AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

To those who read the bit about used sanitary towels left in knickers at the back of drawers, and promptly offered up thanks that they had sons and wouldn't have this problem, I am afraid I have bad news.

I see your used sanitary towels and raise you spunk-filled tissues stuffed down the side of the bed - at all times of the month. It is one of the joys of owning teenage boys - and I have made sure mine know such things go in the bathroom bin, and nowhere else - on pain of pain.

well done for all your hard work. as she is enjoying her lovely room it might be that she really does find doing it all herself too much, I think the ground rules for things she has to do for which reward sound great. Hope the talk goes well without her leaving home or a divorce!!!!! Stay strong and calm gets to them every timexxxx

Big respect - this is something I have threatened my DD with many times (although she generally makes a half-arsed effort to clean up when I do). She is now going on 17 and is slightly better than she has been, but not a great deal. She is not now and never has been, depressed, she's just a lazy mare who would rather live with the smells and the mess than make the effort to do anything about it. She has a wardrobe full of lovely things I have bought trying to encourage a bit more pride in herself, but she often wears DH's stuff because they are more 'comfortable', although I suspect that as most of her day to day clothing is mixed up with clean laundry on her floor it's more that she can't be bothered to sort through it and find something suitable. It's typical teen behaviour - they are either extreme in their hygiene or completely scruffy. It's bloody-minded rebellion, not depression.

I can't beleive the used sanitary towel thing. That's gross.

Mind you I keep seeing people saying their DD's hate dealing with stained underwear during periods. BLACK UNDERWEAR is the key. It's what I do now. I only where black pants during periods. You can't see it and if it stains you'd never know.

well done OP

Well done VN - can't wait to hear what happens tomorrow.

And here's hope for all you mothers of daughters- mine were very untidy and slovenly - until they left home!
Now they have their own homes it's as though they've developed OCD. The houses are immaculate and they come back here and complain about the mess!

Oh no. I have boys and a girl. I am truly dreading all this. I thought bogies wiped on the bedroom wall and dried on was bad enough.

SDTG - when I was a teenager my boyfriend had a 'wank sock' his Mum used to wash it with the rest of the washing and put it back on his bedside table [cshock] .... I guess it was better than the alternative and as the youngest of 5 boys I suppose she been there done that all before!! (At the time I thought it was theeeeeeee most disgusting thing I'd ever heard!!)

Volde - well done!! Can't wait until tomorrows installment!

Cathy - we had bogies wiped on the wall too - above ds2's bunk bed. He had a fine collection that could have been of great scientific value, if I hadn't chipped it all off and binned it! [cgrin]

And dh has attempted to lecture me for mentioning the tissues - my whole second paragraph was out of order, apparently. Hence why I am still on mumsnet sulking spending time with intelligent folks.

SDTG - what's he doing reading over your shoulder anyway - tell him it's rude!

It all sounds so familiar to me - soiled sanitary towels stuck to the knickers and then shoved into a drawer or under the bed; crisp packets, sweet wrappers, empty glasses and plates, dirty clothes mixed with clean ones and all tangled up on the floor; filthy bedclothes and often no sheets on the bed because she couldn't be bothered. Room stank of BO and worse. Refused to let me into the room when she was there -literally barred my path by putting a chair up against the door. Never washed and wore clothes with food stains on them. Never even opened her curtains.

I tried the black bin bag trick - she didn't care and just filled her room up with other stuff. I spent hours cleaning her room - she didn't care that I went through her things. Nothing shamed her.

The only time she tided her room was when she was expecting friends but as most of them were facebook friends, she had very few visitors.

Thank god that nightmare is over and she has at last taken responsibility for her personal hygiene. Her room is still a tip but she has just started sorting through her things and throwing out things she doesn't want anymore.

Smug Yorkshire Mam is shocked and appalled by this thread

thinks 'yes you have made a rod for your own backs'

Will be spending the morning polishing my bairns halos!

Beesimo. All I can say is that I second TSC's remarks and I'm happy for you. Just be thankful that your DC are so good. DC are all different characters. My DD is very stubborn which can be fantastically good in some situations, like school work or learning a new skill, but not good when we're trying to make her do something she doesn't want to do.

My eldest was disgusting she would shove use sanitary pads down by her bed and just have stuff all over. She now half lives here and half with her boyfriend and she is a lot better. Mainly as she doesn't have the time here to mess it up...

Son is a lot better but I have to nag him a bit but he will do it.

Little one i have her in training in hope that it was my fault that the eldest was like that. Rod and back etc....

Good luck VoldemortsNipple, let us know how you get on..

Beesimo, my kids can be a nightmare at home but are a dream out of the house at school or friends houses etc. I am not believed if I tell people what they can be like.

If they were perfect at home instead well....the alternative doesnt bear thinking about! What do yours get up to when they are away from your iron rod I wonder?!

Whores wash? = Cats lick and a promise?

Good Luck, I think you are doing the right thing. Be very clear about what you expect her responsibilities to be from now on & the ongoing concequences of failing t comply. She won't like it but long term I think she will thank-you for setting firm boundaries & expectations.