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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let this really annoy me, although its not really my business what they do..

69 replies

Abitblegh · 14/04/2011 08:53

Okay so this has been really bugging me for a while.

My SIL has 2DC age 4 and nearly 1. From age 2 SIL has sent DS1 to nursery 3 days a week (up to 4 1/2 now) and since getting pregnant with DS2 they employed a "Nanny" for a 2 days a week, now when DS2 is 1 he is being sent to nursery 3 days a week 9-5 which is when DS1 will start full time school.

Soo I know its up to them what they do with they're children, but, i am so fed up of hearing from MIL that she has it soooo hard and we should all feel really sorry for her.

I have 2dc age 2.5 and 4 and have never had any help other than a morning with only one child every couple weeks from family, DS1 goes to pre-school 2 mornings a week. I like spending time with them, they are only young once!

I refuse to feel sorry for her as i think its just lazy parenting and she shouldn't bother to have children if she just wants to pack them off here there and everywhere!
If she worked then that would be fair enough - but she doesn't and in her words 'Never will'!

she lives 30-40 miles from family so its not that.

I think i'm quite likely to be being U. I'm just fed up of "ohhh poor SIL she does have it hard"

AIBU to be so grrr at this?? Angry

OP posts:
GeekCool · 14/04/2011 08:55

she shouldn't bother to have children if she just wants to pack them off here there and everywhere!

I hate that sentence

AxisofEvil · 14/04/2011 08:56

You?re not exactly going to win friends with phrases like these:

"she shouldn't bother to have children if she just wants to pack them off here there and everywhere!"

diddl · 14/04/2011 08:57

I think I´d tell MIL that you disagree & don´t want to talk about it tbh.

Up to SIL what she does.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 14/04/2011 08:58

she might not have much confidence, or have depression, or any number of reasons not obvious to you; MIL saying she has it so hard might be referring obliquely to issues you are not privy to

dearyme · 14/04/2011 08:58

she shouldn't bother to have children if she just wants to pack them off here there and everywhere!

agree but some people do

i would not let it bother me to be honest, as long as you spend time with your own kids, thats your only priority

ScarlettWalking · 14/04/2011 08:58

You are going to be roasted

but I kind of see your point...

ruuuns

edam · 14/04/2011 08:59

'oh poor SIL she does have it hard' is irritating but SIL is entitled to make whatever arrangements suit her and BIL and their kids. Have you ever worked out why MIL says this?

That amount of childcare for a SAHM does sound a bit odd but maybe she is depressed, or has some other reason you aren't privy to.

wigglesrock · 14/04/2011 09:01

Personally I'm jealous she can afford it Grin So she has 2 children, the youngest is going to nursery 3 days out of seven when the eldest starts school and she has a nanny to help out now. Half her luck seriously, what's it got to do with you. I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 8 week old I'd love some help and if we could afford it I would certainly get it.

Original poster
Abitblegh · 14/04/2011 09:02

Yes a roasting is quite likely Grin

Axisofevil i'm not looking for "friends" Just opinions.

OP posts:
roundthehouses · 14/04/2011 09:02

how offensive. how is wanting some time to herself while giving her kids time with other kids/ in another environment = lazy parenting?

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 09:04

I understand what you mean. I posted on here about my SIL and all the help she gets and the fact that I get none.

I have gone literally years without a couple of hours to myself (apart from when asleep) so don't feel sorry for people who have babysitters or send their kids to nursery.

SeymoreButts · 14/04/2011 09:05

What's bothering you? Is it that her kids go to nursery, or that MIL says she has it hard? Why does MIL say that?

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 09:06

roundthehouses It's not just "some time" though is it it's half the week for one child, full time in school for the other and a nanny for the rest of the time.

stillfrazzled · 14/04/2011 09:07

Gosh, when I'm working DS1 spends a day with his GPs, a day with his daddy and three mornings in childcare. Should I have not bothered to have him, too?

On mat leave now and he's still going to nursery three mornings a week so I can get a rest and some time with DS2. What an evil bitch I am.

Obviously, YABU. Can appreciate the pity party grating on you, agree the nanny sounds unusual, but honestly, how can you say that children who spend more time with their mother than not are being packed off 'here there and everywhere' and she shouldn't have had them?

Am trying to give benefit of doubt and assume there's more to it, this is a last straw of some kind and that you're actually a nicer person than your OP sounds.

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 09:11

I don't think OP means literally means her SIL shouldn't have had her children, just that she doesn't understand why she is sending them off to other places so much and why her MIL feels sorry for SIL.

Have you asked MIL why SIL finds it hard?

Indiestarr · 14/04/2011 09:12

I would say YANBU. It's not neccessarily your SIL's fault, as she is perfectly entitled to have whatever childcare arrangements personally suit her as long as she's covering the cost and nobody else is being put upon. I would agree that things sounds pretty cushy for her, and that's fine, but if your MIL is repeatedly asking you to feel sorry for her that must really grate. It would certainly irritate me!

TheFallenMadonna · 14/04/2011 09:14

Why does your MIL think she has it hard?

TheFallenMadonna · 14/04/2011 09:15

And are you annoyed with your SIL or your MIL?

Bottleofbeer · 14/04/2011 09:15

My SIL is fairly new to the country, she's got a 15 year old and a 3 year old and is on antidepressants because she finds it hard to cope with her kids as in her culture kids are kind of the whole extended family's responsibility. Mind you she worked away pretty much the whole of her elder daughter's life so this is her first real experience of actually looking after her own children. Part of me understands it's a whole different culture, part of me thinks she chose this, suck it the flip up.

To me, she's got it easy but it's all new for her.

Original poster
Abitblegh · 14/04/2011 09:16

Like i said that if she were working then it would be different instead of just staying at home or wondering around the shop etc etc.

Ok so the not bothering having children was a bit harsh sorry!
As plopplop said it not just sometime its all week! Thank you.

It doesn't bother me that SIL uses a nursery as that's what they are there for. The pity party as you put it is what bothering me.

I like to think i'm a nice person frazzled

OP posts:
Asinine · 14/04/2011 09:16

Lots of people have similar childcare arrangements and you are getting annoyed because you are taking it personally due to MILs comments. It doesn't matter what they do, think or say. Just enjoy your kids, like you said, they are only young once, and every moment you spend getting annoyed about other people's choices is time wasted.

If MIL pushes for your opinion about SIL just say something like "She must feel differently to me, I love having mine all the time, I don't find it hard at all."

Vallhala · 14/04/2011 09:17

YABU. I'd go so far as to say jealous and unpleasant about it too.

You say that "she lives 30-40 miles from family so its not that" - do you mean that she doesn't live too far from family to ask them to help instead of employing a nanny and nursery? Because if so and she instead took advantage of offers of help from family (assuming they were forthcoming) I'd imagine that you'd still criticise her.

Or are you saying that she's not employing childcare help in order to see her family because they live 30-40 miles away?

Is this woman not allowed a life of her own?

Maybe MIL knows more about the situation than she is telling you because it's not your business and SIL isn't answerable to you and this is why she considers that "Poor SIL has it so hard".

Either way, YABU and it's none of your business what SIL does with her DC unless she's ill-treating them or asking you to pay for their childcare.

exquisiy · 14/04/2011 09:18

we never know the exact reasons why someone has to do what we consider lazy parenting. I often would like to know but then I am very nosey hence being on MN!

Reality · 14/04/2011 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 09:21

Vallhala huh?