Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

My kid was called a "retard" today - I thought he was right to punch the other kid

145 replies

whatever17 · 13/04/2011 02:02

DS2 is going to an independent specialist school (dyslexia based) (LEA court case) in September. He is really excited to be taught with other dys/dys kids and only 6 in a class - I have told him it is a massive deal that we/he won this case against the LEA and to look forward to it.

A kid in his Year 6 mainstream class called him a retard today about going to his new secondary school, therefore my kid bopped him on the nose and said "don't call me a retard or I will hit you again".

He got called into Headteacher's office HT said - "why did you hit him", DS said "cos he called me a retard".

HT said "OK".

I have only heard about this through DS. Frankly, I think "fair enough". I have said, don't hit first, but hit back.

What do you think?

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 13/04/2011 08:14

My brother did this to a classmate under very similar circumstances. Though they were slightly older, about 13. He didn't hit the boy very hard but must have caught him at a bad angle as he bust the other kid's nose. The police were involved but thankfully the other parents decided in the end not to press charges.

I can see why your son did it but I think it would be better to try and teach him to walk away. In life some people are downright nasty and rude and punching them in the face is not the best method of dealing with it. When he's 19 is he going to be the bloke in the nightclub who thumps someone if they say something he doesn't like?

MrsDaffodill · 13/04/2011 08:23

Also agree with Hecate.

It's the old cliche "sticks and stones may break my bones, and names will never hurt me" - which I heard a million times in my childhood.

I had a visible difference at school - actually not so noticeable now, after surgery. Was often teased. My parents did a really good job of making me realise that it was the other kids who were the losers in that situation. I really, really believed it and felt sorry for them. And, in fact, many years later (because I was from a very small community) I know more about those children's lives, and it was true that they were the ones who were worse off and have had worse life outcomes.

Was recently discussing this with a mum of a child with a cleft lip and palate. She was saying how she hopes to emulate the same - that the child has such self-confidence that they can pity the ones teasing them.

I do know it's hard, I promise I do. Where I grew up, I walked to school on my own, and much of the teasing happened on the way there and back - so no adults to intervene. I sympathise with your son hugely. But violence is not the answer. This problem may re-occur, the child he hit may now have a grudge, etc, etc.

You have said "don't hit first, hit back", but actually the other child didn't hit, did he? Or if he did, he only hit with words, so the correct response under your rules would be to hit back with words.

Maybe you need to role play some suitable responses with him for the future?

janetsplanet · 13/04/2011 08:26

a girl in my DD year, was teased about her brother being disabled. the girl was calling him a retard etc, so she got chocolate milkshake tipped on her. The girl who did the teasing got no punishment, but the one who tipped the milkshake on her got kept off the trip to the outdoor activity centre

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 08:26

As a strategy, it worked well for mine. Which is why he's never been bullied. No one had a go at him twice.
As a teacher I used to think 'Oh no my child, violence is not the answer'
Except when it is.

rubyrubyruby · 13/04/2011 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 08:31

Oh, and mine is not verbally dexterous and is unable to defend himself with a flurry of pithy epithets. Many children with additional needs are not skilled debaters but are taunted and mocked and bullied to the point of self-harm by those that are.

heliumballoons · 13/04/2011 08:39

Difficult one.

Although in essence what Hectate says is correct Goblin has a point. if a child cannot verbally defend themselves and it has been constant torture then sometimes one 'bop' on the nose will make it clear you will not sit back and take it.

I do think that you should defend yourself with words first though.

Hope your DS is OK OP.

janetsplanet · 13/04/2011 08:46

goblin - i totally get where you are coming from. my DD is 12 and has SN. she can not defend herself at all, verbally or physically. she gets mocked about her head size and other stuff. all she can manage as a comeback is 'shutup' or 'leave me alone'

kw1986 · 13/04/2011 08:51

I was bullied when I was about 7/8 by a girl who was always nice enough infront of teachers but when no adult was in sight she was a really horrible little girl often reducing me to tears. And it didn't matter how many times I asked her to leave me alone or told the teachers. One day I was in the toilet and as I came out the stall she walked in the bathroom and started on me and I just snapped and pinned her against a wall by her throat and told her to leave me alone... She never spoke to me again.

Violence shouldn't be the answer, but sometimes it is.

I will be teaching DD to defend herself, but preferably not to throw the first punch.

harpsichordcarrier · 13/04/2011 08:51

I also agree with Hecate. I have not, I don't think, hit anyone in my life and I would never tolerate my child hitting another, notwithstanding the provocation. The proper response to name calling is pity and possibly laughter. Allowing or applauding a violent response is a slippery slope imo.
OTOH I think the HT did the right thing too - his response did not in any way merit punishment but he also needs to understand there is a better way to deal with a**eholes than violence. A million better ways actually.
PS I am glad you have a good secondary solution for your ds

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 13/04/2011 08:52

YANBU if he had not bopped the kid, the kid would have called him that name constantly.

Good for your son.

{glad he's going to a school with specialist knowledge..good on you both}

harpsichordcarrier · 13/04/2011 08:53

Hmm ,yes Goblin has a point. Tricky one.
As a teacher, I would understand the response, absolutely.

Clytaemnestra · 13/04/2011 08:56

Someone has asked above but I'm really interested in the answer, what if a boy a couple of years below him called him a retard?

Still ok to "bop"?

What if a girl called him a retard? Still ok? Accidentally break her nose?

When he comes home to his girlfriend when he's in his twenties and she shouts at him and calls him a retard? Quick smack and the threat "don't call me a retard or I'll punch you again?"

You can be understanding, and still explain why it's wrong to hit people.

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 09:00

Oh, mine doesn't hit people any more, I taught him different responses to different situations and trained him in ways to disconcert his aggressors and make them think again about their choices.
I taught him stock phrases, and gave him looming lessons.
The fact that he's nearly 6' tall now, looks in his twenties and has a serious expression has worked in his favour. Others do not tend to start things, so he had no need to respond.

Tabliope · 13/04/2011 09:20

whatever17 the other kid deserved it although I too worry about hitting out - had problems with my DS in the past. Goblinchild can you tell us some of the stock phrases? I've tried to arm my DS with some but if your child hasn't a nasty nature comebacks don't always roll off their tongue when they're in a difficult situation - they just feel threatened and defensive.

TheFallenMadonna · 13/04/2011 09:31

I'd be angry if either of mine responded to name calling with hitting because they are big and would probably do some damage.

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 09:35

' I'm sorry, what did you say?' said in a slow and menacing tone with the emphasis on what

'Say that again'

'That's very...inappropriate'

It helps that he's big and has an inexpressive voice. Dropping your voice, slowing your words, using the Aspie stare to disconcert.
We looked at baddies on screen and how they projected menace without actual physical violence.
How to scare the shit out of someone basically.
Looming involves stepping into someone's comfort zone and saying a phrase, they feel threatened without contact being necessary and they back down.
he's driven by logic, so was keen to learn strategies that would make attackers back off without getting him into trouble.
Psychological terror tactics.

LeroyJethroGibbs · 13/04/2011 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 09:43

Try him with a Big Shout first LJG
Get him to yell 'Leave me alone'
Practice it sounding more like a roar than a squeal. It attracts the attention of adults and if loud enough it will startle an aggressor.
Sometimes that works. Sometimes it just initiates baiting from others.
Then you work on another strategy

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 09:44

bother ...practise.
the key is to practise at home, so they don't have to try it first when they are under threat. Like self defence lessons.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2011 09:48

How about ... "Call me that so that the teacher hears you, and I won't think you're a spineless creep." Or some other insult.

A1980 · 13/04/2011 09:48

If the other child had punched your son back in the face, that would have been fair enough too. How would you have liked that?

Even though he was called a name (which wasn't tha bad IMO), it wasn't as if it was subjected to sustained bullying or as if he was called a particularly offensive name.

He needs a lecture in controlling his temper.

Goblinchild · 13/04/2011 09:50

How about educating all children not to insult others with specific needs?
Then we can all skip out and make daisy chains together.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2011 09:50

A1980, being called a retard is pretty damned offensive, IMO.

tyler80 · 13/04/2011 09:57

Why even dignify comments like that with a response, physical or verbal?

Kids are trying to get some sort of rise when doing this, the best thing to do is make them realise that their views matter not one bit.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6