To not know how to tell a friend that her sons have been behaving inappropriately toasted my young daughters

[emkana]

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Please guys how do I do this?

If believing that small children behave provocatively with the intent to instigate sexual relations with the opposite sex is repressed, then yes I'm repressed.

Bonsoir, whatever your views, it is clear that in Emkana's case, the boys behaved inappropriately. It is quite wrong to try to imply that the younger girls are responsible for the older boys' behaviour. The girls clearly didn't enjoy the boys' behaviour.

Boarding schools and children's home have a documented and horrible history of sexual abuse.

Hope things OK OP but I am hiding this thread

Theres some strong veiws on this thread , and i think im somewhere in the middle . We really shouldnt have to train our daughters how to fend off inapropriate male behaviour , and we shouldnt blame the victims when it happens , because it shouldnt be happening . The owness for it happening lies firmly with the males whove done it and their parents , the girls are not responsible in any way .

Having said that , i wouldnt allow a 7 year old girl to go off and play alone with a 13 year old boy because unfortunateley weve had 2 unpleasant experiences . If nothing else the age gap is too large and they have nothing in common , and that applies to all 7 and 13 year olds regardless of their gender .

Op , you need to tell them in a way similar to what others have suggested and you must not take them there again . Its very difficult trying to be freinds with other families with kids in a differant age range , even more so when the other parents have little or no boundarys with their kids . Youve already said they were rude to your dds and not very respectfull of their stuff , so they dont come again , end of , because it wouldnt work on that basis alone .

If you want to remain freinds with this couple then see them withoput the kids . You dont want rude teenagers round your house , neither do your dds , and they probably dont want little kids round theres.

OK Maybe bonsoir is being over the top but I can't actually see why a 13 year old boy is hanging out with a 7 and 9 year old who aren't related to him? At the very least he will have nothing in common and therfore no interest in them? What happened may have very well come from the fact that he didn't see anything else he couldl do and was bored.

Tell the parents please Op and don't see this family again, you don't need friends that desperatley trust me.

I have just come back to see that Bonsoir's viewpoint is that 7yo girls are prone to leading 16 year old boys on sexually and if 16yo boys respond then who can blame them.

And that some people feel that she has a point.

This all from someone who would be happy to let her children go and play at the house of a convicted child rapist..... Hmm.... I don't think we need to pay too much attention to her views, really.

FWIW, the 7 year old wasn't playing alone with the 13 year old, there were two other children of 9 and 10 years playing too. I must say that it depends on the children involved whether they have anything in common. My 13yo DS is more than happy to play with his 7yo sister or my friend's 8yo DS when we visit. Might not be his first choice of things to do but he enjoys being sociable (and I'm aware it might not last much longer!)

I can understand that many teenaged boys wouldn't want to play with little children and would slope off somewhere / ignore them

That's not what we're talking about though is it.

sardinequeen - I must have missed that bit about playing at a child rapists house - what on earth was that all about?

Roman Polanski reference.

Op i think you and your H are going to have to have a talk about unacceptable behaviour in your home / towards your dds and have a plan for dealing with it . This part of your original post is a bit worrying -

first time they were at our house and it was okay, but the boys were quite rude to our dd's and not very respectful of their stuff, but fair enough.

It wasnt fair enough op , and either you or your dh should have said something . Would you have kept quiet if the mum had been rude to you , or disrepectfull of your stuff ? Would your Dh have kept quiet while the dad bashed his beloved power tools or tv about ? Your dds have a right , just as you and your H do , to not have to put up with bad behaviour in their own home and it should have been adressed .

The fact that it wasnt means that this sort of behaviour will probably continue , these boys have took the lead from you and took your silence to mean that your ok with it. As did the parents . You can either raise it and be clear or choose differant freinds who dont let their children behave like this .I would do the latter and simply be busy next time they want to meet.

Either way this sort of thing will happen again and again , bad behaviour will occur towards your dds , either at school or with freinds , one or both of you will have to speak up for them because they are too young to do it for themselves . It is awkward to have to tell off visiting children , no one likes doing it , but the kids were guests in your home and you have a right , and an obligation to tell them not to behave that way . Your dds really shouldnt be subjected to rotton behaviour from visiting kids.

Thanks goblin but didnt see that on this thread, I take it was another 1?

An old thread where Bonsoir was bragging that Roman Polanski's children had gone to her childs school (or something) and how fabulous it was for the parents whose children were invited over to play and of course they all went for playdates and why not. Something to do with rubbing shoulders with celebrities.

It was greeted with a lot of faces - was in a thread at the time when the extradition stuff was happening.

Sardine

You must have a memory like a elephant or are you a bit

A bit what?

Katie mentioned it and it reminded me. I think most people on that thread probably remember what she said. Similarly I suspect many people on this thread will remember her views on 7yo temptresses. When someone expounds such strong and unusual and wrong ideas people tend to remember them.

tbh, i think it sounds more like bullying behaviour than sexually motivated, but you definitely need to tell the boys' parents anyway: if they were my sons, i would want to know, so i could ground them forever, the revolting little bullies correct this behaviour. i think you have had good suggestions of how to word it, i wouldn't raise anything about sexual interpretations: unless their parents aren't very bright, they'll get it.

Sardine

Sorry I didn't mean to send that post because I wanted to look the RP stuff up first before I jumped the gun. I have been following this thread but couldn't work out what was actually being said by Bonsair as it was so perculiar I thought I wasn't picking her up right.

You however have talked a great deal of sense imo

I now think you are very right to pull her up about this and can't understand why she thinks a famous pervert is someone to boast about knowing. Its all very queer.

My sons are 14 and 10 who would never behave in such a manner because I raised them to be better then your friends children, her boys sound vile and you need to tell her what they have done

emkana- you need to tell them. The laying on the girls is one thing - yes, boys do sit, lay on and wrestle other children - BUT for a 16 and 13 year to tell the girls not to say anything about it suggests they knew their behaviour could be construed as inappropriate, and EVEN that their intention was such. There is too big an age gap between these children to shrug this off.

As a mother of two boys, I would absolutely want to know about this

I wouldn't generally suspect the motives of a teenage boy towards a younger child, though. Many many teenagers are really good with younger children

SORRY - I don't know where I got 16 and 13 - The boys are 13 and 11!!

Diggs - you have a point. These boys sound like they think they can get away with things because they got away with rudeness and disrespectful behaviour before.

The more of people's comments that I have read, the more I think that people are right in saying that your girls and the boys shouldn't be asked to play together again, for the sake of your girls.

The boys were rude and rough with their stuff on the first occasion, and then this thing happened on the second that really upset them.

I can imagine that they don't like these boys very much (understatment!) and really shouldn't have to spend time with them. I think you should tell teh parents what happened in one of the ways mentioned above, and continue the friendship vie meals in the evening if you want to be friends with them. Your DDs have had a pretty rough time with them and while taking it on the chin / having a thick skin are reasonably handy things for people to have I don't think that this particular situation is one for them to learn those lessons. I think this is the time to say - how terrible, what awful boys, they shouldn't have done that, you don't need to see them any more.

beesimo fair enough! I thought it was a bit random!

You absolutely need to tell their parents - though it may cost the friendship. When I was between 6-9 I was abused by two older boys, brothers whose parents owned the pub where my alchoholic father spent large parts of every weekend when I was staying with him every fortnight. At first it wasn't bad abuse, just the things like you describe. After a while it grew worse and worse - they abused me and my same age friend who was often sent to the pub with me to keep me company - then we would be handed off to these teens to keep an eye on us. They would pin one of us down and tickle us so badly we were screaming and crying, until the other one did the sexual act they wanted. It was awful and has totally affected my ability to enjoy sexual adult relationships and it only happened because we, the kids, never realised it was wrong until aged 9 a I told a school friend and they told me it was wrong.

Save your DDs going through all the crap I have and others like me. It sounds like it hasn't gone far yet and maybe the boys don't realise what they are doing is wrong. But it needs stopping now. The parents may be hurt and may choose not to believe you, but realistically, that is not your problem. You daughters are.