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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married in a registry office, just DP and I, and not tell anyone beforehand?

129 replies

chrisonabike · 17/04/2011 17:31

DP proposed to me today. We've been faffing around the subject for a while, both feeling that we 'should' be married and I do want to have the same surname as 2yo DS.

Thing is, I don't like fuss and we're a bit skint. He's suggested that we book a registry office at the seaside town we're going to in June and just do it, he and I.

I've never seen myself in a white dress anguishing over corsages and table plans, it sounds like my personal hell. But even if we have a small registry office do and I invite my close family, DP feels like he has to invite his narcissistic and emotionally abusive nightmare of a mother and I would rather avoid nuptials entirely than be in the same room as her. My family would (probably) understand and are unlikely to be upset if we 'eloped'.

Has anyone done this? Would you recommend it or do you look back with a bit of regret that you didn't make a bigger deal of it?

OP posts:
Mumofaflump · 17/04/2011 17:35

Go for it! My mum and stepdad did, got married and informed the familys afterwards (I knew, but only on the actual day).

Step-dads family were fine with it. Mums are over-seas so they understood as well. Both mum and stepdad enjoyed the day much more as it was simple and un-fussy.

BikeRunSki · 17/04/2011 17:37

Do it. I know a few people who have, who wanted to be married rather than have a wedding. They just got witnesses from the street.

Meow75 · 17/04/2011 17:38

DO IT!

Even if your new fiancé (do you like the sound of that?!?!) didn't have toxic relatives, would you want the faff? That's a much more important question, imo. If the answer is still a resounding NO! then get off to yon seaside town in the summer and make honest men/women of each other!!

Good luck, whatever you decide. My mates did exactly this on Friday, the first anyone knew of it was the photos posted on Facebook which were taken by the registrar's assistant!! AND she wore a RED dress!!!!

bintofbohemia · 17/04/2011 17:38

Do it. We wanted to do this and in retrospect we should have! Grin

FAB5 · 17/04/2011 17:38

I would go for it and get 2 close friends or willing witnesses.

My friends eloped to Gretna Green and I suspect it was about wanting a small day just for them and no family stresses.

YANBU.

FlamingJamie · 17/04/2011 17:39

Friends of mine did this. They didn't tell anyone else they were married for a long time afterwards. I kind of envy them, as I don't like fuss and my wedding became a bit of a fuss-fest. I think that his mum was a little bit upset, but nothing too drastic.

I think that it's a great idea, but you must prepare yourselves for the fact that some people might feel upset and express that to you. That's not a reason not to do it, and only you know who that is likely to be (although sometimes people surprise you).

I take my marriage very seriously - am very happy to be married. But my wedding was not the most important thing to me. Mine became stressful because we did not stick to the small reg office-plus-meal we wanted because of guilt. In a way, I think if you try and please other people you end up pleasing no-one.

Sorry if this is a bit confused.

FAB5 · 17/04/2011 17:39

And congratulations!! Grin

moondog · 17/04/2011 17:39

We did this.
It was fine and everyone was happy for us and we have no regrets.

2and1ontheway · 17/04/2011 17:40

I wish I had done that - just us in a registry office. We are not religious and let my mother railroad us into marrying at her beloved local church, but she still wasn't happy because we did insist on keeping it small (immediate family and 2 best friends and their partners and children each), and she had verbally invited all sorts of extended family members without consulting us at all within hours of us telling her we were going to get married, and she had to un-invite them as it would have meant the kind of big wedding with guests you barely know that we both absolutely hate. So we compromised but still nobody was really happy, as we also felt we had "sold out" by marrying in church against our beliefs and nodding along with the rather oily vicar...

So I think do what you are both comfortable with, don't try to find a compromise that keeps his mum happy as she probably still won't be unless you do everything her way...

Just my opinion!

shesparkles · 17/04/2011 17:41

I did it almost like that-only our parents knew.
We had a fab relaxing day, and only a couple of people had their noses out of joint when they found out.

Go for it, I've never regretted it Grin

StayFrosty · 17/04/2011 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 17/04/2011 17:41

We did very similar.

No regrets at all.

Good luck whatever you decide.

CMOTdibbler · 17/04/2011 17:41

Do it, and get some Mnetters to be your witnesses ( I love those threads). By not having anyone you know there noneof your family or friends can take umbrage

Topspin · 17/04/2011 17:43

Congratulations! It's not unreasonable at all if that's what you want to do - go for it.

We did this last month and haven't told our families yet as we've been together a long time, the kids are older and it's just not a big issue. Might not tell them at all (no name-changing or rings involved!)

expatinscotland · 17/04/2011 17:44

We eloped. No regrets at all. Get someone to record it all and play it back.

mousymouse · 17/04/2011 17:46

Go for it. My family knew, my parents witnessed, but we had to get married and registrars office is a painless way to do it. I think it cost us 200£+ a meal out.

SparklyCloud · 17/04/2011 17:46

Aw go for it, it sounds perfect...your idea of wedding hell is mine too, I have never been interested in marriage but had I, it would be your way - do it!

Original poster
chrisonabike · 17/04/2011 17:49

Meow - fiancé, I haven't said that yet! sounds good Grin and yours is a good question. I think if my now future-MIL was a normal human, I'd consider a small do, but I'd probably still find it quite stressful.

DF's family will be really put out. I don't care tooooo much, I've tried hard for years to please them to no avail so I've given up TBH.

OP posts:
Original poster
chrisonabike · 17/04/2011 17:51

CMOT - you're right, it's all or nothing isn't it? Much as I'd like to have just my Mum there it's asking for trouble leaving everyone else out.

Witnesses.. I hadn't thought of that! I might need the Power Of Mumsnet after all! Eek.

OP posts:
Stropperella · 17/04/2011 17:53

I have done this - twice :) As did my brother (although he's only done it once :)) and our parents before us. It's almost become a family tradition. But then we all hate white weddings and making a fuss and wasting loads of money on a big "do", so everybody was happy. Go for it.

Original poster
chrisonabike · 17/04/2011 17:55

StayFrosty that's just it - I don't want to get into the "we're only having 30 guests.. but what about your cousin, he invited us his... and you can't ask Friend A and not Friend B... blah blah..." STRESS!

OP posts:
dollius · 17/04/2011 17:55

We did this. Had 18-month-old DS and I was pregnant with DS2 (they are now 6 and 4). The registry office provided the witnesses. We chose a beautiful, tiny village in Scotland that has particular meaning for us and stayed in a lovely country house hotel afterwards with DS. It was wonderful and romantic and I wouldn't change it for the world.

BUT, my parents were exceptionally put out and did not speak to us for three months afterwards. My mother was particularly vile when I spoke to her on the phone when we got home from it all. There were no congratulations, nothing from them. They still do not acknowledge our wedding anniversary. Frankly, I couldn't care less.

DH's parents, on the other hand, were lovely about it and even gave us some money so we could rent a cottage in Wales for a honeymoon afterwards (we were very broke at the time - the main reason for lack of wedding). I think they were just relieved we had bothered to do it at all!

So, while I don't regret it at all (my parents wanted big fancy do they could invite all their own friends to - nothing to do with what I wanted for my own wedding at all), you need to be certain you can cope with other people being unhappy about it.

everyspring · 17/04/2011 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chrisonabike · 17/04/2011 17:56

So, if a really close friend of yours did it / has done it, would you honestly not be put out?

OP posts:
everyspring · 17/04/2011 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.