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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to preserve my toddler's dignity?

111 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 23/04/2011 18:49

Or am I being really PFB?

I can't help but want to put myself in DD's shoes, even though she is only 2!

I was with some of my family recently, we were in their lounge (my uncle, aunt, assorted cousins and my parents) and DD needed a nappy change. I gathered her up and the changing bag and started to head out to the bathroom, aunt said "Oh don't worry, just change her here" - indicating to the carpet in the middle of the room. I said it's ok, thanks, I'll take her to the loo for some privacy, aunt scoffed and said "a toddler doesn't need privacy!"

AIBU in wanting DD to have a little privacy when she is being changed? I'd definately not like to strip off in front of my family!

On a similar note, I don't allow pictures of DD to be taken in the bath, if anything is 'on view' or not concealed by bubbles or toys, and I didn't allow anyone to photograph her naked as a newborn (regardless of how cute and dimpled newborns bottoms are!).

Obviously as DD gets older there might be a few pulling-clothes-off, or emergency-potty-stops-in-public-view incidents, but I'm starting to wonder if IABU (or on the verge of giving DD a complex) in trying to maintain some privacy/dignity for DD and avoiding her having to flash anyone, despite the fact she is only very little and as yet does not have any body 'awareness' of her body and what bits are private.

And I definately won't be posting pictures of DD stark naked 'potty training' like a few of my FB friends have done with their bubs.

AIBU or a PFB prude?

OP posts:
PlentyOfPrimroses · 23/04/2011 19:13

toddler ... dignity ... nope, sorry, you've lost me [buconfused][bugrin]

ihatecbeebies · 23/04/2011 19:14

YADNBU I used to do the same with DS when he had his nappy changed, I would be fine with him running around the garden naked in front of friends as long as they didn't feel really uncomfortable as I know a few friends that feel uncomfortable in that situation.

BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 19:15

I agree frgr - adults shouldn't presume to know better if their children are expressing a preference for something. But assuming your children will be embarrassed when they clearly aren't is almost as bad IMO.

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 23/04/2011 19:16

Thanks for the opinions everyone, it's helping me work it through as I was angst-ing over getting the balance right! I guess if DD wanted to run around naked in the garden I'd let her (we aren't very overlooked, if we were I might think differently!)

OP posts:
Bunnynamedstanely · 23/04/2011 19:19

Hi Buttercream, it's your baby so completely up to you where you feel comfortable about changing her. If you are happier taking her to another room go for it regardless of what anyone else says. I don't think YABU.

However, as you have asked for opinions (!) it could be considered a little bit PFB. Privacy is not innate imo, it is a learned behaviour so if you were talking about a small baby I'd say it really makes no difference to the child. OTOH at 2 you may be thinking of potty training soon and therefore will be teaching about appropriate behaviour then anyway. If you are worried about public potty stops buy a Potette, best £12.99 I ever spent. Although I
must say once we toilet trained it was MY privacy which disappeared - my DD and I have had many (loud!) conversations in public toilets about Mummy's pubic hair, sanitary towels, pants and boobies!

My experience in this area comes from a completely different perpective as a Mum of twins. With two babies there is no way I would have hauled two small babies somewhere else to change them if I didn't have to! By the time they were walking (11 months) one would have been chewing the toilet brush while the other one was being changed! (lol the memories are flooding back).

I'm with you on the photo thing though, we have only a few very modestly shot bath pics. Although there are a few naked newborn in the hospital shots.

One final thought. The fact that she's not body aware may be due to environment rather than nature IYSWIM, my two were aware of difference in each others bodies(boy/girl twins) very early on and even before they could speak were pointing and giggling during bath time. Both also did some very early and enthusiastic 'exploring' when their nappies were off!

triskaidekaphile · 23/04/2011 19:23

How utterly bizarre to be embarrassed about naked pictures of yourself as a toddler or baby when you are an adult! Understandable at 10 or so I guess but I think if you still hate them as an adult that points to an overdeveloped sense of shame at nakedness. Very sad. Children are perfect arbiters of privacy. one day they are saying "I wanna be naked!" and stripping off all their clothes, the next they are mortified at the very thought. As long as you respect their wishes everything will be fine.

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 19:23

Sorry but you are clearly a loon. You would only let your dd run around naked in your own garden if you werent overlooked? seriously? she's a child-thats what they do!. You are going to give your child a serious complex imo. Yes its nice at some points to preserve ones dignity but get a grip!.
I cant believe their are people on here suggesting they are some how traumatised by bring photographed naked as babies! I have loads of pictures of my kids with little or no clothes on. Not to embaress them when their older but to remind myself how littel/cute they were and that they will always be my babies.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 23/04/2011 19:24

I don't think my two had any concept of 'dignity' at 2. They'd quite happily sit at the dinner table going tomato-faced and then carry on munching, which wasn't terribly dignified. Or pleasant.

frgr · 23/04/2011 19:29

pink4ever & triskaidekaphile. You're not reading my post properly, or you're choosing to ignore some of it, or I failed to communicate exactly what my problem with some of the naked pics of me as a child are.

I don't care about the pictures and the fact that I have a bare arse in them. I do care that these pictures sent my mum an aunts into riots of giggles when they were pointed out (Oh look, there's ferg with her flower pot again!) and this definitely didn't include me laughing with them. It was cruel, and although I don't believe for a second they were being malicious (my mum has since apologised - when i was 13 and threatened to rip a couple of them up - she didn't realise how upset i was), these pictures are an excellent example of where a child's rights were totally ignored (mine!) - the right to choose whether these images were taken or put on the coffee table for display inbetween the scones and tea.

That's an entirely different problem than simplifying it into "oh she just doesn't like nekkid pics of herself" - that's not it at all.

Perpetuallypregnant · 23/04/2011 19:30

Oh dear... My dd2 is 7 and happily strips off when she feels like it!! She has only very very recently started to feel a bit shy sometimes like if a boy has been in the changing rooms etc...

Let them be children and follow their lead. They will let you know when they need privacy.

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 19:34

frgr-your mum was being cruel by finding pics of her dd cute and worthy of a giggle? Really? no really?Hmm.

Choufleur · 23/04/2011 19:40

Last summer I was blowing the paddling pool up (hadn't told DS what I was doing). Within about 5 second of him seeing it he was was standing naked next to me in the garden (which is overlooked from the sides and back btw) so excited to play in the water. He didn't care so why should I. he was just enjoying himself as a 4 year old would.

Let her be a very small little girl and be naked if she wants to. It really won't be that long before she becomes conscious of her body on her own.

Laquitar · 23/04/2011 19:41

I used to change the nappies in the bathroom or another room to spare other people the poo smell. Your aunt thought you are worrying about them and she was nice to you.

frgr · 23/04/2011 19:41

pink4ever, if you choose to trivialise my feelings on this with sarcastic comments, fair do's. But I remember these incidents years later, I remember wanting to rip them up at 13, and I remember my mum's apology. We have a generally good relationship, my mum and I, but I don't share your view that this is something trivial - this was a huge source of embarassment to me as a child.

You are the perfect example of what I'm talking about - you know better than X because you are Y. I hope your children never come to you with anguish over some source of embarassment and you wave it away with a little laugh and a mention that it's trivial to you.

youngjoly · 23/04/2011 19:42

Nope, sorry I don't think toddlers need or get dignity when it comes to nakedness at that age.

Unfortunately, I still remember the shame of my three year old stripping completely naked in a soft play on a couple of occasions, and me desperately trying to run round after her, rounding up her clothes on the way Blush. Even now, I have to convince my 7 year old that she does need to wear pants when other people are around. In contrast, DDs friend has real body issues and issues of 'nakedness'. She too is 7, and I always think it is such a shame.

Honestly, I don't think nudity is an issue for babies / small children. Please don't make it an issue.

frgr · 23/04/2011 19:42

X being a child, and Y being that you are older. Duh, forgot to add that! Still, something makes me think pink will reply with a "get over it" or "chill out" type response which really doesn't acknowledge any problem.

cantspel · 23/04/2011 19:44

i am the odd one as as my boys never run around even when they were toddlers with nothing on either at home, in our garden or on the beach. I just dont like it and it is not hard to put a pair of pants on them.

I am not a prude. I shared baths with them when they were younger and would change in front of them. Now they are teenagers we do respect each others privacy but they will still come in the bathroom for a wee whilst i am in the bath if they are desperate.

Nagoo · 23/04/2011 19:44

Yabu. Children love being naked and free. Don't put grown-up ideas about 'dignity' on her. I love seeing my DS running about, he's a child, with none of the constraints or worries about his body that adults have.

And it's bonkers to be embarrassed of being naked as a child. I bet you were confident and gorgeous and it makes your parents so happy to remember you like that :)

kw1986 · 23/04/2011 19:45

YABU

My DD is 3 and loves running around naked. Shes 3, she has no idea what modesty, dignity or privacy is (if she did I'm sure I'd be allowed to pee in peace). While naked she regularly rolls around on the floor with her legs over her head with not a care in the world that she's giving me a pretty graphic view. Let kids be kids and they'll develop a sense of modesty as they get older.

JellyBeansOnToast · 23/04/2011 19:47

I think if you make her hide her body away, she might think it's something to be ashamed of. Toddlers love to be naked and there's nothing sweeter than seeing little ones running around on the beach with no clothes on. They just look so free and happy!

They don't all grow up to be nudists - children learn pretty quickly when they start school when it is appropriate to have clothes on and when it's not. They don't mind others' seeing their bodies in the changing rooms until they're quite a bit older, unless it's been enforced at home that it's not right to be seen by your family or peers.

Please, please don't make this an issue for your DD. Girls have enough body hang-ups as they grow up without prudishness from the start. Let her be little and free! :)

JellyBeansOnToast · 23/04/2011 19:48

*others, not others'!

ilovesprouts · 23/04/2011 19:49

my ds2 loves to play on his trampoline naked

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 19:50

frgr-I can understand why you found the pics embaressing at the age of 13. Teenagers find everything embaressing,no?. Dont understand why you are still so hung up on it as an adult but lets agree to disagree. Apologies if I hurt your feelings.

Vallhala · 23/04/2011 19:51

Dignity? A two year old?

Pfttt!

YABU and very PFB, sorry.

exoticfruits · 23/04/2011 19:51

I have lovely photos of my DCs in the nude and in the bath. Why would they be embarrassed? I recently went to a friend's DDs wedding and they showed a lovely picture of her in the bath with my DS (not the groom)-no one was embarrassed. DS wasn't there but he would have laughed-I told him about it.
I have shown DSs girlfriends photos of them-they just think 'how sweet'.
I don't think that it is very pleasant to watch a nappy change-but not something that bothers me- or a 2 yr old.