To think DP is being controlling?

[CleanDiana]

Sorry posted this in Relationships but realised it was more of an AIBU. Namechanged due to DP knowing my usual username.

A few weeks ago I went on a night out with girls from work. It was the first night out I'd been to since DP and I got together. He nagged and nagged me to allow him to pick me up afterwards even though it would have been far easier for me to get a lift with my friend's boyfriend (who had offered to pick us both up and drop me off at home). I tried to explain this to him but he ended up convincing me and although he didn't tell me what time I had to come home, I did feel restricted all night, as if I had to keep giving him updates on what time we were likely to be leaving. Towards the end of the night he was texting every 5 minutes going on about how late it was getting and how he was worried and can he come and pick me up yet etc. Ok so it was 3am by the time I left but if he'd just let me come home with my friend it wouldn't have been an issue and I could have stayed out until whatever time I wanted and not had to feel guilty over it! We don't live together so it's not as if he was waiting up for me or anything.

So anyway he picked me up at 3am whilst making it clear he wasn't impressed with the time I'd chosen to leave and tried to get me to agree on an acceptable time of 12am for both of us in the future. But I shouldn't have to feel restricted like this! My children were at their dad's house and I had nobody to "wake up" when I got home so IMO I should be free to just come home whenever I want!

The issue has arisen again. This coming Saturday I am due to attend a leaving do for a good friend who I'll probably never see again after. The idea is we all go for a meal and then go for a drink or three. DP has again insisted that he pick me up but it would be so much easier for me to just make my own way home as I don't know what time I'll be leaving and I'd rather not be timed!! He's already started going on about me leaving early so we can spend some time together later in the night but I'll never see this friend again, it's a big deal for her and I do feel guilty leaving early. When I put this to him he makes out that I'm being unreasonable and he's only trying to be helpful but already I'm feeling restricted for this night out.

In his defense we don't see each other often as we both work full time and we're not involving the kids yet so the only time we really get to see each other is every other saturday night when my kids are at their dads and he can stay here. This night out has fallen on one of these weekends so I can kind of see why he's wanting to pick me up but he doesn't seem to realise how restrictive it makes my evening.

Am I being selfish?

I really can't tell the difference between "controlling" and "expecting my insecurities to be pandered to"- synonyms in my book.

cory i guess it depends whether/ how much the OP loves the man, since we all have insecurities which show themselves in some form or other. not making excuses for the man but everyone has got "issues" just depends if they can work them out or the other can live with them

well of course we all live with compromises, michelle

but in all the domestic abuse cases I have ever come across the woman has been reluctant to leave because she feels she has undertaken to live with the man and that that includes accepting him as he is

and virtually all those cases have started with the man trying to control a woman's physical independence, usually stating that it is because he loves her so much and he can't help feeling insecure

Testing every 5 minutes is not insecurities.

If OP has replied to the first text saying I am fine, having fun, will text you when I want my lift or have made alternative arragements there is no need for a barrage of texts.

Apart from to remind OP that he is waiting for her and he is more important and has the right to disrupt her night to that degree.

texting not testing /bonks head on desk

i havent interpreted the question/ scenario to that extreme, thought he'd only done it once? anyhow only the OP can know

good luck OP!

The reason for the OPs post is that the second time she planned a night out he reacted exactly the same. Which makes it, to say the least, very likely that this is the way he will go on reacting next time, and the time after that...

Eh 'but if he'd just let me come home with my friend'

There's your problem right there. You are too passive. You TELL him how it's going to be end of. You don't 'obey' him. He doesn't get to make rules.

If he acts as though he's 'not impressed'-tell him to stfu.

This is not the olden days and he is not 'Victorian Dad'

Woman up and tell him to fuck off with himself.

dump and run, dump and run

he's a nightmare just starting ...

Controlling men only ever get worse. Been there, done that, got rid of the dickhead.

Do the same, it will not get better.

you dont live together

just tell him you are staying over at friends

he wont know either way

Please come back, OP, and tell us you've told him to sling his hook...?

Seriously, you are describing my dad, my mum used to justify it as 'he cares about me, he's only worried about me' - she ended up a virtual prisoner in her home, if they went out together (about once a year), she had to sit looking at the floor because if she caught a man's eye she must be having an affair with him... he used to stand at the garden gate watching the buses go by the end of the road and if she wasn't back from work on the one he expected her to be on, even if the bus was late for reasons beyond anyone's control, then all hell would let loose.

Then he started in on us - insisted on picking us up from EVERYTHING, always wanted to know where we were, even in the house he wanted us all under his eye in the living room. The mad old fucker even once blagged his way into the Liverpool Empire to drag me and my friend home early from a concert because he'd insisted on giving us a lift (worried about us on the bus, see?) and it was high time the gig should have finished in his opinion... if I had a day off work (when I still lived at home) he would ring up every one of my friends systematically to see if I was there (again, worried about me) and scream and shout at me for not being 'safe' (I would have been shopping or something), this was before mobiles but it didn't stop him behaving like a nutjob and alienating most of my friends. If mobiles had been around he would have done the incessant texting too, I bet.

He was very charming, on the face of it. Made my and my siblings' lives hell on earth, having ground my mother down first.

Don't be my mum and don't put your kids through that shit.

If you tell him you are staying over at friends he will go round there looking for you, I guarantee it. He is not going to get any better. My mum thought that marrying my dad would change him, prove to him that he had nothing to be insecure about. He got worse.

Just thought - please tell me this bloke doesn't have a key to your house? No way should he be staying over when you're not there!

The OP just sent warning bells off in my head - OP get out now. Seriously.

Lovecat - crikey, your dad was a real pain and embarrassing! Were you able to stand up to him in the end?

With the OP's guy I couldn't be that sure if it was just love and passion that you get at the start of a relationship. The warning bell for me was when he tried to get her to agree to staying out no later than 12 midnight - like she's Cinderella!

@ Animation - I always did from about the age of 13, hence rows, screaming fits, constant aggro from both my parents (mum blamed me for 'provoking' him...[sigh])

So I left school at 16, worked my arse off, saved my money and moved down to London 3 years later. Putting 250-odd miles between him and me did the trick, mostly :) Funnily enough my sister also moved several hundred miles away at the earliest opportunity....

And if any boyf ever asked me where I was going and why couldn't he come or what I was doing/who I was seeing I'd instantly dump him... massive red flag!

CleanDiana - my DH used to worry about me (when we were dating) when I had to do late shifts in a building situated in a crime hotspot. He only ever called if my shift ran later than usual. He offered to pick me up if I couldn't get a cab or bus, but he didn't hassle me to hurry up or make me wait for him. And he would wait for me to choose to call him, not turn up uninvited, so to speak. There's a difference between being concerned and controlling.. if it was concern he would wait for you to phone, and only "check in" if it was very late - and even then only once. Even if he's worried about crime, a normal DP does not keep texting repeatedly. Lots of couples work fulltime - I used to do 90 hours a week - but they don't stifle their partners.

Lovecat - good job! Thank goodness for your fiestiness - it won the day and retained your soul.

Bottle - that sounds really awful. I know you stated you effed up but continuing to torture you means he has never forgiven and hence isn't really in a marriage any more; he's just playing Jailer with a trump card to beat you with.

If you do want to stay together because of your child (is it just one child?) then you need to speak to him about going to RELATE to talk things through and start working on a healthier marriage. This is not how someone treats their partner, even if she's done something wrong - it was his choice whether to forgive (stay together) or to penalise (separate). He can't do both - penalise without separating. He needs to change if you both are to stay together.

If he feels he can't trust you again, he has to set you free and pay child support for his child. That's how the world works. If he was a stay at home dad and his wife worked, she would be paying him child support too. I don't really believe you won't manage financially - women often think they can't, but they are more capable than they realise. (And it's often cheaper paying for one woman and one child than we think.) What do you get from him - limo? Domestic staff? Yachting holidays three times a year? Designer clothes every month?.....unless that's the case, I suspect you can do quite well on your own. Go to hmrc.gov.uk website and see what you're entitled to on your own with a child. Tax credits, etc if you work. You don't want your child to grow up learning that this is how couples treat each other.

OP, where are you? Come back and tell us!

You know this is not normal. Recently my DP and I were living apart temporarily due to a work relocation. We kept things together by talking on the phone most nights. But if he was going out, I'd just say 'Never mind, talk to you next day' or maybe 'Will you have time to chat later?'

Would never EVER prescribe a time to be back even if I was feeling really needy (which we all do sometimes, let's face it).

Now we are living together, if he is going out I might say something like 'Which train do you think you'll be on?' or 'Are you eating at home tonight?' but that's the max. And we are living together!

Ditch.

Bottle agree my mum thought she couldn't manage financially and when she first left my dad she seriously tried renting a single room in someone else's house (she was a professional in her 50s) because she thought she couldn't afford to rent her own place

She is fine now. Has her own business, own pension, is a great mum. Get thee a decent solicitor.....

We've got four kids. Okkkk, I'll spit it out. He was working stupid hours, three nights per week if he got in before 10pm it ws a bonus, stress of the job meant he was permanently criticising me. If i did a thousand things a day he'd focus on the one thing I hadn't. I was like a coiled spring, I'd have to psyche myself up for him coming home and I'd be constantly asking "what is it? what did I do wrong today?" I realised I had got so used to it I had begun to accept that as normal.

Around this time a man I've known for years delcared his undying love for me, I suppose I was flattered, here was someone telling me the sun shone out of my arse while my own husband couldn't seem to find a thing I did, right. There was not a single thing about me, that makes me the person I am that wasn't put down/criticised. The way I look, the way I look after the kids and house. If I had a night out I was "taking food from the kid's mouths" - the kids have never, ever gone without btw.

I told this other man 'no' - repeatedly but he got under my skin and one night I slept with him. 2 days later I confessed all out of pure guilt. I can't even think too much about that time because it was so awful seeing the pain I caused that it's left me on antidepressants. He 'forgave me' but it's just getting worse and worse. My family totally took his side (despite the fact he had an actual affair once and my mum told me to get over it because all men do it at some point). One day that sticks in my mind; my mum came over and I was lying on the couch, absolutely zombified and just staring into space. I tried to tell her that it happened because I'd been so unhappy but she cut me short and simply told me I should be too ashamed of myself to try and make excuses.

He blames his insecurities on that but if I'm honest there have been controlling tendencies all along, it's like this had given him carte blanche to basically stop me leaving the house. If I go out and see a friend during the day when the kids are at school I get a sinking feeling, knowing I have to explain myself and sometimes, if I'm lucky, he's ok with it (depends on the friend).

I don't want to have sex with him anymore and I feel so trapped, who will support me if I go? my family think he's the dog's bollocks and if I end it all I'll be the bad guy because frankly, nobody wants me to rock the happy little boat of equilibrium. My sister causes a LOT of problems so I'm the 'good one' who gets it a lot worse if I put a toe out of line because I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO! I could have this other man in a heartbeat if I wanted, and tbh I do but know that really, I just need to be single for a bit.

The bottom line is I live my life according to how he might react to what I do, I have to give the smallest things so much thought and I'm so tired. I'm sick all the time and it's not like me.

Sorry for the big pity party, and it is because I've got amazing friends who will support me but I'm just scared of such huge change.

Oh Jeeze Bottle. I could have written that a few years ago - well the bit about living according to 'his reactions'

It's not a pity party.

You made an error of judgement. he's using it as a stick to beat you with. if you forgive someone, you forgive them.

You sound tired. I'm glad you said it, hopefully the responses you'll get will help you see life really doesn't have to be like that.

and you're only scared because that's how he wants you to be, you must be massively strong and resiliant to be living the way you are.

someone will now come along and put that much better!

No you are absolutely not being selfish! Talking to you about 'how it's not on and trying to work out a more acceptable time for you to leave?!' [shocked]
What is he, your parent and you 15?! You're a grown up FGS! There's no way I'd put up with that, if my DH tried to pull anything like that I'd tell him no thanks, I'm making my own way home that way you aren't being timed, and if he didn't like it, tough titties!

Run away fast and don't look back... please