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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to preserve my toddler's dignity?

111 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 23/04/2011 18:49

Or am I being really PFB?

I can't help but want to put myself in DD's shoes, even though she is only 2!

I was with some of my family recently, we were in their lounge (my uncle, aunt, assorted cousins and my parents) and DD needed a nappy change. I gathered her up and the changing bag and started to head out to the bathroom, aunt said "Oh don't worry, just change her here" - indicating to the carpet in the middle of the room. I said it's ok, thanks, I'll take her to the loo for some privacy, aunt scoffed and said "a toddler doesn't need privacy!"

AIBU in wanting DD to have a little privacy when she is being changed? I'd definately not like to strip off in front of my family!

On a similar note, I don't allow pictures of DD to be taken in the bath, if anything is 'on view' or not concealed by bubbles or toys, and I didn't allow anyone to photograph her naked as a newborn (regardless of how cute and dimpled newborns bottoms are!).

Obviously as DD gets older there might be a few pulling-clothes-off, or emergency-potty-stops-in-public-view incidents, but I'm starting to wonder if IABU (or on the verge of giving DD a complex) in trying to maintain some privacy/dignity for DD and avoiding her having to flash anyone, despite the fact she is only very little and as yet does not have any body 'awareness' of her body and what bits are private.

And I definately won't be posting pictures of DD stark naked 'potty training' like a few of my FB friends have done with their bubs.

AIBU or a PFB prude?

OP posts:
mrsravelstein · 23/04/2011 18:53

i've never changed nappies in a crowded room because it's not very nice for the other people, rather than because of the baby's modesty.

HOWEVER, i am with you on the naked photos thing... i'm nearly 40 and i still hate the several naked photos of me up to age 5 my parents have (and one of my brother on the loo, nice)... i have hundreds of photos of my 3 dc and in none of them are they naked. i have some of them in the bath but as you say, i picked the ones where they are pretty covered in bubbles.

jojowest · 23/04/2011 18:54

daft as a brush

mrsravelstein · 23/04/2011 18:55

i should add, i'm not remotely a prude, don't have any body hang ups, walk around naked at home in front of kids etc...

Birdsgottafly · 23/04/2011 18:56

As long as you do not give her the immpression that her body is shameful and something to be hidden. You can start the whole modesty thing to early and to strictly.

millie30 · 23/04/2011 18:56

YANBU, I always take my DS into the bathroom to change him. I don't think it's nice for him to have an audience, or for everyone else to see/smell!

CrispyTheCrisp · 23/04/2011 18:57

My DD's 4 & 2 have run round naked all day in the garden and we had friends here. If i could get them to keep clothes on i would

However i would take them off for a nappy change when they were smaller so i do agree with that

PinkIsMyFavouriteCrayon · 23/04/2011 18:58

Sorry, I think you're being precious!

ilovemyhens · 23/04/2011 18:59

I think it's unnecessary and embarrassing for dcs to be photographed in the nude. It's not cute or clever, just cringeworthy for them when they get older.

Just do what you think is best re: changing. Both my dcs have always valued their privacy and there's nothing wrong with that.

I still have a vivid memory of being on my potty one day and being aware of both my parents standing watching me saying how clever I was Hmm I didn't like it at all.

Choufleur · 23/04/2011 19:01

I don't think its nice for everyone else to change the nappy in the middle of the room but your 2 year old has no need for her dignity to be preserved. She's 2 and couldn't care less.

Would you let her play without her clothes on in the garden on a warm day if you had friends' round?

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 23/04/2011 19:02

I'm trying my best to not give her a complex etc, and not give her the impression that her body is shameful, that's the last thing I'd want!

And of course I wouldn't dream of changing her anywhere where other people might be offended!

I'm hoping that I'm teaching her that some things are done in private and that I respect her privacy regardless of her age.

OP posts:
bamboobutton · 23/04/2011 19:02

my 3yo ds loves running around nude.

he also enjoys al fresco potty timeHmmGrin

i'm happy to have him noody if he's happy and as soon as he starts showing signs of wanting privacy i'll happily do that too.

triskaidekaphile · 23/04/2011 19:02

I agree with your aunt. You sound overly preoccupied with dignity and privacy to me. This has nothing to do with pfbness.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 23/04/2011 19:03

Bizarre and rather worrying. You seem to be viewing small children in the same way as adults. They aren't.

nannynick · 23/04/2011 19:04

YANBU to take your DD somewhere a little more private. It's not as though you are at home and it's just you and her (and any siblings) around.

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 23/04/2011 19:04

Choufleur - thats not happened yet, I'd have no problems with her running around the garden in a nappy, or in a cossie etc, and I guess if DD wanted to strip off and run around I'd let her - in a private garden - but I wouldn't strip her by default. (wonders if that makes sense.......)

OP posts:
DooinMeCleanin · 23/04/2011 19:05

I try to preserve my toddlers dignity but she doesn't seem to like being dignified. She prefers to dance in the window starkers. She also doesn't seem mind my privacy much and has a penchant for trying to sit on lap while I am on the loo.

She once remove her clothes her in KFC and sat topless enjoying her ice cream [bublush]

FabbyChic · 23/04/2011 19:06

Ive lots of pics of my children as babies stark naked.

Babies are cute.

She will end up with a complex about her body if you continue to proceed as you are throughout her childhood.

MissPaintyOeuf · 23/04/2011 19:06

I can understand not wanting to change a nappy in front of a roomful of people. But I think a child doesn't really need privacy until they're old enough to feel embarrassed about people seeing them naked tbh. Kids running around naked in gardens in the summer for example, no problem with that. And the naked photos are more of an embarrassment when they're grown up, not at the time, when they don't care if they've not got a stitch on.

FabbyChic · 23/04/2011 19:07

Will you not let her run around in her knickers? or naked in the garden when she is but a year older? If not then it is a problem that YOU need to address.

DontGoCurly · 23/04/2011 19:07

YADNBU

I always err on the side of caution. Please don't listen to your Aunt.

Even tiny children deserve their privacy. That's my belief.

unsurevalentine · 23/04/2011 19:07

Awww....there is nothing wrong in being naked?!" Esp if you are under the age of about 5?

I have taken my lead from my kids and once they have started to feel self concious have given then some privacy. Still waiting for DD to feel the need at nearly 12 Confused

I was at a friends for lunch the other day. We were all eating Pizza and her 3 wk old baby needed changing (poo not wee) and she whipped out the changing mat, shoved all the plates to one side, put it on the table and changed her there and then Shock

winnybella · 23/04/2011 19:08

YABU and PFB.
At 2, she has no sense of privacy and in fact it's just wrong to make her feel like she needs to be always covered up- she will pick up on it.

Children's genitalia are not a sexual thing, what's a big deal?

And I have never been embarassed by old photos of me naked as a baby/child Hmm

TrillianAstra · 23/04/2011 19:10

I didn't know toddlers had dignity? [buconfused]

frgr · 23/04/2011 19:10

Agree that it's unnecessary and embarrassing to take pics of the little ones in the nude, my mum has pics of me wearing nothing (or as much as nothing e.g a flower pot on the head) in the family album, i always hated those ones when i was older, totally hated it - so much so that i ended up taking the worst ones and putting them in the box of photos that aren't in the living room (that album is kept on a bookshelf) at the age or 13. highly embarassing to me, and aunts/etc never quite got the fact that it was people laughing AT me not WITH me when they had a titter because "oh there's that photo (flowerpot one) that fergie hates" - HMMMMM. is it any wonder?

not so sure about the changing of nappies though. certainly more pleasent for poeople not to have to see it, and if it makes you feel more comfortable to change her elsewhere, so be it. so you are NBU Smile

i do think that there is too much "oh it's only a child, she has nothing to hide/be embarassed about" with smaller children, as if they don't have rights that should be respected.... although as a baby these might not be voiced yet.

too many adults sweep their idea of "adults = always know better" well beyond the baby and toddler stage, and start to ignore children when they voice their (totally acceptable) personality traits early on.

example: a friend of mine describes her daughter as being a "fussy dresser" and "fussy eater". her DD prefers blue and black clothes (like her dad - he wears a lot of suits - she loves to try them on!) and refuses to wear pink or flowery items as "dad doesn't wear them" - she also puts cetain foods to the side of her plate - because she doesn't like them. example is mashed turnip - she'll eat vegetables but just doesn't like turnip. but she's forced to eat it or no playtime after tea.

it seems utterly odd that adults feel they're so superior that they believe they're 100% right in every case, and the rights of children are so worthless... not sure where i'm going with this now cos the laptop battery is dying, but i did wantto discuss that the idea of "babies and kids have rights too, and just cos they're young doesn't mean to say we can tread all over them with smugness" on here.

if anyone else gets what i mean, feel free to articulate it better than i have here! Grin

BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 19:11

Nope I've never been embarrassed by naked pictures of myself as a small child either. I have naked pics of DS. I change him wherever - if he acted shy or embarrassed then I'd start taking him in private, but at the moment he's totally unselfconscious and I think that's wonderful.