Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AQIBU grounding my son?!

119 replies

unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:16

Am a single parent and feeling like poo about this but think I have made the right call - would like to invite opinion.....

Kids on half term - 9 yr old is in holiday club DD is nearly 12 and DS nearly 14 have trusted them to be left here, meet friends at the park, go swimming etc (got them a timetable and gave them money), they have 3 phone numbers for me and know what to do in an emergency and I phone every hour, and leave a packed lunch for them each in the fridge - am working for 5 hours a day and on leave next week. It is not ideal but I felt I should give them a little responsibility.

Their dad won't help although his partner had a good old bitch (to the kids) at the weekend about how unbelievably irresponsible I am and how its illegal to leave them as they are under 14 (I know it is not as I am the Child Protection Lead at work Hmm nonetheless worrying the kids that I might get into trouble). So this is in the forefront of my mind if anything happens I will have to deal with the fall out from them of "I told you so" (even though they/he refused to help Hmm).

Rules are they have to stay together, be sensible, and they have to have their phones with them at all times (charged and switched on) and let me know their movements.

Yesterday I got home and called them to see where they were and they had split up and gone to separate friends houses which I wasn't happy about as they had broken one of the rules and I also don't want it to seem I am imposing the responsibility of them on other kids parents. Was angry, told them off, warned them if it happened again there would be consequences.

Today I get home to find the same thing has happened again and DD didn't even have her phone on her.

DS is supposed to go to this nightclub under 18s party tonight (so wasn't too keen tbh) from 7 - 11 (doubley not keen as would have to drag other kids and myself out to get him) for a girl he is madly in love with Hmm. I have told him he is not going as he can't prove he can be responsible and do as he is told.

He is beside himself with grief in his bedroom and I feel like shit.

Is this fair or AIBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/04/2011 16:19

Its a bit unfair to impose the rules that they have to all stay together in my view. It is their school holidays.

Why do they have to stay together? Surely they have different sets of friends.

pinkthechaffinch · 12/04/2011 16:20

YANBU for punishing your son, but what about your dd?

She sounds equally irresponsible and tbh I'd be having a rethink about leaving them alone for 6 months or so.

worraliberty · 12/04/2011 16:21

YABU why would a 14yr old boy want to spend all day with his 12yr old sister?

Ok they shouldn't have broken the rules, but you should really re-think your childcare arrangements.

Also, does the punishment really fit the crime or is it a punishment of convenience to save you having to pick him up?

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:22

DD will also be punished - its just for him that was an obvious one. I want them to stay together because she is 2 yrs younger and I just feel better if they are looking out for each other

OP posts:
pjmama · 12/04/2011 16:22

Is your DD getting punished too? If you're heaping it all on his shoulders because he's the oldest that I think that's unfair. However if they've done the same thing two days running, despite being bollocked for and told not to do it again after the first time then I think they're probably both due some consquences.

squeakytoy · 12/04/2011 16:23

She is 12, that is old enough to go out with her friends without her brother as a chaperone. You would let her out if you were at home wouldnt you?

worraliberty · 12/04/2011 16:24

It's not fair to have to babysit a 12yr old during his holidays though.

Kids work hard enough at school and need their holidays to chill out and have a bit of a life outside of school.

TheVisitor · 12/04/2011 16:24

Awwww, the first flushes of young love. I think you may be being a little harsh on him, actually. A 14 year old lad does not want an 11 year old sister hanging round him, and he knew where she was. I think your DD is more in the wrong for not having her phone on her and being contactable. I'd be inclined to let him go, just this once, but if it ever happens again...... he'll be so pleased that he'll do anything you ask this evening, so expect the kettle on etc! I do agree about not leaving them together.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:25

They are both being punished. They have to stay together if I am here as well.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 12/04/2011 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 12/04/2011 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoseC · 12/04/2011 16:26

Agree YANBU to punish your DS. Is there any way you could make them sit somewhere really boring for flouting your trust? Don't have teenage DCs but Mum used to let us (at a younger age than your DCs) go around her workplace town together. The one time we split up (almighty sibling row Grin) she frogmarched us to her staff room and we had to sit there, bored stiff, all afternoon on a hot sunny day with no reading material or games (this was pre-fancy phones). I don't know if your workplace is small enough to allow this.

Your DD not carrying her phone is quite serious... not quite sure what to suggest on that one apart from the above or childcare.

FabbyChic · 12/04/2011 16:27

its not his fault if his sister went off and done something else, or forgot her phone.

Punish her not your son.

To be fair I left mine at that age, I left a 14 year old in charge of a 9 year old and had no problem at all and I worked full time. They actually never went out though they stayed home.

FabbyChic · 12/04/2011 16:28

I think it is unfair to burden your 14 year old with his 12 year old sister.

They have different friends, they do different things, he is old enough to look after himself, he shouldn't have to carry his sister everywhere, she should be made to stay home and not go out alone. If you only work five hours I don't see what the problem is of them doing their own thing if you have their mobile numbers.

worraliberty · 12/04/2011 16:29

Why on earth do they have to stay together if you are there as well?

Do you really want them to end up hating each other? Because believe me, if you don't allow them to live seperate lives, that's very likely to happen.

How would you like to be joined at the hip to someone just because someone in authority insists you must? Hmm

squeakytoy · 12/04/2011 16:29

Sorry, but I think you need to unwrap the cottonwool a little bit. You cant expect a 14yr old boy to want his little sister and her mates hanging around with him and his mates, or vice versa.

They are both old enough to go out with their own friends separately and you are being very unfair on them.

usualsuspect · 12/04/2011 16:30

YABU ..I would let him go

Its the easter holidays ,a time for kids to have fun with their mates

its a bit much to expect him to look after his sister all holiday

troisgarcons · 12/04/2011 16:32

Always best to use a government site.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Yourchildshealthandsafety/Yourchildssafetyinthehome/DG_070594

Out of your own mouth, you have said your 14yo isn't responsible enough to stick with his sister all day - so that contradicts what DirectGov suggests...

Not the same thing of course, but a woman was cautioned for leaving her 3yo with his 14yo brother last year. Ludicrous, as most of us would make that 'mistake' if the 14yo was deemed responsible enough.

First link I came across reporting hte story, not my choice of reading.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Yourchildshealthandsafety/Yourchildssafetyinthehome/DG_070594

She lost her job and CRB through that.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:33

He is not yet 14 and she is not yet 12, they get on really well and he went off to his friends leaving her at the park so she wwent and called on her friend.

My sister and I always had to stay together.

I ended up driving round for an hour looking for one and then the other. he is not burderned and he doesn't see it like that - he does see having his 9 year old brother as a burden whicdh is why he has gone to holiday club.

OP posts:
Iggly · 12/04/2011 16:33

yabu - you should have said what the consequences were before they did wrong otherwise it seems vindictive to not let your DS go to the disco, by picking something like that. Will you find something suitably equal for your DD?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 12/04/2011 16:33

Why do they have to be together Hmm? If you want them to stay in the house I could understand it, but expecting them to go out together at their ages isn't going to happen. It's not their fault that your ex is an arse or that his partner is bitching about telling SS. It's not their fault that you have to work. What are a 14 year old boy and 12 year old girl supposed to do together? They could both have friends at your house, but outside of the house, their friend live in different places and they want to do different things.

I find it a bit odd that the second time your DD forgot her phone but you're coming down hard on your DS. I'd be most annoyed at her going out without her phone.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:34

I am quite familiar with the law thanks troisgarcons and wasn't actually asking for opinion on that if you see from my OP and am familiar with child protection Hmm

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 12/04/2011 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 12/04/2011 16:34

So you didn't want to put 11 and 13 because people might ask why you're leaving them alone.

usualsuspect · 12/04/2011 16:35

They clearly don't want to stay together ,or they would