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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let this really annoy me, although its not really my business what they do..

69 replies

Abitblegh · 14/04/2011 08:53

Okay so this has been really bugging me for a while.

My SIL has 2DC age 4 and nearly 1. From age 2 SIL has sent DS1 to nursery 3 days a week (up to 4 1/2 now) and since getting pregnant with DS2 they employed a "Nanny" for a 2 days a week, now when DS2 is 1 he is being sent to nursery 3 days a week 9-5 which is when DS1 will start full time school.

Soo I know its up to them what they do with they're children, but, i am so fed up of hearing from MIL that she has it soooo hard and we should all feel really sorry for her.

I have 2dc age 2.5 and 4 and have never had any help other than a morning with only one child every couple weeks from family, DS1 goes to pre-school 2 mornings a week. I like spending time with them, they are only young once!

I refuse to feel sorry for her as i think its just lazy parenting and she shouldn't bother to have children if she just wants to pack them off here there and everywhere!
If she worked then that would be fair enough - but she doesn't and in her words 'Never will'!

she lives 30-40 miles from family so its not that.

I think i'm quite likely to be being U. I'm just fed up of "ohhh poor SIL she does have it hard"

AIBU to be so grrr at this??

OP posts:

diddl · 14/04/2011 12:23

But my point is why shouldn´t she if she can/wants to?

What has it got to do with anyone else?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/04/2011 12:36

Valhalla the funny thing is, as I was typing, that exact question popped into my head and I decided to ignore it

I guess with work it's either essential to the family finances, as mine is, or it's fulfilling to the person in question. I suppose that's where I draw the line. I guess I can't see ambling round the shopping centre as a justifiable reason for getting someone else to look after your children five days a week. But I'm also aware that makes me v judgey.

diabolo · 14/04/2011 12:40

diddl I see your point and know I am being judgy, but dear God, that is not how I would want to live my life.

diddl · 14/04/2011 12:40

But we don´t know what she does all day.

And why does she have to justify herself?

That´s something I get sick of sometimes on here tbh.

diddl · 14/04/2011 12:42

"that is not how I would want to live my life."

No, me neither, but I suppose I feel that it´s no one elses business.

I also do find it odd that MIL thinks she has a hard life.

So is there something else, I wonder?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/04/2011 12:43

That is a fair point diddl. We can only go by what the OP says and that implied mooching. It is but an implication though and us mnetters do like to take an idea and run :)

violethill · 14/04/2011 12:52

One one level you can argue that its no one elses business and if shopping and going to the gym floats her boat ( and her husband doesn't mind financing it!) then that's her choice.

However, I also think its entirely fair to say that this isn't a very realistic existence, and is probably not a great role model for her children, whom she no doubt wants, in time, to do well at school, get good jobs etc

Even if I were fulfilled with putting my children in childcare so I could shop all day, and even if my dh were happy to fund that (and hell would freeze over before either of those occurrences!!) then I think I would still have a sense that this wasn't a very realistic way to live life, and was not a great inspiration to my kids. Maybe thats being judgemental- but I also think its being honest. Our own daughters and sons are likely to need (and hopefully want) to work, and I think we're doing the next generation a big disservice if we raise them to believe otherwise

easterbunnies · 14/04/2011 12:57

none of your business what she does, you have no right to be judging her.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 14/04/2011 13:05

YANBU - sounds like she needs some 'me' time.....

Some people find childcare much harder than others...I always feel that those years when they are small fly by so why waste it on someone else. I know many people like her though and always wondered why they chose to have a child when they only seem to want to care for them for half the time 'voluntarily'. I know many people feel differently though!

southeastastra · 14/04/2011 13:10

apart from she has to listen to he mil bleating on about it

Vallhala · 14/04/2011 13:15

:o Gwen. Maybe the OPs SIL finds shopping/reading/exercising/whatever she does when the DC are in childcare just as fullfilling as many of us find working?

violethill · 14/04/2011 13:20

Valhalla - my point was that yes, she might genuinely find those things as fulfilling, but do you think she also has a responsibility to raise her kids in a realistic way? Given that our generation of children are likely to need to work for more years than ever before?

And remember, the OP is talking about a woman who has said she will 'never work'!! Personally I don't see how anyone is doing their kids any favours with that outlook.

Let's hope she at least has a Plan B in mind, if she ever got seriously bored/depressed with her existence, or indeed if her husband gets seriously ill, or loses his job, or indeed just has a change of heart and stops wanting to work to fund his wife's leisure lifestyle

EssexGurl · 14/04/2011 13:27

I send my DD age 2 to nursery 2 days a week whilst DS is at school. I worked when DS was little and he was at nursery. I just couldn't find childcare when he went to school and my mat leave ended, so I gave up work. We don't have any family close by. DD loves nursery. She asks to go every day and when we walk past on our way home from school she literally lies down in the driveway and refuses to move.

I spend the two days without her supermarket shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Stuff I could not do with her.

She loves it and it is really doing her the power of good. She would be bored rigid at home with me. She has lots of friends there - including children we know socially who she wouldn't see if it weren't for nursery.

So, personally, yes YABU!

jeckadeck · 14/04/2011 13:28

she shouldn't bother to have children if she just wants to pack them off here there and everywhere!

I realise that your SIL is a sahm, but just read that sentence back. What it basically means is that no woman with a full time job should ever have children. I have a full time job which I've worked bloody hard at for 17 years and which I'm good at. I didn't get knocked up at 18 and I had a university degree so it seemed a bit silly not to work. I've now got a mortgage and various other financial commitments. Oh, and I live in London and my husband earns about half what I make. There isn't a cat in hell's chance that I would be able to stay at home with my kid. Should I therefore have been sterilized once I got into full-time work?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/04/2011 14:19

Oh God, I'd find reading fulfilling. What I wouldn't give for a full week with a stack of books, kettle, a packet of chocolate hobnobs and a locked door. We live in the fast lane here :o

violethill · 14/04/2011 14:31

Oh absolutely Gwendoline- a week of reading and choc biscuits is my idea of heaven! However, I wouldn't have put my children in childcare to enable me to have that as a permanent existence. And more importantly, neither would my dh work to fund me to do it- not least because he enjoys reading as much as me! Seems very imbalanced and unfair for one partner to fund a leisure lifestyle for the other!

fedupofnamechanging · 14/04/2011 14:47

The main thing I'm getting from this thread is that a lot of posters would feel a lot better if they just spoke their minds to their ILs and families.

If my SIL told me that my garden needed weeding (while I was looking after my kids and hers were being looked after by someone else), she'd get a blunt and honest reply. Same to my FIL if he criticised the state of my house and praised my SIL, when he looks after SILs DC and not mine.

OP, you need to ask your MIL precisely why you should be feeling sorry for SIL, when she has full time childcare and no job. Unless it turns out that SIL has a chronic illness, then you need to tell your MIL to stfu about it because you are finding it hard to give a shit about SILs 'problems'.

You might want to phrase it a bit more tactfully, but you get the gist!

JemimaMuddleFuck · 14/04/2011 14:54

What another Woman does with and in terms of childcare is absolutely none of you're business. It is really none of your business and YUABU.

How you feel about it, is a completely different matter; and therefore YANBU.

My own Mother would never look after my first DD; ever; (three hours on a friday night par example) but she would have my DB's whole family for a whole weekend. Brother & SIL would go out for a weekend leaving PIL in charge of 3 small girls/children.

Sometimes it's not right; but the Higher ground is actually recognising that.

perfumedlife · 14/04/2011 15:24

Very well said Karmabeliever. That sums it up.

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