My partner is choosing his children over me?

[clair1804]

Am i being unreasonable?
My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. The problem is that i have got to a stage where i can't do anymore for these kids as it's causing me stress. within a year i have been subjected to the trauma of attempted suicided, incest, sexual abuse, drug taking and dealing with final straw of the daughter becoming pregnant by a local drug dealer. My partner is respectable and i love him to bits. i can see he is at his wits end but i have had to back away and say that i will be there to support him but all these issues are too much for me to contend with. I don't want anything to do with the daughter child, who i feel so sorry for, but i can not be involved with the people his daughter associates with. i do understand that at the end of the day this is my partners grand daughter i would not stop him see her but i don't want to be involved due to any backlash. There mother has got into financial difficulties and is filing for bankruptcy which she has now stated she is moving to the other side of the country. She has her 17 year old son living with her who has a major attitude problem and has been kicked out of college and is getting into the drug scene. My partner is trying to put him on the straight and narrow by renting a property for him to move into whilst i financial have to run our home on my own. I wish we could just run away from all this. i'm now getting to the stage where i am starting to loath his children for all the trouble that keeps coming to our door. We just get over one drama and then there is another. If his son goes to live with him i don't know where that will leave us. could someone give me some advise on how to cope. i do love my partner but in all this is seems that the only attention i would get is if i behave badly. all i want is for us to lead a normal life.

Those poor kids - it sounds like they have had a terrible time

Its really not surprising that the have turned to drugs given the traumas they have endured.

Have they had any sort of professional counselling?

Your DP is not choosing his children over you - he is being a father to his children.

...Saying he's choosing them over you is underplaying it a bit.

I think this all sounds very difficult for you and I can understand you feeling as you but in all honesty he sounds like a very good Dad and I applaud him for that.

Maybe the answer is to walk away if it is drug problem-but not unless he has explored all avenues and got outside help first- and not through pressure from a partner who doesn't have the same emotional involvement.

I actually do not see any evidence of him choosing his kids over you (and I actually do not think he should be putting the kids 'first' given their ages). That said you cannot expect him to shake his kids out of his life. Since you are so unhappy about the situation may I suggest you talk about what is appropriate under the circ and what boundaries he/they need to respect. If you cannot find a workable compromise - think about moving on with your life.

Rightly or wrongly, these are his kids. Would you really respect and want to be with a man who is happy to close them out completely? Especially when they seem to always get into trouble? Do you want that person as a partner in your life??

I am also in a relationship with older kids/adults from previous marriage (none of my own yet), so I appreciate how much you may want to have the opportunity to start from scratch with him. But it is just not possible.

I think it sounds like you've been doing your best, and to be honest my feeling would actually be that you've been too involved; whoever said you sounded like a 'rescuer' may have a good point.

I think if they were small children it would be different, but as they're adults (or nearly) you really should be thinking more about putting boundaries in place, whereby it becomes more about trying to find strategies to support your partner, but backing off yourself as regards the children.

Would your partner be up for getting counselling? That could help him a great deal, which would in turn take some pressure off you. Yes, these young people have clearly been through a lot, but it is their parents' job to assist them, not yours. I believe some people are being very harsh here.

A few people on here think i'm selfish as i want him to put the children before me but i've not told the whole story. What everyone doesn't realise is that i did understand he had children and knew what his responsiblities were. I made excuses for the way they behaved as in the early stages i found out that he was still seeing his ex and she seriously thought he would come back to her. i did ask in the early stages if he was still involved with his ex and if so i would stay clear. He denied this and his children must have seen him going back and forth to their mother so when i came along i was the barrier. They also saw their mother screaming and shouting about how bad he was.

When his daughter was young he couldn't even bear he being near him. This would have had a terrible effect on a young child knowing that her dad didn't want her as he was all his sons. She would lie and steal to get attention. Then at 14 she accuses someone falsely of rape but the police drop the charges when they found messages on her phone. Since then she has gone through boys at an alarming rate.

When i first got together with my partner i could see that there was no bounderies or consequences of actions with his children. They had no guidance or role models. I suppose being from a loving, morally strong supportive family i thought i would try and do the right thing and help were i could. Since we have been together his daughter has been having pregnancey tests roughly every 6 months and this was were she had confided in me because she was too frighted to tell her mother. How much in the middle did i feel but i supported her and tried to be practical. i then had to find a way to let her father as i felt that she was crying out for help because she seriously wanted a baby. Not one person in my partners family was listening to me saying that there was a bigger picture and she needed counselling. when she took an overdose she let it known that her brother used to abuse her. I still don't know the fully details but yet again i was the only one who saw the jigsaw coming together and explaining why she was acting as she did. However, everyone turned against her initially saying she was lieing. i was the only one who had major doubts.

When i said it was traumatic and everyone thinks that i'm being selfish about my feeling what they don't realise is that i was the one who believed her and didn't know which way to turn to resolve the problem. The trauma was feeling her pain and not being able to take it away. I even asked my partner to go to the family doctor to ask for advice. i didn't know which way to turn and i nearly had a breakdown due my frustration of not being able to help.

My partners eldest son has never admitted what happened between him and his sister. We then discovered that the eldest son was sexually abused by someone the family knew when he was 12/14. This vile man got him into alcohol and drugs for "favours". i advised by partner that this needed bringing to the authorities attention due to other potential victims. Unfortunately the case never went to court as the man died in custody. From an early age the eldest son was smoking dope in their mothers house on a regular basis and therefore the youngest son was subjected to this and also took part. I remember the mother allowing the young son at 14 to smoke in the house.

There is alot of anger with the boys and would put fist through doors and even the youngest has burned furniture in his mothers house. the youngest son has now got into a bad crowd and what everyone doesn't know it that he is hanging around at his aunts house where his cousins are into dope and the eldest cousin has just come out of prision for drugs. This family is the ex wife's so it's not just friends he is getting involved with.

I'm getting a bit annoyed at some of the comments where they think i'm asking my partner to choose his children over me. I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself just demanding his attention. All the way along i have been trying to do the moral thing to bring these children . What i'm turning around now and saying that i'm not accepting this behaviour and at christmas his mother locked me in the house because i didn't want to have an arguement. they had all drunk too much and i knew it would get out of control. I had to physically climb a 6 foot wall to get away from their rants. There has been no discipline and dear i say it but they have not been shown what i call real love.

I have tried counselling with my partner. the counselor agreed that this situation is so so unusual and that the kid need help. She told nothing more than i already knew but the only problem is that advise of counselling for the kids has never been take up. They all need it.

My partner says that i'm incredible and has never met anyone like me. He says that i bring peace into his life and that's what he loves about me. I'm i doer and not just someone who sits on the sideline unlike everyone around me who just talks about it and does nothing.

As you can see i am now losing the man i love because of the problems that have never been resolved before i came along. I know this is a wrong emotion to have and i am fighting that terrible feeling but i am being honest and need help in how to deal with this. its such a shame that these people have not had the experience of a loving family up bring i don't know what else i can do to support the man i love and keep strong.

It's a VERY chaotic and troubled family that you've got involved with.

I'm trying to work out your partner - why didn't he want his daughter near him when she was a child?

He seems to idealise you - is that right?

As with Animation, I'm struggling to understand why he didn't want his daughter near him as a child.

OP, it seems as if you're trying to right wrongs that he has perpetrated. If he wasn't a good father, why not? And isn't it up to him to correct that now, not you? Your relationship with him is a separate thing; and you don't have to be a saint just because you're a step-parent.

I've no idea why he was repelled at his daughter. I think that he feels an enormous amount of guilt. I was once told by a friend of the ex wife that one of the children wasn't his but i think this was just vicious rumour. You couldn't make this situation up. The problem with my partner is that he doesn't show his emotions. not even to me. He thinks that kids are like this and that i'm "the golden child" as he calls it. I'm just normal person who has family problems on my side but we deal with them and resolve them as a family just like all the people around us we know.

My partners biggest problem is his ability to bury his head in the sand. The only trouble is that its all coming back twice fold.

I think you are bloody amazing Hun, whether they are your partners children or not no one should be subjected to all the shit you are putting up with, no way, i understand you have to accept his children but not there behavior and to be fare there not bloody kids anymore....at that age they are completely responsible for there own actions and more than aware ov what they are doing, i hate that people make excuses for this kind off thing, its ridiculous, i bet you and your poor other half are at your wits end, witch must put your relationship under a massive strain, and more to the point you!!! i understand you love your partner but surely he must have come to a point were he is saying enough is enough..... a parent myself its not that i would ever turn my back on my children but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and letting them get on with it and make there own mistakes,,, its called life... i think you should defo take a back seat and even get away from it all for abit to really consider just how much more you can take, sorry for being so honest, i really do feel for you and hope it gets better, good luck sweatheart, x

Uh. It sounds like actually his biggest problem is that he neglected his children, especially his daughter, and that it's all coming back to bite him in the arse. Not sure what you can do about it, but I personally wouldn't be with someone who treated one of his children with repulsion so luckily don't need to consider it.

I don't think i can turn around and say he was a bad father as it is both parents who take some form of responsibility. Both parents were too involved in their own requirement rather than more attention to the children. Being that who the children have associated with also has some bearing. The problem being with both of them thought they were doing the right thing as no one gave them the book. With things i have seen and heard i feel that i'm the only one who is acting as a responsible parent. There would be nothing i haven't that i wouldn't have done if they were my own. I have even admitted to my partner that i wished the children had been ours and had better influences in their lives.

Do you want to know why he was repelled at his daughter?

Did he treat her badly and neglectfully?

But it sounds to me as if you are the one who has to choose. I can't see that he has any choice.

Clair , it all sounds terribly sad for these kids .

The thing is , this didnt happen overnight , it will have been a gradual decline into this sort of behaviour and your P has played a major part in not enforcing rules and boundrys , it sounds like he has been a very very poor father in the past and isnt much better now .

The entire family sound dysfunctional , including aunts and cousins and all this normality with kids drug taking . To someone like you , this is quite shocking , but it sounds as though this is normal and a life style choice within their family . No amount of you listening and supporting or advising is going to change this any time soon . He has very differant standards and boundrys to you , and i dont think this is going to change , or it would have done by now .

I note again your talking about supporting him , what about some support for you ? Who supports you in the midst of all this toxicity where you are being locked in the house and ranted at ? What did your P actually do about this ? He sounds activeley passive when all this is going on .

Im a bit concerned to hear he was still seeing his wife and that he was lying to you . Im also a bit concerned as to the reasons he gives for thinking your incredible , because those are the precise things that are benefiting him directly . It might sound harsh , but his family is in a mess , and instead of laying down some boundrys he does very little but crys to you about it . Its not good enough , hes the adult in this situation and needs to take responsibility and to protect you from any hostility .

The kids have no boundrys , and it doesnt sound like he does either , lying you you , cheating on you , allowing you to be verbally abused , and refusing to set limits , and not being around his daughter when she was small . Why was that ?

You sound a nice person , almost too nice because im fairly certain if you were to split he would not have women banging his door down desperate to be part of this. Think about what hes getting out of this situation , and what your getting out of it . He has somebody to constantly offload to while he does nothing , someone to emotionally support his kids and be theyre confidente because hes not doing his job properly , somebody to worry for him and take off the pressure with all these various problems that hes whinging about but not actually doing anything about . A normal adult does not usually need this level of emotional support . I would also be worried about his capacity to lie and cheat .

I dont know how old you are , or if youve got kids of your own , but life is too short to be a counseller to another adult . Sure we all need a hand hold occasionally , but i simply could not cope with living with this level of negativity , and especially not with a man who is doing nothing about it . Your P , along with his wife , has been a neglectfull parent in the past , and is likeley to continue in the same way.

What Wibbly said.

I'm sorry, but your DP sounds like a terrible, terrible father.

I think it's great you are trying to help where you can, especially with DD, but I don't understand why you love this man or why you are willing to put yourself through all this.

I don't know why he was repelled. They couldn't be in the same room together as she would wind him up. I think that is why is going over board now to right all the wrongs. I think that he see this grandchild and a second chance. I would rather us bring it up rather than see history repeat itself. Saying that it may be the making of her.

With things i have seen and heard i feel that i'm the only one who is acting as a responsible parent.

Theres two problems with this , firstly , if they were very young , you could probably step into that role , but they are young adults now and its highly likeley they will ever see you like that , a fact backed up by what you say about one of them being particularly difficult towards you . They probabaly see you as dads girlfreind , and if they were aware he was cheating with you this too will have had an influence on their attitude towards you .

Secondly , it does seem as though your the only one acting as a parent , and thats not on . Even in standard families this is often a dealbreaker for many people , because its selfish , lazy and very very unfair to the partner who has to carry all the weight of the responsibility .

I dont think your being treated very niceley here , and id say the same if these were your natural children.

"A normal adult does not usually need this level of emotional support. I would also be worried about his capacity to lie and cheat."

He strikes me as someone who feeds off your empathic nature.

Are you mistaking his self-pity for guilt because he doesn't appear to be making amends and taking responsibility.

I am 47 years old with no children but a great lover of animals. I'm not maternal but i know if i did have children i would be bringing them up in a loving relationship with plenty of guidance, morals and encouragement. Basically the same as i have been raised. Families are important and i am fortunate to have one of the best.

He is not a bad man just misguided. He is from a generally normal family. Although i have had a runnin with his mum, i can say they are quite respectable although she interferes. His dad is lovely but is not allowed to voice his opinion and most the time he agrees with me.

I think with what i have seen and heard his ex wife was treated unfairly with her family and has therefore given her children everything they wanted. Christmas at their house was masses of expensive presents which they could ill afford. This may be the reason for the financial difficulties. But at some point he must have seen this. She is a very dominate women who likes her own way so i presume she was very persistent.

From you later posts I would say that their father was a massive part of their problems!

Can you imagine your dad going back and forth, leaving, coming back, leaving coming back and then getting another woman? They may well have seen their mum screaming and shouting that may be wrong but can you really blame her if he was still sleeping with her and stringing her along?

He was repulsed by is daughter but not not his sons? No wonder she is completely screwed up poor girl!

I have no idea how or why you have stayed. Why would he lie and cheat on someone he considers incredible? Why would he allow people to be abusive to you?

He has you really nicely where he wants. House sitting and paying the bills while he plays at being a father when he is a really crap one and then he can waltz back off to you when he feels like it.

Guy has it made.

Clair , with respect , are you prone to rescuing people ? The whole thing sounds like a social workers case load , not a relationship .

I note you keep referring to Us and We , but it sounds like your P refers to I and Me . He is happy to offload on you , to have you support his kids who disrespect you , to whinge about how stressed he is , and for you to support him , but yet he does not take on board your suggestions , nor does he take your concerns seriously . What did he do when you told him about the various pregnancy tests ?

How do you feel about the fact that you are good enough to whinge to , offload onto , but none of your concerns are taken seriously ? This guy is not a team player , he wasnt when he was married and he isnt now . This isnt going to change i dont think .

If i were you , i think i would call it quits , but if you are insistant on keeping at it i would set some firm limits. I would refuse to discuss it or listen to any more self induldgent whinging . I would also take a very large step back from these kids too , because even when you raise concerns they are ignored and its simply not fair for you to keep having this toxicity dumped into your lap.

Could the ex wife bear to be in the same room as their daughter or was she repelled as well?

I would like to thank everyone personally for there thoughts. I have offered to off load his financial responsiblities in order for him to be the dad he wants to be. The only way i can see is for him to move out and rent somewhere with his son to put his 17 year old back on tract. The fact that i have refused to have it under my roof due my inability to put up with the behaviour. I'm no saint but i believe he needs to be given the chance to turn it around. It's because i'm putting my foot down that i'm getting the grief. i am sad that he will be moving out but i have also stated that he must stay away and sort his problem outs. I can't be the emotional crutch anymore. I am a strong person but not being a parent i want to question if i was giving all possibilities a chance before things came to this situation..