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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My kid was called a "retard" today - I thought he was right to punch the other kid

145 replies

whatever17 · 13/04/2011 02:02

DS2 is going to an independent specialist school (dyslexia based) (LEA court case) in September. He is really excited to be taught with other dys/dys kids and only 6 in a class - I have told him it is a massive deal that we/he won this case against the LEA and to look forward to it.

A kid in his Year 6 mainstream class called him a retard today about going to his new secondary school, therefore my kid bopped him on the nose and said "don't call me a retard or I will hit you again".

He got called into Headteacher's office HT said - "why did you hit him", DS said "cos he called me a retard".

HT said "OK".

I have only heard about this through DS. Frankly, I think "fair enough". I have said, don't hit first, but hit back.

What do you think?

OP posts:
A1980 · 13/04/2011 09:58

I've been called worse than retard at school, I never hit anyone.

If you actively encourage or condone punching antoher child for calling you name what about when they're older? Younger children would be ok as they don't know any better. But the age of criminal responsibility is TEN years old. If they hit another child, particularly hard and perhaps do some damage then a police station might be the outcome. I'm not joking: I saw it when I was a trainee.

Punching someone in the face will NOT be deemed as reasonable self defence for being called a retard. Bear that in mind before you encourage your DC's to hit people for name calling.

Tabliope · 13/04/2011 10:02

Thanks for those hints Goblin... they sound very effective. Glad they've worked for your DS. Best of luck to your DS whatever17.

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 10:03

Hence the long hours of training and studying and practising just to enable my son to be able to function in a world filled with vicious little animals who like to taunt and attack without fear of the consequences.
The older he got, the easier it became.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/04/2011 10:03

Sorry OP, you're BU. It is never ok for a violent response to a verbal comment, however offensive. I agree with you about 'hitting back', but this wasn't what happened.

Your son now has the message that if he feels angry again at somebody's comments, he can hit them as he's got the message from you that in this instance it's ok... he won't hear the 'strikethrough', even if you say it.

saffronwblue · 13/04/2011 10:32

My DD, 9, was called a retard by a boy in her class. During the lesson. She dissolved into floods of tears. The teacher gave me a little lecture about how she should be more resilient.

She doesn't go to that school any more and I think that was the turning point for me.

springbokdoc · 13/04/2011 10:35

Sorry also agree that this wasn't the correct response. I would worry about, as others have pointed out, what he would do when he is older, when the name caller is younger or female. It's learning a strategy that isn't going to help him in the long run. I appreciate that he can't verbally respond well but violence as a first response is not right. Perhaps he could just walk away or go straight to a teacher?? I do think that a sustained campaign of bullying is very different though.

BTW very pleased to hear that you have managed to get him into the right school for him

Ormirian · 13/04/2011 10:37

Would it have been fair enough if other kid had punched him back and a full-scale fight ensued? Never sure that a quick punch is ever a 'fair enough' response to a comment.

Morloth · 13/04/2011 10:40

Some people really can benefit from a punch in the face though.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/04/2011 10:41

Its very hard to always be the 'bigger' person isnt it?

To always be the one who has to prove they are above all that and walk away.

To have to be a representative of all disabled people/black people/muslim or whatever. So if you let yourself down you are letting all 'your people' down.

Of course violence is wrong but why is it more wrong for those on the receiving end of bullying and predjudice?

That said I wouldnt encourage it but nor did the OP did she?

Shoesytwoesy · 13/04/2011 10:41

yanbu
but then in my books anyone who uses the R word deserves what they get

TheFallenMadonna · 13/04/2011 10:41

Are you a teacher A1980? Or police? What were you training for? 'Retard' is an extremely offensive term, and particularly so in this contxt. Bloody hell!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/04/2011 10:42

BTW well done OP for getting your DS into that school. I bet it wasnt easy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/04/2011 10:46

There are so many offensive terms... and more being added all the time. Who's to say which term is to be accompanied by an acceptable slap/smack/punch?

FirstMrsDeVere... Absolutely. I think Mums through the ages have tried to indoctinate their children to the notion that "you don't throw the first punch"... in the hope that if everybody adheres to that one rule, there will be no punching.

Perhaps some lessons in social responsibility and how to behave should be added to the curriculum? It's one thing to be taught it at home but in a class setting, with peers, it might have more impact or at least reinforce the message taught by parents.

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 10:47

'I would worry about, as others have pointed out, what he would do when he is older, when the name caller is younger or female'

He's in Y6 at the moment. As he gets older and more confident, he will be able to take on board new strategies and tactics to defend himself against unwarranted attacks.
We went for walking away from a problem, which can be a bit tricky when you are restricted by school rules about where you should be and not leaving the premises.
Then roaring at attackers, which puts girls off more than boys.
Then the looming and challenging them on their behaviour.
He's not hit anyone for a few years, although stuff has been thrown at walls. And over fences.

A1980 · 13/04/2011 10:48

Madonna: Trainee Solicitor. When I was in my criminal seat I had to go to the police station to advise people all the time and I saw under 16's a few times that had assaulted other children.

The age of criminal responsibility is 10 years old. Retard is offensive but legally hitting someone in the face for calling you name is equally offensive and it would not be classed as reasonable self defence.

Some paretns on here seem to think it's fine to condone or encourage their DC's to hit others for name calling. Just so they know that the age of criminal responsibility is 10 years old. I've seen children arrested for punching others at school in the past. I think they should be aware of it.

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 10:51

Oh, I've also been in close contact with the school on each and every occasion and had good backing from them. He has been sanctioned appropriately when he's crossed the line, but so have his attackers.
The teachers have been very proactive at responding to the use of verbal taunts targeting any groups. They are very good on tackling sexual harassment even at a low level and so the general climate is one of inclusion and acceptance.
Vile and amoral people will always find a way, however.

Ormirian · 13/04/2011 10:54

I had a similar dilemma though. DS was in yr6. One of the kids in the park was from his class at school. Bit of an idiot, small, fierce and never backs down even though he always gets beaten! Was set upon by some other bigger older boys. DS1 waded in and hauled the boy out, distributing a few punches as he did so. I was torn between being mortified and being a little proud of him.

However I would still try to instill the dislike of violence and never being the first to throw a punch.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/04/2011 10:57

Ormirian... but that's a bit different isn't it? Your DS was trying to help somebody else being beaten by a group of boys. I don't see that as the same as punching somebody for a rude comment.

Blu · 13/04/2011 11:01

YABU.

My DS is vulnerable to the odd name-calling as he has a non-standard leg and limps. Hitting people because of what they say is not acceptable - or particularly safe.

Get him to 'use his words', coach him in some rejoinders or assertive reponses, and remind him that anyone who has to insult someone else to make themselves feel better is pretty pathetic, and why would you take notice of someone so pathetic? In fact "at least I don't have to make stupid comments about other people to try and make myself look good, ha ha" is a reasonable response.

I have coached Ds in a range of responses, he is cnfident in who he is, and although has been subject to occasional stupidity he has never been bullied.

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 11:08

Mine relaxed when he came home with a list of insults that he'd written down because he didn't understand them.
We went through them one by one and worked out that they weren't relevant to him, and thus illogical bile spouted by the ignorant.
'Fucking Gay Retard' was one of them.
He hasn't had sex
He isn't gay AFAHK
He isn't mentally handicapped.

On to the next one.

Seriously though, if it was your child using these words to another human being, why wouldn't you be shamed and horrified into action? Why would you say 'Oh, it's just words, get a grip'
Why would you only be prepared to stop your child being foul if it endangered them, and not because it was driving another child over the edge?

Morloth · 13/04/2011 11:13

If DS called someone a retard and got a punch in the face as a result I would tell him 'Serves you right'.

princessparty · 13/04/2011 11:13

YABU Your child has reached the age of criminal responsibility. What if teh other parents press charges?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/04/2011 11:14

Goblinchild... No, not to do nothing about it but to take it to the headteacher. I'm sure your son would be able to identify the pupils at the school? I don't think any school would stand by and do nothing on that basis.

I think that a child that is given permission to hit as an attack mechanism is at far greater risk of being seriously injured. Groups of boys/girls might delight in antagonising the lone child to get a first physical response and then pile in and really injure them. :(

Blu · 13/04/2011 11:15

If I discovered that my child had said something like that I would be completely furious and ashamed! And deal with it pronto. And if he got punched for it I wouldn't be especially sympathetic.
Which isn't to say that I would encourage or condone DS punching anyone who hadn't punched him.
Thank god no-one in DS's class seems to punch anyone, ever! (inner city Lambeth, before you suspect some sort of idyllic retreat)

MissingMySleep · 13/04/2011 11:20

DS went through a stage of hitting in the infants. Each time he was either hit or kicked first, or he was protecting a smaller friend (he is big). DH said good, that way he wont get bullied (aarrghhh) but I have been working over the last year or so to make sure he really really understands that he cannot do this.

Now he is in the first year of the juniors and some of the big kids have been bothering him (some pushing over and some name calling) and I am working with him on what to do. Re the name calling - so this may be of help for your son - we have been practicing things like "really...?" accompanied with raised eyebrows, or the old standard "whhhatever" and practicing sounding really bored when the mean kids call him 4 eyes or whatever it is they are calling him. I have been explaining to him that what the other kids are doing is really babyish even if they are 3 years older than him, and to act like he thinks they are babyish, and hopefully they will get bored of it. If he calls them names back or hits them or gets bothered,they will love it and do it more.

Don't know if that is any use for you. Good luck.