to be fuming at someone phoning ss on me

[AuntiePickleBottom]

i have no idea whom has, i think i am a good mum.

the social worker was lovely, and i am glad they did come even if this was a malicious phone call.

but i am so paroniod that someone is watching me now, i can belive someone would phone the ss on me

I haven't read all of this but I would want to know what the concern was. What exactly were they investigating, did they give you any hint.

It would take alot for me to want to report someone but I came very close about a year ago. My old neighbour had two children, nice house, two cars, dad with a good job, holidays, well dressed and educated etc. But I began to notice that the mother is very short tempered and stroppy with everyone, especially her children and for nothing.

She's always shouting at the children and giving them a hard time. I was out in the communal grassy area behind the patios one day. She was out with one DC on her patio and she didn't know I was there and that I could see her through the fence. The child was about 3 at the time. She was a bit wilful (as three year olds are) and she threw her sippy cup when her mum didn't let her have her way. Mum went mental screamed at her down her ear "DONT YOU THROW THINGS" and I saw she had her by the arm, shaking her while screaming at her and she was shouting right in her face, intimidating her. She dragged her inside by the arm and continued shouting at her. Bit heavy I thought.

Fast forward a year when her DC's were about 4 and 6. I was walking home from work, had to go past their house and their windows were wide open. I could hear the screaming 25 metres before I got there. When I got close enough to make out words, I heard her screaming hysterically "OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT OF MY SIGHT OR I'LL KILL THE PAIR OF YOU" She sounded crazed. There were several loud thuds and then the sound of one of the DC's squealling and then hyperventilating before catching breath enough to start crying. The poor child sounded hysterical.

There are alot more examples, I was worried but they're the picture perfect family on the outside so any reporting prob wouldn't have got very far. But i heard a hell of a lot through the walls when they were my neighbours.

A1980, it was a malicious referal. They reported enough to warrant a visit. The OP has been 'cleared'. Being 'a piture perfect' family would not have spared them an investigation. That is the impression alot of posters have, that an abusive family is easy to spot.

Oblomov - Sorry you feel that 'someone' will come along and tell you to 'bow out'. I have no idea who you have a long runing problem with about this - what is their stance on this? I disagree with you that I am wrong in correcting you. You state that a poster will not get any support on MN when they are incorrectly accused by SS & go through hell because of it. I have supported people on those threads, other people have supported people on those threads. IMO telling people they are wasting their time saying anything about it on MN because they wont get any support is not helpful in getting the situation 'heard'.

Birds - I'm pleased you are still posting on this thread. It concerns me though that there are people on this thread who are telling you things they have gone through and yet you are still insisiting that it can't happen because there is a three stage process (etc). I think you need to understand that sadly, not all of your colleagues follow the process & don't act within their legal rights. Look at the things that have xstitch terrified - does that not worry you that your colleagues have been able to reduce her to such a state? Maybe you are right, maybe the fear of SS is unfounded - the problem is that so many SW's act unprofessionally and scare people into believing they have more power than perhaphs they do - but the thing is, there are people out there like xstitch who are terrified of living a normal life because of the involvement they have had with SS and only SS can change this. She is scared when her children get ice cream on their face because she has been wrongly accused of not keeping them clean - what kind of a life is that? What can we do to get the 'bad' social workers out of the system? [I like your idea of a free drop in centre].

xstitch - sorry to keep bringing your name up, but I just can't believe that there isn't something we can do to help you. I hate you 'living' like this :(

chipping - that would have been me.
I said to Oblomov about a year or longer ago, on a thread from someone asking if they shoudl report their concerns to SS, that as she has had such a tramatic reaction to beung reported then it is probably ill advised to invest so much eneergy on similar threads as it was clearly a very upsetting subject for her.

I didn't tell her to leave the thread or that her input should not be given as much cfredence as anyone elses. Just that she came to the discussion with a very specific view point which on some threads is not particularly helpfull.

I don't think i was rude, none of my posts were deleted by HQ for being offensive. But Oblomov does like to bring it up and use it for marytre points quite a bit.

Chipping- posters are expressing their fears over what may happen, not one of them has had their children removed, no SW can come in and take a child. I think knowlegde is power and so is taking 'ownership' of your own fears. I don't mean that in a glib way but properly thinking through your fears and taking control of your reactions can be empowering. I am a firm believer that nothing can make you feel the way you do, you partly choose to feal that way.

MamazOn - I see. Hmm - not too sure what to say really... It sounds like you were giving very good advice, it's not wise to post on threads and get yourself terribly upset. I guess Ob is just not feeling very heard over something that has really upset her, it might be best for her to give this type of thread a bit of a wide berth for a bit - until the tide changes a bit and there's more support?!

I would like to say that if SS act in a way that is not legal (it is the same for the police) the case is automatically thrown out and that LA brought into disrepute, so it is in the defendants favour, as distressing as it is. I would always say exert your legal rights without fear. The decent SW's do not like the 'fear' factor they hold that is not what they are about. They do their best to 'level out' the power dynamics of the relationship with families.

CILEE-i feel that it is to 'raw' (understandibly so) for some. There are times we all have to avoid some threads depending what is happening in our RL's. It is helpful to get a different POV but then the OP's should not get 'drawn in' to deep.

birds you have no idea how hard I try not to feel that way. The thing is at what point does the sheer volume of complaints against me count as enough evidence in itself. It is not one investigation it is one after the other after the other with no end in sight. The patronising way you are spoken toIt is walking down the street to hear the comments from people who have had XH's side of the story. It is having to leave your church because you are no longer welcome there because of what the congregation have been told. How would you feel if you were a complete pariah in an area you were not allowed to leave. Its the knowledge that anyone else could misinterpret any half heard conversation and add to the reports against you because of what you are told. Its the school reporting you because you questioned the validity of a particular piece of advice from the school nurse.

The only idiotic choice I made was choosing to marry my ex husband, I think I have paid the price with interest.

I did not chose to feel this way. When you are living in a situation where the truth seems to mean fuck all then reminding yourself you are innocent has little comfort. Of course logically I know that ice cream on dd's face while or immediately after eating some is not neglect. Remember I also know that haemorraghing during child birth is not child abandonment but that didn't stop a complaint did it? See knowing something is abuse does not mean it will not be reported as such, at least not in my life.

Birds - I can see what you are saying. I guess when you get that scared it's hard to let go of being scared to test out what could really happen. I think it's worse for xstitch with her MIL being a SW :(

A1980 - reporting that would have been entirely over the top. Plenty of parents shout the house down on occasion, it's a non issue.

Volume does not make a difference, it can make the case go the other way especially when from the same source (which the judge will know). They have to make an investigation each time (i explained why) but these do not 'add up'. It is not the complaints that matter but the outcome of the investigation.

All i am saying is that when we take 'ownership' and 'control' it does help (i am trained in CBT). Your case is difficult because the complaints are coming from the other parent (an nasty ex). Very little consolation but they will take the views of your DD from the age of around 10, so this hopefully will improve things. He won't have such a 'window on your world' in regards to your new baby and you not only being the one to have full parental responsibility (and still living with the person who shares it) will make it easier.

Birds - how would the 'abandonment' (haemoraging during childbirth) thing have got as far as it did when it was clearly malicious from the outset?

As i said on my earlier post, until the investigation is done the SS don't know if it is founded. The procedure for CP investigations is thorough so nothing is overlooked, these procedures are developed in answer to past mistakes (usualy fatal).

SS has to have told you why they were there - that is the whole point of the visit, to discuss the concerns with you and here your side.

They wouldn't have told you who called and they wouldnot have told the school or other collaterals about what the specific concerns were due to privacy laws but it seems ridiculous to think you dont' know why they came by malicious or not.

Mollymurphy-they would not have told the OP the nature of their concerns until the investigation was complete. The other agencies they contacted would instantly have some idea by the nature of the questions SS would ask. Once a safeguarding/CP concern has been raised there is information sharing on a 'need to know' basis which could include the safeguarding officer from the other agencies. The OP (as anyone would) then started to question herself. If a malicious complaint has been made of course the OP will not know why SS has turned up at her door. People post for comfort, to sound off and for advice/information. I think it is unfair when OP are questions on the reason behind them posting.

If you read my earlier posts i have explained why they cannot give any information to the OP until her DP had been spoken to. To be honest i think that it was a poor initial investigation because they did not know that the DC's father lived in the same house, unless this is well hidden.

'until the investigation is done the SS don't know if it is founded.'

As I am obviously thick. How could any investigation turn up anything that would suggest that haemoraging in childbirth was anything but accidental, I'm not sure its physically possible to deliberately haemorrage during child birth. How could a baby being with a neo-natal nurse or midwife (as I had the cheek to be unconcious I am unsure which) on the request of the consultant ever be seen as abandonment, how could it be seen as child endangerment. The original complaint did say where she was and that I was in theatre as the exact wording of the complaint came out. If expert medical staff can't 100% gaurantee women don't bleed then how can anyone?

xstich while you have my full sympathy and I think what has happened to you is horrible, would it be fair to say the problem is with your xmil rather than SS in general?

Xstich-not sure if that was directed at me. I was answering MM in my last posts. Just to make it clear that the OP wouldn't know and she had a right to post on it.

If it was directed at me. The SS cannot ask your doctor about your medical situation until they start the whole process of investigation, otherwise they cannot share that. The investigation cannot be done in bits and pieces there are steps (LA guidelines) by law that the SS have to adhere to. These steps are like a 'check list' to make sure that an overworked SW does not leave anything out. These steps also remove personal opinion (of the sW) from the process.

Most of the investigation is general (to all CP cases) and not personal, although i know that it feels like.

A SW could not have phoned your doctor and got the answers and decided to cclose the case. You would be more a risk if they could because if you reason it out if a SW was given that power it would be so easy to abuse. It is for your protection (as the accussed) that the procedure must be followed. Past SW practise was down to the individuals opinion/bias.

I would feel more confident as an accussed person that the law and guidelines had to be followed rather than a malicious judgemental SW could decide the nature of an investigation.

She is a big part of the problem marco but her colleagues support her in their nastiness to me.

The complaint was : She didn't care enough to hold her, she haemorraghed so the baby was taken away by staff while they operated. She abandoned her baby.

I can't take 'So you haemorraghed did you? Not very fair on your new baby who needed you? as anything other than personal and it wasn't my XMIL who said it.

From personal experience I have absolutely no faith in a legal system who backs up a bullying rapist and in many ways continues to support my continued suffering.

Was it an CP SW?