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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My kid was called a "retard" today - I thought he was right to punch the other kid

145 replies

whatever17 · 13/04/2011 02:02

DS2 is going to an independent specialist school (dyslexia based) (LEA court case) in September. He is really excited to be taught with other dys/dys kids and only 6 in a class - I have told him it is a massive deal that we/he won this case against the LEA and to look forward to it.

A kid in his Year 6 mainstream class called him a retard today about going to his new secondary school, therefore my kid bopped him on the nose and said "don't call me a retard or I will hit you again".

He got called into Headteacher's office HT said - "why did you hit him", DS said "cos he called me a retard".

HT said "OK".

I have only heard about this through DS. Frankly, I think "fair enough". I have said, don't hit first, but hit back.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Diggs · 14/04/2011 01:07

Retired , according to some of the opinions on this thread im now entitled to punch you !

fastedwina · 14/04/2011 01:12

If you can reach me [sticks tongue out emoticon}

Goblinchild · 14/04/2011 01:15

Do you not understand the difference between saying 'Fuck you' to someone and 'You are a retard' to a child talking about his new special school?

cantspel · 14/04/2011 01:25

I have a sen child in a special needs school but he has never thumped someone for calling him a name (and a few have) but his younger brother has been in a fight with someone who called his brother a retard and i also had to speak to his headmaster as he was getting to the stage where he was going to have another fight with a different child who also was calling his brother a retard. Luckily the headmaster dealt with the boys before any blows were thrown.

My younger son isn't violent and if the name calling had been at him he would have ignored it but he is protective of his older brother. It still wasn't right for him to thump the first boy or be planning to thump the second.

CheerfulYank · 14/04/2011 01:30

It's a tough one.

I don't condone violence as a rule but the name caller sounds like a nasty boy who deserved it.

And yes, if my DS taunted another child this way and got punched in the face, I'd say the same. And be massively disappointed.

dionysia · 14/04/2011 01:31

What the actual?

it is VVU!

hitting is to insult what war is to diplomacy.

It is not ok.

it doesn't matter what the insult was. Are there acceptable insults for kids to throw at each other? Ae there insults that don't hurt?

didn't think so.

fastedwina · 14/04/2011 01:34

Dionysia - rubbish! Maybe in your world but it takes al sorts.

Guess when Hitler invaded Poland we should have just talked him out of it.

Diggs · 14/04/2011 01:34

Of course i do Goblin , both terms are offensive do you not think ? I dont really want to get into a dispute about certain words being more offensive than others , all name calling is offensive to the person its aimed at .

Im a realist , i know kids get bullied and i know its awful , it shouldnt happen . I also know ive told mine to fight back if they are ever physically attacked , and sadly , they have been like many others . I maintain that a punch in response to a verbal insult is unacceptable .

Children who lash out like this can sometimes be picked on even more , the other kids soon learn how to wind them up and while everybodys busy getting upset about who hit who ,and who said what no one is looking at the real problem or doing anything about it.

In my area a young teen has been killed during a fight that went to far . His attacker will spend years in prison and both familys are devestated . His mum campaighns tirelessly against teen violence that seems to have become the norm . I guess that who said what to who doesnt really seem so important now.

dionysia · 14/04/2011 01:37

wina you have completely missed he point and invoked godwins law all in one post!

fastedwina · 14/04/2011 01:38

In your opinion.

dionysia · 14/04/2011 01:44

wina so, in your world there are acceptable, painless insults? what do you mean?

fastedwina · 14/04/2011 02:03

what do you mean - you've lost me.

Diggs · 14/04/2011 02:16

I think the whole issue is very very sad , and its apalling that the bullying some of us experienced as kids how many years ago is still going on in schools and all around us . I think it appalling too that at a time when you cant watch the news or open a newspaper without hearing about someone being beaten to death , that some people think that violence is acceptable in any way .

No ones saying this boy is going to beat his wife to death or become a criminal , but telling a young boy it is ok to be violent if he has good enough reason isnt on . Who gets to decide whats a good enough reason ? Him ? His freinds ? What if his definition of a good enough reason changes ? Has the Op counted in the fact that during the teenage years Good Enough Reasons will change ? Street Cred ? The desire to be Hard ? Reputation ? Girls ?

A family member of mine was seriously assaulted , the judge who watched the cctv evidence said it was one of the most viscious prolonged attacks he had ever seen . The crime ? My family member had apparently " looked at them the wrong way " , and the perpretaters ? A bunch of kids who were still at school .

Nothing to do with the Op of course , but somehow , each of these kids felt they had A Good Enough Reason . Where did they get that idea from ? Tv ?
Shit playstation games ? Freinds ? Or Us ?

Isnt this something that each and every one of us should be very very conscious of ?

fastedwina · 14/04/2011 02:18

And for what it's worth, I grew up in quite a tough neighbourhood where i was considered one of the polite 'snobby' kids. Do i feel proud that i never resorted to violence but always turned the other cheek and held the moral high ground? - do I fuck! Some folk deserve a good slap and i wish i had done so on occasion. But, i can hug myself in the knowledge that i held the moral high ground and feeling shit that i was weak enough to let them push me around and fear them physically. I wasn't even bullied or had a bad time of it but sometimes violence is the best recourse and I hope my children never feel the physical intimidation that i felt at times. Or you could sit round the campfire singing Kumbaya.

Diggs · 14/04/2011 02:25

Kumbaya ? Havent heard that in ages ! Start us off then !

princessparty · 14/04/2011 08:57

We are not talking about a sustained campaign of bullying, we are talking about a single incident, being avenged by a punch to the face (euphemistically being banded about as a bop on the nose!).There is a boy in DS2's Y7 class (at grammar school) who has recently been suspended for something similar.He broke the boy's nose and the parents are pressing charges and it is likely that he will have a criminal record.
Your DS is at least as bad as the name caller.And I VERY much doubt the HT's response was as your DS reported.

Original poster

whatever17 · 16/04/2011 01:30

I have read all the posts and agree that as DS is now 11 I need to train him to respond verbally to verbal insults. However "retard" to a kid with SN is awful, I think it's just as bad as shouting "cripple" to someone with no legs - it's really hurtful and offensive.

Plus DS was so proud and so excited at going to his new school that it hit him really hard especially after I have assured him that it is not a "spacka school" (he's heard that one too) and that it is just to help him learn differently.

DS is not adroit at thinking up clever verbal comebacks and this is the first time he has hit someone for verbal stuff. If anyone punches him he does punch back and I think he should.

I was also mercilessly bullied and I wished I had battered my tormentors much earlier than I did.

But I will speak to him about verbal being responded to with verbal.

I have previously told him to tell on everyone who goes after him or tell me and I will deal with it but he says that he is too old to tattle-tale.

I think the HT probably said "Ok" to DS and may have done something behind the scenes. I know the HT well and would have expected a phone call if he felt that it was something that could not be handled within school.

OP posts:

Haiven · 20/06/2011 00:21

I think you're wrong on this matter. You're just teaching your kid that everytime someone says something to piss you off, it's okay to punch them. Maybe I can understand hitting back if you someone hits you first, but not just because someone called you a name. Your son had a right to be mad, and I think saying something back would have been appropriate, but not socking the kid, your kid is just going to end up being a little bully. I mean, I know my parents NEVER would have let me get away with punching someone just because they called me retard, and I've been called retard plenty of times growing up. There was actually one point during middle school where I was starting to retaliate and bully kids back because I was sick of being treated like crap, and I got in trouble! When I told my mom that kids were picking on me first, she just yelled "What the hell kind of excuse is that?!" Yeah, I don't have good parents, but still, letting your kid get away with punching someone just for calling him a name just makes it seem that you're being too soft on him.

AmberLeaf · 20/06/2011 01:02

YANBU

I agree with retiredgoth etc

Retard is an insult.

I bet that boy wont say that again to him.

With my first DS i was in the camp of 'dont hit back...tell a teacher'

I soon realised this wasnt effective and the only way to truely stop a bully was to give them a 'bop' !

With my younger 2 DSs i have always told them not to hit first but if someone hits you, then you should hit back harder

They havent been bullied like my oldest was.

Nuttychic · 20/06/2011 06:52

Be careful finding "reason enough" to hit someone. If your ds feels he has reason enough as he grows up - can he hit is wife? If she calls him a name - can he still hit her or is there an age cut off. If there is - have you educated him/her about that? As in "You can hit someone for insulting you but only till you get to 15/16/17? After that you really should learn to take it on the chin and walk away/insult back, be the better person, etc"

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