My partner is choosing his children over me?

[clair1804]

Am i being unreasonable?
My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. The problem is that i have got to a stage where i can't do anymore for these kids as it's causing me stress. within a year i have been subjected to the trauma of attempted suicided, incest, sexual abuse, drug taking and dealing with final straw of the daughter becoming pregnant by a local drug dealer. My partner is respectable and i love him to bits. i can see he is at his wits end but i have had to back away and say that i will be there to support him but all these issues are too much for me to contend with. I don't want anything to do with the daughter child, who i feel so sorry for, but i can not be involved with the people his daughter associates with. i do understand that at the end of the day this is my partners grand daughter i would not stop him see her but i don't want to be involved due to any backlash. There mother has got into financial difficulties and is filing for bankruptcy which she has now stated she is moving to the other side of the country. She has her 17 year old son living with her who has a major attitude problem and has been kicked out of college and is getting into the drug scene. My partner is trying to put him on the straight and narrow by renting a property for him to move into whilst i financial have to run our home on my own. I wish we could just run away from all this. i'm now getting to the stage where i am starting to loath his children for all the trouble that keeps coming to our door. We just get over one drama and then there is another. If his son goes to live with him i don't know where that will leave us. could someone give me some advise on how to cope. i do love my partner but in all this is seems that the only attention i would get is if i behave badly. all i want is for us to lead a normal life.

tbh if you've only been with him for 3 years I'd be inclined to cut my losses esp. if your dp tends not to act on your advice re: his dcs.

just imagine how stress free your life would be single.

YABVU - when you take on a partner with kids you take on their kids too... and their mums, dads etc. Of course he should choose his kids over you - you've been with him for 3 years, he's known them since their births! Oh, and he's their dad! If you love him, you will support him and find a way to cope between you. Turning your back on his family is like turning your back on him.

Thornykate - in answer to your question. the traumatic effect was trying to help and then finding out that abuse was at the bottom. how do you advise a parent who constantly blames themselves for not seeing the signs. If a person has already been accused of blaming someone for rape only to find out they are lieing and then 4 years later say that their brother has abused them. how do you get to the bottom of the problem and find out if they are telling the truth how do you get a parent to see that both siblings need help but no one will tackle the problem. How do you not do anything to help.....

So because his children are difficult and his ex is a bitch you wonder whether to walk away or not? Sounds like he'd be better off without you tbh.
Your OP sounds very selfish and self obsessed. His child attempts to commit suicide and your concern is...you!?

If you love him, support him and be less self obsessed. He must be really struggling. Poor sod.

Clair - I think some of these replies are harsh and you might get a better response in relationships.

I'm not in your situation but I do have some similar issues in my family and know how incredibly stressful it can be. So much so that it makes you ill trying to help.

You have a real dilemma here - you could walk away. You're clearly not the type of person to just switch off emotionally to what's happening.

To me there is a limit to how long you can keep supporting. You need to make sure you are ok.

clair1804 I totally understand how stressful you are finding all this.

I have been with DP for nearly 10 years, always accepted that his children come first, have been fortunate enough to have built a good relationship with his XW and also her new DP. Recently, things have gone shit shaped, the elder of the two kids is with us permanently, lots of problems with him and also lots of other unrelated problems.

All I wanted to do was run away for my own sanity, but I just can't.

Things were coming to a head, I was seriously considering leaving them all to it because I felt so ignored, sidelined and unappreciated. A v long chat with DP, he finally 'got' that I need a little bit of him too and he has made some time for us this weekend, just a couple of hours here and there, not all weekend. I feel stronger and more energized to deal with all the next few months will throw at us.

I think you should jump ship asap. That situation is never going to change, they sound very needy and, well, rough, for want of a better word.

NorthernGobshite - So what do you do if you partner is sitting crying stating he was to blame. He has already had a nervous breakdown before i met him due to his family. Do you think i would be on here asking for advise from people who have experienced this kind of situation. If i was SELFISH AND SELF OBSESSED why would i be asking and not be totally heartless by walking out and thinking of just myself. How do you leave someone who's a wonderful person knowing that he can't do this on his own but i have to be strong. So How do you do it......

Maybe you should book an appointment alone with Relate, their counsellors are trained to help with family relationships not just couples. Maybe your DP might join you later?

No matter how much you or DP try & 'fix' the kids problems you can't.

But that doesn't mean that it has to be all (where you are trying to get to the bottom of reasons behind suicide attempts, abuse etc in a way that a therapist would) or nothing (where you leave DP).

Maybe you need to find a medium ground & so does your DP. Get professional help with this. In the meantime keep a bit of something back for yourself, set boundaries such as 'you' time & couples time when you aren't talking about the kids otherwise more resentment will build up.

I agree that although it is a PITA sometimes it is a sign that he is a decent dad. Good luck OP.

'She has her 17 year old son living with her who has a major attitude problem and has been kicked out of college and is getting into the drug scene. My partner is trying to put him on the straight and narrow by renting a property for him to move into whilst i financial have to run our home on my own.'

Bit of a parenting fail there, kid is into drugs so reward and enable him by paying for a property for him to live in?

Ridiculous, if he is this indulgent, soft and clueless then I'm not suprised you're pissed off.

I think you made a poor choice of thread title if you want help and support rather than lots of people coming on to tell you YABU.

clair- i am sorry that you are in the middle of all of this- it sounds terribly hard on both you and dh and indeed these adult children.

i cannot claim to have gone through any of this but i really think, in your shoes i would take some time out to think about what you want from life.

you are 3 years in- in normal circs, these nearly grown up kids would be off your hands- going to uni, getting jobs, getting on with their lives and this would give you the chance to have the life you want with dh.

but this isnt how it has turned out. the way you describe it, it seems unlikely to change any time soon.

yanbu to think about the life you want (where do you want to be in 5 years) and make a plan to get there.

if you are asking for permission to do it- you have permission!

All I can suggest clair1804 is that you keep talking to your DP. My situation has not got anywhere as bad as yours so I can't really advise, I have been on here myself asking for help!

All I can say is that you will never, ever, ever be more important than your DP's children are to him. If you can't accept that, then maybe you should leave.

But if you love them all you have to find some way of keeping your sanity while you live with all this, whether that is an exercise class, some councelling (joint or individual), a hobby, whatever. I have yet to find the solution for me!

I couldn't cope with it, and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. It's not the way I want to live my life. I know he doesn't want to live like that, but he and his ex-wife together have to take responsibility for their family.

DontGoCurly - my partner will be moving in with him and restricting his movements to avoid him mixing with the wrong people. His son is fighting against everyone and "doesn't want to be told what to do". His parenting skills aren't good but he is trying. Unfortunately i always get told that i don't have children and therefore i don't understand. but i do have a close supportive family and i would do anything to protect them...just as a parent would do. A lot of people on here don't understand that when we bought the house 2 years ago that was due to the finance i put into it and that i also supplied most of the contents which some are very sentimental. My partner lost everything when he got divorced because of debt his ex had. He even took a loan out to ensure that his children didn't lose their house again because his ex got into financial trouble again. The children have lost their way but it's their parents they want not me but i do need advise on how to help everyway i can without it eventually taking a toll on my health.

hate to be negtive when your DP is obviously trying v hard but moving in with someone to restrict their movements just doesn't work. I strongly suggest you both get some outside advice to save you trying things that are going to just burn you both out & not really help the kids.

Wow clair you are in a difficult position.

I understand where you are coming from. That is a hellish life to live where you are stuck dealing with all these people's shit and problems and then getting abuse hurled on top when you are doing your best to help.

It's not right and it's not fair but that is the way it is. Teens and young adults (I know not all of them) can be evil towards their parents and completely selfish and these haven't had the best start.

Unfortunately his children are still relatively young and with help they could come out the other side as resonably sorted adults so yes he should pick them over you.

If you feel that you cannot take this treatment there is no shame in walking away. You may have signed up for a man with children but not this level of abuse and trouble.

If he is moving out and living with his son to control his son you are not going to see him often if ever for ages. His son could be a drug addict for the next 5/10/15 years. Perhaps you need to sort out the finances and house so you are both seperate again and then just be friends for now.

It is unfair for you to be subjected to this but it is unfair and wrong for you to expect him not to pick his children right now.

Sorry

Thornykate - thanks. do you have any ideas. i personally don't think it will work but if i suggest this i will be blamed if he doesn't try. I have pushed him to speak to parentline as his son says he doesn't want to move to our village. i don't want my partner to do anything forceful as i keep reminding him he is 17 and legally he could leave home if he choice. I don't want him to lose his temper and turn his back on him or forcefully makes him live with him.

"within a year i have been subjected to the trauma of attempted suicided, incest, sexual abuse, drug taking and dealing with final straw of the daughter becoming pregnant by a local drug dealer"

No, within a year his children have dealt with these traumas. It's not all about you. You may have helped everyone, but the trauma was never yours. You do sound incredibly selfish.

Why do you think these children have all turned out like this? Something went wrong along the way with the parenting, surely. The best thing is for your DP and his ex wife to do everything they can to support the children. If you're not prepared to go along with that, then everyone is better off if you leave him.

clair having been through some heavy stuff with dh's family, including a suicide, I supported him, loved him, looked after him and did not think about leaving him. If you love him, be there for him. He doesn't have to follow your advice.

Clair - are you reluctant to have the adult children in your home because you believe they will violate it in some way? By stealing or destroying some of your treasured possessions?

It sounds like the youngest son is involved with drugs directly and the daughter is associated with drugs indirectly, is she also using at all? What is the 22 year old up to, is he OK?

Your DP wanting to help his 17 yr old is the right thing to do. But why has he rented another property to do this ?

Because the son wants his dad to himself...

Then you are setting him up to fail .

The son is NOT in a position to call the shots here. If he wants help to get clean he should do it in a way that is offered, not in a way he wants iykwim.

Why can he not come into your home, learn how a normal family lives, learn from his father expected behaviours , accepted behaviours. Yours and your DPs home so he would live by yours and your DPs rules.That's the way "normality" is surely.
Its understandable he will want some one to one with his dad, but this should be given on dads terms not the sons.

Drug takers are the most selfish of people with no regard for others and the needs of others... The first lesson he needs to learn is he does not call the shots, that would test his willingness to want to change .

You are in a disturbed and difficult family situation , you entered into this chaotic family late, but it was 4 years ago , the children were much younger then, so these behaviours have developed over time, not all of a sudden. Yes its hard work and resentment is a nasty emotion but if you can put your energies into supporting your partner and encouraging him to "man up" and stop being soft you may just be able to get somewhere, at least with the 17 yr old. Boundaries need to be set, rules adhered to and active listening learnt and practiced .

You cannot distance yourself from the grandchild either, that would b unfair and cruel... You can again here dictate that you dont want her friends around but accepting your grandchild does not mean you accept the company she chooses to keep does it.

Its hard , for sure. but life is shit sometimes. How we deal with it is what makes us the people we are, I am sure you want to do whats best for everyone. Sometimes that means making choices that are not so nice but give the right result for all

I think Northern has a point that your DP doesn't have to follow your advice but he should listen to it and consider it as it your are being directly affected by what is going on.

I am battling to be heard by both DSS's parents wearing their rose tinted spectacles, I may be wrong about some opinions I have but they won't accept facts I know and they know.