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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get married in a registry office, just DP and I, and not tell anyone beforehand?

129 replies

chrisonabike · 17/04/2011 17:31

DP proposed to me today. We've been faffing around the subject for a while, both feeling that we 'should' be married and I do want to have the same surname as 2yo DS.

Thing is, I don't like fuss and we're a bit skint. He's suggested that we book a registry office at the seaside town we're going to in June and just do it, he and I.

I've never seen myself in a white dress anguishing over corsages and table plans, it sounds like my personal hell. But even if we have a small registry office do and I invite my close family, DP feels like he has to invite his narcissistic and emotionally abusive nightmare of a mother and I would rather avoid nuptials entirely than be in the same room as her. My family would (probably) understand and are unlikely to be upset if we 'eloped'.

Has anyone done this? Would you recommend it or do you look back with a bit of regret that you didn't make a bigger deal of it?

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 17/04/2011 19:02

I was one of Robino's MN witnesses... It was one of the loveliest weddings I have ever been to. And I've been to a lot of weddings!

exoticfruits · 17/04/2011 19:03

Sounds a really good idea to me. My nephew did it and then they invited family out to a nice meal a few weeks later.

robino · 17/04/2011 19:05

Belle! Hello. And thank you; for being a witness and your lovely comments. Did you know we now have a DD3 too?

lookingfoxy · 17/04/2011 19:11

If I ever got married thats the way I imagine I would do it, no fuss etc.

Btw, I live in a seaside town, i'll come and be your witness if its near me

schroeder · 17/04/2011 19:14

We did this-it was great, 2 friends as witnesses and that was it!

But, MIL nose was very out of joint, very upset and put a dampner on things for dh especially.

I don't regret it at all (and we've been married 14 years) like others have said though other people's reactions should be prepared for.

Congrat

Escallonia · 17/04/2011 19:16

re your question about friends being put out / cross. I think that if one of my very best friends got married like this I would only be hurt if other people were asked and I was not. ie the whole "A is coming so B must too" that you mention.

If very good friends got married in a very small way, just them or just parents, siblings and eg one best friend each then I wouldn't dream of being offended, just delighted for them!

People can be odd and take offence though, but that's their problem not yours. One bloke we knew very vaguely through friends of friends bumped into DH a few months after we got married and took him to task for not being invited to our wedding! Given that we didn't know his surname or his address and couldn't stand his wife we were utterly baffled that he had been offended.

Original poster

chrisonabike · 17/04/2011 19:25

It is a good excuse to have a right old knees-up at some point in the future. Obv I'll have to invite MIL to that but I can always get wankered grit my teeth and smile.

OP posts:

northerngirl41 · 17/04/2011 19:31

We did it - we had vvv small wedding with just my mum and dad, his mum and dad and our two best mates. We didn't tell anyone until the actual day itself, which was definitely the way to go. We got hitched and then went for a meal at a fancy restaurant and spent the night in a nice hotel. Afterwards we sent out wedding announcements to all friends/family which meant no one knew before anyone else and they all got told ASAP afterwards - this bit is an important element no matter what you do!!

I also had loads of people privately admitting to me they wished they'd done it that way too. I can't think of a single person who had a big wedding who's actually enjoyed the experience. It's so much stress and everyone seems to have an opinion about pretty much everything - you just can't win. Plus there's the added expense which is obscene when you consider that it really should be about being married, not getting married.

domesticungoddess · 17/04/2011 20:42

We did this and can recommend it. Just wore clothes we already had-skirt, cardigan and boots and had cake and a cup of tea in a tea shop after. Told our family and friends the week after. They were fine about it. I've always hated weddings-we both hated the idea, fuss, cost etc but have been together for nearly a decade and wanted to be husband and wife-we were trying for a baby at the time (by the time we got married I was pregnant with our DD).

Go for it.

Eve · 17/04/2011 20:44

We did this! Highly recommend and no-one was upset.

noodle69 · 17/04/2011 20:45

My husband and I went to the caribbean just the 2 of us and got married. It was great.

5inthebed · 17/04/2011 20:47

I did this, me and DH have just celebrated our 10th wedding aniversary :)

Go for it!

kaid100 · 17/04/2011 21:04

My parents had fairly different second weddings, my father a white wedding in a church with over a hundred people present, my mother in a registry office with 25 or so family. Having seen both, I knew I wanted a church wedding as it all seemed more meaningful- two trivial things put me off the registry office wedding: the registrar was wearing a namebadge, and there was a vending machine outside the wedding room which sold disposable cameras.

We had the worst sort of family selfishness before our own wedding. Five days before the wedding, my wife's aunt phoned my wife's mother and asked why they'd not really spoken much in years. There are different accounts of who said what next, but as a result of that conversation my wife's aunt, cousin and grandmother refused to go to the wedding even though none of it was anything to do my wife or me. Even with all of this, I'm glad we didn't go to Gretna Green with just two people for witnesses- it was well worth it for the people that did come and the day we did have, and even if I'd known the trouble that would happen I would still have had a church wedding.

LoveLeonardCohen · 17/04/2011 21:14

YANBU......this is what I ideally would like to do, but DP wanted a party and a bigger deal. You can always have a party later if you feel like it

lilyliz · 17/04/2011 21:19

thats what I did and it was great,no worries about who to invite and not invite.SIL and a friend of DH were witnesses,asked at the last minute. WE married on the thursday and had a party on the sat for everyone to attend,nobody minded.

bonkers20 · 17/04/2011 21:27

We eloped and it was perfect (for us!). Everyone understood. It was the best day of my life because it was just what we wanted. Me and DH and each of best friends as witnesses.
I didn't buy a new dress, just new shoes and a hat. DH just had new trousers. I had a small bouquet.

15 years on and I still joke that we don't have a proper dinner service because we didn't get married in the conventional manner.

Luckily I have three sisters, two of which had a full wedding so my family haven't missed out on that (Dad walking down the aisle thing etc). DH's family treated us to a lovely night in a hotel after the event.

It's your day and you should do as you wish.

chocolatelover1234 · 17/04/2011 21:27

Go for it. It's about you and your DP. Do it and enjoy every second.

My Auntie and Uncle did it and whilst a couple of family members were a little put out they soon came round and realized it's not all about the big white wedding and huge party.

When you look back on your wedding you will both be able to say it's exactly what you both wanted and not have a regret.

TheLimeFairy · 17/04/2011 21:33

We did this. I look back on my wedding day with no regrets. It was lovely, just DH, 3DCS and I. We told people the next day and without exception they were pleased for us.

If that is what would make you and DP happy rhen do it!

Elvisina · 17/04/2011 21:35

We did the Las Vegas thing. Just me, Dh, the registrar and Elvis! Booked it the day before for $250 (including dvd). DH's family were a bit upset but had to get over it. Mine were delighted for us. I was a bridesmaid for my best mate and found that really quite stressful so knew there was just no way I wanted the big 'do'. DH wasn't bothered either way so it seemed stupid to spend all that money on a day neither of us really wanted. The nice thing is people are often really interested when they find out how we got married. They ask lots of questions and often remark on how they would like to have had the same type of wedding. Ironically, you could say that our wedding gets talked about more often than other people's much more lavish dos (not that that matters but I find it quite interesting).

thisisyesterday · 17/04/2011 21:36

my mum works in a library, the registry office is in the same building.

a while back a couple came in and asked if anyone would be their witnesses. They got fed up to the back teeth of family interfering in their wedding, so they'd booked a holiday and had come to get married before jetting off!

my mum said they looked really very happy about the whole thing.

i can't of course comment on any repercussions, but personally i thought "good for them"!
it's up to you i reckon

JohnStuartMills · 17/04/2011 22:05

Oh, I wish I'd done that. Gone away, just the two of us I mean. I was married in church though to please my mom. Didn't mind doing that for her. We had immediate family only and for various reasons my MIL said she wouldn't come to the wedding. Unfortunately, she did come and was like a raincloud the whole time. It did add stress to our occasion. I so wish we had gone away to get married on our own (as long as it was in church my mom would have been relieved) and had a holiday at the same time.

If you do invite family, make sure you aren't seated beside MIL afterwards. Be surrounded guarded by your own friends/family. Let your DH deal with his mom.

If you do it by yourselves, have a gorgeous day. If everything goes well, you may only have one wedding. Don't let foul vibes ruin your celebration. The people who love you will be happy for your happiness and will understand your reasons.

p.s. she ruined a christening on us too.

LittleB · 17/04/2011 22:07

We did this, it was lovely. We'd already booked a gorgeous and romantic holiday cottage in cornwall and I wanted to share dd's name, (she was 11mths when we married). We asked 2 good friends to be witnesses and I told my sister, but the rest of close family we rang that afternoon from a beach in cornwall to say - we just got married! best thing we did, went to the beach afterwards for ice creams, very lovely and relaxing and all of our family were happy about it (some were pleased as there are various family conflicts which was one reason we didn't go for a wedding, that and money and it not really being our thing). We wrote some of our own vows and I wore beautiful pink and green silk top and skirt, dd in pink and green too, and I still wear my outfit for special occasions now - almost 5 yrs on. I have had comments from more distant cousins etc that there wasn't a big family get together but it doesn't bother us. Really your marriage is all about you as a family/couple and what you want to do, its your special day and you shoud do what would make you happiest!

Sirzy · 17/04/2011 22:12

If its what you want to do then do it. Its your days not anybody elses.

My uncle did it when he got married, he phoned us to tell us to meet him in the pub for his wedding reception!! I was put out by it - but I was only about 13 and he had always promised me I could be bridesmaid. None of the family hold it against him though, its what they wanted to do.

BiscuitNibbler · 17/04/2011 22:17

We went to Vegas and it was the best thing we could have done. No stress, no bending over backwards to suit everybody but ourselves, and the best bit was it was live on the internet so all our friends and family got to watch but from a safe distance!

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 17/04/2011 22:17

Our close friends did this, About 16 of us arranged to meet at a restaurant in town for lunch and they announced at the meal that they'd got married that morning and this was their 'reception do'. It was a good laugh.

Do it

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