To think DP is being controlling?

[CleanDiana]

Sorry posted this in Relationships but realised it was more of an AIBU. Namechanged due to DP knowing my usual username.

A few weeks ago I went on a night out with girls from work. It was the first night out I'd been to since DP and I got together. He nagged and nagged me to allow him to pick me up afterwards even though it would have been far easier for me to get a lift with my friend's boyfriend (who had offered to pick us both up and drop me off at home). I tried to explain this to him but he ended up convincing me and although he didn't tell me what time I had to come home, I did feel restricted all night, as if I had to keep giving him updates on what time we were likely to be leaving. Towards the end of the night he was texting every 5 minutes going on about how late it was getting and how he was worried and can he come and pick me up yet etc. Ok so it was 3am by the time I left but if he'd just let me come home with my friend it wouldn't have been an issue and I could have stayed out until whatever time I wanted and not had to feel guilty over it! We don't live together so it's not as if he was waiting up for me or anything.

So anyway he picked me up at 3am whilst making it clear he wasn't impressed with the time I'd chosen to leave and tried to get me to agree on an acceptable time of 12am for both of us in the future. But I shouldn't have to feel restricted like this! My children were at their dad's house and I had nobody to "wake up" when I got home so IMO I should be free to just come home whenever I want!

The issue has arisen again. This coming Saturday I am due to attend a leaving do for a good friend who I'll probably never see again after. The idea is we all go for a meal and then go for a drink or three. DP has again insisted that he pick me up but it would be so much easier for me to just make my own way home as I don't know what time I'll be leaving and I'd rather not be timed!! He's already started going on about me leaving early so we can spend some time together later in the night but I'll never see this friend again, it's a big deal for her and I do feel guilty leaving early. When I put this to him he makes out that I'm being unreasonable and he's only trying to be helpful but already I'm feeling restricted for this night out.

In his defense we don't see each other often as we both work full time and we're not involving the kids yet so the only time we really get to see each other is every other saturday night when my kids are at their dads and he can stay here. This night out has fallen on one of these weekends so I can kind of see why he's wanting to pick me up but he doesn't seem to realise how restrictive it makes my evening.

Am I being selfish?

Bottle- I know how you feel (to a large extent). The thing is, a line HAS to be drawn. You made a mistake, you confessed, you apologised, he forgave. You probably apologised a thousand times since. BUT there's only so much apologising you can do and there's only so many times you should do. Even if it's not a verbal apology, your actions and reactions are an apology also.

You can't do it forever.

Bottle, that's no way to live and it's no way for your kids to live either.

We used to creep around my dad when he came home trying to determine what sort of a mood he was in before we said a word, we were constantly managing his moods, thinking of how to say/do stuff so it wouldn't set off another explosion... When he went out to work it was like the whole house breathed a sigh of relief.

It left me with a permanently nervous stomach that still hasn't completely gone away, I can't deal with conflict because of what I grew up with. Please don't let your kids have to live with this.

Your mum needs a slapping - sorry, but it's true. You should be ashamed? for you. If she's not prepared to even listen to you, then what a bloody awful excuse for a mum she is. She may not approve, but she should at least hear you out. Not Catholic, by any chance, is she? (Just asking, because it's the sort of crap mine would come out with if I ever did anything like that...)

Run like the fucking wind. I speak from experience. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

those bells are ringing very loudly but i bet in other ways he is jsut so nice ....

he will not change his behaviour, you could just carry on doing what you want but after a while it will wear you down until you finish with him (and these men are not easy to get rid of) or start agreeing with him for an easier life

read your post back, imagine your friend was telling you the same thing what would you say to her

Bottle - that is so sad.

What stands out for me is you're allowing all these other people to be the judge of your self-esteem and what you ought to do. Your mother judges that your affair is worse than your husband's - so it is. Your husband thinks you should put up with permanent misery - so you do.

You know in the argument of a million universes for every possibility, there is a future where you leave your husband, you tell your mother she has no right to expect you to be permanently miserable and you either go it alone or go for it with this other bloke (do you love the other bloke?)

Your parents would get used to it eventually. They may prefer the status quo but they'll come around.

Bottle - you're more than capable of making a new start and getting a better bloke.

OP - you know it's wrong otherwise you wouldn't have started the thread.

Bottle - it takes two to make a relationship work and women don't go looking elsewhere if things are OK. Your husband is responsibile for his part. I suspect, being a controlling man, that he doesn't do those important conversations that you should have be having from the start. He's good at punishments though - and some guys will punish for ever given half the chance. Well you've done your penance, don't let him keep you down any more - it's not healthy.

Your family need to stop putting you down as well - don't let them.

Bottle you deserve better than this. I really hope you gain the strength to leave xx