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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to tell a friend that her sons have been behaving inappropriately toasted my young daughters

127 replies

emkana · 25/04/2011 00:07

context here

Please guys how do I do this?

OP posts:
emkana · 25/04/2011 00:07

Bloody autocorrect! Towards not toasted!!

OP posts:
Spenguin · 25/04/2011 00:08

YES, tell the parents!

emkana · 25/04/2011 00:09

But how???

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 00:19

How you bring up the subject with the parents depends on what outcome you're prepared to accept.

If you want to stay friends with them then the next time they ask to meet up say your DDs mentioned something that made them uncomfortable, say what happened, and then see what their reation is.

If they're concerned and want to discuss it further and go off to see what their DSs have to say about it, that would be good.

If they kick of big style 'how dare you accuse our precious DSs of such a thing' then you're best off without those types of friends.

On the other hand, if you're not bothered about the friendship you could be less blunt and tell them what their DSs have been up to and ask WTF??

That probably won't get to the bottom of what exactly happened though.

I know you're not going to, but don't let your DDs 'play' with them if you're at all uncomfortable.

HalfPastWine · 25/04/2011 00:20

I think you can only tell it how you heard it from you dd. Say that because of how your dd is feeling over the matter she won't feel comfortable coming to their house.

They have to know, their behaviour was totally inappropriate.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 00:22

If it were my DDs behaving inappropriately I'd want to know.

It's possible it was just innocent mucking about, but you'd still want to know to tell them it's not on.

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 00:37

Sorry, just answered on the other thread.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 25/04/2011 00:56

My boys are 13 and 10 and if they behaved liked that I would want to know it. It might very well be normal sexual curiosity, but I would hope I'd got the idea of personal boundaries and not doing things that make other people uncomfortable through their heads by now. It's my responsibility to make sure they understand appropriate behaviour, and if I've cocked it up somewhere I'd need to know.

I'll be brutally honest though and say that it would quite probably mess up our friendship. Not because I would blame you or anything as daft as that, but because I would be so mortified and embarrassed and at a loss as how to make up for their behaviour that I would probably just hide from you Blush

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 25/04/2011 01:07

Telling your DDs to keep quiet about what these boys did to them does not, IMO, constitute innocent mucking about.

I have no doubt that these boys knew full well what they were doing, but at the very least they have showed no respect whatsoever to your DDs.

IMO you should not let these boys anywhere near your DDs, and even a meeting in a public place will send your DDs a message that you condone what these boys did to them.

Face it, however you handle it it's more than likely that this 'friendship' is irretrievably fucked tainted even if you are willing to say nothing and meet up independently of your respective DCs.

There's plenty more friends in the sea but you've only got two DDs. Throw this pair and their obnoxious sprats back and hope that your next catch will be a truly nice family that shares your values.

emkana · 25/04/2011 07:34

Thank you for the advice. Do you think the boys' behaviour is normal?

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Bonsoir · 25/04/2011 07:37

There is no need to tell the parents. The children you need to work on are your DDs, in order for them to learn the skills to prevent them getting into situations they dislike with boys, any boys.

bigTillyMint · 25/04/2011 07:41

Bonsoir is right - you do need to teach your DD's how to avoid situations like this.

But the boys are significantly older than your DD's and will definitely know what they are doing is wrong. You MUST tell the parents what your DD's have said they did. If they don't like what they hear then dump them.

Goblinchild · 25/04/2011 07:45

I would talk to the parents. The boys' behaviour is within the spectrum of normal for that age, they are acting together and crossing boundaries that they should not be. The parents need to have a very clear discussion about what is and isn't appropriate behaviour, and that if they are 'playing' and someone says 'stop'then that's what happens. Right away.
It's important, not just for your girls but for the boys. They have gone too far and need to know that it is unacceptable.
Pinning others down with body weight is often used by boys to dominate other boys, but in this situation it is particularly wrong and scary for the girls. It is good that they told you what happened, and that they understand that no one should be making them uncomfortable or telling them to keep secrets.
If you choose to see them again, it's up to you and your daughters, but I would definitely tell the parents.

goodbyemrschips · 25/04/2011 07:52

Why have you waited until you meet up again?

Why have you not done or said anything the day after you were told?

flimflammery · 25/04/2011 07:53

Could you say
'Listen, this is very awkward and I've been worrying about how to talk to you about this, but last time we all met up, something happened that upset DDs. DD said that when they were all upstairs [ use her words ]. I just thought you should know, in case your boys don't realise how inappropriate this behaviour was, and that it's not OK to do this to girls. I'd like to see you again, but we need to deal with this problem, as it's making my DDs very uncomfortable and unwilling to go to your house again'.
Then leave the ball in her court.

Decorhate · 25/04/2011 07:53

Are you friends of these people because of or in spite of having dcs?? If you want to carry on being friends with the parents you v
can meet up with them without the dcs.

I have friends that I now tend to meet on my own without dcs because as the dcs have got older they have less in common because of the age gap/ gender difference.

Whether you tell the parents about the incident which upset your dds is a separate matter.

EdithWeston · 25/04/2011 08:09

We've no idea if this behaviour is normal or not. At the moment, there is only the girls account if it. I'm not saying they're wrong. But we have no information on the boys' intentions - and that is the key to whether this is ordinary behaviour (which inadvertently caused unintended distress - the boys are still young/immature) or something deliberate and therefore already worrying. Asking the girls not to tell could arise either from shame (if the former) or manipulation (if the latter)

You'll only find out if you broach the subject. As this family are friends, and as you describe this as a single event, then you can tell the other parents in those terms, and explain the upset to the girls without making assumptions on the intent.

As Goblinchild points out: the boys need to be told again about limits and boundaries. Their reaction might well show what their intent was, giving you further information on whether you need to do anything else (speak again in stronger terms, or sever contact).

Bonsoir makes an interesting point - your DDs are absolutely not responsible for the actions of other children. But if they need to get away from a situation in future, what would they do? At some stage, you might like to consider a self-defence class - not necessarily one to teach them to fight, but one which considers situational awareness and methods to create the time/space to get out.

SardineQueen · 25/04/2011 08:17

Bonsoir I don't really understand your post. Is your approach that the boys behaviour was fine, and that the girls should have known better than to play with them or something?

It would be great if you could expand a little.

Bonsoir · 25/04/2011 08:32

These aren't going to be the last boys that emkana's daughters meet whose behaviour doesn't please them. As parents, the most efficient tactic is to teach our children to defend themselves from people whose behaviour they dislike.

Goblinchild · 25/04/2011 08:35

One of the most efficient ways of defence is to be clear and direct about how inappropriate an action or a phrase is, and to leave the boy no 'wiggle room' to pretend that they haven't understood or that it was a joke.
My DD at 20 can do that for herself, but these much younger children need an adult female to say it.

winnybella · 25/04/2011 08:36

Agree with teaching your DDs to deal with stuff like this, but you should tell the parents. Also if this was my son, I definitely would want to know.

Bonsoir · 25/04/2011 08:38

The bit I really don't understand is why they were all in a bedroom together. As a parent I would not have let this happen.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 25/04/2011 08:39

I would just tell them. I would not care how they took it.

My reasoning would be this - they are friends, she is my child. They don't matter at all compared to her. Their reaction ie not wanting to be friends or something is not something I would care about.

I mean, what the boys did was lie on top of your child, yes? There was nothing sexual? No clothes off? No touching? Nothing that you need to take other action on.

"

SardineQueen · 25/04/2011 08:45

I don't understand why children should not be allowed to go off and play together out of sight of adults at this age

i don't understand why the boys don't need a telling off about what they did

I don't understand why the onus seems to be put onto the girls who are only 7 and 9 to have got themselves away

Bonsoir I don't understand where you are coming from.

In my world, it is fine for children to go off and play together
It is not fine for the older ones to bully / upset the younger ones and they need a good talking to
It is not the responsibility of 7 and 9 year old girls to monitor the behaviour of males (?) and expertly remove themselves from situations they are not happy with. Yes teach them about stuff, teach them self defence etc but the way it's been phrased makes it sound like what happened should have been avoided by the (little) girls so in some way it is their fault. To my mind what the boys did is wrong and it is their fault.

SardineQueen · 25/04/2011 08:47

I think Hecate's approach is a good one, and others who have said similar.