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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married in a registry office, just DP and I, and not tell anyone beforehand?

129 replies

chrisonabike · 17/04/2011 17:31

DP proposed to me today. We've been faffing around the subject for a while, both feeling that we 'should' be married and I do want to have the same surname as 2yo DS.

Thing is, I don't like fuss and we're a bit skint. He's suggested that we book a registry office at the seaside town we're going to in June and just do it, he and I.

I've never seen myself in a white dress anguishing over corsages and table plans, it sounds like my personal hell. But even if we have a small registry office do and I invite my close family, DP feels like he has to invite his narcissistic and emotionally abusive nightmare of a mother and I would rather avoid nuptials entirely than be in the same room as her. My family would (probably) understand and are unlikely to be upset if we 'eloped'.

Has anyone done this? Would you recommend it or do you look back with a bit of regret that you didn't make a bigger deal of it?

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 18/04/2011 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Collision · 18/04/2011 10:50

Ruby - have you got any photos?

Chrisonabike - I think it sounds very romantic and you should do it.

As everyone knows you are engaged could you not plan a party for when you get back from your holiday/wedding. Everyone will think it is an engagement party but it will be your wedding party!!

Just drinks and nibbles in a pub or hall or something?

jaggythistle · 18/04/2011 11:15

i almost wish we'd done this. it was about getting married for us, not having . wedding.

our attempt at a small one ended up with 40 guests.

we managed to keep it quite low key with no big dance or anything but i am not a centre of attention type person so it freaked me out a bit! in hindsight both our mums would probably have been a wee bit sad to miss out. it was nice to see family from further away, we didn't have any horrors to avoid inviting though!

congratulations and hope you have a nice day together. :)

sausagesandmarmelade · 18/04/2011 11:16

You both do what you want to do...it's your wedding and neither of you want a big wedding with lots of fuss.

Original poster
chrisonabike · 18/04/2011 13:17

ruby thanks for posting your link, glad you got the day you wanted. I've decided to have a chat with my close family about it today just to make sure that no-one is going to be put out.

Wondering if I'm being a bit unreasonable to tell them but not DPs family beforehand. They're going to give us grief either way

OP posts:
eggsit · 18/04/2011 13:31

We did it. Decided on the Tuesday, paid £70 for a 'quickie' licence, told a couple of mates to have Friday off and went to the pub after. Then told parents that we were married and they could expect a grandchild in 5 months time!
Perfect way to do it.... no fuss, no bother, no expense (£200 tops).

Original poster
chrisonabike · 18/04/2011 14:38

oops, I appear to have bought a dress Grin

OP posts:
everyspring · 18/04/2011 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dawntigga · 18/04/2011 16:16

YANBU we will either get married in Vegas at a drive thru or rock up to the registry office in jeans and t-shirts should we ever get around to it.

DidIt'Properly'TheFirstTimeAndWon'tBeBotheringAgainTiggaxx

grandmaagain · 18/04/2011 16:58

as a mum i would be broken hearted not to see my dds marry, my sils are adorable and to not have been present at their weddings would have been awful! have as quiet a wedding as you like but don"t leave your mum out.

goingwiththeflow · 18/04/2011 17:10

I did that .. we booked a registry office in a meaningful place to us , in the middle of december , knee high snow and woolly jumpers , grabbed some friends as witnesses on the way ... got hitched had a pub meal and a night in a great hotel .. and called in and told family and everyone else on the way home the next day! .. a bit selfish perhaps but it was def our day and it still makes me smile (and it was paid for , no debts, no pressure to have a fantastic time for all ..and no seating plans etc etc ) do whatever YOU want to do , not what is EXPECTED ..congrats and good luck !

eggsit · 18/04/2011 19:45

Everyspring - I'm almost sure we were in and out within a week! But we did have to pay double the fee!
It looks like it's changed - there doesn't seem to be an expensive option for those-who-are-truly-desperate-and-may-change-their-minds-if-they-don't -do-it-now any more! Grin

eggsit · 18/04/2011 19:47

My friend buggered off to Kenya and had two biddies from the hotel as witnesses. The sun shone.

Teenytinytoes · 18/04/2011 20:22

My brother did this. I felt gutted tbh about not being invited and still do if I'm honest. I think it was compounded by their friends being invited to be witnesses, but family not even being told beforehand. I am religious though so the ceremony itself (even if a non-religious one) seems most important, I think because of the idea of declaring your relationship to a community.

I do wish you well but hope you can handle it all with sensitivity. It seems very sad to me that you have such a poor view of your MIL. No doubt she warrants it but still seems so sad to me.

Original poster
chrisonabike · 18/04/2011 21:18

Teenytinytoes - that's why we won't have anyone we know there; no friends or family. I can appreciate that to somebody religious that statement sounds a bit sad, but I am not religious and to me the 'ceremony' is just a formality. The lifetime of partnership is the wonderful bit for me.

I wish I got on with my MIL too. Unfortunately she has a major personality disorder. DP would be right at home on the 'Stately Homes' thread, sadly :(

OP posts:
anniepanniepears · 18/04/2011 21:23

We did this
no regrets
did not want any fuss

vvviola · 18/04/2011 21:44

We kind of took both options... At 7 months pregnant I got completely hormonal and freaked out when the hospital told me (then)DF would not be my next of kin and would have no rights if something happened to me (good old Ireland and unmarried parents). Despite having booked church, hotel, everything for the following year, we decided to elope.

We had a lovely ceremony in Belfast (hopping across the border to get married felt very romantic!). My parents were our only witnesses. We had a lovely weekend at a hotel before, I bought a cream tent dress, got my hair done and had a little corsage. We all went for a lovely lunch afterwards, and then my parents put us up in a local hotel for the night. We told DHs parents (other side of the world) by phone beforehand. They weren't exactly thrilled, but understood our reasoning.

The church wedding (the religious part was very important to me, so it meant a lot to me to do it) took place almost exactly a year later.

Both were lovely in their own way, and even though the elopement was only for practical reasons, I'm glad that we made a bit of an effort for it, and there are a few very nice pictures too.

PutOnThePan · 18/04/2011 21:53

Congratulations, COAB!

Now, let's see the dress-efficient shopping btw!

Isthis a welsh seaside town that you might need a stranger tossing rice at?!

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 18/04/2011 21:58

Pic/link to pic of dress please Grin

NinkyNonker · 18/04/2011 22:03

Hell, I had a lovely wedding, but if I was doing it again I'd be sorely tempted to do this.

nightowlmostly · 18/04/2011 22:07

I had exactly the same situation as you, I would have liked my close family to come but DH doesn't get along with his too well, so we just did it in secret then told everyone after. Much less stress, I would recommend it to anyone!

Never mind if people would be upset, it's one thing that really is just about the two of you, sod everyone else.

Northeastgirl · 18/04/2011 22:28

My sister in law did this and my MIL was upset, not nasty about it, but sad to miss her only daughter's wedding. I think you can have a small, no fuss wedding without lots of people there. We had 16 for lunch at a nice hotel after our wedding in a small chapel. Lunch was the daily special £14 per head and my dress was white but sold as a bridesmaid dress so cost about £150. It felt very special, but wasn't expensive and there was no fuss about seating plans, speeches, gift lists etc.

Yes it's your choice how to get married, but I think some people may be hurt not to come and enjoy your big day with you, so I wouldn't discourage you from a private do, but you do need to consider if you're OK with how people may react

Original poster
chrisonabike · 19/04/2011 08:50

I've ordered this frock to try on. I haven't bought anything from Miss S since I was about 16 so am fully prepared to return it if it looks like a rag. Grin It hopefully ticks my boho boxes without too much of a whiff of patchouli. I reckon it might look good with my Grandmother's pearls.

I could never carry off the Valentino in the link back upthread, beautiful as it was. Plus I only have about £50 and some change :)

OP posts:
Original poster
chrisonabike · 19/04/2011 08:51

PS it'll be in Exmouth if anyone has an hour to kill around there in early June.. Wink

OP posts:
breathing · 19/04/2011 08:53

I think thats another thing that runied it for me. We just went "as is" and didnt have any special clothes or anything. That dress looks lovely Grin