AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

i had an argument at 12-30am - 2am this morning with DS over time on the computer. his tv/monitor is now down my mums and new rules have been set on bedtime. he had plans to go out with mates tomorrow with money i was giving him, which i have now put a stop to. once he learns to stick to the bedtime/PC rules, he will get the tv back. as soon as he breaks them without permission the tv gets taken away again. bedroom is to remain tidy too and showers kept up

Maryz I told her she had until Monday night to clean her room or I would do it for her and would bin anything I wished to. I also told her if that happened there would be big changes.

I told her a while ago that I would remove everything apart from the bare essentials until she could look after her things.

She said I couldnt do that as it was against her human rights

She thinks Ive forgotten!

The difference this time is Im not prepared to give empty threats, or more importantly the chance for a quick fix. DH used to say she could only go out if her room was done. She would shove out of sight rather than clean, as I found out today!

To give her a bit of credit she has just made her bed

Don't say I didn't warn you, Voldy! If she tries that one again, just tell her that her room was not fit for human habitation, therefore she is not human and she has no rights.

the un declaration on rights of a child doesn't include the right to own property of any kind!

Maryz, will you share your list? I could do with some smart answers :)

Voldy, I hope you pointed out that enslavement of another human being is against your human rights and as such she is in big trouble under the Geneva Convention :o

A man I know took the doors off his daughters bedrooms when they were younger and wouldn't put them back until the mess was sorted. He says it worked. No privacy and anyone who went upstairs could see the mess.

You absolutely cannot tell her she stinks or feed her from a dog bowl or let her sleep without sheets.

But if she's not looking after things, especially expensive things then you do have to get tough. I wouldn't take all her things away but perhaps only let her use her laptop and phone downstairs in the living room (something which my 15 year old neice would explode over) until she learns to take care of them properly etc.

And the usual no pocket money until she has done her washing (or at least until she has put it all in the wash basket etc) or whatever.

otoh, children do have a right to privacy.

YANBU if you don't do something how else will she learn? you must follow through but make sure she has a way to earn it all back

I have been told that its better to offer rewards than threats, so maybe once the room is cleared, move more to rewards and away from punishments if possible

I would be inclined to tell her if she acts like a baby you will have to treat her like a baby (taking other people's stuff, taking no care of her self or her stuff)

plus def introduce evening shower regime, 100% less stress

good luck

I apoapologise as I've not read the whole thread but I just had to tell you about what my mum did to me at 14. My room was not quite as bad as your DD op but she had warned me and warned me that if I didn't sort it she would put it all on bin bags and chuck it out. I came home one afternoon and this is exactly what she had done. All my stuff was in bin bags on the patio and it was raining. I NEVER let my room get in a state again and although I was v pissed off at the time I did have increased respect for my mum after that.

I would love that list too Maryz. Responsibilities so often get forgotten nowadays!

Sounds like she is in for a shock tomorrow Voldemort Good on you for sticking to things.

From what my layman's brain remembers:

A child has the right to be safe Well she is much safer sleeping in a bedroom rather than a toxic waste dump

A child has the right to be warm Two sets of clothes, uniform and pyjamas is quiet adiquate and dispite other peoples recomendations, she has plenty of clean bedding

A child has the right to be fed There are other rooms in this house she can eat pot noodles and she is certainly not sharing the bowl with the dog

A child has a right to education Her school books are the one thing that has been left in her room and she can actually find them now.

Any others? I didnt read the small print is there one about a child has the right to an ipod/internet

Thank you for that Maryz - it makes very interesting reading and I shall be stealing adopting it from you.

Another thief here ... oh, I love this thread. It is my first ever "watch" on MN. [csmile]

Also like the lists and the UN statement....

It all comes down to rights and responsibilities.

Our DCs have the right to their own space and belongings
but the responsibility to look after them and respect the same right in others.

bumping

Can't wait to hear what happens when the TV iPod etc goes tomorrow.

Making copious notes too. DS is 4 and DD is 16 months bit I will be ready for Teenager-dom now :)

Yes, my DS is in trouble when he becomes a teen in a decade. I'm ready! [csmile]

I had this issue with my 16 year old foster daughter. Very rarely showered, only ever washed clothes when she ran out, used her floor as a wardrobe and her room stunk becuase of all the dirty washing that stunk of BO.

Never mind all the namby-pamby's on here going on about depression and the like. Teenagers need a good proverbial boot up the arse at times.

When her room stunk - I took her clothes and dumped them in a pile in the garden - got rid of the smell of BO and soon got her running into the garden and to the washing machine.

Anything left on the floor or under the bed got put in a bin liner and confiscated for 2 weeks, including phone charger, bus pass, underwear, Xbox control and coats.

House rule, that she had to have a shower every other day and was not allowed out until she had done so.

Any plates or cups left dirty on the bedroom meant a £1 fine.

Took her about 2 months to get the message and what a difference. Not as spotless as the rest of the house, but the room doesn't smell anymore, nothing left on the floor and is cleaned every Thursday afternoon. She showers now without me having to tell her she stinks.

Beoing a responsible and loving parent is not about being a namby-pamby with teenagers - they have to learn life skills and parents are there to do that.

Voldemort - respect! Please keep us updated. My DD has done the dirty and clean clothes in the same drawer. Not knicks with STs, but dirty knicks in with clean ones (bleugh).

Maryz - thanks for those responsibilities. I can't wait to use them on mine, although mine haven't really mentioned their Human Rights. They made very interesting reading.

Am waiting to do something with DD's room - again. She's been a bit ill for the last few days, though, so wasn't able to do anything. Like Voldemort's DD, she's much happier when the room is clean so it's a shame she can't keep it like that. As I've mentioned before, she's jealous of DS1's room (which used to be hers, they swapped), but doesn't realise it's because he keeps his immaculate, like his body. I can't compare the two DC, either internally or externally, though, as it's not right, however much I'm tempted to. It would cause massive resentment on both sides.