Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think DP is being controlling?

108 replies

CleanDiana · 20/04/2011 20:19

Sorry posted this in Relationships but realised it was more of an AIBU. Namechanged due to DP knowing my usual username.

A few weeks ago I went on a night out with girls from work. It was the first night out I'd been to since DP and I got together. He nagged and nagged me to allow him to pick me up afterwards even though it would have been far easier for me to get a lift with my friend's boyfriend (who had offered to pick us both up and drop me off at home). I tried to explain this to him but he ended up convincing me and although he didn't tell me what time I had to come home, I did feel restricted all night, as if I had to keep giving him updates on what time we were likely to be leaving. Towards the end of the night he was texting every 5 minutes going on about how late it was getting and how he was worried and can he come and pick me up yet etc. Ok so it was 3am by the time I left but if he'd just let me come home with my friend it wouldn't have been an issue and I could have stayed out until whatever time I wanted and not had to feel guilty over it! We don't live together so it's not as if he was waiting up for me or anything.

So anyway he picked me up at 3am whilst making it clear he wasn't impressed with the time I'd chosen to leave and tried to get me to agree on an acceptable time of 12am for both of us in the future. But I shouldn't have to feel restricted like this! My children were at their dad's house and I had nobody to "wake up" when I got home so IMO I should be free to just come home whenever I want!

The issue has arisen again. This coming Saturday I am due to attend a leaving do for a good friend who I'll probably never see again after. The idea is we all go for a meal and then go for a drink or three. DP has again insisted that he pick me up but it would be so much easier for me to just make my own way home as I don't know what time I'll be leaving and I'd rather not be timed!! He's already started going on about me leaving early so we can spend some time together later in the night but I'll never see this friend again, it's a big deal for her and I do feel guilty leaving early. When I put this to him he makes out that I'm being unreasonable and he's only trying to be helpful but already I'm feeling restricted for this night out.

In his defense we don't see each other often as we both work full time and we're not involving the kids yet so the only time we really get to see each other is every other saturday night when my kids are at their dads and he can stay here. This night out has fallen on one of these weekends so I can kind of see why he's wanting to pick me up but he doesn't seem to realise how restrictive it makes my evening.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 20/04/2011 20:21

Ooh er! Are you serious? TELL him you will be making your own way home and then turn your phone off while you are out.

He has BIG issues. I think you know that.

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 20:22

NO, you are NOT being selfish.

How long have you been with the control freak????

Seriously, ditch him. If he is this insecure and paranoid now,he will not get any better.

beesimo · 20/04/2011 20:22

Your not married to him, your not even living with him don't let him put his boot on your neck!

ConnorTraceptive · 20/04/2011 20:22

I think this is a BIG problem and personally I would get out now. He won't change and by accomadating his demands you are telling him it's ok

Claz1001 · 20/04/2011 20:23

You need to nip this in the bud, it's not acceptable (IMO).

CareyFakes · 20/04/2011 20:23

That would grind my imaginary nuts. I would tell him that you will be making your own way home, and that you will see him when you return.

I hate feeling restricted

MaisyMooCow · 20/04/2011 20:25

You are your own worst enemy, speak up for yourself now!

millie30 · 20/04/2011 20:26

YANBU and you need to establish boundaries now. Just say "I appreciate the offer but I'm not sure what time I'll be leaving so I'll make my own way home thanks." If he doesn't accept this and makes a fuss, I would seriously reconsider your relationship.

chocoholic · 20/04/2011 20:26

Run in the opposite direction as quickly as you can.

lettinggo · 20/04/2011 20:31

You need to tell him you absolutely and emphatically do not want him to collect you because a) you don't know how long a night it will be and you don't want to clock watch and b) you're a big girl who has managed on her own for x amount of time and you don't need him to behave like a father to you. M

Major alarm bells going off. Put your foot down now or this will be the tip of the iceberg.
Enjoy your night out. Alone.

nijinsky · 20/04/2011 20:31

YANBU. Big red flag. Sounds like potentially demented material further down the line if he's acting this controlling early on in the relationship. Can you imagine if you did have a longer relationship with him and then split up - how do you think he would react? I wouldn't get involved any further. And don't let him tell you what to do either.

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 20:35

You could say to him that you are staying at a mates house. In fact, thats probably the best thing to do anyway if you can. That way, the subject is ended.

I have had a couple of relationships with people like this. They dont work. :(

blackeyedsusan · 20/04/2011 20:37

"run for the hills"

Original poster

CleanDiana · 20/04/2011 20:38

Thanks for the replies. Didn't think both threads would take off so I'm hopping backwards and forwards :) Thing is he was supposed to be going out with HIS friends two weeks ago. He then told me they'd all cancelled it and he'd spend it with me instead. I was suspicious about this because everytime his work mates have a night out, DP always reckons they cancel and doesn't go BUT I saw on facebook that the rest of the lads DID indeed go out that night.

Now DP reckoned his night out had been re-schedueled for THIS saturday and now again, he reckons it's all been cancelled and he'll spend the night at my house instead. I try and try to encourage him to go out with his mates but he just makes excuses all the time. I know for a fact that lads are out again this saturday but DP is refusing to go saying they're "gobby" and get into trouble when they're out and he'd rather not be a part of it.

I just wish he'd go out and enjoy himself and let me do the same.

OP posts:

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 20/04/2011 20:39

Yes, he's controlling you. Do you even have to ask?! You're not married, you don't even live together, and even if you were he has no right to dictate what time you should come home. I mean, how old are you? Twelve? A teenager would have more freedom! And how dare he tell you to cut short your leaving do night out?! Personally this would all be a red flag for me and it would spell the end of the relationship.

If you decide to stay with him, for your night out on Saturday arrange a lift or taxi with someone else now, then next time he goes on about it just say you appreciate his gesture but you've already made arrangements. And keep repeating broken record style if he carries on.

By the way, as you're not married/cohabiting why/how does he know your usual username?

blackeyedsusan · 20/04/2011 20:39

for goodness sake, seriously consider whether you want this relationship to continue. go woth your gut reaction. if he can't let you go out this time without hassling you.. well do you want to live like that all the time?

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 20/04/2011 20:40

YANBU .... He is being excessively controlling. You need to put your foot down and tell him that you will make your own way home. And when you go out don't check your phone and respond to any texts. It sounds like this is a new relationship so it is actually scary to see how his behaviour will develop, and it can only get worse. Maybe you need to get out of it now?

AgentZigzag · 20/04/2011 20:40

The bit that stands out for me is him trying to get you to agree to be in by 12 in future, it's what you'd say to a child!

Don't let him parent you, if he doesn't like it...

Squitten · 20/04/2011 20:42

I would put my foot down and see what his reaction is. Tell him clearly and in no uncertain terms that you WILL be going out until whenever you feel like, you DO NOT know what time you are going to be returning and you DO NOT require his assistance to get home.

If he freaks out, keeps trying to change your mind or pesters you on the night itself - RUN FOR THE HILLS!

HampstersDontSwim · 20/04/2011 20:44

Right,

You are not 13.

He is not your Dad.

Why dose he think he can tell you when to go home??
Would you ever tell an adult friend what time they should be coming home from a night out??
I wouldnt and neither would you because its silly.

He seems to be quite sure he has this kind of right over you and he hasnt even met your Dc yet (I'm bringing not meeting your Dc up because it shows that you are not in a proper-in-each-others-lives kinda way relationship).

This one is not a keeper.

He will prob tell you that its because he worries about you and wouldnt be able to sleep.
Boo-fucking-hoo.

Even the twats seem nice at first.
Sorry.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 20/04/2011 20:45

Just read your update. He isn't going on the boys night out because he wants to spy on you. By saying he wants to stay at yours he thinks you'll just turn around and say 'ok, pick me up then'. He's so controlling. Can you not see it, or do you just not want to face it? How long have you been together?

He won't "let" you have a night out on your own because he doesn't want you to. I think you need to read all your posts and the replies back objectively. If you were reading this from another poster, what would you advise them to do?

Original poster

CleanDiana · 20/04/2011 20:46

He knows my username as it's the same as my email address and he knows I frequent mumsnet and I suspect he has looked up my threads in the past.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 20/04/2011 20:47

I love the phrase 'boo-fucking-hoo' and try to use it as much as possible, it's just so expressive

millie30 · 20/04/2011 20:49

His not going out with his friends strikes me as a bit "We don't need our friends anymore, we've got each other." That would worry me.

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 20:50

After reading your last post, I cannot emphasise enough, get rid as quickly as you can.

I dont normally say that, I am quite usually to be found trying to see a 50/50 view.. but in this case, there isnt one.

This man is a stalker type. He is insecure, he is paranoid, and it can easily develop into a much more dangerous situation if he doesnt feel you are behaving as he thinks you should.

I am not joking or being flippant, I am very serious.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread