both parents. All the family are behind her. But that is just one person we are dealing with. I can't imagine the stress if several family members had such issues.

I think your DP should get professional advise on how to handle those many issues, and to provide him some much needed support.

I feel really really sorry for your DP, and for his kids too.
But I think you need to figure out if you can handle this as a longterm situation.

I realie my post above sound harsh, its nor meant to be . OP I agree with glasscompletelybroken,and totally understand you are at the ned of your tether.

I am a step-parent to several adult and almost adult kids, so I know full well the difficulties and normally would say the kids come first every time,
But I do understand how these kind of problems can have an impact on every part of your relationship with your partner.

When my hubby and I disagreed on any parenting issue we agreed that the natural parent would have the final say but that we would always listen to and consider the others opinion. But then it was OK for the step parent to back off if the bio parent decided to ignore advice . Still be there to support when / if it all goes tits up but the only way to do it if one of you needs to remain sane .

I also believe you need some professional advice, maybe from camhs, or impact or any support group.
Good luck OP.

YAVVVVU: Does not matter how old his dc's are they are still his flesh and blood. You have not been on the scene for very long tbh and you have to accept his dc's wether they are perfect or not. As for the gc it is his gc and as part of his life it will also be your gc wether it is by blood or not.
Having said this I wish you luck

Clair I think that if your DP is expecting you to support him while he dedicates himself to his DCs & doesn't support you at all then maybe he will accept that getting professional input about his strategies is a fair condition of this?

That way you aren't telling him what to do or not to do. But you are expecting him not to rush in blindly at everybodies expense, including the kids.

I do think that relate or similar would be a good starting point for you though to find YOUR boundaries, then maybe include DP & maybe the kids might even join in later or start getting help themselves.

I bet posting on the teenagers board could bring some good suggestions about places that he could get advice from. Otherwise he could try statutory agencies like Frank?

OP I feel for you and your situation. YANBU to feel the way you do considering the circumstances. But they are still his children and you will have to either weather the storm or move on. I wish you luck sincerely.

He and his children come as a package, if you can't cope with all of their combinedd family issues then you need to walk away. you wsill never divide the two, his children are a part of him, if you want him you need to take the good with the bad.

I think you are in a pretty horrible situation through no fault of your own, Clair. It wasn't you, after all, who abused these children or turned a blind eye to the abuse they were experiencing. It wasn't you who parented them badly, and it sounds as though they were at least psychologically neglected when growing up.
Mind you, children can have drug problems even when they have grown up with comeptent, loving parents and there are times when natural parents of drug addicts feel obliged to cut the addict off and refuse to enable the addiction further. Because it's not possible to help an addict who is resistant to being helped, even if that addict is your own child. So your impulse to walk away from the whole business doesn't make you a terrible person. Nor are you dreadful if you don't feel any love for people you met as disturbed and out-of-control teenagers - they are not your DC and while you may feel compassion for them, there is no moral obligation on you to sacrifice your life and ambitions (and savings) for them.
Is your DP getting any professional help and advice? Are you getting any yourself? I wonder if part of the problem is that you see your DP is making the wrong decisions about how to help his DC and just expecting you to suck it all up. I think you might do best to get some professional advice and get your DP to do so as well. But if it all seems to be getting steadily worse, you might be best off cutting your losses.

You have to ask yourself what has happened in the past 17 or so years that has led these young people to where they are now, your partner has had some influence surely ?
Has it all gone wrong in the past 4 years, I can't imagine it has ?

I'd run for the hills personally but it's going to be messy

Honestly, in your shoes I would walk.

He absolutely has to put his kids first, they are going to be messed up for a very long time (if not forever). You have to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life trying to clear up after them.

OP I dont think this situation is going to change, not for a long while anyway. you have 2 ways

accept it
leave him

you will not have a normal life, and his kids and their dramas will always trump you

It is a horrible situation, but he came with baggage and he can't just cut it off. If you don't like it I would go.
DC always come first-once you have DCs that is the way it should be. I expect he feels that the mess they are in is his fault so how could he walk away?

Would you want to be with a man prepared to leave his DC in so much distress that they want to be dead and not help? I wouldn't.
I agree there are 2 choices:
accept him
leave him

You are in an awful position, and not of your making. Some of this is your DPs making though, clearly- the past problems, whatever happened, can't be undone. These young people need professional help, though.

Moving in with the son, I agree, is going to be a desaster- it will not change his drug habit in any way. That your DP agrees to exclude you from the father/son unit is giving in to attitude, and will make it worse, not better. The son clearly needs his father, but I do agree that this should happen on your DP conditions, the son is in no position to call the shots. One of my shots would be very serious long term counselling for the son ( try Family Matters- they deal especially with victims of sexual abuse, are a charitable organisation + person can self-refer)

If, however, he is forced into this and does not want help/ be drug free, then whatever your DP does is going to fail.

Difficult. For relatives of Alcoholics, there is AlAnon- I'm not sure if the same exists for Narcotics Anonymus, otherwise it may be worth going to AlAnon for a while, to stop the enabling going on.

(Ex going bankrupt and moving far away may just be the best thing that ever happened to him, them, and you!)

On the subject of finances, I personally think that your DH should still be sharing the bills at home. I understand from the posts that you are bearing the responsibility for bills at home whilst your DH pays rent for the kids etc. I think your DH needs to pay half the bills and then see what financial support he can give to the kids, and it sounds like it will get worse financially when the baby comes.

I think someone said run for the hills .....I think I would too!

I think a lot of people have been very harsh in their responses. I also disagree with the idea that the kids should always come first. It's a mistake in my opinion. There is a big difference between supporting your children to the exclusion of everything else, and abandoning them completely. The balance should fall somewhere inbetween and in order for parents to support children effectively the marriage should be nourished so it can stay strong first, IMO.

Also as children are older what they need is to be given the ability to manage on their own and come to terms with the issues affecting them themselves. Things like sexual abuse stay with you for life and what is needed is effective coping strategies - the best thing your DH can do is get the children professional counselling. You both also perhaps need some counselling. You have a right to more support.

YABU

As soon as you bring a DC into the world, they come first. If you meet a partner afterwards they should take this into account. You can't just walk away and let a professional counsellor deal with it. People with DCs haven't the luxury of being a 'free agent'.

Exoticfruits: but sometimes the professional advice, when dealing with an addict, is for the family/friends/partner to walk away if the addict is refusing intervention and continuing to take drugs/alcohol. It's a basic of dealing with family and friends of addicts - that they didn't cause the addiction, cannot cure it and cannot control it. People sometimes cut off addicted teens/young adults for the sake of younger children in the family or indeed for their own sanity.
It's also possible that the OP is taking a look at her partner in the light of his DCs major issues and realising that he is not, perhaps, as good a human being as she had previously considered.

OP. I can't imagine what this situation must be like and so can't really comment except to say that you are not unreasonable to want some consideration from your DP. I am amazed at how many posters think you are owed nothing. Frankly, I don't know how you have managed to stick in this 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' position for so long. I'd have been out of there like greased weasel shit. I really hope you find a way through it all.

OP - sounds a horrible situation for you all. Is there someone outside of the immediate family situation who can give an onlooker's perspective and mediate?

I think a previous poster's suggestion of relate might be a good idea.

I'm sure you don't really want your OH to choose between his children and you. As his children have had so many issues in their younger years, it would be a tragedy and injustice if he abandoned them now.

And I hope you can find it in your heart to welcome your OH's grandchild into your family when he/she is born.

Your OH moving in with his son to get him of drugs doesn't stand much chance of success, imho. Could your OH/you talk to Frank for advise?

There is an awful lot of baggage in this family, but it sounds as though you love your OH and want to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. I think it was the same poster who recommended relate who also suggested that you talk to your OH about some expectations in relation to your own relationship. Time spent alone with no family talk. Some appreciation from each of you about what the other is going through emotionally. And a fair agreement in terms of the financial balance in your relationship.

You sound resentful of his children, his financial situation and his priorities. And you sound lonely and at the end of your tether. Is there a step-parent support group that you could look into? Might help you off-load your frustrations or find some tips on either the problems your SC are going through or simply mechanisms to help you cope mentally with the drama that you have found yourself part of.

Good luck

Some of these replys are a bit harsh . These arent small children , they are adults who are capable of making choices and accessing services for help . There really does come a point , even with natural adult children , that enoughs enough , they have to get help and deal with stuff , its not ok to constantly dump onto parents , and i say this with having had the misfortune to have a older teen who got into drugs . They will not listen , they will not stop , and in the end the only thing to say is " Look , if your going to take drugs , your not doing it around us , i dont have to accept it , move out " and mean it .

This renting a place to monitor him for drug use is ridiculous , it will not work , its unfair on you and its rewarding him . You do not reward drug addicts , you do not feed the drama , but you do let them feel the weight of their actions. This would be a deal breaker for me if my H had done this , how the fuck is he going to monitor him ? Is he going to give up his job ? It sounds like to some extent he enjoys being the martyr to his son . Why doesnt he put him in rehab ?

I would refuse to be around either of these 2 drug taking young adults , even if they were my own .

I mean this kindly Clair , but you strike me as a " rescuer " . All your post talk of how much help youve given them , how supportive youve been , how you advise and listen , and what else you can do to help this poor man who cannot set limits with his kids . Never mind what you are giving , what have you been getting ? What about your needs , does he even acknowledge them or is he too busy letting his kids ride roughshod over you while his ex verbally abuses you ?

To a large extent he sounds like a child , clinging to you for emotional support , when actually , he is a willing player in this game . Perhaps if was having to deal with them on his own , he would set some limits if he didnt have you to unburden himself on . Yes theyve had a horrible time , it shouldnt have happened , but there does reach a stage where they have to deal with it and get help . You have to emotionally detatch from drug users because while they are using they are no longer your son or daughter .

All parents should support their kids , no matter the age and no matter what , but being a martyr to them helps no one .

I think you need to walk away. You will only cause more stress for him by staying as it's obviously becoming a source of resentment for you.

Why are people saying he 'doesn't deserve you'.

He's doing the right thing by sticking by his kids. A three year relationship is a very short time to be in a relationship.

You're not a mug but this is just life.

OP -- They are not your children, you and DP aren't married, you have not made any lifelong commitment to any of them. You are not a terrible person to walk away.

People have left three-year relationships for so much less!

FWIW I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, lots of drama, very OTT. I left when I was 17 and never really looked back. I love my family dearly, we have decent relationships now, but I had to get out and it was by far the best decision I ever made.

It's very easy for people to say you should stick by your man and all that, but there's a big difference between a bumpy relationship or even an occasional dramatic situation and a constant, never-ending stream of drama and traumatic events.

I do think these kids have been failed massively by lots of people. Especially if there has been sexual abuse and incest, if they did not get help for it, you can't really blame them for being off the rails now.

But you are not to blame for any of that. If you want a happy life again, I'm afraid you will have to leave them to it, and that's an entirely rational thing to do.

If these kids have been abused then they are traumatised and need a lot of help and support.

Your partner has got to do whatever he's got to do.

Let him get on with it - and step aside if it's all too much.