to be fuming at someone phoning ss on me

[AuntiePickleBottom]

i have no idea whom has, i think i am a good mum.

the social worker was lovely, and i am glad they did come even if this was a malicious phone call.

but i am so paroniod that someone is watching me now, i can belive someone would phone the ss on me

Social workers are used to dealing with people who have often had bad childhoods themselves and had social workers of their own as children. They are used to dealing with families in poverty with less than stable home lives. I think that a lot of the problems with child protection occur when social workers over identify with the mothers and assume that they have built up a good relationship/understanding with them. That's what happened in the baby P case. They got played by the mother. If you say what they want to hear and show due deference they are much more likely to be positive. When they go and investigate people who aren't used to dealing with them and are shocked and outraged at being investigated they IMO go on the offensive, and regard the people as 'uncooperative' when they challenge them. If you say 'Of course I feed them!' or 'I do the big shop tomorrow' rather than sitting demurely and listening to them lecture you in a patronising way, they take it as non compliance. They assume that you are lying, and react accordingly. They would actually prefer it if you broke down crying and said you were struggling to cope and they could 'help'. How many of the people on here who have been harassed by them could have left their child covered in chocolate when the social worker came to visit without being recorded as not providing proper care? Baby P's mother used it to hide the bruises. If you nod at the right time it's far more important to them than actually taking care of your child.

I don't know why 'a squalid house' is considered yto be an indicator of abuse.

i think social workers are likely to see the difference between an unhoovered house and animal and human faeces everywhere, rotting rubbish and generally neglected children

But they adapt their standards Jojowest. Dust and clutter and unhoovered carpets are enough in some areas, not in others.

'i think social workers are likely to see the difference between an unhoovered house and animal and human faeces everywhere, rotting rubbish and generally neglected children'

Maybe they can tell the difference but that is not what they would have you think when they are lecturing you and patronising you over one unwashed cup. Why don't the decent SW get irate at the bullies? surely they make their job harder.

ON MN you get Zero respect, if you are a parent, who has been traumatised by a ss investigation. Nothing you say or do makes any difference.
Elenor's post should hit home with the trauma, and the long term effects. But it seems to have no effect.

We all know that childrens welfare comes first. But the trauma on the parents, is downplayed. Never given any credit.

That is because people think there is no smoke without fire. Once you have been accused no matter how maliciously you are the scum of the earth, the lowest of the low with no hope of ever dragging yourself out of the gutter. The truth means fuck all because believing you to be guilty helps other feel superior to you.

I am horrified by some of the anecdotes on here.I think MNers need to think long and hard before they glibly advise people to phone SS over matters which are more lapses in parenting than abuse.

Thank you princessparty

Missed quotation marks, sorry.

Yup and in my case I never even had the ss as such we just have the disabled vhildrens team because ds is disabled pretty normal as things go.it was agreed by proffesionals that knew saw my son regulary that there was no reason to even begin to think he was at any kind of risk

Other than proffedional not providing the proper support eg physio ,Ot,equipment

I just wanted to add, I dont buy the social workers excuses over Baby P its a load of crap.

Covered bruises in chocolate? several times? Ive seen computer graphics of all the marks on Peter and she must have bathed him in it every day to hide them.

The mother played them did she? Oh and I heard them say she was "extremely manipulative".
Utter rubbish. Ive seen videos and recordings of this woman, she is backward and stupid not a master criminal. She was cooing over a bit of attention from a guy. They chose to let her off with stuff because she agreed to help another social worker with her training, by taking part. Why dont they just admit they didnt do their jobs properly?

Oblomov - I'm sorry - but that's just not true. I am disgusted at what xstitch, sardine, leonie, nimx and elenor (etc) have written. Some of the stories I have heard before, at least in part and it horrifies me that this goes on. I already knew why xstitch hadn't moved, I know her Ex & his mother are a nasty pair... I need no convincing. Their stories are all very upsetting and are only the tip of the iceberg. I'm actually really annoyed with your comments - generalising in that way is incorrect and not helping anyone. There are PLENTY of us on MN who have every sympathy for them and others and are very angry about how they have/are being treat. Who can see (& understand why) an investigation by SS can completely wreck a family... make them look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives and it is WRONG, it is DISGUSTING and NO, I DON'T believe there is no smoke without a fire

when I said that I wasn't referring to you I was referring to the people I have to meet here day to day in RL. You and many others have been lovely to me on here.

xstitch - don't ... that was NOT aimed at you, not at all!! It was aimed at Oblomov's post @14.24. Certainly, definitely, absolutely not you x

Chipping, I have seen threads where people who have been throught his thisd ordeal have not been 'that' supported on MN.
The belief is htta childrens safety must come first. And of course I too support that. But I still beleive that it is a totally different thing, thta I am requesting, saying that the parents need to be considered.
And peoples aregument against that is, oh well, better safe than sorry, better that the sw questions the parents, than miss a child being abused.
true. but SOME of the questioing, an even the actual implication of abuse, is something that the parent will never get over. the damge is severe.
But many of the sw'ers on MN can not accept this. and dismiss the damage done.
There have been many threads on this.

Oblomov - I have seen many threads too, some posters have been as you describe and some feel the same way as I do. I don't think it benefits anyone saying that all of MN will do or say xyz because it's incorrect and will stop people from posting their experiences and I think that's the last thing that this situation needs. We need to encourage people to share their experiences so that collectively we can get a better idea of what is going on out there, so that the SWs who are MN'ers can see how some of their 'colleagues' behave and so that as a group of people we can try to change the system. Also, it will hopefully stop people from calling SS over the stupidest things when they realise that (unfortunately) the affect it has on a family are immense and it's not something to be done lightly.

Together we can put people right - we wont let them dismiss the damage done :) x

Birdsgottafly = " i would rather be questioned than a child slip through the net."

I am afraid Chipping, this 'fight' is unwinable. Because you can not change thta mindset.
You can not explain to someone how truely awful it is, to even be accused of abusing a child.
It changes everything. Everyhting you think, everyhting you do.
But a SW, or some one Birdsgottafly, can not see that.
This is a conquest that can not be won. Impossible.

And there are threads and threads and threads about posters who have been wrongly accused. some awful stories. names are springing into my head, as a type.

Do you think birds words were comfort to x stitch ?
No, it made her worse for her. even more frightening. can you not see that ?

Mission Impossible.
Can not be fixed.

Oblomov

Of course I can see that birdsgottafly's posts (and not just hers) were hurting & upsetting xstitch - why on earth do you think or assume I don't?

Oh well, if it's not easy to fix we should just roll over and ignore it then?

Not my style I'm sorry!

You wont be able to change everyone's mind but there are people out there that have no idea that this goes on, that have no idea how bloody awful it is, that have no idea how much it can change someone's life and if me banging on about it stops even one person going through it then I will feel the effort was worth it. If it makes one person think before reporting someone for something stupid then I will consider it worth it.

I will also keep correcting people (like you) who say things like ON MN you get Zero respect, if you are a parent, who has been traumatised by a ss investigation. Nothing you say or do makes any difference. Elenor's post should hit home with the trauma, and the long term effects. But it seems to have no effect. We all know that childrens welfare comes first. But the trauma on the parents, is downplayed. Never given any credit

... because it is incorrect and it makes MN out to be 'one mind' when it is FAR from that.

I just want to point out (and most people I think know this already) there ARE SW out there who obviously have the common sense they are born with. Without outing myself, I was accused of abuse by my daughter. The police were involved, she wasn't allowed to come home from school, her father had to collect her and wait with her until someone had come here to explain this to me. I was told a social worker would visit to "hear my side of the story".

There was no story. I had a friend with me as a witness and when I opened the door to the SW she had to ask twice if I was the correct person. Well, duh. It was obvious from that moment she disbelieved the "other" version of events. I was obviously incapable of doing what I had been accused of and she took half an hour convincing me that she would speak to the police, make sure that there would be no follow up (no need), she would be closing the case and she would be having a word with my daughter and her father about the accusations. She could see I was physically unable to do what I was accused of. And she seemed very embarrassed by the fact she HAD to come and see me because of the accusation. It got to the point I was beginning to feel sorry for her, and I totally understood that they had to follow it up.

Xstich - I'm afraid in your situation I wouldn't give a flying fuck about the court order. I'd have "disappeared" long before now. I hope you manage to get through this, although even I'm having trouble seeing how and I'm the most optimistic person I know....

My sister had this. her neighbours reported a crying baby. luckily the ss quickly reassured her that it was fine. But how vulnerable did she feel? just had her first baby, feeding on demand, small flat, neighbours banging on wall. Appalling.
Forget it, apparently it happens a lot and because of utter hysteria in press of occasional horror stories, people feel good about "doing their bit".

Similarly, 30 years ago when I was 7, we were having lunch in a country pub and the police came and arrested my dad. They said that they had received a call from a local in the pub who had reason to believe my dad was IRA because of the way he was speaking. He is bloodywell Greek!!! Different but the same, every twat wants to be a hero.

'Xstich - I'm afraid in your situation I wouldn't give a flying fuck about the court order. I'd have "disappeared" long before now. I hope you manage to get through this, although even I'm having trouble seeing how and I'm the most optimistic person I know....'

Unfortunately that wouldn't solve the looking over the shoulder problem. I would be looking out for the police/authorities catching up with me and arresting me for kidnapping (I have been told that is what would happen). Then end result would be the same I would lose my dd. Not that doing what I am told has ever got me anywhere.

chipping, I think I better bow out. Before I get told to, like I have before.
I think you are wrong, to correct , people (like me). I can name you 6 posters, who have not been supported on MN, re similar. I await to hear from those , who have. I have not seen those threads.
You say thta I make out that MN is only one mindset. I never quite said thta. But the same threads get the same response. I have seen it many many times.

But like i said, best I bow out now. Before I get told what damage I'm doing, by a prolific poster, who likes to point this out !!

oblomov-i am a SW in CP. Part of SW training involves psychology and addresses the stress of an unfounded allegation on the accussed. As well as us being human and ordinary parents. I recently took a child overnight 'on an emergancy placement' because there wasn't any other accomodation available suitable for the child. If it had gone on to be two nights i would have had to have my house inspected. All day at work i panicked about having time to get home and clean, we do not live in pristine perfect houses. Many SW are single parents, working full time and the wages are not particulary high. Our children are not immune from problems.

One of my points was that the fear of SS is unfounded. The law has changed dramatically, children are not 'taken away' unless there is an immediate threat of physical harm. There is a whole legal process to go through, some are of the opinion that SW make it up as they go along. SS (in my LA) do their best to work with families and can only operate within the law, which they do not make.

Xstich took my posts to be directed at her but i was (as i said) pointing out why those that make referals to SS cannot be charged. We know the true picture behind the statisics.

Birds - you are a SW in CP and you took one of your own cases home with you??????? I am