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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP is being controlling?

108 replies

CleanDiana · 20/04/2011 20:19

Sorry posted this in Relationships but realised it was more of an AIBU. Namechanged due to DP knowing my usual username.

A few weeks ago I went on a night out with girls from work. It was the first night out I'd been to since DP and I got together. He nagged and nagged me to allow him to pick me up afterwards even though it would have been far easier for me to get a lift with my friend's boyfriend (who had offered to pick us both up and drop me off at home). I tried to explain this to him but he ended up convincing me and although he didn't tell me what time I had to come home, I did feel restricted all night, as if I had to keep giving him updates on what time we were likely to be leaving. Towards the end of the night he was texting every 5 minutes going on about how late it was getting and how he was worried and can he come and pick me up yet etc. Ok so it was 3am by the time I left but if he'd just let me come home with my friend it wouldn't have been an issue and I could have stayed out until whatever time I wanted and not had to feel guilty over it! We don't live together so it's not as if he was waiting up for me or anything.

So anyway he picked me up at 3am whilst making it clear he wasn't impressed with the time I'd chosen to leave and tried to get me to agree on an acceptable time of 12am for both of us in the future. But I shouldn't have to feel restricted like this! My children were at their dad's house and I had nobody to "wake up" when I got home so IMO I should be free to just come home whenever I want!

The issue has arisen again. This coming Saturday I am due to attend a leaving do for a good friend who I'll probably never see again after. The idea is we all go for a meal and then go for a drink or three. DP has again insisted that he pick me up but it would be so much easier for me to just make my own way home as I don't know what time I'll be leaving and I'd rather not be timed!! He's already started going on about me leaving early so we can spend some time together later in the night but I'll never see this friend again, it's a big deal for her and I do feel guilty leaving early. When I put this to him he makes out that I'm being unreasonable and he's only trying to be helpful but already I'm feeling restricted for this night out.

In his defense we don't see each other often as we both work full time and we're not involving the kids yet so the only time we really get to see each other is every other saturday night when my kids are at their dads and he can stay here. This night out has fallen on one of these weekends so I can kind of see why he's wanting to pick me up but he doesn't seem to realise how restrictive it makes my evening.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

Hatesponge · 21/04/2011 02:08

I would definitely get rid of him asap.

A good friend had a boyfriend like this. Always wanting her to come home early/not go out/to pick her up. If she ever told him where she was going on a night out, he would turn up, having 'happened' to be passing. Or been on his way to meet some friends who had just cancelled .

When she eventually dumped his sorry ass, he turned into a full on stalker, and because he knew her email passwords, used to read emails between us friends arranging to meet at different places and then turn up when he knew she was there, sometimes at our houses! He used to lurk around in her work car park and stuff as well. Only getting the police involved and him getting a caution put a stop to it, and that took months.

Honestly I would run a mile from someone like that.

Morloth · 21/04/2011 04:18

What a PITA.

Key thing though, he doesn't have to be a pain in your arse.

Tell him you do not want a lift, if he keeps on, tell him he is creeping you out, if he continues after that drop him like a hot potato.

If he is like this when you are just dating he is going to be unbearable to live with.

southofthethames · 21/04/2011 04:33

This man is definitely controlling - seems like he is trying to limit your friendships and nights out to put himself in control of your life. And why does he know your MN username? He should not even be going there. Does not bode well. He is going to be one serious problem to live with if you decide to take things further.

Time to call time on this relationship. Plenty of better guys out there.

Jennytailia · 21/04/2011 06:54

Riiiggghhhhttt...

I am going to disagree(because that's what I like doing)

He might just really want to spend time with you and this is his way of getting his own way. OP might be smiling sweetly and going along with it and the DP doesn't really know there is a problem. He might be thinking as it's a new relationship that you both want to spend all your time together and is trying to enable you to do the same and giving you the means to do so.

But... I think you need to be honest, explain what and how this is
Making you feel, then if he carrys on then dump him.

He may be the most lovely DP who is misjudging the whole situation.

Oh and the mn thing, maybe OP has told him how witty it is and he often reads it for his own enjoyment rather than stalking, but would recognise this OP email address.

MoistTowelette · 21/04/2011 08:32

I went out with someone like this for three years and it was a nightmare.
He took over my life and it took me years to get my confidence back.
This is how it starts.
Run now.

QuietTiger · 21/04/2011 08:47

I agree with what everyone else said about a controlling DP. But, as a guide (so you know you're right when you tell him to get stuffed)...

My DH worries about where I am, because we live in a rural area with no bus service and taxis are very expensive. So, the agreement is if i'm out with friends, I let him know when I'm leaving (i.e. I've just got in my car on the way home or I've just caught a taxi and will be home in 20 minutes), or if I'm really stuffed, I can ring him to pick me up. That's it. If I stayed out until 6am, it wouldn't be an issue. That is normal for married people. What you are describing OP, is not. And when we lived in our own houses when we were dating, all we had to say was "sorry, can't see you, I'm going out with friends tonight". That's it!

Animation · 21/04/2011 08:55

I suppose it must be quite flattering to start with - and maybe he is VERY into you, but it's looking a bit obsessive to me.

He might have abandonment issues.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 21/04/2011 08:56

You know what I'd never namechange on here for fear of DP reading something he wouldn't like. If I can't discuss something with him, there is a problem with our relationship (in my view)

I would have done with my exh - but that's why he's my ex.

You're a proper grown up, I've bet you've got your own keys and know how to read the electric meter and everything - therefore you are grown up enough to decide when you've had enough fun and you don't need his 'help' to make judgements. If you've not told him that and he's confused, fair enough if he gets stroppy when you do, that'll be your answer.

Good luck and have a bloody good time this weekend.

Hammy02 · 21/04/2011 09:30

Please come back OP and let us know what you are going to do. I agree with all the other posters. Get the hell out. No doubt he will wail saying 'I promise I'll not do it again, you can go out as late as you want, yadder yadder' and it will be fine for a wee while but soon enough he will go back to his old controlling ways. I speak from experience.

Huffythetantrumslayer · 21/04/2011 09:49

Has he said yet that the reason he wants to pick you up/know where you are/what time you'll be home is because an ex cheated on him and he's worried about the same happening again?
That was the reason my abusive ex gave for his ccontrolling where I was/who I saw and for how long. get out now

Bottleofbeer · 21/04/2011 09:55

I'm sitting here absolutely stunned. I could have written this post, I'm married, if I go out and am in 'too late' I get blanked for days. It's got to the point it's easier not to go out than to deal with the fall out of it.

I've often said I had more freedom as a teenager and feel like a naughty 12 year old with a very strict dad :(

Olifin · 21/04/2011 09:58

Bottleofbeer That doesn't sound like a very happy relationship :(

Bottleofbeer · 21/04/2011 09:59

It's not particularly, just don't want to split the kid's family up and I'd be up shit creek financially so I stay.

Hammy02 · 21/04/2011 10:01

Bottleofbeer that is awful. I feel for you. Don't you find that even if you don't go out he finds something else to be controlling about?

Bottleofbeer · 21/04/2011 10:04

Yeah - freinds, he's warned male friends away from me, mde me block them on FB etc...

Animation · 21/04/2011 10:05

Bottleofbeer - bloody hell - you get blanked for days! That's not right. My mother did that - don't let him get away with dishing out those punishments.

Longtalljosie · 21/04/2011 10:06

He nagged and nagged me to allow him to pick me up afterwards

Does he keep wanting to buy you stuff as well? And say subtle but derogatory things about your friends?

In the short term - tell him categorically that you'll be out until you decide to come home, and your phone will be off. And suggest he spends the night at his. Don't back down - what you are doing is totally reasonable. Well - except having the energy to party until 3am, you're made of sterner stuff than me!

In the longer term - have a long think. I suspect he'll put enormous pressure on you to change your mind but you'll always regret cutting short your friend's leaving do.

Olifin · 21/04/2011 10:06

That's such a shame bottle. I can't imagine having to accept that unhappiness in my life. You must feel rather trapped, I guess.

I have no experience of separated parents personally, other than the experiences of friends. I honestly think that two parents who live separately can be very good, loving parents and that the children can be much better off with such an arrangement. I know some very happy, well-functioning split families with delightful and happy children.

I don't know anything about financial arrangements however.

fustyarse · 21/04/2011 10:07

just to chip in....

I once had a boyfriend exactly like this

This was in the days before mobiles

I was going for a night out with my best friend - he said he'd pick me up. I said no, don't worry, I'll get home myself etc

I was in thenightclub having a great time when I spotted him at the back of the club, in a dark corner, staring at me. I went up and questioned why he was there. He walked out. I went after him. He got into the car, and just as I was about to get in, he drove off. It was my car. He was staying at my house.

I had to get a taxi home. Fine. When I got back I discovered he had been reading my diaries, going through my photos. I was livid, but we eventually made up and he continued trying to control me. Not too long after, I suddenly saw the light and dumped his controlling arse. He made my life hell for some time to come, but Igot stronger and he realised he wasn't going to win.

I totally regret ever wasting any time with him. Your OP gave me chills. He is not being thoughtful, or kind, he is checking up on you. He is ensuring that you don't meet anyone else. He is utterly insecure and this will get worse. Never let him meet your kids. Don't bother trying to reason with him, iit will make no difference. Run for the fucking hills.

Bottleofbeer · 21/04/2011 10:12

Trapped is exactly what I am, he's even got my family totally on side.

I effed up a year ago and did something wrong, everything is now justified on the back of that. It's like the your spirit is being crushed out of you. OP don't end up where I am, please.

Animation · 21/04/2011 10:21

Bottleofbeer - you don't have to take this long term punishment and shaming you know. Whatever the mistake tell him enough is enough now and he better treat you with respect. Doesn't sound good if he's got your family on his side - seems like you're completely under his thumb.

Get angry and fight back for your life!

OTheHugeManatee · 21/04/2011 10:34

YANBU. Run for the hills

jeckadeck · 21/04/2011 10:39

YANBU: this is alarming at such an early stage in a relationship. It would be one thing to be pissed off if you rolled in at 3, drunk as a skunk if there were kids in the house. If you're not even telling your respective kids its totally out of line for him to be laying down the law like this. I would challenge him on it now, make it clear its not going to work unless he chills out. If he doesn't take it on board, you are setting yourself up with multiple problems for the future.

Olifin · 21/04/2011 10:50

Bottle Your posts make me really, really sad. I effed up at the end of last year and did something which went against my marriage vows and hurt my OH terribly in the process. He has forgiven me. It hasn't been easy for him or for me but we love each other very much and he is a reasonable person who understands that, having decided to forgive, it would be unfair to repeatedly punish me for something that has been dealt with.

michelle2011 · 21/04/2011 10:58

im not sure i would call it controlling, at first i thought he was thinking of your safety but when i read it again it sounds like hes insecure about you meeting someone else, given your relationship is new etc etc. i think the issue of him going out with his mates isnt anything to worry out, if he wants to go he will when hes good and ready but have to agree you do need your space. it may be you have to say to him "look i need to go out and have my freedom to come home when i want like any adult woman" i think you are just seeing his insecurities here. if you feel these are a red flag to you i would do something about it now

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