Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at someone phoning ss on me

432 replies

AuntiePickleBottom · 18/04/2011 20:58

i have no idea whom has, i think i am a good mum.

the social worker was lovely, and i am glad they did come even if this was a malicious phone call.

but i am so paroniod that someone is watching me now, i can belive someone would phone the ss on me

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 21/04/2011 21:43

Birdsgottafly, thank you for posting. My mum was a child protection SW for years and the stuff posted about Social workers on MN is so often wildly incorrect and damaging.

nulliusxinxverbax · 21/04/2011 21:47

Its not wildly incorrect if people have witnessed it with their own eyes though is it?

Just because you know one good, competent SW doesnt mean they all are.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 21:50

ENM-no i was asked if i would give a teenager accomodation overnight because there was not any available foster carers and the only unit available was really for children involved with addiction problems. It was a request from a different department, otherwise there would have been a duel interest/professional boundary issue. It was a case of a temporary family relationship breakdown.

EricNorthmansMistress · 21/04/2011 21:52

Goodness me!

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 21:52

My point was my house needs a good clean, my children had constant bruises from normal childhood play and were grubby from same play. I cannot honestly say that i have never raised my voice. We have had the same sleepless nights and been an emotional wreck at times as much as the next parent.

somethingwillturnup · 21/04/2011 21:57

Xstitch, not sure how long you could keep it up for, but I "disappeared" completely for 6 weeks last year with my children. If I hadn't come back, nobody would have known where I'd gone. The police did try and contact me, but only to the known address and phone number. I'm not sure how long it would have taken had I not returned but if I was in your situation I would've given it a shot. What you're going through sounds horrendous and hope you can keep it together until your DC is old enough to either make up their own mind about contact/crap they have to put up with from your ex's family, or until they have no automatic right to access.

xstitch · 21/04/2011 21:59

Can I just say that my grandfather was a SW and from what I knew of him he was a lovely one though I knew of him as family rather than professionally. It has not stopped me having a horrendous and ongoing experience.

I don't think anybody said all SW were bad. I know I for one pondered that good SW must hate the bad ones even more than their victims because they make their own job harder.

'My point was my house needs a good clean, my children had constant bruises from normal childhood play and were grubby from same play. I cannot honestly say that i have never raised my voice. We have had the same sleepless nights and been an emotional wreck at times as much as the next parent.'

So why are we 'told off' (for want of a better phrase) for things like one unwashed cup then? Why are we in a position where we are too scared to let our children experience normal childhood play for fear of bruises or the smallest speck of dust. How is this better for the children?

xstitch · 21/04/2011 22:01

I suspect XH's family would be able to persuade the police to try a lot harder, they have a lot of connections. One of the reasons I have no hope of ever getting any help from anyone.

nulliusxinxverbax · 21/04/2011 22:02

xstitch - because alot of them like bieng patronising old bints, trying to make themselves feel more perfect by critisising others. Some of them get off on their supposed power.

I agree with you on the few good ones bieng annoyed by others, in my experience there are a few good SW who get trampled on by their seniors and management, and made to go against their instincts by those in the ivory tower not the front line.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 22:04

If you are saying that the things that you have just mentioned have been taken into court to be used against you then i am dumbfounded. You can complain about how you are treated by SW and SS, you should never be 'told off'.

I think that it is often the case that people do not know their legal rights and how the law works. SS have legal duties towards even abusive/negletful parents and as much as working for SS i would always say to someone to get that advice and possibly seek an advocate if they are unable to deal with all that they have to.

xstitch · 21/04/2011 22:06

I trained and qualified in a profession. There are people in that profession who are a disgrace they way they behave and practice that profession. I get very angry at them for both dragging me down and for the damage they do to their patients. A lot of my similarly qualified friends feel the same. That is where I started to think that way.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 22:07

I will agree that there has been longstanding problems with SW management. It is always management that is critisiced in case reviews. I think training has improved as has recruitment, this needs to be realised by the public. Things have changed over the last five years, infact things change yearly.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 22:09

I agree but i wanted to point out that SS themselves did not create the laws and guidelines that they have to work under. What seems like common sense cannot always be done because it would be a sackable offence and in some cases would put children at risk.

xstitch · 21/04/2011 22:11

Yes birds a lot more was used against me in court as well. Some posters will know some of it but it starts me off crying again to rake it all up although I will say to most people (apart from couple of posters I have ended up arguing with) these things were not indicative of abuse or neglect.

I have sought legal advice, sacked my lawyer who did little to defend me in court tried to find another one. The advice from everywhere official, I have turned has been the same: 'You just have to accept it is the way things are going to be, you cannot appeal, you cannot complain'. The 'best' piece of advice was 'just don't upset your XH then he won't do anything to punish you'. Considering that just continuing to breathe tends to upset him this is not exactly possible.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 22:26

Its awful that all you can do is wait for your dc to grow up. I have been a lurker for quite a while, so know the background to some posters POV. I stumbled across MN when i was doing a piece of research. I started posting when i was reading more and more dangerous advice over CP issues. I also felt the need to post on benefit bashing etc threads.

I would like to see a walk in free legal advice organisation on children/family issues, similar to the welfare rights type organisations. Just to at least raise the confidence of service users and remove their fears.

DuelingFanjo · 21/04/2011 22:30

"Just because you know one good, competent SW doesnt mean they all are"

no - but some of the stuff people post about is wildly incorrect because legally there are only certain things a SW can do. Quite often oon Mumsnet they are accused of all sorts of things they just wouldn't be able to do.

Everytime I see a thread like that I speak to my mum and ask 'can a SW actually do that?' Most times she explains to me why they can't.

xstitch · 21/04/2011 22:31

I have another 10 years until dd is 16. I am pregnant now with my new partner and strongly suspect that XH will cause trouble out of spite so I will have to live like this for at least 16 years :(. It fills me with dread. It means he has managed to not only ruin my 20s but my 30s and 40s and some of my 50s if he is allowed. I suspect he will be allowed so that none of his rights are infringed.

nulliusxinxverbax · 21/04/2011 22:34

They may well not be able to do it, doesnt mean they dont.

For instance if you re read this thread, you will see I have posted about Health visitor telling me that if I show signs of depression after birth, they will take my child away, and that if I dont vaccinate my child its "a social services issue".

Utter rubbish. Dangerous lies. People getting WELL above their station. Didnt stop them saying it.
Anyway, I do accept your point though, and im sure there have been things posted that are exaggerations. But just because your mom, who is a good SW wouldnt do it, doesnt mean there arnt the dodgey ones who will go right ahead.

xstitch · 21/04/2011 22:35

Sadly duelling, some are so bad it doesn't stop them. ONe example is one of the mothers at school who works with SW. She stood in the playground and told other alphamums all about the difficulties of one of her charges. NO she 'can't' do this, it is breach of confidentiality but it didn't stop her. Thankfully one of those mums agreed with me and reported her to her boss. Sadly she got away with a slap on the wrist and handing the case to someone else. So just because they shouldn't doesn't mean they don't.

Remember it is only the decent ones who follow all the rules. People can be clever with their comments, when they are not recorded they cannot come back to bite them.

xstitch · 21/04/2011 22:36

oops X-post nullius

DuelingFanjo · 21/04/2011 22:40

Sorry - I mean legally they can't. People like your health visitor spoutig shit is not what I mean. As you say, they don't/can't actually do it.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 22:42

They cannot act in a way that is against the law because all CP cases go via a legal team, as i explained it is at least a three stage process. No SW holds as much power as they are often accredited with (by Service Users). The only wat that things will change is if people find the courage (towards HV's as well) to complain. I know that it is your word against theirs but still do it. I obviously work with MW and i am astounded about the impression that they have of SW and SS and the power that we hold. MW and police (infact all multi-agency workers) is changing.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 22:45

xstich- she wuld as well be put under supervision for a time period and had to go through a retraining programme. The breach of confidence will not go off her record and will block promotion.

xstitch · 21/04/2011 22:48

Another problem is birds some of your SW colleagues like to imply they can do more than they can. When you are in the situation the thought of complaining (even when you feel you have good reason to) is more terrifying than the investigation. There is the fear that the complaint will be seen as you trying to create a smoke screen and make them think of you as more likely to be guilty. In my case I fear that my XMIL would see it and then that would illicit another complaint against me as punishment.

I am basing this on years of experience of what this family has done to me and years of being on my own against the system. I feel totally dumped in it by everyone in authority and I don't see how anyone can blame me.

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2011 23:16

That is why i would like to see an independant advice centre for CP matters. It can be done in a way that will not put children at risk and would increase the confidence of the public which would make the whole process easier.

I know that this concerns CP but people often forget that other department such as paliltative care (which i once worked in) SW have a completly different reputation. People are grateful to be awarded a SW because it removes the worry. We need that balance in all areas of SW.