To not know how to tell a friend that her sons have been behaving inappropriately toasted my young daughters

[emkana]

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Please guys how do I do this?

It would never have occurred to me that I should stop them from going off and playing together.

No SardineQueen, you don't understand because you think everything is or should be the boys' responsibility. But it isn't. There is parental responsibility, because these are all children (and, FWIW, we do not let the DSSs aged 16 and 13 alone in a bedroom with girls at our house) and there is the OP's responsibility towards her daughters (arm them to protect themselves, not to assume that everyone has good intentions towards them). My feeling is that the boys in question are the responsibility of their parents and since they have done nothing very wrong and this is a first instance they should be given the benefit of the doubt. Let it be a lesson to the OP as to how to supervise children in her home in future and how to bring up her own DDs.

emkana - then I think you are a little naïve!

So you would - what? Tell children that age to stay in the living room while they are visiting?

You wouldn't let your 16 and 13 yo boys be alone in a room in your house with 7 and 9 year old girls?

Obviously it depends on your home and how it is set up - your ability to supervise will depend on how far away the children are from you wherever they go.

I have other friends with boys that age and when we visited them they played games together, which I thought children would do.

No SardineQueen - and they know it, thank goodness. Obviously they are better brought up than the boys in the OP!

So friends visit, I say, don't go off in case inappropriate behaviour goes on? I mean WTF?

Why not? Why wouldn't you let your 16 and 13yo boys be alone with girls aged 7 and 9?

Bonsoir your postings are becoming increasingly bizarre. Are you OK?

That's sad Bonsoir, that your sons can't be trusted to know how to behave wit girls. Something has gone badly wrong there.
My DS of 16 has several younger female cousins that he often plays with, any infringements by anyone of perceived rights are loudly protested and judged by them and the adults within earshot. He has also taken them to the local park as the responsible one.
But he has Asperger's and understands about rules, including those about respecting other people's rights. because he's had situations and choices explained to him at every opportunity and been involved in understanding what is and isn't acceptable, and how that differs according to the person.

I was thinking the same Sardine. Bloody heck.

I have two boys, 13 and 9, and would be horrified if they did that to younger children (boys or girls) because that's not the way they are supposed to play with them and I think/hope they know that. Also, I would be extremely worried if they told the younger children not to tell. With my two, not telling me something means they know it's wrong (eg a broken window because of football in the house...).

But I would feel 1000 times worse if you, as the parent, didn't tell me! I would definitely want to know.

Many 13 yr old boys I know are huge - taller than their parents - and it would be very distressing to a small girl to be pinned down by one.

Some are happy to "play" with younger children from time to time, esp if they know the family well, but tbh at that age they don't usually choose to hang out with little kids.

As I said earlier, I think the time has come to change the meeting-up arrangements.

And I agree with Bonsoir that I would not be totally comfortable with them disappearing off to a bedroom - ok to all play in the garden or on the Wii say. If they went off somewhere I would be checking on them v regularly!

Your daughters telling you what happened means you must do something. I think contacting the other couple asap is important rather than waiting until the next time you meet up. If you do wait until the next you meet up it becomes something which is 'by the way' rather than important. It will be hard to tell them but you simply must tell them.

The boys do need to understand what is appropriate and what is inappropriate behaviour when playing with girls. In the same way the girls now need to be taught what to do and say when someone is acting inappropriately towards them. Ok the 7 year old is probably a bit young. The 9 year old, however, I think is the right age especially if they are 'playing' with older boys. Unfortunately your girls have now found themselves in a situation where it is no longer enough to just tell and adult.

I think if you don't want to stop them going off/playing alone then you have to keep on checking up on them by actually going into the room rather than just calling up.

I've assumed that what Bonsoir perhaps means is that she wouldn't let her 13 and 16 year old stepsons wonder off to their rooms with girls their own age which is really a different concern all together as it's a concern more about teenage boys and hormones, am I right Bonsoir? I very much doubt she's saying she wouldn't trust her two older boys with younger girls.

Unless of course she is saying that she would be concerned about 'talk' about things that may/may not happen. i.e. it's far easier to make sure they don't go off to a bedroom incase there are any accusations thrown around. If that's the case then what a sad, sad world we live in!

I don't have much to add op. The poster who said really just explain it in straight forward terms as 'your sons lay on top of my daughters and put their body weight on them last time and they were really upset by it', I think is right. The parents should be told, the boys should be told how it wasn't appropriate but it shouldn't be assumed that anything more serious was meant by it in my opinion. Good luck!

I agree that the girls need to be encouraged to have strong boundaries because there are some unpleasant men in the world (and vice versa but responding to this situation). And they did well to tell you and not keep it 'secret'.

I do it to my DD because of my experiences.

But the boys DO need telling this is unacceptable! If by any chance it was completely innocent, they need to be made aware of how their actions make other people feel, or they will grow up unable to make that judgement. And it is doing them a disservice not to admonish them get away with it.

If we don't steer our young people, of course the girls will grow up having to deal with crap like this. Society only changes if people put in the work. Given the tide of unhappiness of girls/women as a result of mistreatment by boys/men that is evident, then making changes, however slight and gentle, might change the situation.

OP I personally would approach the parents and acknowledge how difficult it is given your friendship, but state that the incident had happened and you would like to discuss how to resolve it.
I would try not to get emotional but be practical and state 'facts' so that you are being objective and non accusatory. How they respond, as another poster said, is a measure of the friendship.

I would meet again, with kids, and while the boys and your girls are there, I would bring it up,
"Oh, boys, the girls mentioned a game where you lay on top of them and they couldn't get away. Please dont do that game again. I know you told them not to say anything, but understand that they WILL tell us if it happens again" - then say to the parents, "hope you dont mind my saying that, just wanted to nip it in the bud, we'd hate for it to spoil our friendship so thought it best to just mention it before they go and play!"

Cant believe that they would react unreasonably if you are just matter of fact about it and sensible rather than emotional and stressy.

Bonsoir, Emkana's daughters did react appropriately for children of their age - they told their Mum. That took some courage, as the boys had said 'don't tell'. And Emkana should be proud of them. I don't think anyone could expect a 9yo and a 7yo to handle a difficult situation like this completely on their own and it seems uncomfortably as if you are putting all the responsibility onto them instead of on the much older boys where it belongs.

Emkana, you do need to do something about this - your daughters have told you something that made them worried and uncomfortable and you need to act to protect them. Some of the suggestions here about conversations with the parents might be helpful.

Whatever tack you take, your daughters musn't be left on their own with the boys somewhere where they may get up to this kind of thing again. They've told you they were forced to do something they didn't like. If they are put into the same situation again, you'll be giving them a very harmful message. I think they need to know you have spoken to the other parents because what the boys did was wrong. Whatever the motivation, your dd's need to know it is not on, that they were quite right to tell you and that you will act to protect them.

You can't control the other parents' reaction. If they avoid you in future because they are embarrassed, so be it. But your daughters need to know this is not OK and that they have a right to object to what schools describe as 'bad touch'.

I agree with bonsoir in that i would never let
my boys bring girls up to their bedrooms unsupervised.
Its asking for trouble imho.
My childrens friends are not allowed upstairs in my home when
they come over to play. They play in the living room or garden
or playroom. Upstairs is " family only" here.

The most important thing - more important than whether or not you tell the other parents - is that you must not allow your daughters to play with those boys unsupervised ever again. Doesn't matter how you engineer it - you must protect them.

What these boys did was wrong and not entirely appropriate although may or maybe not sexual.

What makes this whole incident wrong is that

''the boys told the girls not to tell''

so the boys knew it was wrong but still did it.

SardineQueen - do you have teenaged boys? Do you know how they behave in their bedrooms?

Bonsoir this is ridiculous. Your idea that boys aged 16 and 13 cannot be trusted ever to be left alone with young children (emphasis on girls in your posts) is astounding. What on earth do you think they are going to do?

What things are you talking about them doing in their bedrooms? Depending on the sort of boys, it might be things like playing guitar, drums, watching TV, reading, playing computer games, playing music, or for some of them games like warhammer appeal.

What activities are you referring to? Masturbation? Looking at porn? Boys don't do those things when there are small children around, if they are normal.

Your posts are really odd.

I am also intrigued that so many people seem to think that "things" can happen in bedrooms, but not other places. If people want to do "things", they can do them in other rooms, or even outside, believe it or not.