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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AQIBU grounding my son?!

119 replies

unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:16

Am a single parent and feeling like poo about this but think I have made the right call - would like to invite opinion.....

Kids on half term - 9 yr old is in holiday club DD is nearly 12 and DS nearly 14 have trusted them to be left here, meet friends at the park, go swimming etc (got them a timetable and gave them money), they have 3 phone numbers for me and know what to do in an emergency and I phone every hour, and leave a packed lunch for them each in the fridge - am working for 5 hours a day and on leave next week. It is not ideal but I felt I should give them a little responsibility.

Their dad won't help although his partner had a good old bitch (to the kids) at the weekend about how unbelievably irresponsible I am and how its illegal to leave them as they are under 14 (I know it is not as I am the Child Protection Lead at work nonetheless worrying the kids that I might get into trouble). So this is in the forefront of my mind if anything happens I will have to deal with the fall out from them of "I told you so" (even though they/he refused to help ).

Rules are they have to stay together, be sensible, and they have to have their phones with them at all times (charged and switched on) and let me know their movements.

Yesterday I got home and called them to see where they were and they had split up and gone to separate friends houses which I wasn't happy about as they had broken one of the rules and I also don't want it to seem I am imposing the responsibility of them on other kids parents. Was angry, told them off, warned them if it happened again there would be consequences.

Today I get home to find the same thing has happened again and DD didn't even have her phone on her.

DS is supposed to go to this nightclub under 18s party tonight (so wasn't too keen tbh) from 7 - 11 (doubley not keen as would have to drag other kids and myself out to get him) for a girl he is madly in love with . I have told him he is not going as he can't prove he can be responsible and do as he is told.

He is beside himself with grief in his bedroom and I feel like shit.

Is this fair or AIBU?

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 12/04/2011 17:54

I think YANBU to punish them for breaking the rules. I think it's reasonable to ask them to stay together while you're gone.

But I think YABU to ask them stick together when you're home. A neighbor did this with her children when I was growing up, and it was beyond annoying.

mollymawk · 12/04/2011 18:01

I think I read somewhere up-thread that you are going to let him go to the disco after all. Good idea - I agree they both need to have some consequence of doing exactly the thing you had told them not to do only the day before, but I think the banning from the disco would be too tragic for a lovelorn nearly-14-year-old. He'd just remember ( forever ) how mean you were to stop him going and forget what he had done to merit it. A different consequence might help him (and DD) to remember the rules.

southofthethames · 12/04/2011 18:03

I'm not sure that the posts about it being unfair that the 14 year old should hang out with his 12 year old sister are themselves fair. It's all very well if you have a stay at home parent/housekeeper/live-in grandparent but in this instance their mother has to work and they are family.

A mature 14 year old would ring his mum and say he wanted to do something different, so could he bring her round to a relative's house or somewhere else that she is happy with. The fact that he just absconded while they were outside is irresponsible and suggests immaturity.

Her daughter forgetting her phone is less of an offence because she hadn't realised that her brother was about to abandon her that day - maybe a small penalty for forgetting, but not grounding.

Lots of siblings I know have had to look after younger brothers or sisters - in some cases 5 to 7 year olds: they have even less in common with teenagers. That's what being a family is about. Mum is not a round-the-clock breadwinner cum holiday entertainer who has to make every second a fun fest for the kids. Sometimes they have to learn to do chores and contribute - 14 is not too young for that. Grounding him is totally appropriate, as he has not shown himself to be mature enough - which is what the nightclub party seems to be aimed at.

Perhaps both kids should have a holiday activity like a sports or drama group to go to every day to focus their minds? And a defined location that their mum knows where they will be for at least an hour or two.

southofthethames · 12/04/2011 18:06

Just saw the other posts about going/not going to the disco - my word! We ARE silly....it's only ONE disco, and he's only 14, there will be other discos! Not as if she is banning him from his own birthday party or his graduation!

Original poster

unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 18:07

I have already adjusted my hours but thanks for some of the comments it has given me a few pointers as to solutions to my problems. Its very hard sometimes to know if I am on the right track as I get no constructive opinions from their dad and just because I work in CP and with teens (which is easier as I am not emotionally involved) it doesn't make an expert with my own who I am very emotionally involved with.

OP posts:

southofthethames · 12/04/2011 18:14

@MrSpoc - the 14 year old boy could get a part-time job instead....would he like that? Pay towards the family finances and keep him out of trouble, give him the independence he craves. He's old enough according to the law. Then his sis can go to a holiday club and keep out of his hair! OP is punishing him because he disobeyed her instructions, not because of what his sister did. It is what any responsible parent would and should do. She's not being unreasonable.

southofthethames · 12/04/2011 18:22

@unsurevalentine - it's like the first time they get sent to the naughty step...the parents feel worse than the kids do and the kids don't remember it after a few hours! Don't worry, you'll get used to it and there's more to follow when they are 15-19! (make sure they do get into Uni/college and they live-in, lol.....!)

There might be some sports/drama/arts activities locally that are free during holidays, also look up church clubs and groups that do volunteering maybe? Might also be more interesting and educational for them than just "hanging out" with equally bored friends. School holidays are always challenging for parents on their own, I do sympathise.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/04/2011 18:26

Sorry unsure I'm sure you've gone over all the options a million times. I think I'm making my own plans ahead of time and thinking out loud on your thread!

GiddyPickle · 12/04/2011 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swallowedAfly · 12/04/2011 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GiddyPickle · 12/04/2011 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2011 19:03

Of course they want to do their own thing. As girls mature more quickly than boys I don't see why he needs to babysit her-they are probably more or less equal.

peanutbutterkid · 12/04/2011 19:14

Sorry you've had such a hard time on this thread, OP :(.

ensure · 12/04/2011 19:21

I don't think you are asking too much of them myself! It's only for a week. They might not love staying together but sometimes you have to do things you don't particularly want to in life. They are old enough to know that.
You are doing your best with the options you have.
They do need punishing for not sticking to your rules. And I think your rules are perfectly sensible!

TotemPole · 12/04/2011 20:44

I agree that as they didn't stick to the rules that there should be some form of punishment.

I agree children of this age are responsible enough to be left alone it's just when mum issues the rules there needs to be a back-up plan too rather than mum coming hom and finding out all the rules have been broken hours earlier.

If they know in advance that DD is going to be at/with her friends and DS is going to be with his, then mum could make sure she has any relevant phone numbers as back up and give her phone numbers to the respective parents.

I still don't understand why some think it's ok for the children to have more freedom when mum is at home than when she is at work.

But if she really wants them to stick together, then (as someone suggested up there ^) taking turns with their respective friends is a good compromise.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 13/04/2011 09:46

I wonder if unsure's ds got to dance with his crush? Or snog her

berrieberrie · 13/04/2011 18:39

unsure what's the gossip from the disco???!!!

kansasmum · 13/04/2011 19:25

In my opinion YANBU. My kids at that age were expected to stay home alone for a few hours and stick together and neither of them minded hanging out with the other and the age gap was the same. Now they are 17 and 15 and they look after their 4 yr old brother and are great. Rules are rules and if they are broken there are consequences- its hardly the end of the world cos he can't go to 1 disco!
They were told the rules and broke them once- they were reinforced and yet chose to break them again so you followed through- nothing wrong with that!

mumeeee · 13/04/2011 20:55

YABU to expect a 14 year old to spend all his Easter holidays with his younger sister, You need to let them start doing things seperatly. Also why do you leave them each a packed lunc in the fridge they should both be capable of getting thier own lunch

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