My kid was called a "retard" today - I thought he was right to punch the other kid

[whatever17]

DS2 is going to an independent specialist school (dyslexia based) (LEA court case) in September. He is really excited to be taught with other dys/dys kids and only 6 in a class - I have told him it is a massive deal that we/he won this case against the LEA and to look forward to it.

A kid in his Year 6 mainstream class called him a retard today about going to his new secondary school, therefore my kid bopped him on the nose and said "don't call me a retard or I will hit you again".

He got called into Headteacher's office HT said - "why did you hit him", DS said "cos he called me a retard".

HT said "OK".

I have only heard about this through DS. Frankly, I think "fair enough". I have said, don't hit first, but hit back.

What do you think?

My mother always told me that hitting wasn't appropriate and that if people said stuff just ignore them. I suffered years of bullying as a result, too ashamed to tell anyone. Ignoring them didn't help. Standing up for myself verbally didn't help. Laughing it off didn't help. I still wish that I had just pinned the girl to a wall when she and her friends first started. When it eventually came out my mother felt very guilty because she realised her approach had helped to make me vunerable.

Sometimes violence is the answer, and all those saying that they teach their children never to throw the first punch, do you think that it takes physical violence to cause permanent injury? What if the punch never comes but they are terribly hurt? Children commit suicide over bullying that never involved physical violence.

GOOD!

YADNBU!

You've done a good job with your boy, OP!

Puffin you suffered years of bullying which is different to this situation.

We are talking about ONE instance of being called a retard which does notjustify being punched for.

Also I wonder if the OP thinks that the special school will be completely free from any teasing and name calling. I'd like to beleive it but I don't. Kids will always find something to call each other names for. The OP better get her son to unlearn that it's ok to hit someone for name calling as if he does that as his new school, he'll find his local authority grant withdrawn so fast his head will spin.

'The OP better get her son to unlearn that it's ok to hit someone for name calling as if he does that as his new school, he'll find his local authority grant withdrawn so fast his head will spin.'

I think you may find that will not be the case. The school will work to meet his needs, rather than withdrawing support for a vulnerable child. Which is possibly one of the many area where the law and educational services differ.
Do you have any legal or anecdotal grounds for that alarmist statement?

If I was the op I would also be seeing who was in charge to find out why disablist name calling is allowed.

One way to deal with this is modelling a bored/rolling of the eyes tone and a retort something like "Why not tell it to someone who cares?", or a "Do I look interested?" or "move along now, nobody wants to hear it"

Then walking away and preferably joining a group of friends as soon as possible or failing that, going up to an adult and engaging them in conversation (not necessarily about what has happend) so that the verbal attacker is discouraged from carrying on.

If this sort of thing dfoesn't work and for many children I know it is very difficult to do, then personally I think hitting out is understandable. I do think it has the potential to get out of hand though. What can happen is that the person defending themselves against the verbal agression can end up getting into more trouble than the person who provoked it with the name calling

so when his wife calls him stupid when he is older it will be fine for him to give her a slap?

a verbal insult is not the equivalent of a physical punch.

I certainly wouldn't rate a SEN school that would do that! By definition, their pupils will have specialised needs which may include inappropriate name calling or hitting out. They'd run out of children pretty soon if they reacted like that.

Sorry i think its apalling . This boy didnt hit your son , and while kids do call names punching people is a step too far . Has your son never called other kids names ? Not once , ever ? Your son has no right to put his hands on anyone apart from to defend himself.

There was a range of other options available to him , he couldve defended himself verbally , he could have spoken to a member of staff or spoke to you or walked away . You might feel Dfferantly about encouraging him to punch people when your sat at the police station with him .

I bet you wouldnt be saying fair enough if the other boy had kicked the shit out of him.

The key thing is to model a tone or slight contempt/boredom in the face of provocation.

Obviously ongoing bullying is different but this sort of one off verbal provoking is common in schools and children need to learn to deal with it wthout violence if at all possible. Some people are just nasty, if we went around hitting everyone who we thought was an unpleasant prat we would never get anything done.

SEN schools may have children with specialised needs but they shouldn't and dont put up with inappropriate name calling or hitting out.

My sons SEN schools last ofsted even commented on the number of exclusions they had given with a target to try to reduce the number.

should have added that my son has specialised needs but he doesn't have any behavioural problems so why should he have to put up with inappropriate behaviour just because he is in a sen school?

SEN schools are not dumping grounds for children mainstream doesn't want or cant handle.

I think you need to teach your son to fight words with words OP.

Would it be ok to punch his DP/DW when he's grown up if she were to call him a name?

Parents like you get on my tits op , youve blatently made it clear to your son that its ok to hit people as long as he has a good enough reason. The chances that your son has never called other children names is zero. I dont punch my son and i certainly wouldnt tolerate your son doing it.

If i were the parent of the boy your son assaulted i would be in school that day insisting something be done . If i got wind of your twattish attitude i would be banging on your door and i sure as fuck wouldnt be polite about it.
Ive met many parents with this sort of attitude and the only time they change it is when they get threatened with a punch in the nose themselves .

I would have serious concerns about the HT too in this case. You are saying that he condoned a boy hitting another boy because he was called a name. That is completely unacceptable.

How would you feel if your child called another boy a rude name (and believe me, he has. They all have) and that boy broke his nose? And the HT said "oh that's fine, bhe brought it on himeself?"

I am quite shocked at the HTs attitude tbh.

I don´t condone the name calling or the hitting-your son gave no warning, just punched & tbh I´d be equally furious with both children.

Is it the word that was used that makes some think that the punch was acceptable, or the malice behind it?

I´m 5ft & have frequently been called "shortarse"-would that have meant it OK for me to punch someone?

I don't think the child was unreasonable to lose his temper and lash out, but I do think that the OP was unreasonable in her response to it.

Children are less able to apply logic and understand consequences than adults - that is why it is the job of their parents to guide them through these tricky issues.

What the OP's son has learned from this experience is that it is acceptable to answer verbal abuse with physical abuse, that it is acceptable to escalate an unpleasant situation.

I deal with some pretty unpleasant people through work - I have been called a "fucking bitch" and a "white bitch" by a client recently. Is it acceptable for me to punch him? If the answer is no, then clearly it is not acceptable to teach a child that violence is, or might be, OK as that child then has the difficulty of unlearning their childhood behaviour and re-learning appropriate adult behaviour, if they can even do so.

Also shocked at the HT's attitude here.

I dont beleive for a minuite the Ht said that .

Actually, re-reading Op, I doubt that was the HT's reaction. Maybe by now the OP has had chance to clarify with the school? Because surely to God the other child's parents have been in?

maybe victims parents should call the police for assault

Perhaps the head is gathering evidence so that he can put something useful in place to help both of them, along the lines of 'The no blame approach to bullying' which takes several weeks to go through to programme and involves time, group meetings and resources.
So perhaps the 'OK' was recognition of the trigger rather than condoning violence.

Sometimes kids who are told they are entitled to hit engineer situations where they can hit . Sometimes they call names first then feel justified in hitting when theyre called names back .

Which is why a complicated situation may need a bit of rational thought on the part of the adults involved in order to decide how best to proceed.
Why couldn't the first child have wished the OP's son well at his new school instead of calling him a retard for being dyslexic?
Both of them need support to get through the last term together, then hopefully the OP's son will be in a better environment and one that will build his self-esteem to the point where he doesn't feel the need to be physically aggressive towards an aggressive and unwarranted attack.

I don't think that hitting is an acceptable response to name calling, no matter the name.

Do you think that is an appropriate lesson to teach your children? That if someone says something to you that you don't like, it's all right to punch them? Or only if it's something really awful? And who decides what is awful and what is not?