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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let this really annoy me, although its not really my business what they do..

69 replies

Abitblegh · 14/04/2011 08:53

Okay so this has been really bugging me for a while.

My SIL has 2DC age 4 and nearly 1. From age 2 SIL has sent DS1 to nursery 3 days a week (up to 4 1/2 now) and since getting pregnant with DS2 they employed a "Nanny" for a 2 days a week, now when DS2 is 1 he is being sent to nursery 3 days a week 9-5 which is when DS1 will start full time school.

Soo I know its up to them what they do with they're children, but, i am so fed up of hearing from MIL that she has it soooo hard and we should all feel really sorry for her.

I have 2dc age 2.5 and 4 and have never had any help other than a morning with only one child every couple weeks from family, DS1 goes to pre-school 2 mornings a week. I like spending time with them, they are only young once!

I refuse to feel sorry for her as i think its just lazy parenting and she shouldn't bother to have children if she just wants to pack them off here there and everywhere!
If she worked then that would be fair enough - but she doesn't and in her words 'Never will'!

she lives 30-40 miles from family so its not that.

I think i'm quite likely to be being U. I'm just fed up of "ohhh poor SIL she does have it hard"

AIBU to be so grrr at this?? Angry

OP posts:
Vallhala · 14/04/2011 09:23

Plop huh?

:o

dearyme · 14/04/2011 09:24

Denise from Royle Family springs to mind :)

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 09:24

Reality That must be annoying! How does she have the cheek to say it's hard looking after her dc all day when they are with other people 5 days a week?!

My FIL always comments on the things that need doing around my house. He also compliments my SIL on her house all the time. The difference . . . that he looks after SIL kids several days a week every week and mine once a year for an hour and then moans about it.

Original poster
Abitblegh · 14/04/2011 09:25

I'm more annoyed at MIL TBH as i said in OP its up to them what they do and its not really my business.

What i'm saying is that i find it offensive as some others would on here that have no help/childcare and are expected to feel sorry for someone that gets all the help in the world and AIBU for not feeling sorry for her?!

No there isn't any reasons why she can't look after them. I would know if was our DHs are very close brothers. Like she would me.

OP posts:
PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 09:25

Vallhala huh?

This could go on all day. Just read your post a few times and couldn't understand it. Probably me having morning brain. Later I'll have afternoon brain and then evening brain.

Pesha · 14/04/2011 09:26

I think YABU but I can understand your fruustration. My SIL always seems to have her family looking after her dc, she leaves them with her mum to go shopping or to have a rest or for any other reason she can think of. Then she moans about how hard she has it and how tired she is.

Our dc are the same age only I also have a 10 yo dd and we are both pg. I don't get help from my family and don't ask for it. I don't mind her getting help, if I had my family offering help I might well take them up on it, I'd certainly love my mum to come and help me with housework like her mum does!! (I should say my sister is coming over this morning to sit with my dc for an hr while I go to physio so I am getting some help and I'm very grateful for it!). But I do get mightily pissed off hearing about how tough it is for her and how exhausted she is and constant FB updates moaning about how hard it is looking after her own children. But I also have a whole heap of other issues with her so I do tend to find a lot of things she says and does very annoying as its yet another thing on top of everything else!

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 09:26

OP - No I don't think you are being unreasonable to not feel sorry for her.

LoveLeonardCohen · 14/04/2011 09:27

OP what is it that you are feeling really? Do you feel resentful with SIL? Or neglected by MIL? Or do you feel a bit envious?

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/04/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 14/04/2011 09:30

I find it a bit Hmm too but I also know that some people find the reality a massive shock...they jus can't cope as well as others who finnd it a great experience.

Atleast they're being well stimulated. Does MIL maybe know soemthing you don't? Is SIL depressed?

Reality My mate's like that...perfect house, perfet garden and 2 toddlers in nursery half the week!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/04/2011 09:33

I kind if agree with you OP. Childcare while working is different. I work so DD goes to nursery or grandparents. And I sort of get why you might out your child in a nursery one or two days a week if you are a sahp, for their benefit and to give you a break, fine. But I can't understand someone who has children then has someone else looking after them 5 days a week while they mooch around the shops etc. Assuming that's the way it is then yes, I do wonder why someone with that attitude has children.

Vallhala · 14/04/2011 09:38

Let's extend that one a bit, Gwen.

Let's take the woman who opts to work although she doesn't need to and who as a result has her young DC in childcare from 8am to 6pm.

Do you wonder why someone with that attitude has children too?

Or is it okay for a woman to choose to have a life of her own and her children professionally cared for as long as she is doing something useful/making money for luxuries rather than merely shopping/gardening/lunching with friends/reading?

I'm not being stroppy with you, I'm genuinely interested in where other women draw the line.

southeastastra · 14/04/2011 09:42

maybe the MIL sings your praises to your SIl op?

TheFallenMadonna · 14/04/2011 09:45

Well, if there's nothing wrong, why does your MIL say she has it hard? To you? THat's the bit I don't get.

And to call it "offensive" seems way OTT.

Newgolddream · 14/04/2011 10:00

Instead of being annoyed have you actually asked MIL why she thinks SIL has it "so hard"? Because then you may have a conversation and a chance to discuss it.

violethill · 14/04/2011 10:05

I think YABU and also jealous. Perhaps your jealousy is misplaced though. My own children were in childcare 3 days a week from a young age, but that was because I was working. I never, in the entire time they were under 4, had a day or even am afternoon where they were in childcare and I had the luxury of shopping/ resting at home. However, although it was tough at times, tbh id have been bored shitless with a life of sending my kids to nursery just to shop and lunch. And if your SIL is never intending to work again, that sounds a pretty empty life to me. For all you know she could be bored and depressed after a few more years of it. Focus on your own life and stop worrying about hers. Also, has it occurred to you that if your mil is going on about how hard it is for her, she perhaps isn't coping very well anyway. Wouldn't you rather be viewed as someone who can cope as an independent adult,'rather than someone who has nannies, nurseries, spends her time shopping and still finds life tough?

diddl · 14/04/2011 10:07

The thing is though, if it´s none of OPs business why SIL has it so hard then shouldn´t MIL just STFU?

FabbyChic · 14/04/2011 11:11

I agree that you shouldn't have children to pack them off somewhere if you are not working. I worked so had to, but those who are at home all day and do are just saying I am a parent who cannot cope, I don't mind having them but I don't want to look after them.

perfumedlife · 14/04/2011 11:25

I sent ds to nursery two days a week from the age of 2, am a sahm but have chronic illness. I needed that time for hospital, physio etc, and a massive house that was being renovated. My parents were too far away to help, not that they offered. They all got stuck in with the barbed comments though, about shoving poor ds in a grotty nursery when there 'was no real need' Angry

Really pisses me off. The other day my mum told someone she was so glad I had only the one, she was exhausted helping me out. When I told her she never had, until this year, helped me out, she said ' no, but i was exhausted worrying about how you were coping!' Biscuit

Ask mil exactly why Sil has it so hard, it's a legitimate question.

diabolo · 14/04/2011 11:29

I really can't imagine needing to send your kids to nursery or have a nanny if you don't work, so I think YANBU for it annoying you in some way.

Although as a full-time Mum it's nice to have a bit of time to yourself, I don't get why she does what she does. And why on earth does you MIL think she's got it hard?

Megatron · 14/04/2011 11:32

It's up to them how they chose to bring up their children. Though it wasn't my choice when mine were that age I don't believe it's anyone else's business anyway. Of course it's a bit annoying to hear your MIL harp on about how hard she has it but I think when we're a bit knackered ourselves we can think of tiredness/business as a bit of a competition.

Megatron · 14/04/2011 11:33

busyness

lljkk · 14/04/2011 11:39

I seem to have read a different OP from almost everyone else.
yanbu on all fronts, and especially the MIL comments... Maybe MIL is hinting that the SIL just doesn't cope very well, and that MIL is worried for the family on that front?

diddl · 14/04/2011 12:03

"I really can't imagine needing to send your kids to nursery or have a nanny if you don't work,"

Why do you have to need to do it though?

If she wants to & it´s not harming anyone, why should she justify it?

Most children here start kindergarten at three - full time-whether or not parents work.
(Full time is mon-fri 8-12.30 & there is no part time)

diabolo · 14/04/2011 12:08

diddl - I know when children start school. My point was "why send your very young kids to nursery (not Kindergarten) if you're sat at home all day? She SIL in this OP does not work and has a nanny for them when they are at home.

What does she do with her time? Lunch? Shopping? Gym?

It's just sounds like a very shallow existence to me. I can't help it if you disagree.