My kid was called a "retard" today - I thought he was right to punch the other kid

[whatever17]

DS2 is going to an independent specialist school (dyslexia based) (LEA court case) in September. He is really excited to be taught with other dys/dys kids and only 6 in a class - I have told him it is a massive deal that we/he won this case against the LEA and to look forward to it.

A kid in his Year 6 mainstream class called him a retard today about going to his new secondary school, therefore my kid bopped him on the nose and said "don't call me a retard or I will hit you again".

He got called into Headteacher's office HT said - "why did you hit him", DS said "cos he called me a retard".

HT said "OK".

I have only heard about this through DS. Frankly, I think "fair enough". I have said, don't hit first, but hit back.

What do you think?

'The chances that your son has never called other children names is zero.'
Actually Diggs I disagree with that.
I can tell you that I NEVER did any such thing as a child. and I could be pretty damn certain that dd1 wouldn't either.
Some people just don't behave like that. IME

Most do , and those that dont arent usually the sort that punch others .

YADBU, saying they are within their rights to hit someone for saying "you're mum's a prostitute",or "you're a retard" is very short sighted.

They may, to a certain extent, get away with it in Yr6 but won't when older. Even though it is understandable why your ds hit out, he should be told hitting is never acceptable (unless hit first and/or in danger) and taught how to deal with name calling.

Can't stop thinking about Hecate's post.
See, my dh is very quick witted. No one EVER outwits him. He makes the most quick, cutting remarks. Fab. he's funny. And impressive.
Me ? No. Although intelligent, I am slow. I think of things I should have said, 15 minutes after the meeting.
Ds1(7) is like me, sadly. Not quick witted. Trying to encourage him to out wit boys who are bullying him, because of his possible Aspergers diagnosis, is pointless. He will never get it, bless him.

If you are quick wited. Really quick witted. Nothing will change this.
And if you are no, It can't be taught. I mean you could get a bit better, but realistically, you would never ever win.

Oblomov, I may be naive here as ds(7) hasnt experienced any real problems yet, been hit a few of times & basic name calling. I'm sure it will happen sooner rather than later so genuinely interested.

Do they need to "win" against the bullies? Is it the right thing to teach that they must beat them? Especially when it is just name calling (which I remember from my school days can be painful).

alternative is, if possible, to steer clear and mix with other like minded children who will also just ignore the bullies

my thought for ds if it happens is stick with your friends and ignore, and if that doesnt work and its persitant/upsetting we will escalate to teachers to resolve

but if someone is whacking him hard (and he's going to get hurt) he's to hit back once and harder

YANBU. If someone is willing to mock your son in such a cruel and discriminatory manner then they have to be prepared to take what is coming to them. Serves the kid right.

Lindax, I just don't don't know. Its a fine balance isn't it ? Between teaching them that their 'true friends' would not say these things, thus just ignore. to teaching them, to go off and play with your true friends, to saying, say to them "don't speak to me that way, thats not nice", and then walking away.
I am currently trying all these tactics, and know not what to advise ds.
A part of me get cross with him and tells him, not to let these boys upset him, to toughen up, to grow a pair a bollocks, to grow a spine etc etc.
Don't speak to me, coz I could be doing it all wrong. whatever it is, I am doing, is not effective at the moment.
Sorry I can't be more help.

If someone is willing to mock your son in such a cruel and discriminatory manner then they have to be prepared to take what is coming to them. Serves the kid right.

Do you punch your kids Halftermhero ? Would you not mind your son being punched in the face , would you really tell him he got what was coming to him ?

Others might say that it will serve the op right when she is sat at the police station with her son , or looking for another school for him , or on the receiving end of a bust nose herself . Its all very well the mum encouraging her son to use violence , but it is not accepted within society , schools wont accept it , other parents wont accept it, nor will future employees or girlfreinds .

Where does this sort of crap end ? How will op feel if walloped kid has an older brother who takes objection to his little brother getting a punch in the nose ? Is he then entitled to bop the ops son ? How will op feel if she herself gets a hiding from the other boys mum , will she still be saying " fair enough " ?

This scenario might seem unlikeley at this age but as he gets older there are likeley to be these sort of social consequences .

sometimes violence is the answer though obviously it can bring more problems.

Diggs - sounds like you would condone your child calling another child a retard (even more vile when that child does have learning issues). If my child provoked the situation and called a child something like that and they responded with a slap then i would hope my child had learned a lesson.

If the kid that called your DS "a retard" had been a girl, would you have been happy for him to punch her in the face too?

I find your position very hypocritical, to be honest. Do you punch people in the face when they insult you?

Diggs - sounds like you would condone your child calling another child a retard

Does it really ? Id have thought it was rather obvious that a person who objects to physical violence is highly likeley to also object to verbal insults .

If my child provoked the situation and called a child something like that and they responded with a slap then i would hope my child had learned a lesson

So you would condone violence being used against your young child in response to a verbal insult ?

Its not clear what happened that day , its not clear who started the name calling , for all we know the name caller could have difficultys of his own. Either way , punching someone isnt acceptable .

Kids call names , they always have and they probably always will . Name calling extends , as others have said , into grown up life too and while its unacceptable and shouldnt happen it does . Im not sure what favours the op is doing him by teaching him at this impressionable age , that its ok to punch people .

And Fastedwina have you never ever called someone a name , either as a child or an adult ? Did you expect to be punched in the face for it ?

Diggs

I agree with everything you've said so far. Some of the comments on here disgust me, they really do. One can only assume that violence must be a normal occurance in some of the posters daily lives.

Huge credit to the head.

Yes. It was right that he be called to account. But he was. And provided an explanation (not an excuse).

Three children with special needs in this house. One tribunal case ongoing.

I doff my metaphorical cap to you, your child, and the enlightened head.

I bet that any contributors here who deny the power of the word 'retard' as an insult, do not have children with special needs.

Prove me wrong and I shall retract.

OP told her son to not hit first but to hit back.
So she is telling him that defending himself against a physical assault initiated by someone else is acceptable.

I love the extrapolation here - that if a child who is being bullied snaps and loses self control momentarily, that means he's bound to do the same as an adult. Or that the OP would do the same. Ridiculous level of extrapolation.

I'm quite sure that the OP would not have said anything to encourage her DS's behaviour - but no need to punish him for it either.

No i was never physical in my arguments (unless with siblings) but i did use my gob in the way that others would use their fists but not in name calling. TBH, I wish i had turned round and punched a few of the people who I came across as this was the only language they understood. I never want my children to be physically afraid and i never want them to start trouble, especially throw the first punch but sometimes it is deserved. many gobby people will continue to belittle and run rings round those who are unable to react in the same way. it's a good life lesson to realise you can't hide behind your lack or violence but rely on your superior and vicious gob thinking that this buys you a get of jail card. somewhere down the line, someone might use their brand of communication to respond to your verbal violence. Admittedly, this could lead to to bigger consequencies and it is never easy to judge.

If this boy has managed to get an LEA to fund such a provision, then boy oh boy he must deserve it.

My step son has been called a retard. He is unable to retaliate. I'm a gentle Guardianista, but I would retaliate on his behalf in a heartbeat.

Retard?

How dare they. It is the same as, or worse than, overtly racist language.

I won't have it.

I think a lot of people, myself included, have spent a lot of time and effort and imagination in helping our children to cope with living in a world full of gratuitous unkindness and unpleasant individuals without hitting or being overly violent.
A world where you can be attacked for being different from the norm, although your difference, actions and strange little ways cause no harm to others.
Do you think that your children will grow up to be the manipulative, thoughtless and bullying men that are so often discussed on MN? Why not?
A person who finds it amusing to push someone else to the edge of their control may do the same with a partner or child they have power over.

Retired the word retard is just as offensive as names relating to race , thousands of children have to tolerate being called racist names daily yet they dont go around punching people . Thousands of others get called Fatty , Speccy , you name it .

Do you think that either you , or the op , have the right to be extra offended and lash out because you have children with difficultys ? The kids who are being called chink , paki , fatso , slag ect should just put up with it but yours have the right to lash out ?

Cap off to the head my arse . If he was any sort of head they,d have been no name calling in the first place.

Diggs

Fuck you

And of course i learned to reign in my gob as i grew up in a place where a slap was the first rule of engagement. Tis all a learning curve and not everyone here grew up in the same level of politeness or niceness rather than where being able to physically stand up for yourself was self preservation.

Im tempted to say Fuck You right back Retired , but i wont , as i said earlier i object to verbal insults.