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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at news report on stillbirth.Grrrr

69 replies

pink4ever · 14/04/2011 17:22

Just seen a report on the news that has made me want to kick the fecking tv in. About stillbirths(women lost her daughter at 25 weeks). Mentioned that stillbirths can be caused by smoking,drinking and being over weight in pregnancy. I know this is true but they can also happen to people like me who dont smoke,drink etc(lost 2 babies at 24 and 28 weeks).
Am I bu because this has made me really angry. Women often blame themselves after going through this anyway(well I know I did,felt like a freak and a failure). Please tell me to get a grip.I know that stillbirth is something that needs to be highlighted but its still upsetting.

OP posts:

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 14/04/2011 17:24

Of course you are being U, they told the truth.

But you;re allowed to be unreasonable about it.

Greythorne · 14/04/2011 17:30

You are not BU at all.

All these reports have made me see red, too.

One more thing to put at the door of imperfect mothers. Ffs.

My DSis lost a baby at 40 weeks. It was devastating for her and her DH s well as for the wider family. She has never smoked, never drunk alcohol whilst pregnant, is slim, eats well and is a middle class professional. But after the loss she (a) blamed herself and (b) felt idiots people around her were searching for an explanation, someone / something to blame. Well this report encourages that.

I have not spoken to my DSis today but I imagine she is feeling like shit after these reports.

pink4ever you are not BU and I am so sorry for your losses.

foreverondiet · 14/04/2011 17:31

Yes you are being a little U, because these things (and others) do cause stillbirths. Of course you are entitled to be unreasonable but actually think that blame might be worse if the woman WAS (say) overweight as then she could feel guily about that whereas someone like you would have no reason to blame herself.

worraliberty · 14/04/2011 17:31

YABU The truth shouldn't be hidden...that's why so much time and money is spent on research.

Sorry for your loss though

stealthcat · 14/04/2011 17:32

It is true though, that there are things that can increase the risk of stillbirth. Do you think that these shouldnt be spoken about, and so deprive other pregnant women of the chance to avoid things that might increase the risk?

FAB5 · 14/04/2011 17:33

What annoyed me was on the ITV news the newscaster mentioned still births then called them cot death. Completely different things.

deardoctor · 14/04/2011 17:33

YABU. The report in the sun was really short - it said about the still birth statistic and then the only other bit was stillbirths are caused by obesity, maternal age etc. etc. Basically the way the article was constructed implied that the UK stillbirth rate was so bad because UK women are old fat smokers.

I know a lot of people who have had late miscarriages and stillbirths. None of them have been old fat smokers. Most of their stillbirths were no known reason or knot in cord or placental problems. I know of plenty of heroin / crack users and 40 a day smokers who have had lovely healthy babies. I think the UK stillbirth rate is so bad because

The last scan for most is at 20 weeks; there are no further scans to monitor growth / presentation etc.
There is no routine monitoring of placental function by doppler scan at 24 weeks.
There is no routine blood testing for immunity to certain diseases such as toxoplasmosis / CMV etc.
There is no routine blood testing
There are not enough midwife appointments.

They are being VVVVU to make it sound like its all the mums fault. It certainly wasn't my bloody fault.

carocaro · 14/04/2011 17:35

just the stupid media, like to report the scary/shit end of the stick so to speak, after all it would not make 'news' report if they just said it could happen as easily to anyone else. don't watch the news anymore because of this type of reporting. sorry for the loss of your babies. people can be insensitive tosspots, when I m/c at 3.5 months a surgeon came in and picked up my charted and asked me if I was the patient who'd had a 'spontaneous abortion' (another medical term for it apparently) I was astonished and when a nurse find me crying she told me he was a total humanless dickhead but you'd want him doing your surgery as he was excellent.

deardoctor · 14/04/2011 17:36

The truth is a cause is never found in 50% of cases - and that's not bloody good enough either (it's because there is a lack of neonatal postmortem specialists and lack of decent guidance for parents re post mortems).

lostlady · 14/04/2011 17:37

YANBU, I thought the same thing. Thankfully this has not happened to me, but has to a few people I know, none of whom fit the description on the news, in fact, when I think about it, they were all quite the opposite. I appreciate behaviour/choices may cause things to go wrong in some cases, but I did feel that the emphasis appeared to be on that, not on it just being a terrible thing that can happen to anyone. I am not surprised you were upset.

eeyore2 · 14/04/2011 17:39

What an awful thing to happen to you, I'm sorry for your losses. Go ahead and be annoyed with the TV report, unreasonable or not. If it makes you feel any better I don't think anybody who you know or talk to thinks that you were responsible for your stilbirths, they most likely just feel very sad on your behalf and impressed that you are getting through it.

TheSecondComing · 14/04/2011 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Insomnia11 · 14/04/2011 17:47

I listened to Radio 4 this morning and heard the terrible story of a woman who suffered a still birth and said she was healthy weight and didn't smoke or drink, but not reason was given as to why the baby had died, even after a post mortem and she said she wanted answers - all sounds very reasonable to me.

I was very surprised to hear that there are more still births in the UK than almost all other developed countries and that there are ten times more than cot deaths - 11 a day.

I thought it was very well reported, no 'blaming women' at all and that more research needs to be done/more needs to be known about this given all the hoo-har about cot death when it is relatively so rare.

takethisonehereforastart · 14/04/2011 17:51

YANBU.

They do have to highlight these things as causes of stillbirth if they want to prevent the stillbirths that are caused by them BUT they also need to make it very clear that the majority of stillbirths remain unexplained at this time and that further research and care is vital to find out why and prevent those from happening if possible.

My sons stillbirth was never explained to us, the doctor informed us that they had no idea what caused his death and that we were in the majority of parents left with no answers.

I don't smoke, I don't drink, I wasn't overweight and was doing everything I should and not doing anything I shouldn't. I was as careful as possible and had no signs or symptoms that anything was wrong. I wasn't too old or too young. It was a total shock to us and still now I feel a need to know why us that will never be explained.

But nobody wants to be told that stillbirth can happen to anybody, I wouldn't have wanted to hear that before it happened to me. YANBU to want them to explain it properly and in greater depth, to get it right, but I doubt it's a message they truly want to give in full because people will get scared and complain.

cordyblue · 14/04/2011 17:52

Oh I will try and avoid that news entirely then. I had a stillbirth at 24 weeks and am young, fit, healthy... but still blame myself entirely. We had a PM, but no known cause. We then almost lost our next pregnancy as that had a true knot in the u/cord and I had been induced - so we almost had two still births for two different reasons. But a lucky c/section saved DD2.

You are not BU at all!!!! Biased reporting from the sounds of it.

(But I had to be physically held back by by DH from punching a women who was smoking while pregnant when I was pg with DD2. I was so incredibly stressed about the pregnancy and having lots of scans, etc and there she was SMOKING outside the hospital. That needs to be stopped, but not at the alienation of women who have had still births and done EVERYTHING right and still carry the guilt around with them every single day of their lives that they couldn't carry and deliver a perfect child, and that their own bodies failed them).

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2011 17:54

I think caused by smoking, drinking and fat is too strong. Contributing factors maybe. As everyone has pointed out, some people do everything 'wrong' and have healthy babies and some do everything 'right' and have tragedies.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 14/04/2011 17:59

My daughter's stillbirth (32 weeks) was caused by IUGR for no known reason (not smoking, drinking, weight or any other clear factor other than the fact she was a twin). This current pregnancy isn't going very well, and is showing signs of IUGR. I'm doing everything right again, but it just isn't something I can change. My babies don't like to grow properly :( .

I've avoided the news reports as I find it all too upsetting, but please remember that, even though those things can be a factor, what happened to your babies was not your fault. Blaming yourself won't help anyone, and assuming that others are blaming you won't either.

Very sad though, I wish something could be done. Please keep your fingers crossed that this baby I'm carrying stays alive and healthy. :)

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 14/04/2011 18:00

YANBU
I was also upset by this report I've never had a stillborn and TBH always thought it was extremely rare, but apparently there are 11 per day in UK
I'm pg ATM and ignorant to this fact I'm now terrified of having still born.

tiktok · 14/04/2011 18:13

I heard the reports, too. I thought 'there will be women who have had stillbirths who will find this so upsetting'....and I know this is going to be unavoidable :(

The reports were not judgemental - they were factual. We have to have information in order to support pregnancy better - smoking, drinking and weight issues are factors so lets work out ways to help women reduce their smoking, drinking and their weight. It was made quite clear that in many cases, there is just no apparent reason why the baby died, and there are no risk factors present at all.

I thought it was very useful for the listening public to know that stillbirth is 5 times more common than cot death - but it simply does not get the same publicity. It's a hidden tragedy.

I also think that women who smoke, drink and are overweight need consideration too - we should not be dividing bereaved mothers into those who are not deserving of 'blame' and those who are, as if somehow smokers etc were less worthy of compassion :(

My friend's sister is overweight and she lost her first baby. She grieved just as much as anyone else would :(

meditrina · 14/04/2011 18:17

I have just seen the report on the main BBC 6 O'Clock News.

They said very clearly that in most cases, stillbirth occurred in healthy, low-risk pregnancies and therefore more research was needed as it was not something that could be tested for.

It did mention the lifestyle risk factors, but I was left with an impression of a more thoughtful piece (I didn't see this earlier, so I don't know of it has now been edited differently) about a very sad issue. They interviewed a bereaved mother whose baby daughter had died following a knotted cord.

And they have activated the BBC helpline number (free from landlines) which they displayed after the item, saying they would provide contact points for organisations which could help - SANDS, I hope.

TryLikingClarity · 14/04/2011 18:21

I didn't see the report, but I don't think you're being unreasonable.

It's a bit like the way they report on cot deaths, infertility etc.

You could do everything perfectly and have a tragedy, or take all the possible risks and still deliver a healthy baby at 40 weeks.

deardoctor is that common practice in England to not have another scan after 20 weeks? I've only had one baby so my knowledge is quite limited. However, I had my DS in NI and I also got a scan at 32 weeks and 36 weeks to make sure baby was growing right and to estimate due date and weight. I don't have high risk factors - I was 24 at the time, BMI of 25, non-smoker etc.

I'm sad to read of the losses some of you have had :(

HalfTermHero · 14/04/2011 18:32

YANBU. I am lucky enough not to have been affected by stillbirth but I nevertheless felt very annoyed when I read a similar article on this subject earlier. It did seem to suggest that in many cases women were to blame for the outcome. The danger is that stupid people will take this message away from the current news coverage

caramelwaffle · 14/04/2011 18:39

The reporting of this is biased towards the "blame the woman" line in most cases.

Infuriating!!

Flowerpotmummy · 14/04/2011 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Innishvickillaune · 14/04/2011 19:04

I am going to be FLAMED for saying this but tiktok, I know you've been helpful to many women with ref to bfing etc but I think that your posting style is sometimes infuriatingly "all knowing".

This line: "We have to have information in order to support pregnancy better - smoking, drinking and weight issues are factors so lets work out ways to help women reduce their smoking, drinking and their weight."

Or let's just... not. Let's just realise that actually these are complex, multifactorial issues that are often associated with poverty and other social issues and that there simply isn't enough evidence in this case, and that the damage done to any mother who is already struggling with the immensity of loss actually outweighs some cod science.

Let's think some more about the screening issues and differences in antenatal care between here and other countries with lower stillbirth rates before telling women, yet again, that their behaviour is the thing that will make their child healthy or unhealthy, live or die.

If that also happens, then bring on the lifestyle discussion. But trotting out this type of coverage when it is so hurtful and there isn't the evidence to show it would make ANY difference isn't going to be supported by me, I'm afraid.

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