AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

Maypole1 - how would you go about hauling a resisting teenager, who may be taller than you, to the bathroom, undressing them against their wishes, forcing them into the shower and then washing them? For example, ds3 is taller than me (at nearly 14) and whilst I outweigh him, he is strong and wiry, and I am sure I would not be able to do any of that - and I certainly don't see him submitting meekly to my dragging him to the bathroom, stripping him and bathing him!

And I think that it would be deeply inappropriate too - forcibly stripping an adolescent and then forcibly washing them - presumeably including their private parts - surely that would be deeply damaging to their dignity and would ruin the relationship between parent and child. Quite apart from what the authorities would say if they ever found out!

Dh has just read the OP and one or two of the other posts on this thread, and suggests that we should have a photo competition for the messiest teenager's bedroom!

I have done this to my daughter and it worked very well... you are being calm and discussing it with her... I screamed and marched upstairs with a binbag prcatically foaming at the mouth. She's not too bad now!!

Reading through this thread you can tell who has teenagers and who most defiantly doesn't.
OP I did this to my ds now 18 and I can see I will be doing it to ds2 now 11, if they don't stick by the rules and it gets to the point where it is impacting on the rest of the family then you have to make a stand. I do however agree with the 'earning it back' though.

I have a no food or drink in the bedroom rule. DSS1 (16) has tried to sneak food into the bedroom but I frightened him with talk of mice (he was terrified ).

Showers are once a day minimum, under threat of withdrawal of meals.

I deal with sheets and towels (on an über hot wash) myself and clean the boys' rooms right through about once a month.

YANBU

When i was a teenager this happened to me and i was horrified and it took me what seemed like forever to earn my stuff back my doing chores ect and i did keep things tidy from them on because everytime i slipped my parents would take something away every day till it was
Also do not give her the thing she wants the most back first or she wont want to keep it up

I agree with the clothes thing two literally just 2 sets of things untill she clean up as it cant be easy for her to be like that or maybe she does not realise so leave her a basket of nice smellies on her bed after you have cleared the room and talk to her it because if other people can smell it she is probably getting bullied about it and the shock of you doing something might get her to do something

Plus its tough love as a last resort so do it

We have a no food in the bedrooms rule - but it is honoured more in the breech than the observance - sighs.

Until now you have done the softly softly thing and it hasn't worked. You made the threat, you must do it. IMHO as a secondary school teacher, if more parents showed your tenacity, courage, common sense and love for your child, rather than trying to be their best buddy, the schools in this country and society as a whole would fare much better.

Good luck!

dh dealt with this in two ways: firstly the computer was taken away and only allowed an hour a day and only if the room was tidy.

secondly the weekly pocket money was only given if the room was tidy and clean.

it also became apparent there simply wasn't adequate storage in the room, which needed serious grown up investment in terms of shelving, drawers, wardrobe etc.

the bath/hygiene thing is tricky. can only suggest you ensure there is a regular time in the day when everyone-including your dc- knows the bathroom is hers to use plus clean towels shampoo and soap available.

YANBU in the least, remove the lot and make her earn it back,
I have a 14 year old son who is a bit of a soap dodger and it has in the past got to the piont I have removed his PS3 and so on till he has had a shower.
It works

Well up to now DD has not done a tap in her room. I'm still waiting for her to get a shower, she was asked to get in about 11am. I will have to ask her for school uniform now so that is clean for the morning. Tomorrow I am going to battle the mess. I was planning on washing her clothes before bagging them up although I do like the idea of waiting for DD to ask for them and her havingto wash them first, but washing them first will be more hygienic. I think we will have to make sure we put DSs things away so she can't take them.

Luckily I'm off work next week so she won't be able to bully DS1 while I'm not about.

My sister's room was in that nearly state at around the same age. One time my sister was away, they put everything in binbags and put the binbags in the garage. She didn't actually say anything when she saw her room stripped, but did find the binbags shortly. She gradually sorted through them over the next few weeks. This solves the "Health and Safety" problem, while still making sure she learns to do the tidying herself instead of waiting until you crack and do it yourself. It also meant she kept it tidier, on the basis that next time the binbags could be going to the tip.

YANBU to want to do aomething about her but tbh do you think it will work.

Have you thought of taking her to the GP? The not caring about personal hygeine is worrying, most teenagers are very conscious of it at their age. OThers may have asked, is she depressed, etc.

She sounds alot younger than her years. With young children you have to do everything for them becasue they can't. But a 14 year old should be taking some pride in their surroundings and appearance.

A word of warning about taking her possessions, teenagers are cunning and can retaliate. When I was about taht age, my mum thought I spent too long listening to my walkman so one day she charged into my bedroom and took it away. I didn't have much else decent possession wise, we weren't a rich family at all

So when she was in the shower, I took away her bank cards and her child benefit book and told her she could have them back when she gave my walkman back. I had great hiding palces she didn't know about. It would have been a MAJOR deal to get a replacement child benefit book replaced back then and she would have been without a bank card for days waiting for a replacement. I got my walkman back from her

Be warned.

I'd see if there's something else going on here though, seriously. Does she have alot of friends? Does she go out? Surely she wouldn't want to invite friends home to that room?

I have no advice, just a plea...

As a messy person, hounded by clutter, I so, so wish someone had firmly taught me HOW to be tidy and organised from a young age. Our house was always cluttered (still is), mum hoarded (still does), did things in an effective but chaotic order (still does) and so I had little experience of how to prevent the mess from just ballooning. I'm not talking about dirt and stink though! Just clutter. Endless mess.

It has taken me years and years and great frustration, embarrassment and determination and I now feel like I am just a little bit more able to keep tidy. Not exaggerating here at all, but it has affected my confidence and social life - not hugely but still now I feel cut down when people make those jokes about my untidiness and feel embarrassed to be labelled that way. I so wanted to deal with it, but pp are absolutely right that you get a point where you just don't know where to start, so you don't and it gets worse and you panic more each time you contemplate the problem and hate your inability to deal with it, so you take that out on the people who tell you that you should. I'm not stupid, incompetent or lazy. I get stacks done, just not tidying! It became a mental block for me and always will be.

Ok, so I do know we are talking about a teenager and it won't have got to that stage yet, but please bear in mind that she may need some coaching as well as the bin-bag experience!

Also, if she is anything like me stubborn, she won't want to just do it your way but understand the thinking behind it. May seem silly just over a bedroom, but I can so remember times thinking, "It doesn't make sense that we keep that there..." and leaving it on the floor to prove it!

I lived in my parents house until I was 18 and I lived by their rules. My Mum hovered and did the washing (she ironed, I don't)
Room had to be kept reasonably tidy, floor clear and dirty clothes put to wash and bed striped when mum said it was a good drying day. I wouldn't have eaten in my room, but tea cups got returned or there would be no more tea.
Nothing suddenly changed just because I was 13, 14, 16 etc.
If my 13 year olds room is a state she gets just the same ear bashing as her 10 year old sister.

bonoir how will your boys pull their weight as partners, fathers and husbands if you don't teach them that their mess is their responsibility?

Hairy, thats a very good point. The next generation of wives will be on MN moaning that their MILs did everything for the men so they expect the wife to do all the tidying up and so the cycle continues......

Gentleness if you want to join us here at the FLYing thread you're more than welcome. I'm learning how to be tidier with the system. :)

Sorry for the hijack!

hairylights - first and foremost, they are my DSSs, not my children, and I am far from bearing full responsibility for their upbringing. There are many things about the way they behave that I do not like, but I have had little leverage over it and so have to deal with how their parents (and many other carers) have brought them up.

Secondly, I do actually think that children need to be given an example of clean/tidy/order and that if you leave it all up to them they will not learn to live hygienically. As others have pointed out, domestic skills are learned. If you leave your children in a permanent pigsty, they won't know any different.

DS1 (nearly 14) is ok on the cleanliness front - he showers every morning and sometimes has a bath too in the evening (like yesterday), changes his clothes every day. BUT his bedroom is a bloody pigsty with stuff everywhere. He is not supposed to take food upstairs but there is always loads of crisp packets/biscuit wrappers/satsuma peelings on his floor . His school work is never tidy, he has books all over the floor (despite us buying him a filing stacking tray thing, he has cd's and dvd's all over the floor despite us buying him a bookcase to house everything on.

His answer.... it is his room and if he wants it like that he will!!

I do however go in and tidy now and again and he will say "oh thanks mum it looks really nice".

Bonsior - I have DS2 who (whilst his bedroom is not very tidy, it is spotless compared to DS1) but he is always offering to do jobs around the house, hoover/wash my car etc. Even if he was just going to walk out of the door with some friends and I asked him to hoover the stairs he would get on with it rather than moan. I have treat both my boys the same - just different temperaments.

beesimo, you seem to be harbouring under the misapprehension that those of us with dirty/messy/vile teenagers haven't done what you did!

My dd has always had to help around the house, as does her brother. I did too, when I was younger - and still, I was a dirty, messy cow. Right up until I left home.

It doesn't make any difference. They are who they are regardless.

Voldemort just keep on keeping on, you're doing a grand job

My teenagers rooms are still messy despite them just being on a 2 week holiday from school. They do clear up occasionally but TBH unless I am feeling pre menstrual I will just let them get on with it. They know how to clean up and do stuff but as another poster said it is their rooms. I make sure they strip their beds and bring down cups etc. They always have clean clothes.

They don't do much around the house either but again life's too short. I did get upset yesterday when i asked for them to hoover around the downstairs whilst i was out but I have come home and done it today. I am here more than them in term time.