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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

410 replies

VoldemortsNipple · 25/04/2011 10:32

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 27/04/2011 10:09

OP: I threatened my DS for ages about his room. Stopped him doing one of his hobbies etc. Pocket money docked. It didn't make any difference, unfortunately. DS is nearly 14.

I had to take a day's holiday to help my DS clear his room. You couldn't get in the door without falling over something or other. You couldn't see the floor for the crap all over it. Dirty washing, check; dirty cups & plates, check; dirty everything, check. We even found a very mouldy packed lunch. We also found two meal worms (I think that's what they're called) in his fireplace. It took us from 8am to 3.30pm to clear, tidy and clean. Ten days later, it's heading straight back to what it was.

If he doesn't get it clear this time, I shall be taking away his Wii, DS and anything else I can lay my hands on. He'll get no pocket money and I'll also block facebook and roblox to boot.....

I think you're doing the right thing.....

MittzyTheMinx · 27/04/2011 10:11

Awww but bless 'em beesimo.

Glad you are smug with your lot but lordy I love my boy, for all his mess an all.

His room is like his head, messy, cluttered, impulsive, he is a bundle of mad energy, his room is tiny but for all the mess my heart swells when he gets about 10 other teens in there and I grump sometimes but he has a halo just for being himself and no, as long as he has the tools for life (and we will all differ on what we think are the important tools for our DC's) I wouldn't change him into anything else.

Hygiene is a tool I value and I push on that, but all else? A pile of dirty clothes because he has been scrambling the rocks, or in the river I can live with.

Casserole · 27/04/2011 10:20

Much much respect to the OP. Can't wait to see what her response is. Well done you.

rockinhippy · 27/04/2011 12:33

I LOVE that Maryz another thief here - I might even stick the parents right on the ceiling over DDs bed Grin

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 27/04/2011 13:02

Love 'Whore's wash' ! I'll be using that again...

beesimo · 27/04/2011 13:03

Second Coming/Judge Judy

I am sorry if my different ways of parenting is so offensive to you, I would be prepared to debate with you about that, but I have no respect for people who ill wish others. Hopefully I won't have another riding accident but if I do I can rely on my DDs and the lads to do their bit together with DH and extended family/friends to pull me and the farm/businesses through just like they have this time and that makes me very very proud.

michelle2011 · 27/04/2011 13:21

wow

Isntitironic · 27/04/2011 13:50

beesimo I'm sorry to hear you had an accident, but I'm pretty sure that was a 'hope you don't fall off your metaphorical high horse'.

halfcaffordableLidlEasterEggs · 27/04/2011 14:04

Oh, Lordy, I see this is where my dd might be going...except she does wash and use deodorant (she is 11) I am interested to know the outcome as I already have a lot of these issues. I would be inclined to follow through. Good luck to you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/04/2011 14:10

I too am loving the 'whore's wash', I'd never heard that before. Grin

Respect to Voldy; you'll never know the revolution that you may have started and to the other contributing posters, Maryz et al, some great tools that we can use. Just shows how great MN can be sometimes. Grin

beesimo... I'm surprised that you're still following this thread so closely as you obviously can't identify with teenage behaviour as expressed here... yet here you still are, spouting off, comparing other posters and their children unfavourably to yours and trying to make them feel small. That's not an achievement, no matter how you portray it, and I feel sorry for you that you feel the need to do that. Hmm

halfcaffordableLidlEasterEggs · 27/04/2011 14:14

Nowt wrong with a 'whore's wash' IMO. Saves water and energy bills!

valiumredhead · 27/04/2011 14:16

A lick and a promise is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO rude! I have only just realised what that actually means Grin

impty · 27/04/2011 14:16

Yanbu

LtEveDallas · 27/04/2011 14:26

Well done OP, lets just hope some of it sticks huh?

My DD is only 6 but I am dreading the teen years - she can already take over the house with 'stuff', and we have dramatics when she is made to tidy up. Oh joy of kids.

DSD is 15. She's only with us once a month, but does stay during holidays etc and her room terrifies me at times. I once took photos of the mess after only 3 days and threatened to post them on my FB and tag her so that all her mates could see....

I have to remember to do a 'deep clean' after she has gone now. I didnt use to, but discovered some weeks later food / drinks and general rubbish hidden under the bed and sofa! I was sooooo bloody angry that DH threatened to send her to bed at 9pm every night, rather than let her stay up (so that she couldnt eat crap and hide the scraps). Now she eats the crap and leaves the scraps on the coffee table (marginally better I suppose). Saying that though, her cousin is one year younger and we had him to stay for 2 weeks once. When he left I found countless biscuits, crisp packets, coke bottles etc all under the bed. All just shoved out of sight rather than taken to the bin AND this was after we'd said no food in rooms (following DSDs shenanigans).

Lordy, I just cant wait until DD gets there...

Lemonylemon · 27/04/2011 14:38

"A lick and a promise is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO rude! I have only just realised what that actually means"

Actually, it's a saying from the olden days when I was a kid. It means a quick wash and a promise to have as proper wash properly later..... Wink

Maryz · 27/04/2011 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 27/04/2011 15:25

My friend always says she's taken a "whore bath" but I think the break down of "pits and bits" is hilarious.

notyummy · 27/04/2011 15:38

I was a pain as a teenager, but I honestly don't think I was ever this gross about cleaning my room. That said, I had friends round quite a lot and would have been mortified if it was really messy/smelled (days before electronic connections.....perhaps that is part of the problem, in that they can 'meet' each other without being in their friends rooms??)

I do remember my dad losing his rag and storming into my room late at night and cutting off the plugs on my stereo and (very old, second hand) TV because I had been repeatedly told that they had to go off at 10pm and kept ignoring them.

He then refused to replace them and said that I needed to learn how to wire a plug. Once I HAD learned and replaced them he said that the next time I was caught with them on later than 10pm then they would be in the bin. I knew he meant it!

At the time it was SOOOOOOO UNFAIR.

Now I think 'Go Dad!!'

DD is 4 and we have all this 'fun' ahead of us.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/04/2011 15:42

Woohoo notyummy, your Dad really rocks. Grin

Collision · 27/04/2011 17:09

bumping for info

Waltons · 27/04/2011 21:01

Just another little bump, as we're off the first page of AIBU now. How's it going, Voldy?

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 27/04/2011 22:30

When I was a teenager my room was very messy, but there were never any food scraps or dirty plates in there, so it wasn't smelly. Mind you, I think I was, because mum only let us have two baths a week (sunday and wednesday), and refused to buy me deodorant, even though I told her how sweaty I was getting at school (and I didn't get enough pocket money to buy my own). I remember leaning my head against a window and leaving a greasy mark too - urghhhh.

And I had two school shirts a week too, to save on washing and ironing, and I hated that. My boys get a clean shirt every day, even though that means that with dh's shirts, we have a grand total of 20 white shirts a week here!

I've also remembered today that ds3's room has got so messy that he was able to lose a £20 note, and not realise it had gone! He has a paper round, hence his wealth. He happened to find the note when he pulled out a box from under his bed to look for something else. If I'd tidied his room for him, I could have found the money and claimed it as danger money/cleaner's wages!

meltedchocolate · 27/04/2011 22:47

hmm, lots saying how awful, distressed child blah blah blah. I wasn't 14 that long ago. I was like this. Just had no respect for 'stuff' or anyone actually. Now I am only mostly clean now after a shock that got me realising how gross I had been. I wont say what that shock was Blush This is not a distressed child. This is a teenager. I hope you did it OP. Wish my mum had done this to me!

meltedchocolate · 27/04/2011 22:53

I read back. You did it! Hurray! :)

beesimo · 28/04/2011 08:18

Lying witch

It was never my intention to make others feel small and if you look back at my posts the only person I mentioned before the spiteful ill wishing was Fabby Chic and that was because I was shocked at the suggestion of putting a childs food in a dog bowl.

I was simply trying to convey the fact that what has worked for my family is discipline and structure when they were little. Because it is far easier to set boundaries when they are small.

If some of the conditions described above were found in a childrens home the staff would be sack and they police would probably be called in. That is not just my opinion that is a fact.

I am well enough to start 'doing my bit' and will be too busy to be on MN until back end. One thing some of you may want to think about if you didn't spend hours and hours on a daily basis on the computer you might actually have a time to relate to your children better but of course that takes self discipline and sacrifice and I think you are much better at 'playing the victims' than actually taking responsibilty for what is going on in your own homes.